Surprised but grateful (How'd Those People Get Beyond the Gates?)

Two people at a movie theater in Washington state watching Captain America Brave New World, were surprised when the theater ceiling collapsed on them. Surprised but grateful. —Colin Jost

CBS This week premiered the first daytime black soap opera called Beyond the Gates, and also a crossover white soap opera called How'd Those People Get Beyond the Gates? —Colin Jost

Dunkin’ Donuts announced that it will stop charging you more money if you ask for plant based milk in your coffee, but they will keep calling you a p*ssy. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s oakey with notes of...blasted pizza (That was all me)

A woman was recently banned from a Texas Wal-Mart after driving an electric shopping cart around the parking lot for several hours while drinking wine from a Pringles can. Also, I should add, it was 9 o’clock in the morning. If you ever want to know what my goals for retirement are, that’s pretty much it. I will say, if you have a better idea of how to get those crumbs out of the bottom of the can, I’d like to hear it. It makes sense. I can’t believe I’ve never thought of drinking wine out of a pringles can before. “Oh, this Pinot Grigio is robust. It’s oakey with notes of...blasted pizza.” --James Corden

I have lived in Los Angeles for one year, and in that time Los Angeles has regained an NFL team, it started raining again after three years of drought, and they opened the city's first Dunkin' Donuts. Now look, I can't take credit for all of those, but I'm definitely taking credit for that Dunkin' Donuts. That was all me. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He asked for the angel hair just to smell it (Eh, you get used to it)

​​Dunkin' Donuts is partnering with Harpoon Brewery to release a coffee-infused beer. Not to be outdone, Four Loko is now partnering with heroin. --Seth Meyers

According to reports, former Vice President Joe Biden requires that his paid speaking engagements provide him with a dinner of angel hair pomodoro, caprese salad, and raspberry sorbet. And this is weird: He asked for the angel hair just to smell it. --Seth Meyers

And finally, soccer's governing body, FIFA, announced yesterday that it has added a new rule prohibiting goalkeepers from throwing the ball into the other team's net. "Eh, you get used to it," said the Knicks. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That was all me (ew, ew, ew, ew)

In Touch magazine is set to drop a 5,000-word interview with porn star Stormy Daniels about a 2006 affair when she allegedly had sex with Donald Trump. All 5,000 of those words are “ew, ew, ew, ew.” --James Corden

I have lived in Los Angeles for one year, and in that time Los Angeles has regained an NFL team, it started raining again after three years of drought, and they opened the city's first Dunkin' Donuts. Now look, I can't take credit for all of those, but I'm definitely taking credit for that Dunkin' Donuts. That was all me. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I got you a very special package, mine (Cold Mexico)

"Thank you, the TSA, for celebrating your 10th birthday this month. I got you a very special package, mine." –Jimmy Fallon

I saw that Starbucks is going to start blocking adult websites from their Wi-Fi networks. They said there's a time and a place for that type of behavior, and it's all day at Dunkin' Donuts. --Jimmy Fallon

"Herman Cain said that we should focus on our neighbor to the south, Mexico, and our neighbor to the north, Cold Mexico." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I assume he wants to make prisons way harder to get into (That was all me/Hey look! Russians!)

I have lived in Los Angeles for one year, and in that time Los Angeles has regained an NFL team, it started raining again after three years of drought, and they opened the city's first Dunkin' Donuts. Now look, I can't take credit for all of those, but I'm definitely taking credit for that Dunkin' Donuts. That was all me. –James Corden

In other White House news, according to a recent article, President Trump's son-in-law, Jared Kushner, has been asked to turn his focus to prison reform. And based on the way the Russia investigation is going, I assume he wants to make prisons way harder to get into.  --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It's being hailed as a "breakthrough" for people who like to scare small children (for a few seconds he accidentally made some foreigners happy)

Dunkin' Donuts announced next year they will shorten their name from Dunkin' Donuts to just "Dunkin'." And their customers will shorten the name of their disease from diabetes to just 'betes from now on. --Conan O’Brien

Scientists developed a robotic skin that can make stuffed animals appear to come to life. It's being hailed as a "breakthrough" for people who like to scare small children. --Conan O’Brien

At the U.N. today President Trump told world leaders that his administration has accomplished more than any in U.S. history, and the whole audience laughed. Trump was furious — 'cause for a few seconds he accidentally made some foreigners happy. --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

We Don't Understand Royalty (I know, it's crazy, right?)

