You think politicians would admire that (the court recessed for a ten-minute bathroom break, and he got arrested again)

 

"The folks at ABC ran into some trouble with their 9/11 mini-series. Lots of politicians are upset with the show because they say it cleverly mixes facts with lies to mislead the American public. You think politicians would admire that." --Jay Leno

"And yesterday, Senator Larry Craig, you all remember Larry Craig, America's favorite restroom enthusiast. Well, he, somehow, he got a Minnesota court to hear an appeal of his case involving soliciting gay sex in an airport men's room. Unfortunately, the court recessed for a ten-minute bathroom break, and he got arrested again." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, if you don't count the wire taps (and look good dressed as a construction worker)

 

"No, Larry Craig says he wants interns to work in his office that have a solid work ethic, a knowledge of politics, and look good dressed as a construction worker." --Jay Leno

"A lot of people said Al Gore was the best vice president the country ever had. Not to take anything away from Al, but look at the competition. He replaced a guy who couldn't spell 'potato' and was followed by a guy who shot someone in the face." --Jay Leno

 

"President Bush met with all the former secretaries of State and Defense for advice on Iraq. This is quite a change. This is the first time Bush has listened to anybody. Well, if you don't count the wire taps." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The book will be divided into the two chapters, 'Heads' and 'Tails.' (When was the last time you saw that happen?)

"Former President Bush announced today he is writing a book on how he made decisions while in the White House. The book will be divided into the two chapters, 'Heads' and 'Tails.'" –Jay Leno

"Record ratings for the Oscars last night. Kathryn Bigelow won best director for her film about the Iraq war. But in her speech, she forgot to thank the two people without whom this film could never have been made — Bush and Cheney." –Jay Leno

"No, Larry Craig's lawyer yesterday told a three-judge panel in Minnesota that the foot tapping in a men's room must be protected under the first amendment right to free speech. Boy, the Republicans using the Constitution? When was the last time you saw that happen?" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Unless you count that trucker who played hard to get (cowards who don't have the courage to show their faces)

"This week a group of activists, known as Anonymous, hacked the Twitter account of the KKK. The KKK is furious. They said Anonymous is just a bunch of cowards who don't have the courage to show their faces." –Conan O'Brien

"According to an exclusive interview, Senator Larry Craig said that because of his sex scandal, he's now in 'the toughest fight of his life.' Then Craig added, 'Unless you count that trucker who played hard to get.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush told reporters he won't see Al Gore's documentary about the threat of global warming. He will not see it. On the other hand, Dick Cheney said he's seen the global warming film five times, and it still cracks him up." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

President Bush is already stockpiling excuses (It flew right over my vacation home in Pyongyang)

 

"Delegates were captivated by Sarah Palin's speech; at one point while she was speaking, the room got so quiet, you could hear Larry Craig's toilet flush." --David Letterman

"June 1st is the start of the hurricane season. President Bush is already stockpiling excuses." --David Letterman

"The North Koreans are always making trouble. They launched a rocket there over the weekend. It was scary when they fired that rocket. It flew right over my vacation home in Pyongyang." –David Letterman

"Speaking of President Bush, right now he's in Cancun, Mexico. He's down there looking for tequila of mass destruction." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was very moving when the small children helped President Bush pronounce some of the harder words (There's only so much you can believe)

 

"And while he was in Africa, President Bush visited a school in Tanzania, and read to the students from 'The Cat in the Hat." It was very moving when the small children helped President Bush pronounce some of the harder words." --Jay Leno

"Anyway, the New York Times did it again today. Did you see the paper today? They released a story suggesting Hillary was sleeping with Bill. Now, come on. There's only so much you can believe." --Jay Leno

"No, Sarah Palin had everybody mesmerized. Even Senator Larry Craig said he was glued to his toilet seat." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Protect the establishment at all costs (Only 13 percent of his ex-wives voted for him)

"I heard that New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is very excited about the movie 'Hunger Games.' He's apparently under the impression it's about competitive eating." –David Letterman

“Newt Gingrich had a horrible week in the Iowa caucuses. Only 13 percent of his ex-wives voted for him.” –David Letterman

"They are talking about John McCain and his relationship with that hot blond lobbyist, Vicki. But I want to tell you something. After Senator Larry Craig, this is a Washington scandal the whole family can enjoy, don't you think?" --David Letterman

 

"And now on Monday, right after being sworn in, the new governor of New York, David Paterson, he announces that he cheated on his wife. I'm thinking, this guy didn't waste any time, did he?" --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, finally a reason to live in New Jersey (So, it sounds like somebody had a hell of a weekend)

"Oh, and New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine has signed legislation

making marijuana legal, huh? Well, finally a reason to live in New

Jersey." –Jay Leno

"Jerry Sanders, the mayor of San Diego, said this week his views on gay marriage have evolved over time. He said he used to be against gay marriage, but now he's in favor of it. So, it sounds like somebody had a hell of a weekend." –Jay Leno

