when you finish and your partner holds up a score (less fraudy by comparison)

March Madness is here. The last third of March means it’s time for college basketball. This is that magical time of the year when the co-worker who knows the least about sports wins $900 in your March Madness pool. —Jimmy Kimmel

In other sports news, officials running the 2024 Olympics in Paris have lifted the intimacy ban for the athletes’ village that was put in place in 2021, during the pandemic. The Paris Games will distribute over 300,000 condoms to its 14,250 athletes. Let’s do the math: that’s 21 condoms per competitor. If you’re having that much sex during the Olympics, you’re probably going to miss the Olympics. —Jimmy Kimmel

“That’s a very Paris thing to do. Every once in awhile, the French need to remind the world that being horny is their thing. The only bad thing about sex during the Olympics is when you finish and your partner holds up a score.” —Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump is said to be considering a new hire: Paul Manafort, one of his former campaign advisers, who went to prison for tax and bank fraud and was pardoned by Trump in 2020. News outlets reported that he was in talks about helping with the Republican National Convention. Trump’s team is hoping that hiring someone who has been convicted of fraud will make Trump seem less fraudy by comparison. —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The craziest part — no one asked the cow to do that (I bet his cellmate is going to love his chore poster)

Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort stole millions of dollars, committed tax and bank fraud, and, in June, he went to jail for witness tampering, a crime he committed while he was on house arrest for a different crime. The nicest thing you can say about him is that he's great at multitasking. I bet his cellmate is going to love his chore poster. --Seth Meyers

A farm in Ohio has the words “NO TRUMP” written so large in cow manure that it can be seen by overhead planes. The craziest part — no one asked the cow to do that. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he just hopped into a white Ford Bronco and took off down the highway (Surprise!)

Donald Trump Jr. and his brother Eric are going to India to launch real estate projects for the Trump Organization. Yeah, it’s all part of a new business strategy called fleeing the country. –Jimmy Fallon

Ivanka Trump had a surprise birthday party this weekend. Because if there’s one thing you want to do when everyone’s facing indictments is jump out and yell, “Surprise!” –Jimmy Fallon

Trump’s former campaign manager, Paul Manafort, was charged with fraud, tax evasion, and money laundering as part of the Russia investigation. I don’t want to say Trump’s nervous, but he just hopped into a white Ford Bronco and took off down the highway. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So next time you're being chased by a rat, don't take the bus! (I bet his cellmate is going to love his chore poster)

According to a new report, the average city bus in New York travels just 6.4 miles per hour, which transit researchers have pointed out is nearly 2 miles per hour slower than a rat can sprint. So next time you're being chased by a rat, don't take the bus! --Seth Meyers

“Just two weeks ago, Donald Trump claimed the US had only 15 cases and is dropping ‘close to zero’. He could not have been more wrong. Close to zero is an insane thing to say when you’re on the brink of a disease outbreak. That should be emblazoned in history as the worst presidential prediction since Abraham Lincoln said, ‘I’m gonna see like 10 plays this year.’” —Seth Meyers

Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort stole millions of dollars, committed tax and bank fraud, and, in June, he went to jail for witness tampering, a crime he committed while he was on house arrest for a different crime. The nicest thing you can say about him is that he's great at multitasking. I bet his cellmate is going to love his chore poster. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is concerning — he said the same thing about Vermont (What if you're trying to get out?)

According to The Washington Post, in July of 2016, former Trump

campaign chairman Paul Manafort offered to provide private

briefings on the presidential race to a Russian billionaire who is

close with Vladimir Putin. So Paul Manafort was the campaign

manager for Donald Trump, and he met with a billionaire who was

friends with Putin, who was in a movie with Kevin Bacon! I did it!

