There's probably a lesson in there somewhere (Starring Kevin Spacey)

“Yeah, there is a cease-fire, and that is very good news. And I do know that the phrase ‘very good news’ is not one you hear much these days. It’s kind of like ‘Be kind, rewind’ or ‘Starring Kevin Spacey’ or ‘Cuomosexual.’ I thought those days were gone forever.” — John Oliver

Well, yesterday, President Trump finally released what everyone has been asking him to release. George Santos. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They Lied (ahh, still glad we broke up)

Joe Biden gave a 45-minute speech at the convention on Monday evening. I gotta say, it was a little like running into someone a month after you broke up with them, and they look good and they’re funny and they’re fiery and you think to yourself, ‘ahh, still glad we broke up.’ —Seth Meyers

President Biden thanked his wife, Jill, and said his heart still beats a little faster whenever he sees her coming down the stairs. And when Joe’s on the stairs, everyone’s heart beats faster, too. —Seth Meyers

The disgraced former congressman George Santos pleaded guilty on Monday to wire fraud and identity theft. And just for the attention, the attack on Nancy Kerrigan. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

there’s a good chance President Biden did, too (You guys need anything?)

“That’s right, Tom Suozzi is replacing George Santos, and just from looking at their resumes, the two of them are pretty different. For instance, under education, Suozzi put, ‘B.A. from Boston College.’ Santos put, ‘Ph.D. from Hogwarts.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right, today is Valentine’s Day, and if you forgot, don’t worry, there’s a good chance President Biden did, too.” — Jimmy Fallon

Following his historic removal from Congress, George Santos’ district on Long Island held a special election for his replacement this week, and voters had nothing but negative things to say about him. To quote one voter: “I think he needs help because he’s delusional.” And when a Long Islander says you’re delusional it stings, because they’re mostly Jets fans. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I accidentally gave my priest chocolates and lingerie (he has some very big clown shoes to fill)

Valentine’s Day and Ash Wednesday are on the same day this year, which is confusing – I accidentally gave my priest chocolates and lingerie. —Jimmy Kimmel

Tom Suozzi, a Democrat, won a special election on Tuesday to fill the congressional seat previously occupied by George Santos. We congratulated Suozzi on his win on Wednesday, he has some very big clown shoes to fill. —Jimmy Kimmel

They actually had to wait to verify the election to make sure the winner wasn’t George Santos in disguise. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

No presidential family member in recent memory comes with as much baggies — uh, I mean, baggage (I am watching that show)

“No presidential family member in recent memory comes with as much baggies — uh, I mean, baggage — as Hunter, and now the law has finally caught up with him. ” — Kal Penn, The Daily Show

It’s shocking to think the presidential race might come down to who goes to jail first: Hunter Biden or Donald Trump. Although, maybe if we’re lucky, the two of them might end up in a cell together? Like, you throw George Santos in there, and I am watching that show. — Kal Penn

“The L.A. Dodgers signed superstar Shohei Ohtani to the biggest contract in all of sports history, $700 million. Wild, right? That is $1 for every minute it takes to watch one single baseball game.” — Kal Penn

“The Dodgers signed free agent Shohei Ohtani and will pay  him $700 million over the next 10 years. Hot dogs, from now on, will be priced at $500 apiece.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“And also, let me just say, it is so great that Asian kids have another athlete to look up to, am I right? But let’s acknowledge it’s also a lot of pressure: [imitating child] ‘Dad, I got 100 on my chemistry test.’ [imitating parent] ‘But only 80 on your fastball — go outside and practice!’” — Kal Penn

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

This is like if a mental patient escaped the hospital and wandered into an air traffic control tower (a long, stress-free life)

We have been waiting for disgraced congressman George Santos to be voted out of Congress all week and as of Thursday evening, we are still waiting. Why this has taken so long, I have no idea. This is like if a mental patient escaped the hospital and wandered into an air traffic control tower and then a year later he was still up there landing planes. —Jimmy Kimmel

