Yes, I don't (What Would Jesus Do)

We have got Kevin Bacon on the show tonight! Alexis Bledel is here. She is in "The Handmaid's Tale" with Elisabeth Moss, who was in "Girl Interrupted" with Winona Ryder, who was in "Reality Bites" with Ben Stiller, who was in "Zoolander" with Will Ferrell, who was in "Stepbrothers" with John C. Reilly, who was in "The River Wild" with … Kevin Bacon! --Jimmy Fallon

Former FBI Director James Comey was interviewed on ABC last night, and he said that Trump often changes his story and contradicts himself. In response, Trump said, "Yes, I don't." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well I see your point about the plane, but what about a Hummer (867-5309)

Former FBI director James Comey is being investigated by the Secret Service for posting 8647 on Instagram allegedly code for killing President Trump. He's also being investigated for threatening Jenny by posting 867-5309. —Greg Gutfeld

Hillary Clinton weighed in on the cutter plane gift by tweeting "No one gives someone a $400 million jet for free without expecting anything in return." Well I see your point about the plane, but what about a Hummer. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s like a dream come true (Maybe he is planning to feed Jeb Bush to his dragons)

Meanwhile, in Washington, all eyes were off the court and on Congress for the main event tomorrow. Former FBI Director James Comey will appear before the Senate Intelligence Committee to spill the beans on President Trump, which when you think about it on a human level, is pretty great for James Comey. Can you imagine getting fired and then the next thing you know, you get to trash talk your boss in front of the whole world? It’s like a dream come true. –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump says what they're doing is disgraceful and there should be consequences for it. What consequences? I don't know. Maybe he is planning to feed Jeb Bush to his dragons. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Honestly, I am wasted here (Yes, I don't)

Former FBI Director James Comey was interviewed on ABC last night, and he said that Trump often changes his story and contradicts himself. In response, Trump said, "Yes, I don't." --Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday Newt Gingrich gave a campaign speech at a senior center, scheduled between a Jazzercise class and a Bingo game. That’s when you know you’re in trouble – when your campaign speech is the least exciting thing happening at a senior center." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Unfortunately, it will be the nicknames fans give them (Plus, he’s the state fruit)

According to a report released by the Justice Department's internal watchdog, former FBI director James Comey used a personal Gmail account on numerous occasions to conduct FBI business. And when she heard that, Hillary Clinton punched a wall so hard the building collapsed. --Seth Meyers

Major league baseball has announced that they will allow players to wear nicknames on their jerseys for one weekend this season. Unfortunately, it will be the nicknames fans give them. –Seth Meyers

President Trump will speak in Miami tomorrow. He’ll be comfortable, because he still has strong support in Florida. Plus, he’s the state fruit. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or deleted, whatever is easiest (They Both Suck)

In Utah, a woman pulled out two of her son’s teeth in a Walmart bathroom. Or as that procedure will soon be known, “the Trumpcare dental plan.” –Conan O’Brien

In Massachusetts, a medical marijuana dispensary has begun selling marijuana-infused pizza. Or as that’s known, “one-stop shopping.” –Conan O’Brien

Former FBI Director James Comey did not want to be left alone in a room with Donald Trump. Which is why James Comey was just named an honorary Miss Universe contestant. –Conan O’Brien

Hillary Clinton said yesterday that she would like to see the FBI investigation of her emails wrapped up. Hillary then said, "Or deleted, whatever is easiest." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's the same philosophy that Mitt has in regard to paying taxes (It’s like a dream come true)

Meanwhile, in Washington, all eyes were off the court and on Congress for the main event tomorrow. Former FBI Director James Comey will appear before the Senate Intelligence Committee to spill the beans on President Trump, which when you think about it on a human level, is pretty great for James Comey. Can you imagine getting fired and then the next thing you know, you get to trash talk your boss in front of the whole world? It’s like a dream come true. –Jimmy Kimmel

So because these were uncomfortable conversations, Comey told Attorney General Jeff Sessions he did not want any future direct communication with President Trump. Melania said the same thing, by the way. It didn’t work out for either of them. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney was on 'Live With Kelly and Michael.' At one point Mitt was asked what he wears to bed. He said as little as possible. It's the same philosophy that Mitt has in regard to paying taxes." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Yeah, that sounds like me. Good thinking (The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks)

The co-founder of Home Depot recently announced that he is supporting Donald Trump. He wasn't planning to, but when your colors are orange and white, you kind of have to go with Donald. –Jimmy Fallon

James Comey said that he kept memos of his meetings with Trump because he felt that the president may lie about them. Even Trump was like, “Yeah, that sounds like me. Good thinking.” –Jimmy Fallon

"Here's a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Someone is about to have no king but Caesar (This is brutal!)

