especially if they look exactly like you and keep calling you dad (plus you get the entire playoff season off)

"Arnold Schwarzenegger was on '60 Minutes' promoting his book. He said you can't run from your mistakes. You have to confront them. Yeah, especially if they look exactly like you and keep calling you dad." –Conan O'Brien

There’s a rumor that the Lakers are trying to sign LeBron James. They’re telling him, "The weather in L.A. is great, plus as a Laker, you get the entire playoff season off." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I haven't seen a turd get this polished since Jim Acosta got a facial (medical skeletons)

When 60 Minutes interviewed Kamala Harris nearly all commentary on Foreign Affairs, including on Israel and Iran, were cleaned up. I haven't seen a turd get this polished since Jim Acosta got a facial. —Greg Gutfeld

Meanwhile the Old Guard is fleeing. Andrea Mitchell says she's bailing on MSNBC for better opportunities. And why not, I'm sure there's a science museum somewhere that needs a medical skeleton. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Medical personnel credit his hard shell (mold allergies)

Mitch McConnell is reportedly fine after falling down the stairs. Medical personnel credit his hard shell. —Greg Gutfeld

Daniel Penny has landed a new job in finance at a major firm. They already have a sign up that says if choking do not let Daniel apply the Heimlich. —Greg Gutfeld

CBS has released their full unedited 60 Minute interview with Kamala Harris. Apparently they left out a part where Kamala said she was allergic to mold, which could explain why you rarely saw her standing next to Joe Biden. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In the kid's defense, he did bring enough for everyone (Five or six people is also how Trump describes his kids)

Police in Philadelphia are investigating after a 5-year-old boy walked into his preschool class holding about two dozen vials of crack cocaine. In the kid's defense, he did bring enough for everyone. --Seth Meyers

"60 Minutes" correspondent Morley Safer will formally retire this week after 46 seasons with the show. Safer made his name as a young reporter covering the landmark case of "Asteroid v. Dinosaurs." –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump told the Associated Press yesterday that he had whittled down his list of possible running mates to "five or six people." Five or six people is also how Trump describes his kids. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She’s like the Amelia Earhart of the naked (lots of baton twirling)

During a “60 Minutes” interview, Trump said going forward, he will be “very restrained” on Twitter and Facebook. So, the interview was taped Friday, and then on Sunday — two days later — he went on a tirade against The New York Times on Twitter. But he didn’t use all caps! Baby steps. It’s something, right? Lowercase. –Jimmy Kimmel

The Senate Foreign Relations Committee had a hearing to discuss whether President Trump should continue to have the sole authority to launch a nuclear weapon, or whether his iPad should have some parental controls put on it. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Carrie Prejean is in the news again. She’s the beauty pageant contestant who spoke out against gay marriage. She’s a very family-values-oriented woman who, in her spare time, made a pornographic video tape. She says it is not a sex tape because she’s the only one in it. It’s a solo sex tape. It’s the first female solo sex tape . . . she flies solo. She’s like the Amelia Earhart of the naked. She's trying to downplay the incident. In pageant terms, it was a swim-suit competition minus the swim suit but with a lot of baton twirling." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Yeah, especially if they look exactly like you and keep calling you dad (They call it a hot dog)

"North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un has not appeared in public for weeks. There are rumors he's sick due to too much cheese, fried chicken, and beer. Sounds like someone is applying for American citizenship." –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger was on '60 Minutes' promoting his book. He said you can't run from your mistakes. You have to confront them. Yeah, especially if they look exactly like you and keep calling you dad." –Conan O'Brien

Burger King has begun bottling its own merlot and they call it Whopper Wine. Not to be outdone, 7-Eleven has begun selling a product fermented for six months. They call it a hot dog. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But how will we pay for that? (At least that’s the explanation coming from United Airlines)

President Trump yesterday issued a statement calling for paid family leave. Which is a little surprising until you remember that he’s already paid two families to leave. –Seth Meyers

A 101-year-old man recently became the oldest person to skydive. At least that’s the explanation coming from United Airlines. –Seth Meyers

"60 Minutes" correspondent Morley Safer will formally retire this week after 46 seasons with the show. Safer made his name as a young reporter covering the landmark case of "Asteroid v. Dinosaurs." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And the devil was like, ‘Don't associate me with this.’ (Nothing helps you ease into prison like spending time at LaGuardia)