Henry Kissinger’s death at 100 just goes to show you that if you have zero morals, you’ll lead a long, stress-free life. He committed massacres and lived to be 100, while the rest of us over here are dying at 47 because we can’t stop stressing about the time we waved to a person who was actually waving to someone behind us. —Michelle Wolf, The Daily Show

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

their old code of conduct, money up front, no kissing on the mouth (he is six years older than Israel)

Insiders are concerned that President Biden’s chances for re-election could be damaged by his unwavering support for Israel. But I think the bigger problem for Biden is that he is six years older than Israel. —Michael Che

The House Ethics Committee released its report on George Santos, seen here asking your grandma for her Social Security number, and concluded that there is substantial evidence that he used campaign funds for shopping and cosmetic procedures. Santos would have denied the allegations but he had to rest his new lips. —Michael Che

The Supreme Court is adopting a new code of conduct replacing their old code of conduct, money up front, no kissing on the mouth. —Michael Che

The man who attacked Nancy Pelosi’s husband with a hammer has been found guilty and is expected to be imprisoned until Trump’s first day back as president. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Please return to your home and cease rebellion (What are you in for?)

A House ethics report on the disgraced congressman George Santos found that he misspent campaign funds on Botox, lavish trips to Atlantic City, designer goods and “smaller purchases” on OnlyFans, among other things. It’s quite a list – Botox, Atlantic City, OnlyFans and designer goods. Is he a congressman or a lesser Kardashian? He’s got the shopping list of a 98-year-old oil tycoon’s 20-year-old wife. —Seth Meyers

“If there are any fans of stupidity and corruption out there, you have joined us on the right night, hours after the House ethics report on George Santos revealed that the disgraced New York congressman sought to fraudulently exploit every aspect of his House candidacy for his own personal financial profit and “brought severe discredit upon the House”. That is not easy to do. Because these days, the dignity of the House is slightly below a Golden Corral that just ran out of steak. —Stephen Colbert

“George Santos got caught spending campaign money on Botox and OnlyFans. And this is on top of him stealing credit cards, wire fraud and identity theft. When he goes to jail, and they ask him, ‘What are you in for?’ he’s going to be, like, ‘Everything!’” — Leslie Jones

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You want to bail out the people who laid you off (shaking the Etch-a-Sketch)

A big thank you for all the birthday wishes today from everybody

out there, I really appreciate it, but birthdays and vacations are

over now and someone has to explain George Santos. Someone

has to explain this phenomenon, in case you've been living under

a rock or you live here in California and your rock washed away.

George Santos is the newly elected Republican House member from Long Island who Pinocchioed his way into Congress and who represents a growing segment of American society. Liars. Now if you're sort of hazy on the details of Santos's life don't worry, so is he. When they film his biography it'll start with, based on a false story. 

This guy lied about his schooling, his career, his sexuality, and his charity work. What kind of family raises a person like this? We don't know because he lied about them too. He lies like a goose shits. If he's not doing it at this very moment he's about to. 

He said he attended the prestigious Horace Mann prep school. They have no record of him, nor does NYU where he said he got an MBA or Baruch College where he falsely claimed to have graduated in the top 1% of his class and starred on the volleyball team. I would say you can't make this shit up but he just made this shit up. And it raises a lot of questions starting with if you're gonna lie, why volleyball? 

He also claimed he ran an animal charity that neutered 3,000 Stray Cats, he didn't but again, what a strange thing to brag about. He literally lied about cutting off cat's nuts and that takes a lot of balls. Don't think Santos isn't pioneering something new in American politics. Of course we've seen liars before but it was always about tracking from the extreme to the center of your own party. What Mitt Romney called shaking the Etch-a-Sketch.

But Santos is the first one to realize that since we are all in our hermetically sealed media bubbles now, you can pretend to be everything to voters in both parties, and no one on either side will notice. Some of Santos's lies appeal to far-right Republicans like being all in, as he was on Trump's election denying, or making the white power sign in the halls of Congress or claiming he was a Wall Street wonderkind who made Millions working in Goldman Sachs, which he didn't. Or that he was a luxury Yacht broker, which he wasn't.