After the results came in, Donald Trump gave a big victory speech. He said he couldn’t have done it without the love of his life, his rock, his better half. FBI Director James Comey. –Jimmy Fallon

Last night, the Golden State Warriors beat the Cavaliers by 33 points in Game 2 of the NBA Finals. Yeah, 33 points! Even people switching over from "Game of Thrones" were like, "This is brutal!" –Jimmy Fallon

A new poll found that women in America are angrier about current events than men. And if you want to make them even angrier, just tell them they seem angry. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I would kill for one of those letters (Oh yeah, I remember that bush)

Yesterday, FBI Director James Comey got a letter from President Trump informing him that his services were no longer needed. After hearing this, Melania Trump said, “I would kill for one of those letters.” –Conan O’Brien

After news of the James Comey firing broke last night, Press Secretary Sean Spicer avoided reporters by hiding behind a bush outside the White House. Today, Bill Clinton said, “Oh yeah, I remember that bush.” –Conan O’Brien

Today, President Trump promised to bring back “the spirit and prestige of the FBI.” Trump said, “When I’m arrested, I want to be arrested by the very best.” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

she laughed so hard her pantsuit changed colors (The Worfs)

The Senate today confirmed CIA director Mike Pompeo as secretary of state. President Trump says he's excited, and looks forward to working with him for the next week or so. --Seth Meyers

President Trump said today that he would rather have an election based on the popular vote, and when Hillary Clinton heard that, she laughed so hard her pantsuit changed colors. --Seth Meyers

President Trump in an interview today said former FBI director James Comey didn't write the memos detailing their interactions accurately, but whose memory are you going to trust? The guy who wrote everything down immediately, or the guy who had to name his son Donald Jr. so he wouldn't forget it? --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Inflation Visualized (You do you)

“But after claiming he had total authority over the states, Trump is now allowing governors to decide when to end enforced quarantining. In three days he went from ‘I call the shots’ to ‘You do you.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“President Trump has unveiled a plan to reopen the country. Phase one: open the golf courses. Phase two: open hotels that rhyme with Hump. And number three: all restaurants that serve food in buckets or in the form of nuggets are good to go.” —Jimmy Kimmel

The big news today was the bigly anticipated release of former FBI director James Comey’s book, in which he paints an unflattering portrait of his former boss. The president is said to be furious about this book because it combines the two things he hates most — criticism and reading. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which one’s married to Kanye? (Yes, I don't)

Donald Trump just gave an interview where he appeared to confuse Kim Jong Un with his father, Kim Jong Il. It got worse when Trump was like, “Which one’s married to Kanye?” –Jimmy Fallon

Former FBI Director James Comey was interviewed on ABC last night, and he said that Trump often changes his story and contradicts himself. In response, Trump said, "Yes, I don't." --Jimmy Fallon

Ted Cruz and his wife appeared in a town hall on CNN recently and his wife said that after they got back from their honeymoon, Ted bought 100 cans of Campbell's chunky soup. But to be fair, I feel like anyone who has watched this election is probably stocking up on canned goods. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He spent all day giving himself a massage (it's complicated)

James Comey is promoting his new book “A Higher Loyalty.” Donald Trump is furious about it because it insults his leadership, and because it forced him to read a book. --Jimmy Fallon

Tax Day is tricky for President Trump. Under "filing status," he crossed out “married” and wrote "it's complicated." --Jimmy Fallon

The race for 2020 is already under way, and a new poll found that Bernie Sanders is now leading Joe Biden 29% to 24%. You can tell Biden's stressed. He spent all day giving himself a massage. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even Trump was like, “Yeah, that sounds like me. Good thinking.” (We need new cheers)

"Here's a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks." –Jimmy Fallon

FBI Director James Comey said that he kept memos of his meetings with Trump because he felt that the president may lie about them. Even Trump was like, “Yeah, that sounds like me. Good thinking.” –Jimmy Fallon

"Lawmakers in Jamaica are now considering a bill that would legalize marijuana. Let me repeat myself: Lawmakers in Jamaica are considering a bill to legalize marijuana. In related news, lawmakers in Italy are considering a bill to legalize spaghetti, and lawmakers in Ireland are considering a bill to legalize whiskey." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Spanish scientists say they have discovered the oldest reproduction of Jesus Christ (You lost us at textbook)