"The American Civil Liberties Union is defending America's favorite restroom enthusiast, Senator Larry Craig. 'Mr. Urinal,' they call him. Remember, he's the senator who got caught soliciting sex in the men's room at the Minneapolis airport. Well, now the ACLU said that sex in a public restroom is considered private if the door is closed. That's something to think about the next time you're putting that tissue liner around the toilet bowl." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A network that's more trustworthy than NBC. How about Al Jazeera? (Iraq rememberer)

"Conan says he wants to work for a network that's more trustworthy than NBC. How about Al Jazeera?" –David Letterman

 

"Ladies and gentlemen, here is great news. Senator Larry Craig from Idaho is looking for interns. What parent doesn't want to hear, 'Well guess what, Dad, I got accepted into Larry Craig's intern program'? But if you're interested, Larry Craig is now accepting applications from interns. Just slide your resume under the stall." --David Letterman

"Things are so bad at NBC now that earlier today, the NBC peacock walked into a KFC and surrendered." –David Letterman

 

"It turns out now that Dick Cheney did not have a license to hunt, and coincidentally, turns out we didn't have a license to go into Iraq." --David Letterman

"The bad news is Iran is capable of making a nuclear bomb. The good news is they have to drop it from a camel." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I thought we had the only Governor who covered himself in baby oil (It's what happens when you're not an a**hole)

 

"The man who Cheney shot is named Harry Whittington. He's a high powered Republican lawyer, he was very lucky. They say the only reason that he wasn't killed is because he was wearing the body armor that never got shipped to our troops." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This is a great story. You've got the Vice President, a shotgun, a bunch of rich guys hunting tiny little birds. The only thing that could possibly make this story better is if he shot Michael Jackson." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Obviously, they're keeping the less popular Republicans out of the spotlight. President Bush gave a speech last night which couldn't have been more than five minutes long. Dick Cheney is in Azerbaijan, which I think is the farthest possible point from Minneapolis on the globe, and they actually locked Senator Larry Craig in the convention center men's room. Either that or he locked himself in, I'm not sure." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It has been revealed that Sarah Palin had a tanning bed installed in the Alaska Governor's mansion. All along, I thought we had the only Governor who covered himself in baby oil." --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's easy to spot: it was the one with the balloons hanging over it (George Bush, the other way around)

Happy birthday to Ed Lowe, the man who invented Kitty Litter. Here's what I admire about Ed Lowe. Here was a guy who was thinking inside the box.—David Letterman

"Anybody here from Minnesota? Congratulations, you have a brand new senator, our old friend, Al Franken. Al is an interesting guy. Went from being a comedian to a politician. George Bush, the other way around." --David Letterman

"But Governor Mark Sanford didn't really enjoy this year's Fourth of July. He left his favorite firecracker in Argentina." --David Letterman

"The convention kicked off with a big mixer for Republican delegates in Senator Larry Craig's airport restroom stall. Easy to spot: it was the one with the balloons hanging over it." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And if that doesn't work, Dick Cheney is going to give it a shot in the face (If trickle down economics worked at all...)

"Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she's too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, too angry to be president. When she heard this, Hillary said, 'Oh yeah? I'll rip your throats out, you bastards.'" --David Letterman

 

"Are you folks worried about the economy? Stock market crumbling. Everybody's crazy about this. Don't worry. George W. Bush says he's got something in mind to give it a shot in the arm. And if that doesn't work, Dick Cheney is going to give it a shot in the face." --David Letterman

 

"It was such a riveting speech, the State of the Union speech, Senator Larry Craig only took two bathroom breaks." --David Letterman

"But, I want to tell you something, the Republicans, they're not taking this John McCain scandal lightly. They are very concerned about this new scandal, yes, they are. But, on the bright side, it doesn't involve an airport men's room." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Where do you see yourself exploding in the next five years? (The Great Wall of Chimichanga)

"The United States Senate today took some steps to keep illegal immigrants out of our 'American Idol' competitions. They voted to build a 370-mile long fence along the border between the U.S. and Mexico. They also announced that they're going to hire illegal immigrant workers to build it. The Senators voted overwhelmingly for the fence. As I said, it is 370 miles long. Unfortunately, the actual border with Mexico is more than 2,000 miles long. So, I guess the message is 'go around.' Tentatively, they're calling it 'The Great Wall of Chimichanga.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Obviously, they're keeping the less popular Republicans out of the spotlight. President Bush gave a speech last night which couldn't have been more than five minutes long. Dick Cheney is in Azerbaijan, which I think is the farthest possible point from Minneapolis on the globe, and they actually locked Senator Larry Craig in the convention center men's room. Either that or he locked himself in, I'm not sure." --Jimmy Kimmel

 

The government released hundreds of documents seized from Osama bin Laden's compound. Among the items is a job application for al-Qaida. It's like a regular job application except it asks questions like, "Where do you see yourself exploding in the next five years?"—Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The main course was roasted pig in a lipstick glaze (I'm sorry you can't afford to be alive)

 

"Dubai announced they will sell ownership of the six American ports to another investor. The bad news: It's Iran. This is the biggest setback for the Bush administration, well, all day." –Jay Leno

"And Senator Larry Craig, America's favorite restroom enthusiast, announced he's actually looking for interns who want to work in his office. Here's the creepy part. His advice to anyone who wants to be his intern, 'Think inside the bun.'" --Jay Leno