The giveaway here is that Santos's district is Long Island, New York, a suburb of Manhattan, not as liberal but almost always went Democratic. Biden won it by eight points. So how did a Trump-loving, election denying, white nationalist get elected in a democrat-leaning district? Simple, he told them what they wanted to hear too.

What do liberals love? Identity politics and victimhood. So he said he had a brain tumor and he was one of the first New Yorkers hospitalized for Covid. He said he lost four co-workers in the famous Pulse Nightclub shooting in 2016. He's from Brazil, which is overwhelmingly Catholic, but when he ran in New York he said he was Jewish and that his grandparents fled Ukraine to escape the Nazis. That's right, his Jewish Ukrainian forefathers escaped the Holocaust by being born Catholic in Brazil.

Also he claims to be half black, although I doubt that's the half that wears a blazer with the fleece vest. He also claims to be gay but he divorced the woman he was married to two weeks before the campaign started. George knows where the sweet spots are with Democrats too. He once said, “I'm very much gay.” What does that mean, very much gay? Do you have a blue checkmark on Grindr?

Everybody keeps asking how could a guy like this get elected? I'll tell you how, because no one cares anymore about substance. It's all tribalism. The only thing that matters is he is on our team. Is he doing our schtick? Santos is just the first one to realize you could do both sides schtick and get away with it because people have completely tuned out anything that doesn't already fit their narrative. Republicans love a winner and Democrats love someone whose life story makes you want to kill yourself.

For Republicans George claimed he went to the Capitol on January 6th. Yes, he personally attended the insurrection and has tweeted hashtags like ‘Dems are destroying America’ but that obviously didn't matter to plenty of Democrats in his district. What mattered is that he's a brave, sad, proudly gay, half-black Latino Holocaust victim with a brain tumor. Vote for him? I'm surprised they didn't have him host the Oscars. 

Yes, everyone saw in George Santos what they wanted to see. Republicans saw a Trump-loving rich prick, Democrats saw a proudly gay person of color and the Proud Boys saw a guy who would blow them after a couple of beers and not tell anyone.

–Bill Maher 1/20/2023

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

you’re one step closer to having the worst job in the world (68 more and you can run for president)

“The rudderless Republicans in Congress have moved tantalizingly close to doing the bare minimum, as they chose Steve Scalise to be the nominee to possibly then be speaker of the House. Congratulations Steve, you’re one step closer to having the worst job in the world, just one wrung below emptying Porta Potties at a chili cook-off.” —Stephen Colbert

“George Santos, who might be the lying-est liar lying in Congress and now faces 10 new federal fraud charges including wire fraud, aggravated identity theft and false statements to the Federal Election Commission. Let me just say: thank you, George Santos. It’s been a really tough week in the news, and we needed a treat. The bitch is back for a squeakquel and I am here for it. The new charges brings the total number of counts against him to 23. Congratulations, George, 68 more and you can run for president.” —Stephen Colbert

“Steve Scalise may be the GOP nominee for speaker of the House, but it’s still unclear, though, if he has enough votes to win the speakership. Because that would require Republicans to accept the result of an election, and that’s really not their thing. If you see white smoke coming from the Capitol rotunda, it means they either picked a new speaker or Lauren Boebert is vaping again.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The most extensive underground city ever found (a foreign spy looking to overhear our nation’s nuclear secrets at the dinner buffet)

“Steve Scalise is a far-right Republican who voted to overturn the 2020 election and has refused in interviews to state without equivocation that Joe Biden won. In a 2021 interview with ABC News, Scalise also declined to pin responsibility for January 6 on Trump, saying he ‘ended up’ at Mar-a-Lago to meet with the then-president post-insurrection. No one just ends up at Mar-a-Lago. Mar-a-Lago is a place you go to for one of three reasons: a kiss-up to Trump, a real bad wedding, or if you’re a foreign spy looking to overhear our nation’s nuclear secrets at the dinner buffet.” —Seth Meyers