The Royal wedding is just three days away! Which means in just three days, the world will finally get to see the queen do the Electric Slide. --Jimmy Fallon

Dunkin' Donuts is celebrating the Royal wedding by offering a heart-shaped donut, and Chili's is offering special burger-inspired hats. Which explains our new slogan: "America: We Don't Understand Royalty." --Jimmy Fallon

Kim Jong Un might cancel his meeting with Trump, where they were supposed to discuss North Korea's nuclear weapons. Trump was like, "How could someone just pull out of a nuclear agreement?" And Iran was like, "I know, it's crazy, right?" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We don’t want to compromise our artistic integrity like that (there’s a man out there wondering why he can see so clearly out of his p*nis)

I have lived in Los Angeles for one year, and in that time Los Angeles has regained an NFL team, it started raining again after three years of drought, and they opened the city's first Dunkin' Donuts. Now look, I can't take credit for all of those, but I'm definitely taking credit for that Dunkin' Donuts. That was all me. –James Corden

This story got our attention. A woman in Scotland was recently prescribed an eye cream, and she went home and used it before realizing that she had mistakenly been given erectile dysfunction cream. They mixed up the medications. Which means, somewhere, there’s a man out there wondering why he can see so clearly out of his penis. --James Corden

It was announced that the B Street Band — a Bruce Springsteen cover band — that was booked for an inauguration gala has since decided to cancel out of respect for Springsteen’s opposition to Donald Trump. You know it’s bad when even a cover band is like, “We don’t want to compromise our artistic integrity like that.” –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, you misunderstood. We're shooting peasants (You lost me at 2,000 pages . . . and lost me again at Don Jr.)

Dunkin' Donuts is celebrating the Royal wedding by offering a heart-shaped donut, and Chili's is offering special burger-inspired hats. Which explains our new slogan: "America: We Don't Understand Royalty." --Jimmy Fallon

“It was reported recently that Prince Harry will opt out of the royal family's annual pheasant shoot due to his wife Meghan Markle's love of animals. Said Queen Elizabeth, "Oh, you misunderstood. We're shooting peasants." --Jimmy Fallon

Today over 2,000 pages of testimony were released about the 2016 meeting between Donald Trump Jr. and a Russian lawyer. The president heard and was like, "You lost me at 2,000 pages . . . and lost me again at Don Jr." --Jimmy Fallon

Two people in Arkansas were arrested for stealing $5,000 worth of Little Debbie snack cakes. They were charged with theft and I assume possession of weed. –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I thought Congress got canceled after last season. Their ratings were terrible. (What channel is CDC?)

"We have a new Congress starting today. The 114th Congress convened

today in our nation's capital. I thought Congress got canceled after last

season. Their ratings were terrible." –Jimmy Kimmel

I have lived in Los Angeles for one year, and in that time Los Angeles has

regained an NFL team, it started raining again after three years of drought,

and they opened the city's first Dunkin' Donuts. Now look, I can't take credit

for all of those, but I'm definitely taking credit for that Dunkin' Donuts. That

was all me. –James Corden

A Fort Worth man fell into a large construction hole while walking to

purchase lottery tickets. When asked what he would buy if he won,

he said, “A ladder.” –Seth Meyers

According to a new study by the CDC, women are more likely than men to

experiment with same-sex partners. Said men, “What channel is CDC?”

–Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We'll all be watching the last episode of Breaking Bad (It's our job to rob you guys)

September 2013

"Joe Biden's niece was arrested. The hardest part about arresting a Biden is convincing them they have the right to remain silent." –Conan O’Brien

"President Obama warned that the government could shut down in two weeks. Obama added, 'Not because of a budget impasse but because we'll all be watching the last episode of 'Breaking Bad.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The CEO of Starbucks is asking customers to stop bringing guns into the coffee chain stores. He said, 'It's our job to rob you guys.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Starbucks announced they don't want customers bringing guns into their stores. Meanwhile, Dunkin' Donuts said there is nothing you can bring in here that's more dangerous than what we serve." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Worse, he turned a regular coffee into a latte (Bat On a Stick)

The New York subway will be closed for several hours every night to give workers time to thoroughly clean the trains. While the Staten Island Ferry will be closed for 30 seconds to be sprayed with Drakkar Noir. —Colin Jost

