And to celebrate, our president is 99 percent off (OK, cut him down)

Today was National Thrift Shop Day. And to celebrate, our president is 99 percent off. –Seth Meyers

Despite no longer working for Donald Trump, former campaign strategist Roger Stone said today that he still fully supports his former boss. At which point, Trump said, “OK, cut him down.” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Why are you mad about this? But not this? (DO NOT CONGRATULATE)

The Times believes Michael Cohen might flip because, according to long-time Trump associate Roger Stone, "Donald goes out of his way to treat Cohen like garbage." Yes, Donald Trump treats his friends like garbage — as opposed to his wives, who go into the recycling bin. --Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump loves to trash talk people, but, strangely, he has never said one bad thing about Vladimir Putin. In fact, last week, Trump called Putin to congratulate him on winning a shady election in which he was the only real candidate, despite the fact that his advisors gave him notes in all-capital letters stating "DO NOT CONGRATULATE.” Come on guys, if you want him to read a note, put it on something he pays attention to, like a cheeseburger or Ivanka. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the only Trump being held in prison right now is Melania (This is like if O.J. had been turned in by his gloves)

October 2022

“The House January 6th committee’s 10th and potentially final public hearing was on Thursday, which felt a lot like Game of Thrones coming back but instead of dragons roasting people alive, Liz Cheney was doing it.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“A lot of the evidence in these hearings came from Trump’s inner circle. This is like if O.J. had been turned in by his gloves.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Among the evidence presented on Thursday was video testimony from former White House aide Cassidy Hutchinson. According to Hutchinson, Donald Trump was well aware that he lost the 2020 election, telling chief of staff Mark Meadows: ‘I don’t want people to know we lost, Mark, this is embarrassing.’ Is that more embarrassing than continuing to say you won an election two years after you lost that election? Man, did his parents do a number on him.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“The committee also presented audio of Trump aides Steve Bannon and Roger Stone baldly stating plans to discredit the election before the results were known. After seeing all this evidence, it’s crazy that the only Trump being held in prison right now is Melania.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The World's Largest Arms-Producing Companies (right before he slips out of his handcuffs)

September 2022

“There are several major questions for the House January 6th committee, including whether to subpoena Donald Trump himself. I gotta be honest, if I was on the committee, I’m not sure where I would land on the question of whether to subpoena Trump. I mean, on the one hand it would be great to get him under oath on camera, so you could make him answer questions in front of the public under the threat of perjury. On the other hand, he’s not going to answer questions under threat of perjury. Putting Trump on the stand is as good an idea as putting a chimpanzee in a school play – he’s not going to stick to the script.” —Seth Meyers

“Trump can’t even answer softball questions from his friends on Fox News without going off on deranged tangents. It would take days. The networks would have to pre-empt all their programming so Trump could ramble about statues or ax murders or windmills or toilets that don’t flush, although it would be nice to get him under oath about the toilets he’s always talking about. The committee will also use footage from a documentary that shows the Trump associate Roger Stone anticipating the insurrection before the 2020 election. In footage captured by Danish film-makers for A Storm Foretold, Stone explains how Trump will discredit the election and use armed guards to refuse to cede power. Why do all these guys explain their criminal schemes out loud in highly specific details before they do them? They’re like Bond villains spelling out exactly how they’re going to kill him right before he slips out of his handcuffs.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, if you're buying your meals at Walgreens, I have even more bad news (OK, cut him down)

Tonight was the first Republican primary debate. If you missed it, just imagine your uncle at Thanksgiving dinner, and then multiply by 10. –Seth Meyers

Despite no longer working for Donald Trump, former campaign strategist Roger Stone said today that he still fully supports his former boss. At which point, Trump said, “OK, cut him down.” –Seth Meyers

The USDA has issued a health alert over pre-made salads and wraps sold at Walgreens due to concerns they may be contaminated with an intestinal parasite. So, if you're buying your meals at Walgreens, I have even more bad news. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Has this been the sane version of Trump this whole time? (And she says that so far he’s buying it!)