“In other congressional messes, GOP representative George Santos of New York was hit with even more fraud charges, including illegally charging his campaign donors’ credit cards. He’s less like a member of Congress and more like a telemarketer scam your grandpa would fall for. Is there a crime George Santos hasn’t been accused of?” —Seth Meyers

“When asked about the charges by reporters on Capitol Hill, Santos plead ignorance – he was in a meeting without access to his phone, he said while holding his phone. Nothing sums up George Santos more than claiming he didn’t have access to his phone while talking on his phone. Unless that’s not his phone and he stole it from someone’s grandpa.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

it doesn't compare to the cocaine their grandma used to make (Operation Baby was a success)

April 2023

“You could tell Fox was stressed about the trial ‘cause they spent the day chugging Bud Light.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Today, a toddler crawled through the fencing outside the White House. At first, the Secret Service just thought it was Pete Buttigieg. I mean, we're laughing, but when it happened, one guy was like, [Russian accent] ‘Operation Baby was a success.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Some more news from Washington. George Santos just announced that he is running for re-election. And then a minute later, he announced that he won.” —Jimmy Fallon

“I saw that nearly half a billion dollars worth of cocaine was just found floating off the coast of Italy. It's Italian cocaine, so you just sprinkle it over your pasta. Of course, everyone's talking about how it doesn't compare to the cocaine their grandma used to make.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, get your own arraignment! (Haven't I witnessed enough?)

April 2023

“Once he got inside the courtroom, Trump was formally charged with 34 counts of falsifying business records in the first degree, which are class E felonies. Yep, Trump was like, ‘Of course, they were very classy felonies.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“If this goes to trial, prosecutors plan to call Stormy Daniels as a witness. Stormy Daniels! -Stormy Daniels -- Yeah. Stormy Daniels heard and was like, ‘Haven't I witnessed enough?’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Here's a picture of Trump inside the courtroom. He looks like he's watching another table at Applebee’s get their food first. He looks like he had to sit through two unskippable ads on YouTube.” —Jimmy Fallon

“George Santos showed up outside the courthouse, and he was swarmed by reporters. Trump saw the media following Santos, was like, ‘Hey, get your own arraignment!’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, thank God I’m not George Santos, said George Santos (So I gave up eating bats for nothing?)

March 2023

The House Ethics Committee has announced an investigation into George Santos. Well, thank God I’m not George Santos, said George Santos. —Michael Che

The U.S. Energy Department concluded that Covid likely originated from a Wuhan laboratory leak and not a wet market. So I gave up eating bats for nothing? —Michael Che

Fisherman in Florida have discovered a 214 year old clam that was born the same year as Abraham Lincoln. The clam credits its longevity to staying away from the theater. —Michael Che

A man in Missouri is planning to turn an abandoned jail into an AirBNB rental, which will make it the first jail that refuses to accept black people. —Michael Che

It was announced that Puerto Rico’s only zoo is closing after years of alleged animal neglect. Worse, the zoo’s closing is being advertised as all you can eat. —Michael Che

A California man has set a new world record by visiting Disneyland for 2,995 consecutive days, but still no sign of his kids. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Seriously, you know how awful you have to be to turn Mitt Romney into the bouncer from Road House? (Magic Mike's Last Dance)

February 2023

“Another big moment from the night was a tense exchange on the House floor between Senator Mitt Romney and George Santos. Afterwards, Romney said that he told Santos, ‘You don't belong here.’ Then Santos said, ‘You can't talk to me like that. I'm the president.’ Seriously, you know how awful you have to be to turn Mitt Romney into the bouncer from ‘Road House’?” —Jimmy Fallon

“Also, I read that, this year, at least 23 million people watched the State of the Union. That's good, yeah. It's always a good sign for democracy when the State of the Union gets as many views as the trailer for ‘Magic Mike's Last Dance’.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Some business news. Bed Bath & Beyond is struggling to stay in business, and they just announced that they are closing 150 more stores. It is bad. Today in the mail, I got a 20%-off coupon to buy Bed Bath & Beyond.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We can't even get 72% of Americans to agree on what an M&M should wear (He has a lot of jobs)