Panda Express employees around the country are reporting an increase in racism directed at them due to the Coronavirus. But it is way worse for employees over at Bat On a Stick. —Colin Jost

Vermont  police arrested a man who went into a Dunkin’ Donuts and exposed himself to the clerk. Worse, he turned a regular coffee into a latte. —Colin Jost

The actor who played The Mountain on Game of Thrones set a new world record by deadlifting 1,100 pounds in a competition. Unfortunately officials still gave the Gold Medal to Bran for some fucking reason. —Colin Jost

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Sometimes I am amazed that Trump only bankrupted three casinos (It was a brussel sprout)

Sometimes I am amazed that Trump only bankrupted three casinos. --Jimmy Kimmel

The former CEO of Starbucks announced that he is running for president. His platform includes building a wall around Dunkin’ Donuts. --Conan O’Brien

A state of emergency has been declared in Wisconsin. Not because of the cold, but because someone ate a vegetable. It was a brussel sprout. The national guard has been called in. --Conan O’Brien

It is so cold in the midwest that truck nuts have actually moved up inside the truck. --Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

today three pigeons walked into Kentucky Fried Chicken and surrendered (throw out the first articles of impeachment)

I tell you folks around the United States, maybe you know this, maybe you don't. We're in the middle of a miserable cold spell here in New York and it was unbelievably cold here again today. I'll give you an idea how cold it was today. Here in New York City the mice down there at Dunkin Donuts, it was so cold they packed up and they went down to the Dunkin Donuts in Miami. --David Letterman 1/6/1999

It was so cold in New York City today three pigeons walked into Kentucky Fried Chicken and surrendered.  --David Letterman 1/6/1999

Tomorrow is the big impeachment trial down there in a Washington DC. Apparently it’s going to be quite a festive occasion. Celine Dion is singing the national anthem, the Nixon family will be on hand to throw out the first articles of impeachment. --David Letterman 1/6/1999

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the flight attendant handed him a live goose and an axe (there's a time and a place for that type of behavior)

I saw that Starbucks is going to start blocking adult websites from their Wi-Fi networks. They said there's a time and a place for that type of behavior, and it's all day at Dunkin' Donuts. --Jimmy Fallon

On a recent flight from Singapore to Japan, a passenger on a budget airline asked for a cup of water and the flight attendant gave him a cup of ice and told him to wait for the ice to melt. But it got worse. The passenger asked for a down pillow and the flight attendant handed him a live goose and an axe. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

What if you're trying to get out? (You're Stoned)

The Secret Service's new presidential limo cost $1.5 million and reportedly includes features such as the ability to electrify door handles to shock anyone trying to get inside. "What if you're trying to get out?" asked one woman [photo of Melania Trump]. --Seth Meyers

Dunkin' Donuts has announced it will be shortening its name to "Dunkin'" in order to increase the emphasis on their non-donut items. Meanwhile, Taco Bell is going all out and just changing their name to "You're Stoned." --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Republican Party Chain of Command (for people who like to scare small children)

Dunkin' Donuts announced next year they will shorten their name from Dunkin' Donuts to just "Dunkin'." And their customers will shorten the name of their disease from diabetes to just 'betes from now on. --Conan O’Brien

Scientists developed a robotic skin that can make stuffed animals appear to come to life. It's being hailed as a "breakthrough" for people who like to scare small children. --Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

Meanwhile Spirit Airlines apologized for quote, “All of it.” (It’s called a “cup.”)

Alaska Airlines apologized today to a gay couple after asking one of them to move so that a straight couple could sit together. Meanwhile Spirit Airlines apologized for quote, “All of it.” --Seth Meyers

50 years ago today, Charles Schulz, the creator of the comic strip “Peanuts” introduced the comic’s first black character named Franklin. Which Marcie immediately reported to the police. --Seth Meyers

Dunkin Donuts is now selling its first ever gluten free product. It’s called a “cup.” --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

This, according to a white woman on the phone with police (now partnering with heroin)

Former first lady Michelle Obama attended a Beyoncé and Jay-Z concert yesterday where she danced in the front row with Beyoncé’s mother. This, according to a white woman on the phone with police. --Seth Meyers

Dunkin' Donuts is partnering with Harpoon Brewery to release a coffee-infused beer. Not to be outdone, Four Loko is now partnering with heroin. --Seth Meyers

The website Vice has published a new article profiling items found in the New York's subway systems Lost and Found. The most common thing lost on the subway? An hour and a half. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”