–Seth Meyers

The Secret Service's new presidential limo cost $1.5 million and reportedly includes features such as the ability to electrify door handles to shock anyone trying to get inside. "What if you're trying to get out?" asked one woman [photo of Melania Trump]. --Seth Meyers

President Trump said in a new interview that he is an "absolute 'no' on possible statehood for Puerto Rico." And then — this is concerning — he said the same thing about Vermont. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I bet his cellmate is going to love his chore poster (You tell ’em, handsome!)

Donald Trump said at a recent campaign rally that he has “never met a human being who’s lied” as much as Ted Cruz. Then Melania said, “You tell ’em, handsome!” --Seth Meyers

"New reports show that the Crimean vote to join Russia on Sunday did not include an option for 'no.' There were only two boxes on the ballot, one for 'yes,' and one for 'murder my family.'" –Seth Meyers

Chris Christie announced yesterday that he's dropping out of the presidential race. Christie said he's not sure what he'll do now, and then someone reminded him he's still the governor of New Jersey. –Seth Meyers

An Oregon man led police on a 10-mile, high-speed chase on Sunday in a stolen street sweeper truck. On the bright side, by the time he was arrested, his community service was done. –Seth Meyers

Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort stole millions of dollars, committed tax and bank fraud, and, in June, he went to jail for witness tampering, a crime he committed while he was on house arrest for a different crime. The nicest thing you can say about him is that he's great at multitasking. I bet his cellmate is going to love his chore poster. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they’re wrapping up all the story arcs at once (industrial quantities of crystal meth)

“Some shocking news is that former Trump adviser and human pimple Steve Bannon was arrested on Thursday morning for allegedly skimming over $1m from ‘We Build the Wall’, an online fundraising campaign for the president’s proposed border wall with Mexico. 

It’s been a brutal six months, so I’m gonna mainline some schadenfreude. This news, is the perfect encapsulation of the Trump era. From beginning to end, the wall was a non-stop scam. Trump scammed his supporters by telling them Mexico would pay for it, then we ended up paying for it. 

Then this baked potato Fabio over here – a sunburned Bannon – said he’d pay for it, then he scammed everyone again by allegedly skimming money from it. It’s a Russian nesting doll of fraud. Even funnier is the fact that Bannon was arrested on a luxury yacht off the coast of Connecticut by federal officials and agents from the US Postal Inspection Service. 

Think about how perfect this is: the same public agency Trump is currently trying to destroy, one of the most cherished public institutions in America, arrested his former campaign manager for allegedly skimming money from a fundraiser for their scam border wall. 

And given that Bannon’s arrest occurred two days after a Senate intelligence report confirmed that former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort shared sensitive campaign data with a Russian intelligence official, it’s like the end of the summer TV season and they’re wrapping up all the story arcs at once.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

way to slow-walk it, fellas (Good Morning)

“A damning report from the Republican-led Senate intelligence committee which confirmed that Trump’s former campaign manager Paul Manafort briefed a Russian intelligence officer on campaign data. This is as definitive as it gets of evidence for election collusion with Russia, and the worst part is, no one cares because it’s old news. 

It’s like finding out now that the characters on Lost really did die in the plane crash. I just want to say to the Senate and Robert Mueller and everyone, everyone else involved in the Russia investigation: way to slow-walk it, fellas. You couldn’t have released definitive proof of a criminal conspiracy to cheat in the 2016 election before Trump botched the deadly pandemic? 

I can’t wait till August 2022 when the Senate announces that, yes, Trump did burn all the mail-in ballots from blue states the day before the election.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If they ever get out of federal prison, they will vouch for me (A $750 Billion Gift to the Pentagon)

“Trump was reminded that destroying a countries Cultural achievements is considered a war crime. [As Trump] I like to obey the law, just ask Paul Manafort or Michael Cohen. If they ever get out of federal prison, they will vouch for me.” —Stephen Colbert

“How does this administration never seem to be on the same page? Trump says they’ll bomb cultural sites, his administration says he won’t. Trump says he will, they say he won’t, now he says he won’t. It’s like they have a group chat but Trump never gets the message because he’s on Android.” —Trevor Noah