The American flag behind Vice President Mike Pence during his speech in Brussels yesterday accidentally featured 51 stars instead of 50. In honor of the new 51st U.S. state — panic. –Seth Meyers

A female zebra shark in Australia has shocked researchers by developing the ability to produce offspring asexually, after spending time away from her male partner. And she says that so far he’s buying it! –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump said that Ted Cruz is a liar who looks like a jerk. Not to be confused with Trump, who is a jerk who looks like a liar. –Seth Meyers

On Saturday, Trump faced his third weekend straight of nationwide protests, including at his Palm Beach resort, Mar-a-Lago, where he was staying. Will the protests get to Trump? Well, a longtime ally, Roger Stone, told Politico, “Donald used to come and go as he pleases, and now he can’t and he has protesters on top of that. Mar-a-Lago is like an oasis for him. But if he feels he can’t go there to unwind, I wonder if it will make him go crazy.” Make him go crazy? Has this been the sane version of Trump this whole time? –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He looked like an 18th-century oil baron that makes his own meth at home (drumming up publicity for a landscaping company)

November 2021

“The congressional committee investigating the Jan. 6 insurrection had subpoenaed five more Trump allies this week, including disgraced right-wing conspiracy theorist Alex Jones, who always looks like he’s trying to Hulk out even though he wasn’t exposed to gamma rays, and Roger Stone, the guy who famously showed up to Trump’s inauguration looking like an 18th-century oil baron that makes his own meth at home.” —Seth Meyers

“I mean, your law license was suspended, and you lost every case you brought after the election. The only thing you succeeded at doing was drumming up publicity for a landscaping company.” — Seth Meyers on Rudy Giuliani

“And, believe me, I’m as shocked as you are that these misshapen potato chips like Steve Bannon, Alex Jones or Roger Stone had a plan. It’s much easier to think of them as a bunch of easily distracted doofuses who get caught trying to steal a pen from a bank without realizing it’s chained to the desk.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, I’m not in a band (existential threat)

May 2021

“Trump’s been in potential legal hot water for a while now, as evidenced not just by his own criminal probes but all the criminals or alleged criminals surrounding him, including his former campaign manager Steve Bannon (indicted, then pardoned), adviser Roger Stone (pardoned), national security adviser Michael Flynn (pardoned), foreign policy adviser George Papadopoulos (pardoned), deputy chair of his inaugural committee Elliott Broidy (pardoned), deputy chair of his campaign, Rick Gates (went to prison, pardoned), his personal lawyer Michael Cohen (went to prison) and his other personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani (under active criminal investigation). 

It’s just basic logic that if you’re surrounded at all times by that many criminals, there’s a solid chance you’re also a criminal. You never hear someone on stage at a concert say ‘that’s Doug on the bass, give it up for Russell on rhythm guitar, that’s Mick on lead, that’s Billy on keyboards, and me? Oh, I’m not in a band.’” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The same way Disney was with Harvey Weinstein (and my chopping is perfect)

Presidents Day is coming up. We have come a long way from George Washington haven’t we? Washington said I cannot tell a lie, I chopped down the cherry tree. Trump would say (as Trump) I never met that tree and my chopping is perfect. —Bill Maher 

 The Republican Senate has decided that Trump is emperor. They said if Trump is making us money then he can do whatever he wants. The same way Disney was with Harvey Weinstein. —Bill Maher

Trump’s friend Roger Stone, who looks like the doorman at an orgy, was convicted in court of seven felonies and was sentenced to nine years in prison. Stone was one of Trump’s original political advisors. They go way back. Trump has known Roger Stone over three wives. —Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The only difference between this and a banana republic is that Trump does not eat fruit (Hey, go easy on my cronies)

“Sometimes you feel like Donald Trump is corrupting all of the democratic institutions that we hold dear. Well, I’ve got some good news for you: you’re not crazy to feel that way. The latest example was Trump crony and man voted Best Dressed at Nuremberg, Roger Stone, who was convicted of seven felonies last year and recommended by federal prosecutors for a prison sentence of seven to nine years. But even that lighter sentence did not sit well with Stone’s old pal Donald Trump. By some impossible coincidence – how it could it be?! – it was then announced that the justice department will take the extraordinary step of lowering the recommended prison time for Roger Stone. So Donald Trump and his attorney general are using the justice department to go easy on his cronies. The only difference between this and a banana republic is that Trump does not eat fruit.” —Stephen Colbert

