those last few customers really got their money's worth (Fake nudes!)

A man was arrested on Friday by Secret Service officers for climbing over the White House fence. "I just wanted to see the Oval Office," said Jeb. –Seth Meyers

Disneyland Paris is temporarily shutting down its haunted house after an employee was found dead inside the attraction. But those last few customers really got their money's worth. –Seth Meyers

Law experts are saying that some of the language in adult film star Stormy Daniels' nondisclosure agreement suggests that she may have some lurid photos that were taken during their sexual encounters. Said Trump, "Fake nudes!" --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

All because they couldn't even beat Donald Trump after rigging their own primaries (So what are you in for?)

A Disneyland guest was arrested for stripping off his clothes and walking around nude on It’s a Small World. Which is the all-time worst answer to the question, so what are you in for? —Colin Jost

Doritos has created a new software called Doritos Silent, which removes the sound of eating from video calls. Not to be outdone, Taco Bell has created new software that removes the sound of screaming from bathrooms. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

If Bush had gotten bin Laden, he would have spent his whole second term in a Batman costume (Fight the Rich, NOT Their Wars)

"Could you imagine what Bush would have done if he had gotten bin Laden? I mean, this is a guy who played dress-up and land on boats. If Bush had gotten bin Laden, he would have spent his whole second term in a Batman costume." –Bill Maher

"President Obama said he was evolving and then he came out for gay marriage. Conservatives, of course, are furious – not about the gay thing, about evolution." –Bill Maher

"New Rule, Newt Gingrich cannot end his campaign, as he did, by calling it a 'wild ride.' Seeing how he looks exactly like Mr. Toad. Oh, in fairness, there’s a difference between Newt’s campaign and Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. One twists and turns through fantasy-land and makes you want to throw up. And the other one is at Disneyland." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I hope you're hungry for nothing (But those last few customers really got their money's worth)

A man was arrested on Friday by Secret Service officers for climbing over the White House fence. "I just wanted to see the Oval Office," said Jeb. –Seth Meyers

The DEA has announced that by the middle of the year they may decide to remove marijuana from its Schedule 1 category of dangerous drugs. Because, let’s face it, it’s absurd to have “marijuana” and “schedule” in the same sentence. –Seth Meyers

Disneyland Paris is temporarily shutting down its haunted house after an employee was found dead inside the attraction. But those last few customers really got their money's worth. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, thank God I’m not George Santos, said George Santos (So I gave up eating bats for nothing?)

March 2023

The House Ethics Committee has announced an investigation into George Santos. Well, thank God I’m not George Santos, said George Santos. —Michael Che

The U.S. Energy Department concluded that Covid likely originated from a Wuhan laboratory leak and not a wet market. So I gave up eating bats for nothing? —Michael Che

Fisherman in Florida have discovered a 214 year old clam that was born the same year as Abraham Lincoln. The clam credits its longevity to staying away from the theater. —Michael Che

A man in Missouri is planning to turn an abandoned jail into an AirBNB rental, which will make it the first jail that refuses to accept black people. —Michael Che

It was announced that Puerto Rico’s only zoo is closing after years of alleged animal neglect. Worse, the zoo’s closing is being advertised as all you can eat. —Michael Che

A California man has set a new world record by visiting Disneyland for 2,995 consecutive days, but still no sign of his kids. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

On the other hand, it's a great idea for a comedy show (Spies Who Lie)

September 2022

“At the Emmy Awards last night, we lost best variety series to Last Week Tonight With John Oliver, but even though we didn’t win, it was an honor just to get Covid from those who did win.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“There’s another book about the end of the Trump presidency, this time by the New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman. In Confidence Man: The Making of Donald Trump and the Breaking of America, Haberman reported that Trump had vowed after his defeat in the 2020 election to remain in the White House, telling an aide: ‘We’re never leaving.’ It was like when you try to tell a five-year-old it’s time to leave Disneyland. Fortunately, the Oval Office is oval, so you can’t really pile furniture up against the door. But how would he see that working? Would he and Joe Biden be roommates? I mean, on one hand it’s treason. On the other hand, it's a great idea for a comedy show.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“This week, the justice department said it would consider one of nominees from Trump’s legal team: Raymond Dearie, the former chief judge of the federal court in the eastern district of New York as special master. Let me tell you how this goes from here. Donald Trump just picked a guy who will decide whether or not, or to what extent, crimes have been committed. The justice department said OK, we accept this guy, Judge Dearie, as special master. He will look at the evidence, which is pretty clearcut, he will agree with the FBI, give them all the documents, and once he does, Trump will call him a puppet controlled by the Democrats. The whole thing is a distraction. It doesn’t matter what’s in the documents. Just taking them out of the White House is a crime under the Espionage and Presidential Records Acts, and they still don’t know whether Trump returned all the documents he took. Which, of course he didn’t. That’s like being unsure if Cookie Monster ate all the cookies.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

those last few customers really got their money's worth (How Do You Sleep at Night? pillows)