“Iran’s foreign minister today criticized President Trump’s strike on a military leader and said Trump is showing he is ‘prepared to commit war crimes.’ Well, that’s not really fair — he doesn’t prepare for anything.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

individual one is in deep number two (That's a lot of witches)

It's a big news day, I know why you're happy. The Mueller Report finally came out. For liberals this is like Christmas if it was based on real events. But wait nobody knows what's in the report. Everybody on TV is giving an opinion on this very important report that they have not read. I just saw a graphic on MSNBC called “Breaking Speculation.” What we do know for sure is that individual one is in deep number two. --Bill Maher

Trump has tweeted over 170 times that this is a witch-hunt and yet there's criminal charges against 34 people and 6 Trump associates. Manafort and Cohen and Flynn and Stone and Papadopoulos and Gates. That's a lot of witches. --Bill Maher

Trump said of John McCain, “I’m not a fan.” Tell me about it. Today Trump asked his Russian hookers to pee on McCain's grave. --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

she's having Mike Pence's office redecorated by the guys from "Queer Eye." (The Working Poor)

Trump's former campaign manager Paul Manafort is in all kinds of legal trouble. Last week, he was sentenced to 47 months in jail. And then today, he got another 43 months from a different trial. Then after that, he got indicted on some totally new charges. And to top it all off, when he left the courtroom, somebody spoiled "The Bachelor" for him. --Jimmy Fallon

I heard that Nancy Pelosi controls all the office space in the House of Representatives, and she just decided to take one away from Mike Pence. And just to throw in a little extra shade, she's having it redecorated by the guys from "Queer Eye." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Or as your liver calls it, March Madness (cure hemorrhoids with the marijuana)

Oh, and listen to this. Medical marijuana experts now say you can cure hemorrhoids using marijuana. Let me tell you something. If you think you can cure hemorrhoids with the marijuana, somebody's just blowing smoke up your ass, okay? --Jay Leno

I love spring break. It's that special time of year, when students switch from binge-drinking at school to binge-drinking on vacation. --Jimmy Fallon

Yep, we got spring break, and pretty soon, it's gonna be St. Patrick's Day. Or as your liver calls it, March Madness. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I bet his cellmate is going to love his chore poster (a three-year-old goat)

Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort stole millions of dollars, committed tax and bank fraud, and, in June, he went to jail for witness tampering, a crime he committed while he was on house arrest for a different crime. The nicest thing you can say about him is that he's great at multitasking. I bet his cellmate is going to love his chore poster. --Seth Meyers

The Chicago Symphony Orchestra went on strike today, or as they call it, rest. --Seth Meyers

A Florida man was recently sentenced to 60 days in jail after he grabbed a McDonald's employee by their shirt collar because he couldn't find a straw. I mean, that is insane. Someone in Florida was wearing a shirt? --Seth Meyers

According to a new report, the average city bus in New York travels just 6.4 miles per hour, which transit researchers have pointed out is nearly 2 miles per hour slower than a rat can sprint. So next time you're being chased by a rat, don't take the bus! --Seth Meyers

And finally, a Vermont town recently elected a three-year-old goat to be its mayor, which was pretty embarrassing for the guy who ran against him. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

a supply of fresh teenage blood to keep Rupert Murdoch undead (massage parlor in Florida)

The big news from former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort was sentenced to four years in jail. Manafort got off pretty easy. He was supposed to get 19 to 24 years in prison. He got four years, otherwise known as the white guy discount. I haven't seen a Trump supporter get off that much since Robert Kraft went to that massage parlor in Florida. --Bill Maher

At least Trump is term-limited. We'll be living under the influence of Fox News as long as there's a supply of fresh teenage blood to keep Rupert Murdoch undead. --Samantha Bee

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The Price of Apathy Towards Public Affairs (Vladimir Putin's smile)