“As a protest against Trump’s carriage of misjustice, all four of Roger Stone’s prosecutors resigned. That’s right, they all walked. It must not have been easy for them to find the exits, since Bill Barr has relocated the Department of Justice up Trump’s ass.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

individual one is in deep number two (That's a lot of witches)

It's a big news day, I know why you're happy. The Mueller Report finally came out. For liberals this is like Christmas if it was based on real events. But wait nobody knows what's in the report. Everybody on TV is giving an opinion on this very important report that they have not read. I just saw a graphic on MSNBC called “Breaking Speculation.” What we do know for sure is that individual one is in deep number two. --Bill Maher

Trump has tweeted over 170 times that this is a witch-hunt and yet there's criminal charges against 34 people and 6 Trump associates. Manafort and Cohen and Flynn and Stone and Papadopoulos and Gates. That's a lot of witches. --Bill Maher

Trump said of John McCain, “I’m not a fan.” Tell me about it. Today Trump asked his Russian hookers to pee on McCain's grave. --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Let’s put it this way. T’aint on his back (the umbrella he uses to defeat Batman)

Roger Stone was arrested in Fort Lauderdale, but they also raided his New York residence up in Harlem. It was easy to find, because it’s the only neighborhood’s only evil lair. --Stephen Colbert

There’s speculation that the FBI’s true target  was not Mr. Stone himself, but his electronic devices. Yeah, they went after everything. His computers, his phones, the umbrella he uses to defeat Batman. --Stephen Colbert

Stone held a press conference after his arrest. When he left, Stone bid a fond farewell by doing his best impersonation of Richard Nixon. Ah, yes, impersonating Richard Nixon. The universal sign for, “I’m innocent.” Then he shouted “Helter Skelter” and his friend drove him away in a White Bronco. --Stephen Colbert

Stone claims to have been an advisor on the Nixon campaign, and he admires the former president so much he has a tattoo of Nixon on his back. Not pictured: Where he has one of Trump. Let’s put it this way. T’aint on his back. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

all it takes to make you look like a criminal is light and eyeballs (the fifth-worst Jaden)

Parts of the Midwest saw temperatures lower than those in Antarctica today, due to Winter Storm Jaden. People are saying it's the worst winter storm in the last 100 years, but only the fifth-worst Jaden. --Seth Meyers

In an interview yesterday, former Trump adviser Roger Stone accused special counsel Robert Mueller of coordinating with CNN to produce "great footage to make him look like a criminal." Dude, all it takes to make you look like a criminal is light and eyeballs. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The viral marketing for Game of Thrones has gone too far! (Winter is Coming!)

This story got our attention. A woman in Scotland was recently prescribed an eye cream, and she went home and used it before realizing that she had mistakenly been given erectile dysfunction cream. They mixed up the medications. Which means, somewhere, there’s a man out there wondering why he can see so clearly out of his penis. --James Corden

Windchill temperatures are expected to reach minus 50 in Chicago and minus 60 in Minneapolis. I’m going to say it. The viral marketing for Game of Thrones has gone too far! We get it! Winter is Coming! --Stephen Colbert

Speaking of things that Trump hopes aren’t real: The Mueller investigation. Trump confidant Roger Stone has been indicted on seven charges, and today he pled not guilty to all of them. So he claims to be innocent, but his Richard Nixon back tattoo begs to differ. --Stephen Colbert

Great news. Scientists are working on a pill for loneliness. We already have one. It’s called Cinnabon. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I didn't know Downton Abbey had a pimp (This was in no way my last stand)

And you know, when Trump first heard about the arrest, he was furious to find out that the FBI hadn't also been shut down. Meyers as Trump, “What? I thought there were no laws during the shutdown, like in that movie "The Purge." --Seth Meyers

Also, if Trump had to tell people it wasn't a concession, then it was definitely a concession, like that time Custer wrote home from Little Bighorn, "This was in no way my last stand." --Seth Meyers

Do you remember Roger Stone’s outfit at Trump’s inauguration? I didn't know Downton Abbey had a pimp. Robert Mueller arrested him on seven counts of perjury and five counts of looking like Teddy Roosevelt's deadbeat dad. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

old white dudes getting dragged out of their crib like dope dealers (Whose a good boy?)