A man was arrested on Friday by Secret Service officers for climbing

over the White House fence. "I just wanted to see the Oval Office,"

said Jeb. –Seth Meyers

Disneyland Paris is temporarily shutting down its haunted house

after an employee was found dead inside the attraction. But those

last few customers really got their money's worth. –Seth Meyers

At a campaign event in Wisconsin yesterday, a 16-year-old boy

threw an egg at Donald Trump but missed. And I can’t quite

explain it, but somehow it hit Jeb Bush. –Seth Meyers

Bed Bath & Beyond recently announced that it will continue to

sell Ivanka Trump products. So, be sure to pick up her new line

of “How Do You Sleep at Night?” pillows. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In fact, earlier today Siri told me, “Look it up yourself, [bleep].” And then slapped me. (International Women’s Day)

Today for International Women’s Day, women across the country protested by refusing to work. That’s a true story. That’s what happened today. In fact, earlier today Siri told me, “Look it up yourself, [bleep].” And then slapped me. –Conan O’Brien

"Today residents of L.A. are voting on a tax on anything sold in a medical marijuana dispensary. If the measure passes the city could be solvent within 45 minutes." –Conan O'Brien

A town in Israel is building an amusement park that some are calling "the Jewish Disneyland." The Jewish Disneyland still has Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, except Doc is the chief of cardiology at Cedars-Sinai. --Conan O’Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered a role in a sequel to 'The Terminator.' In this one he travels back in time and kills the person who suggested he run for Governor." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

things will warm up later in the afternoon, during the Rapture (Two Corinthians)

"California officials want to contain a measles outbreak that originated in Disneyland last month. They are in luck because everyone who is exposed to it is still in line at Space Mountain." –Conan O'Brien

While speaking at an evangelical university, Donald Trump misquoted the Bible, saying "two Corinthians" instead of "Second Corinthians." And, several times, instead of saying "God" he said "Donald Trump." –Conan O’Brien

A man in Canada has built a model of the Millennium Falcon that can clear snow off his driveway. Apparently it makes a nice, clear path to his door that no woman will ever enter. –Conan O’Brien

Meteorologists are predicting that the weather for the inauguration tomorrow will be cold, damp, and dreary. However, things will warm up later in the afternoon, during the Rapture. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

1 in 6 American children lives in poverty (but in all of them, you’re an idiot)

January 2022

“There has been some ridiculous speculation by Fox News hosts over Biden’s Supreme Court nominee. Laura Ingraham even suggested that the White House might nominate Vice-President Kamala Harris. ‘It’s a possibility, I think she’s at least on the shortlist. I think it’s a theory that could be credible,’ said the former Trump press secretary turned Fox contributor Kayleigh McEnany. Yes, according to theoretical sources, the name they yanked out of their keister could be credible. Let me clue you in, Fox News. Joe Biden is not nominating Kamala Harris. It’s a 50-50 Senate and she can’t vote for herself! And I know what you’re saying: anything is possible. No, it isn’t. There is no possible universe in which this happens. Thanos can snap that glove all he wants, but even the Infinity Stones could not put her on the court. Dr. Stephen Strange is like, ‘the multiverse contains an infinite number of timelines, but in all of them, you’re an idiot.’” —Stephen Colbert

“In honor of the park’s 30th anniversary and Women’s History Month in March, Disneyland Paris announced yesterday that Minnie Mouse will wear a dark blue and black, polka-dotted pantsuit designed by Stella McCartney. Unfortunately, that still won’t make up for the fact that you brought your wife to Paris and then took her to Disneyland.” —Seth Meyers

“Minnie’s new look will debut in March at Disneyland Paris, which is just like regular Disneyland, only more existential. Unfortunately, Donald Duck is still running around with his cloaca out, just waving in the wind.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry 

 

That should be enough to clean as many as two of LaGuardia’s bathrooms (slippery slope)