Breaking story from the New York Times. The FBI was investigating whether Trump was working for the Russians. I mean, what tipped them off? Was it Trump's secret meeting with the Russians in the Oval Office, his son's secret meeting with Russians in Trump Tower, his lawyer's secret deal to build a Trump Tower in Moscow, Jeff Session's secret meeting with the Russian ambassador, Jared Kushner's secret back channel with the Kremlin, Michael Flynn's secret back channel with the Kremlin, Erik Prince's secret back channel with the Kremlin, Paul Manafort sharing secret polling data with the Russians, his foreign policy advisor's secret meeting with the Russians, the Russian hackers who helped Trump win, Trump asking the Russian hackers to help him win, or Vladimir Putin's smile every time he sees Trump? --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

How many times do I have to say it? I don't know things (they just rolled with it)

President Trump tweeted today, quote, "Because of the Democrats' intransigence on border security -- "Wait, wait, I'm sorry. There is no way Trump typed the word "intransigence." Either someone wrote that tweet for him, or that's autocorrected from "ice cream cake." --Seth Meyers

President Trump today denied knowing that his former campaign chair Paul Manafort shared polling data in 2016 with a Russian-linked associate. Said Trump, "How many times do I have to say it? I don't know things." --Seth Meyers

A McDonald's in California has re-opened three days after a man brought in a dead raccoon and placed it on one of the tables. Meanwhile at Taco Bell, they just rolled with it. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

But I have read some obituaries with great pleasure (and about twenty other guys to be named later)

At least Michael Cohen will have plenty of friends in prison. He’ll be in the prison’s newly dedicated Trump Administration Wing. It’ll be him, Paul Manafort and about twenty other guys to be named later. --James Corden

According to a new study, 77% of people surveyed said they would go without alcohol for a year than quit using Amazon. And almost half would go so far as to give up sex. Now, what in the world are you people ordering? I can’t believe this. People would rather have Amazon than alcohol or sex. And soon, poor Michael Cohen will have to give up all three. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Yes, but for 350 dollars, a guy will come to your table and waterboard a lobster (paid in pelts)

"Over the weekend, Sarah Palin was speaking to a group called the Tea Party Group. And she received a hundred thousand dollars in payment. Now, of course, she was paid in pelts, but still." –David Letterman

"But 350 bucks a plate at Pailn’s Tea Party event a lot of people say, 'Whoa! Dave, that seems a little pricey.' Yes, but for 350 dollars, a guy will come to your table and waterboard a lobster." –David Letterman

"We learned last weekend that Sarah Palin writes notes on her hand when she's giving speeches. You can see the notes right there on her hand. The first one is, 'Hitch up the dogsled,' 'buy Chapstick,' 'clean rifle.'" –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

beating the previous record held by the comforters at Days Inn (LOW-level Russian official)

Some analysts are claiming that Special Counsel Robert Mueller may have struck a plea deal with former Trump campaign chair Paul Manafort to target high-level Russian officials, not President Trump. Because Trump is a LOW-level Russian official. --Seth Meyers

Scientists have announced plans to build a genetic Noah's Ark which will contain genetic information from 66,000 species, beating the previous record held by the comforters at Days Inn.  --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

flipping like a gymnast making pancakes on a trampoline (Melania is a hologram!)

The Russia investigation is still marching on, and today there's big news about Trump's former campaign manager Paul Manafort. Rumors are Manafort is in talks with the special counsel's office about a possible plea deal. Yes, the man Trump called brave for not turning state's evidence is now flipping like a gymnast making pancakes on a trampoline. --Stephen Colbert

But you can't blame Manafort. He now faces a second trial after he was already found guilty and faces up to 10 years in prison. You know what they say: "Convict me once, shame on you. Convict me twice, I will tell you anything!" Trump eats panda meat! Melania is a hologram! That's not the original Ivanka! She's a clone. She's a clone! --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”