April 2023

“All over the city, tulips, daffodils, police barricades were blooming. That's right. Today, ahead of his scheduled arraignment, former President Trump flew from Florida to New York and landed at LaGuardia Airport. Yep, he was smart. Nothing helps you ease into prison like spending time at LaGuardia.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yeah, Trump flew from Florida to New York, where he'll soon be arrested. He's basically doing a reverse spring break, if you think about it.” —Jimmy Fallon

“And this is real — Marjorie Taylor Greene's interview on 60 Minutes was watched by 6.66 million people. And the devil was like, ‘Don't associate me with this.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Thirty-four counts against Trump! I mean, if you throw in the other cases that he’s dealing with – the coup attempt, and the classified documents he stole – by the time we get to the primaries next year, Trump will be facing like a thousand criminal charges. Which would be very funny, if we spent all this time waiting for one criminal charge and ended up getting a ton of them all at once. It’s like when you turn on a hose and nothing comes out and you realize you’ve been standing on it, and you take your foot off and you just get blasted in the face.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

To make it up, Biden promised us that he'd give everybody 100 free hours of AOL (Mr. Potato Head’s lost p*nis)

March 2023

“In other news, it’s been a bad couple of weeks for the Fox Fascist & Friends due to the revelations from the defamation lawsuit by Dominion Voting Systems that the network’s executives and anchors privately hated Trump and knowingly endorsed his election lies anyway. The trove of private messages have reportedly angered the network’s news anchors, who worry they will ‘further sully the reputation of the networks ‘straight news’ journalists’. Really? That’s like the people at Taco Bell worrying that the cool ranch and fiery Doritos locos tacos is going to further sully the reputation of their ass-blasting salt pockets. According to one Fox source in the Daily Beast, ‘it’s just a really bad time to be working here’. Yes, unlike the golden age of their journalism: warning us about woke Lego and longing for Mr. Potato Head’s lost penis.” —Stephen Colbert

“Well, guys, the White House just backed a bipartisan Senate bill that would give President Biden the power to ban TikTok. Or, as they're calling it on TikTok, the ‘Trying to Lose the Election Challenge.’ I wouldn't worry just yet. As of now, Biden thinks TikTok is the clock on 60 Minutes. Don't worry. To make it up, Biden promised us that he'd give everybody 100 free hours of AOL.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, especially if they look exactly like you and keep calling you dad (You did good, kid.)

"The presidential debate is on Wednesday. Mitt Romney has been preparing for the debate by debating a Republican senator who plays the part of President Obama. Meanwhile, President Obama has been preparing for Romney by debating an ATM machine." –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger was on '60 Minutes' promoting his book. He said you can't run from your mistakes. You have to confront them. Yeah, especially if they look exactly like you and keep calling you dad." –Conan O'Brien

Ben Carson now holds a 14-point lead over Donald Trump in Iowa. Experts say Carson appeals to Iowa’s conservatives, Iowa’s evangelicals, and both of Iowa’s black people. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

but that is where the similarities end (Thanks a lot, Celine Dion!)

 Just days after legalizing marijuana all across Canada, store owners throughout the country say their supply of weed is almost gone. All of Canada’s weed has been smoked. Thanks a lot, Celine Dion!” --James Corden

During the Detroit Marathon, a pair of runners stopped at the halfway point to get married. Then they continued on with the race. Yeah, nothing says the most romantic day of your life like matching sets of chafed nipples. --James Corden

In a 60 Minutes interview Donald Trump was asked about some very serious foreign policy issues to which he responded, “I’m not a baby! I know these things.” You know. How all president’s respond to tough questions. Trump was like, “Sure I may throw tantrums, communicate mostly in gibberish, and occasionally wet the bed, but that is where the similarities end.” --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

It’s just like pornography – you know it when you see it, and you don’t want it to involve Ron DeSantis (pretend cop running multiple fake companies)