"I had a great dinner last night. Put on a Barbra Streisand CD, ordered Domino's, saved $28,488. Last night, Barack Obama hosted a dinner with Barbra Streisand singing. It was $28,500 a plate. $28,500 a plate! But, to be fair, that did include an all-you-can-eat salad buffet. That was included. I guess the food was pretty exotic. The main course was roasted pig in a lipstick glaze." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Turned out it was just Ted Kennedy's margarita salt (the love seat)

 

"Today is the 171st birthday of the flush toilet. Or, as Senator Larry Craig calls it, 'the love seat.'" --David Letterman

"The Senate offices were evacuated when they found a suspicious substance. Turned out it was just Ted Kennedy's margarita salt." --David Letterman

 

"Do you know anything about Ann Coulter? She's some kind of commentator or political thing. She goes around yacking and she gets herself into a lot of trouble. She has made some crazy statements about 9/11, and coincidentally Al Gore has produced a new documentary all about Ann Coulter. I believe it's called an 'Inconvenient Bitch.'" --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What are they going to do, cut off our heroin? (which is ironic because that's how I met my wife)

"Because of the scandal Larry Craig had to resign his position on the Mitt Romney campaign. So not much chance of getting his mitts on Romney now. "The arresting officer said their eyes met through the crack in the bathroom stall door, which is ironic because that's how I met my wife." --Jay Leno

"In Utah, polygamy sect leader Warren Jeffs has been convicted. The guy's got 80 wives. 80 wives at the same time. In fact, when Rudy Giuliani heard that, he said, 'Records are made to be broken.'"  --Jay Leno

 

"Police in Fort Wayne, Indiana, arrested a man for allegedly driving three blocks with four young children strapped to the hood of his car. Good to see Mitt Romney spending some time with the family, huh?" –Jay Leno

"It seems the country of Packalies, I mean Pakistan, is threatening to end cooperation with the U.S. What are they going to do, cut off our heroin?" –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He said that he wants to concentrate now on not having to give up his seat in prison (He was horrified to hear that story)

 

"So you gotta be fair. It's not good, some of these girls charged the Eliot Spitzer up to $5,000 an hour. And when he heard that, today Sen. Larry Craig said, 'I would've done the guy for free -- This is more government waste. We can take care of these problems internally.'" --Jay Leno

"John Edwards is continuing his poverty tour around America. Today, he visited a group of people who get their haircut in a place called a 'barber shop.' He was horrified to hear that story." --Jay Leno

 

"Tom DeLay announced he will not seek re-election and is giving up his seat in Congress. He said that he wants to concentrate now on not having to give up his seat in prison." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said he's not going to see the film. He said he did go to see 'Ice Age 2: The Meltdown' so he has all the facts about global warming." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Please wait patiently for the failure of the system (I didn't even know she was Republican)

"I have become such a fan of these Republican debates. There was another one this week. Mitt Romney and Giuliani went at each other. It was like watching a mannequin fight a Halloween costume." --Bill Maher

"And listen to this, in the video Osama bin Laden appears to be wearing a fake beard. That's why Bush can't find him, he is cunningly disguised himself as Osama Bin Laden." --Bill Maher

"They also had a big debate this week, the Democrats. The news out of it was that they were asked, 'Do you think you could get the troops out of Iraq by the end of your first term in 2013?' All the frontrunners said 'no.' No! By 2013!  Barack Obama called it 'the audacity of nope.'" --Bill Maher

 

"All right, enough about Larry Craig. In heterosexual news, the Government Accountability Office says that things are not improving in Iraq, despite what the administration says. They say Iraq has failed to meet 15 of the 18 benchmarks that they said they had to meet. To give you an idea of how pathetic it's going over there, Lindsay Lohan is doing better in rehab. Of course I'm kidding about that now. No, the rumor about her now is that she was caught having doing drugs and having sex in a toilet with a male patient. I didn't even know she was Republican." --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It made it easier to meet goats (Oh, Canada. Oh, oh, Canada!)

"Osama bin Laden has released yet another video. ... Remember he had a gray beard before? In his new video, he has a black beard. A lot of people say the reason he dyed his beard black was it made it easier to meet goats." --Jay Leno

"There were signs that Senator Craig was into this kind of thing, like today his wife said during sex instead of yelling out her name he'd yell 'complete stranger in the stall next to me!'" --Jay Leno

"The hot gossip in Washington is that Condoleezza Rice might have a new boyfriend. Secretary of State Rice is being linked to Canada's Foreign Minister, Peter MacKay. It's gotta be awkward dating a fellow diplomat. Like today, MacKay had to promise Condi he would get permission from the U.N. before he invaded her. Actually, I heard that she was trying to learn the Canadian national anthem. They were alone in a room and she was heard going, 'Oh, Canada. Oh, oh, Canada.'." --Jay Leno

"Things aren't going that well for bin Laden. Intelligence experts say he's lost much of his power over al Qaeda. But it turns out, he got one of the subprime loans years ago. He could lose the cave." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”