February 2023

“Well, as I mentioned, last night was President Biden's State of the Union address. And I saw a poll that said 72% of people responded favorably to his speech. That’s amazing. We can't even get 72% of Americans to agree on what an M&M should wear.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yeah, Biden's speech was passionate and energetic. He basically went from decaf green tea to Mountain Dew Code Red. At one point in his speech, Biden said, ‘COVID no longer controls our lives.’ He was like, ‘Now that honor belongs to TikTok.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Biden also talked about the strong jobs market. He said people are working as bankers, real-estate developers, dancers, philanthropists, Broadway producers, and that's just George Santos. He has a lot of jobs.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, they already have a title for it. It's going to be called Yellowstoned (The specific charges are ‘everything.’)

February 2023

“I read that Biden's approval rating currently stands at 42%, just above the 41% he had at last year's State of the Union. That’s tough. It's like eating kale for an entire year, then realizing you only lost 1 pound, and you go, ‘I did this for a whole year.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Today, Speaker Kevin McCarthy suggested that Congressman George Santos will face a House investigation. The specific charges are ‘everything.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Apparently, the "Yellowstone" series starring Kevin Costner is set to end. And a spin-off starring Matthew McConaughey could be in the works. Yeah, they already have a title for it. It's going to be called Yellowstoned.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Then he sashayed away in a feather boa (That is our current system)

February 2023

The revived A.P. African-American History Class removed the names of several black authors that Florida officials called problematic. Instead they have been replaced by authors they call one of the good ones. —Michael Che

Representative George Santos said that he is stepping aside from his committee assignments to prevent being a distraction. He added that the last thing he wants is attention. Then he sashayed away in a feather boa. —Michael Che

AMC Theaters is celebrating Black History Month by offering $5 tickets to recently released black led movies like Wakanda Forever and The Woman King. They are also honoring black people by starting the movie twenty minutes late. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is it too late to convince them that the new US capital is Mar-a-Lago? (He's basically the George Santos of the groundhog world)

February 2023

“This week also saw news that North Korea was allegedly trying to create the ‘most overwhelming nuclear force’ for future attacks. Is it too late to convince them that the new US capital is Mar-a-Lago?” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Punxsutawney Phil has predicted six more weeks of winter. I read that he's only right 40% of the time. When they heard that, weather.com was like, ‘You’re hired. When can you start?’ Yeah, you can't trust Punxsutawney Phil. He's basically the George Santos of the groundhog world.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, in New York, we've got a groundhog named Staten Island Chuck. And he predicted an early spring. Well, technically he predicted an ‘early friggin' spring.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess they figure it can’t be any more dangerous than letting 100-year-olds drive (four more years!)

January 2023

“Joe Biden announced on Monday that he will end the twin national emergencies to address the Covid-19 pandemic in May. Take that, Covid! We beat you! Shove that up your nose and rotate it five times. This has been a long time coming, and I wish you could see the smiles on the faces of my audience. And I wish I could too, because they’re still wearing masks. The end of the national emergency and public health emergency declarations will restructure the federal coronavirus response to treat the virus as an endemic threat to public health. So Covid is no longer an emergency, just a disease we’re all going to live with forever. Phew?” —Stephen Colbert

“On Tuesday, George Santos told reporters that he would step down from his roles on the committee on small business and the committee on science, space and technology. Well that’s a shame, because they won’t benefit from his expertise. I mean after all, Santos was the first dog in space.” —Stephen Colbert

“And Manhattan prosecutors have started presenting a case against Donald Trump, and his use of campaign funds for a hush money deal with Stormy Daniels, to a grand jury. According to prosecutors, Trump wrote off the $130,000 paid to Daniels, a porn star he allegedly had sex with, as legal expenses, which in New York constitutes fraud. If indicted, he could face up to four years in prison. I never thought I would say this about that man, but … four more years!” —Stephen Colbert

“Florida lawmakers proposed legislation that would allow residents to carry firearms without a permit. I don’t know, I guess they figure it can’t be any more dangerous than letting 100-year-olds drive.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”