November 2021

Our top story tonight, like it’s been for as long as I can remember, infrastructure. Last night congress passed President Biden’s $1.2 Trillion infrastructure bill, which should be enough to clean as many as two of LaGuardia’s bathrooms. —Colin Jost

A high school principal has apologized for unsportsmanlike conduct for the schools football team after they beat another team 106-0. Apology accepted, said the Jets. —Colin Jost

It was reported that mothers in California are trying to pass on Covid-19 antibodies to their children by making them smoothies with their breast milk. Oh sure, but when I ask for that I get escorted out of Jamba Juice. —Colin Jost

Former President Donald Trump was filmed doing the Tomahawk Chop at a World Series game in Atlanta. Native American groups said that they found it extremely offensive to see their culture associated with someone who can’t even run a successful casino. —Colin Jost

More than 30,000 people were locked in Shanghai Disneyland after one visitor tested positive for Covid. So let this be a lesson to all you kids out there. If you aren’t more careful about Covid, you’ll end up living at Disneyworld. —Colin Jost

A TikTok went viral of a squirrel who appeared to be holding hands with a woman. See, it’s like Che always said, gay marriage is a slippery slope. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Messages from vampires holding press conferences next to a dildo store (His own prostate doesn’t respond that fast)

August 2021

“Rudy Giuliani has joined Cameo, a service that allows fans to pay celebrities to send them video messages. I mean, this guy — this guy, who is a personal lawyer to the president of the United States, and now, he’s basically panhandling in the same place you can get a ‘Happy bat mitzvah’ message from Jamie Farr.” —Seth Meyers

“This may be the saddest part: It says he responds within 10 hours. His own prostate doesn’t respond that fast.” —Sarah Silverman

“That’s right, for the price of parking at Disneyland, you can get a message from the vampire who held a press conference next to a dildo store.” —Sarah Silverman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he's running out of Republicans he can blame this on (so it worked out nice)

November 2012

"President Obama has wrapped up his four-day, three-country trip to Asia. And insiders say the last 96 hours were very productive. The president said he may have found a country in Asia that can make Twinkies for us." –Jay Leno

"President Obama pardoned the White House turkey, and then the turkey forgave him for the bad economy, so it worked out nice." –Jay Leno

"We're headed for a fiscal cliff and President Obama is in a tough spot. Because the Democrats did so well on Election Day, he's running out of Republicans he can blame this on." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney was photographed at a gas station in San Diego filling up his car, then he was spotted later in the day at Disneyland. See, that's when you know you're rich – when you can afford to fill up your car with gas and go to Disneyland on the same day." –Jay Leno

"France says the U.S. hacked its government computers. Cyberwar is new to them. France has never surrendered online before." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even his etch-a-sketch went, seriously? (twists and turns through fantasy-land)

May 2012

"And poor Mitt Romney, trying to make hay out of Obama’s big surprise visit to Afghanistan. Mitt Romney who is on record saying that he would not waste money going after bin Laden, on record saying he would not violate Pakistan's border to get bin Laden, this week said, 'Of course I would have gotten bin Laden.' Even his etch-a-sketch went, seriously?" –Bill Maher

"New Rule, Newt Gingrich cannot end his campaign, as he did, by calling it a 'wild ride.' Seeing how he looks exactly like Mr. Toad. Oh, in fairness, there’s a difference between Newt’s campaign and Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. One twists and turns through fantasy-land and makes you want to throw up. And the other one is at Disneyland." –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney got the endorsement of Michele Bachmann. Michele Bachmann's husband Marcus said he would also like to get behind Romney." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the most bipartisan thing to happen to America (We Can't Afford the Rich Anymore!)

July 2020

“The Trump campaign’s intent is to hold the Republican national convention in Florida even as coronavirus cases surge in the state, though it plans to move several of the events outdoors. The president is now holding a three-day outdoor event in Florida, in August – it’ll be worth watching just to see Trump lap up glasses of water like a thirsty golden retriever. Poor Mike Pence is going to be sweating like he’s sitting through a Drag Race marathon.” —Jimmy Fallon

“While California shuts down again, Disney World reopened for visitors in Orlando, Florida, which is crazy. Right now, the boring part of Disney is the rollercoaster, while the scariest part is standing in line.” —Jimmy Fallon

