I haven't seen skin stretch like that since I made those bongos out of a drifter (a new world deadlift record)

After fierce criticism, the LAPD quietly withdrew its officers from guarding Kamala Harris. And already she's missing her favorite officer, Captain Morgan. —Greg Gutfeld

MTV's Video Music Awards aired last night. Security was tighter than Jessica Simpson's face. I haven't seen skin stretch like that since I made those bongos out of a drifter. —Greg Gutfeld

Iceland's Thor Bjornson set a new world deadlift record by lifting 1,124 pounds, beating the previous record held by Whoopi's rickshaw driver. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Top all-time recipients of insurance money (That should be a real no-brainer)

 

"Actually, political experts say that Mitt Romney has the No. 1 thing John McCain is looking for in a vice presidential candidate - an organ donor card." --Jay Leno

"Remember last week when Jessica Simpson declined to meet President Bush? She now says they have plans to sit down together and talk face-to-face. President Bush talking to Jessica Simpson? That should be a real no-brainer." --Jay Leno

 

"Florida is the big one for the Republicans. In fact, Florida is the first state where Rudy Giuliani is seriously campaigning. See, for Giuliani, primaries are kind of like marriages. The first two or three don't really count." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's your patriotic duty to go bankrupt (The other 15% work for the Bush White House)

 

"According to a survey in this week's Time magazine, 85% of Americans think global warming is happening. The other 15% work for the Bush White House." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today President Bush took Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi to Graceland. The prime minister is a huge Elvis fan. There was one embarrassing moment when President Bush made the Japanese prime minister promise that when he visits Japan, he will take him to the Godzilla museum." --Jay Leno

 

"I'm surprised that Jessica Simpson is distancing herself from the president. I mean they have a lot in common: They're both from Texas, they're both under constant press scrutiny and they both have no clue about what's going on in Iraq." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If we pull out now, the guy I tried to make look like a terrorist wins, and we don't want that (10 Bill Gates and 35 Oprahs)

"Yesterday, President Bush and the federal government announced a massive plan to bail out a number of banking institutions. One expert said it might cost Americans more than a trillion dollars. To put that in perspective, ten Bill Gates and 35 Oprahs still don't add up to a trillion dollars." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Jessica Simpson was scheduled to meet with President Bush on behalf of her favorite charity, Operation Smile, but changed her mind when she found out the event was a Republican Party fundraiser. Fortunately former President Clinton has stepped up and volunteered to meet with Jessica himself about this important charitable event and not at a fundraiser, at a totally nonpartisan Ramada Inn well outside of Washington D.C." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I guess Barack Obama won Vermont. Hillary Clinton won Rhode Island, which is a tiny little state. It's only the size of the head of a pin. We don't know who won Ohio or Texas yet. Obama was ahead in Texas. Hillary's not going to quit though, even if she loses. She told her supporters tonight, 'If we pull out now, the guy I tried to make look like a terrorist wins, and we don't want that.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What do you take from the man who has nothing? (he likes being around people who challenge him)

"Last night, Jessica Simpson turned down an invitation to meet President Bush at a fundraiser. Yeah, Bush said he invited Simpson because he likes being around people who challenge him." --Conan O'Brien

"A lot of celebrities are now getting involved in the campaign. It bothers me a little bit, but it's just what happens. Well, Barack Obama's campaign just announced that Barbra Streisand will headline an upcoming fundraiser for Obama. Yeah. And after hearing this, John McCain said, 'and he says I'm out of touch with the American people.'" --Conan O'Brien

"While President Bush was spending the holidays at his Texas ranch, he was clearing brush and a branch cut his face. As a result the tree was cut down and tortured by Dick Cheney." --Conan O'Brien

"There is some good news for John McCain. According to the latest polls, which came out today, John McCain has started to open up a lead over Barack Obama. This is true. Yeah. The USA Today poll has McCain ahead by ten points. The 'CBS News' poll has the two tied. And the MSNBC poll says that Obama won the election last week." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Bush likes being around people who challenge him (high-heeled snow shoes)

"Last night, Jessica Simpson turned down an invitation to meet President Bush at a fundraiser. Yeah, Bush said he invited Simpson because he likes being around people who challenge him." --Conan O'Brien

"And John McCain felt what this nation really needs now is a vice president who looks like Tina Fey." --David Letterman

"The McCain people believe that Americans will disregard Palin s inexperience because they will fall in love with her story. She was a runner up in the 1984 Miss Alaska Pageant, which may sound trite, but you try walking in high-heeled snow shoes." --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

what is she running for, vice president or queen? (Lindsay Lohan's blog)

"Oh, and listen to this. In her blog, Lindsay Lohan, this week, speaking out ... [and] has come out against Sarah Palin. Although most people are reserving judgment until they hear from Nicole Ritchie and Jessica Simpson. You know, I want to make an informed decision. I need all three points of view." --Jay Leno



"Well, as you all know, during the interview with Charles Gibson last week on ABC, Sarah Palin did not know what the Bush doctrine was. But to be fair, a month ago, she didn't know who John McCain was either." --Jay Leno