On Trump’s caving and opening the government back up. Y’all got to calm down. You didn’t win anything yet. Stop gloating. The man is still one tweet away from declaring a state of emergency and bringing back slavery. You got to treat him like you’re training a dog. With constant positive reinforcement. Maybe every time he does something you like, tweet out, “Whose a good boy?” --Michael Che, SNL

Roger Stone was arrested at 6:00 a.m. Friday morning by a team of officers with heavy weapons. Finally. This is all I’ve been waiting for, old white dudes getting dragged out of their crib like dope dealers. Was it excessive? Yes. And I wish it was worse. I wish he was just wearing boxers and a durag. Give him the works. --Michael Che, SNL

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

and I assume the attempted murder of Batman (a level of risk we cannot even calculate)

It’s pretty clear that Trump has not figured out how to deal with Nancy Pelosi yet. Usually, when a woman is giving him too much trouble, he just gives her $130,000 to shut up. --Colin Jost, SNL

One of the factors that led to Trump making a deal was the ground delays at LaGuardia Airport. You know you are failing as a president when you somehow made LaGuardia worse. The ground delays occurred because the shutdowns was causing what airline industry unions called, a level of risk we cannot even calculate. Which also happens to be the slogan for Spirit Airlines. --Colin Jost, SNL

Yes, long time Trump advisor and business babadook, Roger Stone has been charged by the Special Counsel’s office on seven counts including obstruction, making false statements, witness tampering and I assume the attempted murder of Batman. --Colin Jost, SNL

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I feel sorry for his cellmate try to keep an erection looking at that (That's so dumb, your base will come)

Trump today announced a deal to temporarily reopen the federal government. It'll be open for three weeks. Like his casinos. --Bill Maher

He hasn't been idle. Trump came up with a new slogan. Did you hear it? He said, “Build a wall, and crime will fall.” It's stupid, it's factually inaccurate. So I came up with one. That's so dumb, your base will come. --Bill Maher

Trump's ban on transgender people serving in the military. The Supreme Court says that can be enforced. That's what you get when you put Brett Kavanaugh on the Supreme Court. Trump has always had it out for the transgender people. People asked him why? He said, “No one wants to grab a pussy and get a surprise.” --Bill Maher

Big news. Roger Stone today was arrested. Trump's first and greatest political booster. He's been trying to make Donald Trump president since 1988. He should go to jail just for that. But I mean he is a true believer. Stone has a giant tattoo of Richard Nixon covering his entire back, that's true. I feel sorry for his cellmate try to keep an erection looking at that. --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

Trump treats his friends like garbage — as opposed to his wives, who go into the recycling bin

The New York Times believes Michael Cohen might flip because, according to long-time Trump associate Roger Stone, "Donald goes out of his way to treat Cohen like garbage." Yes, Trump treats his friends like garbage — as opposed to his wives, who go into the recycling bin. --Stephen Colbert

Now, the Times says what is "particularly hurtful to Mr. Cohen was the way Mr. Trump lavished approval on Corey Lewandowski in a way he never did for Mr. Cohen." Making it the first time anyone has ever said, "I wish I was more like Corey Lewandowski." --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Doesn't have a happy ending for you (Do it on Bloomberg – no witnesses!)

Here's what happened: Robert Mueller issued a subpoena to Nunberg to get him to testify about the Russia investigation, and not only did Nunberg say he won't show up, he said he was planning to go on Bloomberg TV and tear up the subpoena. Smart thinking. Do it on Bloomberg – no witnesses! --Stephen Colbert

But Nunberg isn't afraid of spilling on TV. This afternoon, he took to MSNBC to complain about the subpoena [clip of Nunberg]: "I'm not going to produce every email I had with Steve Bannon and Roger Stone from Nov. 1 of 2015." Whoa, what happened on Nov. 1? That is weirdly specific. "Officer, I'm a busy man. I don't have time to walk you out to the third storage drain north of my barn. I definitely did not dump a body in there between the hours of 4:00 and 6:00 last night." --Stephen Colbert

Nunberg has made it clear, unequivocally, that he’s willing to sacrifice for his cause [clip of Nunberg being asked if he’s willing to go to jail]: "I’m not cooperating. Arrest me." You know Mueller CAN arrest you, right? That's like saying "eat me" to Hannibal Lecter. Doesn't have a happy ending for you. --Stephen Colbert

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html