September 2022

“We are celebrating the investigation by a Texas sheriff into the role of the Florida governor, Ron DeSantis, in tricking asylum seekers to board planes from Texas to Martha’s Vineyard. The sheriff, Javier Salazar, called the political stunt an ‘abuse of human rights’ but could not cite specific laws that may have been broken. Yeah, but it’s just like pornography – you know it when you see it, and you don’t want it to involve Ron DeSantis.” —Stephen Colbert

“Joe Biden’s declaration in a 60 Minutes interview this week that the pandemic was over, which marks the first time that Joe Biden has ever moved too fast. The White House has now walked back the comments, saying the president could have been more ‘nuanced’ in stating that the pandemic is now in a different phase. OK, saying something is over is kinda a misleading way to declare a new phase – ‘Carol, it’s over, I can’t date you any more … because I’m asking you to marry me!’” —Stephen Colbert

“There is a close Senate race in Georgia between the incumbent Raphael Warnock, a Democrat, and the Republican candidate, Herschel Walker. Walker, a former football star, who has no political experience or qualifications, but on the bright side, he also lies a lot. To date, Walker has lied on the campaign trail about owning companies that don’t exist, claimed to be in law enforcement when he wasn’t and said he graduated from college, which he did not. Well, that’s understandable. It’s hard to keep up with your coursework when you’re a pretend cop running multiple fake companies.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even the guys on “The Bachelorette” were like, “GROSS!" (Oh my God. What's labor?)

Last night, Donald Trump and Mike Pence actually sat down for a joint interview on “60 Minutes." And Pence said that if he has differences with Trump, he would, quote, “walk into the president's office, close the door, and share my heart." Even the guys on “The Bachelorette” were like, “GROSS!" –Jimmy Fallon

"Kate Middleton went into labor this morning in London. When the rest of the royal family heard, they were like, 'Oh my God. What's labor?'" –Jimmy Fallon

The Republican National Convention started today and Donald Trump spent the past several days preparing his acceptance speech, while Chris Christie spent the past two weeks blowing up balloons. –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I gave birth to a water cooler, Richard! (he only hid it medium well)

Donald Trump told the Associated Press yesterday that he had whittled down his list of possible running mates to "five or six people." Five or six people is also how Trump describes his kids. –Seth Meyers

A woman in Texas broke a hospital record recently after delivering a nearly 15-pound baby. So good luck to her husband on ever complaining about anything again. "Oh, you have a headache? I gave birth to a water cooler, Richard!" --Seth Meyers

"60 Minutes" correspondent Morley Safer will formally retire this week after 46 seasons with the show. Safer made his name as a young reporter covering the landmark case of "Asteroid v. Dinosaurs." –Seth Meyers

Police in Ohio recently arrested a man for allegedly stealing meat from a supermarket after catching him with steak in his pants. The steak was visible, because he only hid it medium well. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Maybe he knows it’s parachutes, or maybe he thinks it’s the two guys from CHiPs? (Platitude Word Salad)

May 2022

“Mark Esper, the former secretary of defense, said Sunday night on 60 Minutes that former President Donald Trump suggested paratroopers begin shooting demonstrators during the George Floyd protests outside of the White House in June 2020. Esper referred to Trump’s request as ‘shocking.’ It’s almost impossible to believe, but in fairness, Trump said the same thing about Eric,” his son.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s also somehow not surprising to me that Trump would specifically request paratroopers, although it also wouldn’t surprise me if he doesn’t know what that word meant. I mean, maybe he knows it’s parachutes, or maybe he thinks it’s the two guys from CHiPs.” —Seth Meyers

“In response to Esper’s interview, Trump told 60 Minutes: ‘This is a complete lie, and 10 witnesses can back it up. Mark Esper was weak and totally ineffective, and because of it, I had to run the military.’ Right, Captain Bone Spurs had to run the military for Mark Esper. And we know that’s a lie because unlike everything else he ran, the military didn’t go bankrupt on his watch.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Rudy Giuliani, Trump’s former personal lawyer, is backing out of an interview with the House January 6th committee at the last minute because he wanted to record it himself. “Why does he want to record the interview? Is he worried they’re going cut it together to make it sound bad? That’s what his brain already does to his mouth. Why do guys like Rudy always have some weird angle? Like thinking they’re some genius chess master calling their bluff by asking to record the meeting. But anytime Rudy has ever been recorded, it’s been bad for him. Giuliani, for instance, has been recorded calling a senator on the day of the insurrection to overturn the election results, and butt-dialing a reporter while discussing his need for cash. Rudy records himself saying incriminating things all the time. Before he talks to anyone, he should pat himself down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They said it's all part of their plan to sell zero magazines (And I don't own a cape)