"But the John McCain campaign said that Sarah Palin will not talk to the media, this is a quote, until reporters can address her with respect and deference. Oh, what is she running for, vice president or queen?" --Jay Leno



http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535 #Bernie2020

Celebrities Read Mean Tweets #4

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

Applicants should be comfortable with Word, Excel, and gay sex in the men's room

"Senator Larry Craig, who by the way, he's still around. Senator Larry Craig has announced that he's accepting applications for a summer internship. That's true. Applicants should be comfortable with Word, Excel, and gay sex in the men's room." --Conan O'Brien

"Last night in Cleveland, another debate between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. When it was all said and done, not much changed. Obama is still favored to get the nomination. I think he proved once and for all that he really does have what it takes to be president of these United States [on screen: Obama mispronouncing 'Massachusetts' twice]. See, he mispronounces things just like the real president does [on screen: Pres. Bush mispronouncing 'peninsula']." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And not only did Barack Obama show he can be president, he also showed that he has what it takes to be married to Nick Lachey [on screen: Jessica Simpson mispronouncing 'Massachusetts' in a variety of ways]. I miss her. I miss them together. I think she'd make a great secretary of state." --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

The FBI is investigating Americans for opposing the war (your F looks like a C)

"Jessica Simpson was scheduled to meet with President Bush on behalf of her favorite charity, Operation Smile, but changed her mind when she found out the event was a Republican Party fundraiser. Fortunately former President Clinton has stepped up and volunteered to meet with Jessica himself about this important charitable event and not at a fundraiser, at a totally nonpartisan Ramada Inn well outside of Washington D.C." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I know the country has been mired in deficit spending and it's been terrible burden on the country in terms of interest payments. Good news today out of Washington. They haven't paid down the debt or come up with any program to do so. What they did is raise the limit of debt we can go to $9 trillion. It sends a great message to the kids: Hey, are you getting an F? Don't study harder, make the grading curve go out to K. Then your F looks like a C." --Jon Stewart

"The FBI is investigating Americans -- just for opposing the war. You know, maybe when we're done establishing a democracy in  Iraq, we could try it over here. Stop, I don't want to get investigated, don't applaud!" --Jay Leno

Bush invited Jessica Simpson because he likes being around people who challenge him

"Earlier today, the Pentagon launched the biggest air attack in Iraq since 2003. The White House said the attack will continue until President Bush's approval rating goes above 40%." --Jay Leno

"We're coming up to the third anniversary of the invasion of Iraq. I'm not sure how Bush is going to mark the occasion. I think we can rule out landing on an aircraft carrier and declaring mission accomplished." --Jay Leno

"Last night, Jessica Simpson turned down an invitation to meet President Bush at a fundraiser. Yeah, Bush said he invited Simpson because he likes being around people who challenge him." --Conan O'Brien

I spent an hour last night rubbing Vick's Vap-o Rub on my parakeet (straight shooter)

"This bird flu is scary, you frightened by this? I spent an hour last night rubbing Vick's Vap-o Rub on my parakeet." --Jay Leno

"More bad news for President Bush, his approval rating now dropped again, now at 33%. I tell you, when he was at college his blood alcohol level was higher than that. I'll give you an idea of how bad Bush's approval rating is, today he got turned down by Di-Tech." --Jay Leno

"I'm surprised that Jessica Simpson is distancing herself from the president. I mean they have a lot in common: They're both from Texas, they're both under constant press scrutiny and they both have no clue about what's going on in Iraq." --Jay Leno

Sure the Bushes were using a tax dodge to screw the needy, but it just didn't click without a sheik involved

"Remember last week when Jessica Simpson declined to meet President Bush? She now says they have plans to sit down together and talk face-to-face. President Bush talking to Jessica Simpson? That should be a real no-brainer." --Jay Leno

"The president's mother, Barbara Bush, donated tax deductible money to the Katrina Relief. Now we find out the specific instructions -- that the money be spent for educational software owned by her son, Neil. Because who can forget those tragic images of the poor black people on the rooftops in New Orleans holding up signs that said, 'Send educational software.'" --Bill Maher

"Who was it that we find out finances Neil's software company? The United Arab Emirates. The same folks who were going to guard our ports. Sure the Bushes were using a tax dodge to screw the needy, but it just didn't click without a sheik involved." --Bill Maher

maybe there is something to this astrology stuff (fire triangle)

"The Bush CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished." --David Letterman

"I want to wish a belated birthday to our president. George W. Bush celebrated the big 6-0 on Thursday. When you realize President Bush and Jessica Simpson were born in the same week, maybe there is something to this astrology stuff." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Of the over 100,000 wildfires that happen in the U.S. each year, not a single one would get started without the fire triangle: Oxygen, heat and fuel. Fire needs all three to exist. It's like the three branches of our government: Legislative, judicial and executive. The fewer there are, the safer we are." --Stephen Colbert

He was always ready for a woman in the Oval Office (My Pet Goat)

"Hillary Clinton said today that she hopes American is ready for a woman in the Oval Office. See, that was the great thing about her husband, Bill. He was always ready for a woman in the Oval Office." --Jay Leno

"Here's a good reason to stay in school. The president was in Salt Lake City yesterday speaking about the War on Terror, while simultaneously fighting his own personal battle with the English language [on screen: Bush mispronouncing 'totalitarian']. You think when he sees Jessica Simpson screw up a word, he laughs or feels sorry for her?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you hear about the president this week? He said so far this year, he's read 60 books. Wow, George Bush, who couldn't finish 'My Pet Goat'?" --Bill Maher