"Spanish scientists say they have discovered the oldest reproduction of Jesus Christ. It's a selfie he took with Larry King." –Conan O'Brien 

In Utah, a woman pulled out two of her son’s teeth in a Walmart bathroom. Or as that procedure will soon be known, “the Trumpcare dental plan.” –Conan O’Brien

House Speaker Paul Ryan described Donald Trump’s remarks about a Hispanic judge as a "textbook definition" of racism. When they heard this, Trump supporters said, "You lost us at 'textbook.'" –Conan O’Brien

Former FBI Director James Comey did not want to be left alone in a room with Donald Trump. Which is why James Comey was just named an honorary Miss Universe contestant. –Conan O’Brien

"Today Show" host Savannah Guthrie is skipping the Olympics in Rio because she’s pregnant and worried about the Zika virus. In a related story, Bob Costas just announced he is pregnant. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the governor usually has a prostitute change his clocks (Next stop: Indictment Avenue)

The twist is that the counsel was appointed by Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein. Remember Rosenstein? Last week when the administration was looking for someone to blame for the Comey firing, they tried to throw Rosenstein under the bus — forgetting that as deputy AG, he’s actually the bus DRIVER. Next stop: Indictment Avenue. –Stephen Colbert

"The governor was supposed to give a press conference today at 2:15 pm but a whole hour passed before he spoke. To be fair, it is Daylight Savings time, and the governor usually has a prostitute change his clocks." --Stephen Colbert

 

"I want to make one thing perfectly clear, okay folks, Gov. Spitzer is a friend of the show. That never changes. I've sat next to the guy three times and I didn't pick up on any of this, and I usually have excellent Whore-dar." --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If it gets down to the 20s he might start dating it (Or is he crazy like a fox?)

It’s funny, every time Donald Trump does something like this, people go, “Is he crazy? Or is he crazy like a fox?” Well, I’m here to tell you there’s no fox. It’s just all crazy. –Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump’s approval rating has sunk to near-historic lows. According to a new Quinnipiac poll, his approval rating is down to 36 percent. If it gets down to the 20s he might start dating it. –Jimmy Kimmel

We’re starting with what might be the most shocking episode of “The Celebrity President” yet. President Trump yesterday said adios to James Comey, who was director of the FBI, and also was in charge of investigating his campaign’s relationship with the Russians. He fired the guy who is investigating him. When we said Trump should act more presidential, we probably should have specified we didn’t mean Nixon. –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In a related story, Fox News has finally found its replacement for Bill O’Reilly (Loving, Touching, Squeezing)

Today, Russian President Vladimir Putin said he had nothing to do with the firing of FBI Director James Comey. Putin said, “How could I? He’s still alive, isn’t he?” –Conan O’Brien

Today, President Trump promised to bring back “the spirit and prestige of the FBI.” Trump said, “When I’m arrested, I want to be arrested by the very best.” –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday, Kim Jong Un hurled a series of insults at Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. In a related story, Fox News has finally found its replacement for Bill O’Reilly. –Conan O’Brien

"A group of TSA agents has formed a choir to entertain travelers as they go through security. It's not helping that the only song they sing is Journey's 'Loving, Touching, Squeezing.'" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We've tried nothing and we are all out of ideas (No, you're under arrest for being too sexy)

Trump just gave an interview where he appeared to confuse Kim Jong Un with his father, Kim Jong Il. It got worse when Trump was like, “Which one’s married to Kanye?” –Jimmy Fallon

James Comey is promoting his new book “A Higher Loyalty.” Trump is furious about it because it insults his leadership, and because it forced him to read a book. --Jimmy Fallon

And this isn't good. Down in Florida, a man pretending to be a police officer was arrested after he pulled over an actual undercover cop. It got worse when the fake cop tried to get out of it by pretending to be a stripper. He was like, "No, you're under arrest for being too sexy." --Jimmy Fallon

I'm very excited about this. There's another new episode of "Game of Thrones" this weekend. I read that the show set a record by using 4,000 gallons of fake blood. Even crazier, the previous record holder? "Golden Girls." -Really? --Jimmy Fallon

Trump is hosting Emmanuel Macron. Trump loves Macron because when he speaks English, Trump closes his eyes and pretends it's the candlestick from "Beauty and the Beast." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”