"Yesterday at a campaign fundraiser, Hillary Clinton criticized Vice President Cheney and called him 'Darth Vader.' Cheney denied it and said, 'Darth Vader is evil, half-machine and always wears a cape. And I don't own a cape.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Radar magazine is causing a big controversy because the cover of their November issue features a doctored photo of a partially dressed Rudy Giuliani and a totally nude Hillary Clinton. Radar says it's all part of their plan to sell zero magazines." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday on '60 Minutes,' French President Nicolas Sarkozy got up and left in the middle of an interview. He just got up and stormed out. The citizens of France say their president acted rudely, and they've never been prouder." --Conan O'Brien

"Among the top Google searches of 2014 were Ebola and the movie 'Frozen.' One leaves you with something highly infectious that's impossible to get out of your system. The other is Ebola." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it's all part of their plan to sell zero magazines (just one of those things I guess)

"I do, I like that John McCain, he looks like a guy who waits

all day for the mail to come. He looks like a guy who's dating

your mom. He looks like one of those guys who calls the

waitress 'Toots.'" --David Letterman

"Radar magazine is causing a big controversy because the

cover of their November issue features a doctored photo

of a partially dressed Rudy Giuliani and a totally nude

Hillary Clinton. Radar says it's all part of their plan to

sell zero magazines." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday on '60 Minutes,' French President Nicolas

Sarkozy got up and left in the middle of an interview.

He just got up and stormed out. The citizens of France

say their president acted rudely, and they've never been

prouder." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday at a campaign fundraiser, Hillary Clinton

criticized Vice President Cheney and called him 'Darth

Vader.' Cheney denied it and said, 'Darth Vader is evil,

half-machine and always wears a cape. And I don't own

a cape.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wilt Chamberlain had sex with more people than that (You're doing a heck of a job, brownie)

November 2013

"This week we found out how many people have signed up for Obamacare on the federal website. Out of 15 million uninsured, they signed up 26,794. To give you an idea, Wilt Chamberlain had sex with more people than that." –Bill Maher

"This was kind of tough week for liberals. First the 60 Minutes thing, they were bullsh*tting, and then Obama had to eat crow on Obamacare. I just want you liberals to know, you still have NPR, Whole Foods, and gay sex, so everything is not lost." –Bill Maher

"How f***ing hard is it to get a website to work? People keep trying to sign up; four hours later they're on the seventh level of Candy Crush." –Bill Maher on the Obamacare website

"That is the difference between Democrats and Republicans. When Republicans shut down the government, it's on purpose." –Bill Maher

"For most Americans, Obamacare is a lot of like sex. You do it online, it's incredibly frustrating and the idea of anyone getting it makes Republicans insane." –Bill Maher

"Michele Bachmann claims that she has lost her healthcare plan. She said, 'I have a husband with very significant health issues.' She said, 'At some point we're going to have to figure it out.' Girlfriend, there's a lot about your husband you're going to have to figure out. Healthcare is the last of your worries." –Bill Maher

"The New York Times is calling this Obama's Katrina. Which of course is great for George Bush. He loves this. He called up Obama today and said, 'You're doing a heck of a job, brownie.'" –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We have no healthcare, but we have bacon-scented deodorant (That's great if you're dating the governor of New Jersey)

November 2013

"A pharmaceutical company has developed a deodorant that is bacon scented. We have no healthcare, but we have bacon-scented deodorant." –David Letterman

"Do you know who's going to the Vatican for a meeting with Pope Francis? Evil dictator Vladimir Putin. The Pope better be careful because I bet you anything Putin is going to try and steal his ring." –David Letterman

"60 Minutes had a story that turned out not to be true about Benghazi. They had to apologize. And then today they were embarrassed again. It turns out the stopwatch on '60 Minutes' is not accurate." –David Letterman

"A company is now selling bacon-scented deodorant. That's great if you're dating the governor of New Jersey." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”