“What’s happening in California is a preview of what the next year is going to look like for a lot of places – gradually reopening, and then shutting down when things get dangerous. This whole thing – without a vaccine, without tracing, without enough testing – it’s like trying to have sex in your parents house. Things are ramping up, you know, and then you hear something creak – it’s your dad getting a snack in the kitchen, you gotta shut everything down until it’s safe again. The reversal of course flew against numerous proclamations of victory over coronavirus by conservative commentators in May and June, particularly on Fox News. Maybe not a great idea for conservative media to take a victory lap in the middle of a pandemic. Some of these clips from Fox News have aged poorly as a salute to premature salutes. I know there’s a lot of politics tied up in who’s rooting for which state and policies to succeed, but coronavirus has no politics. It doesn’t give a shit what state you live in. In that sense, coronavirus is the most bipartisan thing to happen to America since hating Jussie Smollet.” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Great, now we can binge-watch the end of America (Well, it’s throwback Thursday)

“Remember a couple of years ago when Trump first got into office — we were all so nervous that Donald Trump was some sort of sleeper agent who was going to sell America out to a foreign power behind our backs? Well, it’s throwback Thursday.” —Stephen Colbert

“Because we just learned that this summer, Donald Trump had a phone call with a foreign leader that was so troubling that it prompted an official in the U.S. intelligence community to file a formal whistle-blower complaint — when Trump was overheard making ‘a promise to a foreign leader.’ Yeah, a promise to an unknown foreign leader. Thank God Trump never keeps his promises. Never. Never has. Eric — in fact, Eric is still waiting by the front door to go to Disney World.” —Stephen Colbert

“Then, this afternoon, we found out that the whistle-blower was referring to a series of actions that goes beyond any single discussion with a foreign leader. Oh, a series? Great, now we can binge-watch the end of America.” —Stephen Colbert

“And I, I for one am just shocked this is the first whistle-blower complaint Trump has had. The way this guy behaves, there should be literal whistle-blowers following him everywhere he goes.” --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Wow, Jerry, looking good! (Trump's personal trainer)

Boeing is currently in possession of so many malfunctioning 737 MAX jets that they have started storing the planes in their employee parking lot. Either that or Jerry in marketing finally got that raise. “Wow! Wow, Jerry, looking good!” --Seth Meyers

Federal officials today announced the launch of a program to combat robocalls, which they are calling Operation Call it Quits. "Sorry, that name is already taken," said Trump's personal trainer. --Seth Meyers

Disneyland this week opened its new "Star Wars"-themed park. The park has nine sections, but it's only worth seeing the first three. --Seth Meyers

It was reported today that Cuba will open its first sex shop. It's called Fideldo's. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He isn't tall enough to go on any of the rides (And that was just from Chad in Portland)

"President Obama answered questions on YouTube today. He was asked 7,500 times about legalizing marijuana. And that was just from Chad in Portland." –Conan O'Brien 

"Congress is proposing a bill that would give President Obama a kill switch that he could use to freeze all activity on the Internet if there were a national emergency. The kill switch goes by the top-secret name Microsoft Windows." –Conan O'Brien

"A storm hit the East Coast yesterday leaving 300,000 people in the Washington, D.C., area without power. The 300,000 people without power in Washington are called Democrats." –Conan O'Brien

"North Korea has opened an amusement park comparable to Disneyland. I'm not sure how long it's going to last because Kim Jong Il isn't tall enough to go on any of the rides." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

except the 6-foot mouse is real (God, what an ego on that guy!)

"Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real." –Conan O'Brien

"Time magazine is now ranking the best tweets of the year and, according to Time, the best tweet for 2010 was written by John McCain. Experts say it's even more impressive because McCain thought he was opening his garage door." –Conan O'Brien

"Anderson Cooper has announced that the title of his new show is just 'Anderson.' I think I speak for everyone here at 'Conan' when I say, 'God, what an ego on that guy!'" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Trump retaliated by launching a drone strike on Splash Mountain (Will hang Mission Accomplished sign for food)

Former President Barack Obama is back on the campaign trail trying to rally Democrats for the midterm election, and on Saturday, while at a stop in Anaheim, Obama reminisced about the time he was kicked out of Disneyland for smoking a cigarette. God, don't you miss when the president's biggest scandal was like, "I was asked to leave Disneyland once." --James Corden

Obama was like, "Go ahead and kick me out of Disneyland. I'll just come back as an animatronic figure in the Hall of Presidents — and stay there forever." --James Corden

Disney's CEO responded to Obama in a tweet, saying that smoking aside, Obama was welcome back at the park any time. Not surprisingly, President Trump retaliated by launching a drone strike on Splash Mountain. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”