Do you remember our last president who spent his entire professional life in government? (The government is like a box of chocolates)

President Trump made some comments at a rally for his supporters about groceries. Trump, “What about that old fashioned term groceries. It's an old fashioned term that we use, groceries. I used it on the campaign, it's such an old fashioned term but a beautiful term, groceries. It sort of says a bag with different things in it.” Yeah, it's a bag with different things in it. That's how they describe Joy Behar’s CAT scan. —Greg Gutfeld

Do you remember our last president who spent his entire professional life in government? He doesn’t. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, when I said I'm pro-life, I meant I'm pro-MY-life (In other words, it could be anybody)

It’s come out that Donald Trump once rented an office to an Iranian bank that was later accused of terrorism. Today, Trump said, "How was I supposed to know that something wasn’t right with Jihadi Joe’s Savings and Loan?" –Conan O’Brien

In Pennsylvania, a pro-life republican congressman is accused of asking his mistress to get an abortion so his wife wouldn't find out about his affair. He defended himself saying, "Hey, when I said I'm pro-life, I meant I'm pro-MY-life." –Conan O’Brien

It’s rumored that Donald Trump’s tax returns were leaked by one of Trump’s ex-wives. In other words, it could be anybody. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you (I never wished for rain more in my entire life)

AC/DC has a new lead singer. Axle Rose will replace Brian Johnson. At 54-years-old, he will be the youngest member of the group. They are still on a “Highway to Hell,” but they're in the far right lane. –Jimmy Kimmel

Congress was back in session after a five-week summer break. They have until September 30 to pass a budget to ensure that the government stays up and running, or else they will be forced to, well, I guess go back on vacation. –Jimmy Kimmel

"At the St. Louis Zoo, Newt Gingrich got too close to one of the animals and was bit on the hand by a penguin. If you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The government is like a box of chocolates (huffing the drapes)

Nintendo recently announced that its character Mario is no longer a plumber. Apparently, he was fired after coming to work on mushrooms. –Seth Meyers

According to a new report, some upscale hotels are now offering cannabis-infused room service items to maximize relaxation for guests. Or you could just go to any Days Inn and huff the drapes. --Seth Meyers

At a rally in Florida last night, President Trump falsely claimed that a photo ID is required to buy groceries in the United States. Dude, what are you eating for dinner? Rental cars? --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Which is probably the nicest way to ask him if he plans on being alive in three years (Her delicious, delicious children)

A woman in Utah survived after her SUV got stuck in the snow and mud for nearly a week. The woman said she couldn’t have made it without her children. Her delicious, delicious children. --Michael Che, SNL

In a recent study, scientists created 3-D scans of dolphin vaginas and found that a dolphin’s clitorus is remarkably similar to a human woman’s. Said the night janitor at SeaWorld, “Well, I could have told you that.” --Michael Che, SNL

At the press conference President Biden was asked if he plans to run for re-election in 2024. Which is probably the nicest way to ask him if he plans on being alive in three years. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s going to take a lot of reverse mortgage ads to pay that one off (selling ad space on Tucker Carlson’s forehead)

April 2023

“It’s going to take a lot of reverse mortgage ads to pay that one off.” —Jimmy Kimmel on Fox’s $800 Million Dominion settlement

“Immediately after the settlement, Fox issued a statement that said, ‘This settlement reflects Fox’s commitment to the highest journalistic standards.’ They’re already lying in their statement about lying.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s a fitting lesson for the world from the American justice system. Yes, it is — there’s a price to pay for lying to the American people, and if you can afford that price, go for it!” —James Corden

“Fox News has to pay Dominion nearly $800 million. It’s so much money, they’ve already started selling ad space on Tucker Carlson’s forehead.” —James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Floridians are being asked to take shelter in their meth labs (what happens when the president runs out of McNuggets)

“The governor of Florida today issued a long-overdue, statewide stay-at-home order. Floridians are being asked to take shelter in their meth labs.” — Jimmy Kimmel

We are all in very good hands if there's an earthquake tonight because Dwayne Johnson is here. The Rock is promoting a new movie called "Rampage," which is based on either the classic video game or what happens when the president runs out of McNuggets. --Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump officially declared the month of April to be National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. At this point he's just messing with us, right? He might as well declare it National Bankrupt Casino Awareness Month. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Somehow Giuliani went from the Mayor of 9/11 to the 9/11 of Mayors (Singles Day)

What the hell happened to Rudy Giuliani? I’m a New Yorker.

I remember Giuliani coming out on TV during 9/11, so calm

and measured and he told us not to worry. And now I watch

him on TV and I’m like, wait, did this guy even understand

what was going on then or was he like Forrest Gump in

Vietnam? Somehow Giuliani went from the Mayor of 9/11

to the 9/11 of Mayors. --Michael Che, SNL

During the Chinese shopping holiday known as Singles Day which celebrates people who are single, shoppers spent $1 Billion dollars in the first 60 seconds. Consequently, blowing a big wad in the first 60 seconds are why many of them are single in the first place. --Michael Che

Lawmakers in Boston are considering a new law that would make it illegal to call someone a bitch. Unless, of course, that person is wearing a Yankees hat. --Michael Che, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Unless, of course, that person is wearing a Yankees hat (We Said No Horny!)

Lawmakers in Boston are considering a new law that would make it illegal to call someone a bitch. Unless, of course, that person is wearing a Yankees hat. --Michael Che, SNL

An art student in Norway has trained her pet rat to make tiny paintings with his feet. Critics call the paintings bad, even by rat standards. --Colin Jost, SNL

What the hell happened to Rudy Giuliani? I’m a New Yorker. I remember Giuliani coming out on TV during 9/11, so calm and measured and he told us not to worry. And now I watch him on TV and I’m like, wait, did this guy even understand what was going on then or was he like Forrest Gump in Vietnam? Somehow Giuliani went from the Mayor of 9/11 to the 9/11 of Mayors. --Michael Che, SNL

A new poll shows that the best known Supreme Court justice is now Brett Kavanaugh. Sort of the same way that the best known sandwich mascot is Jared Fogle. --Colin Jost, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even the guys on “The Bachelorette” were like, “GROSS!" (Oh my God. What's labor?)

Last night, Donald Trump and Mike Pence actually sat down for a joint interview on “60 Minutes." And Pence said that if he has differences with Trump, he would, quote, “walk into the president's office, close the door, and share my heart." Even the guys on “The Bachelorette” were like, “GROSS!" –Jimmy Fallon

"Kate Middleton went into labor this morning in London. When the rest of the royal family heard, they were like, 'Oh my God. What's labor?'" –Jimmy Fallon

The Republican National Convention started today and Donald Trump spent the past several days preparing his acceptance speech, while Chris Christie spent the past two weeks blowing up balloons. –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was the first time umpires were trying to get themselves thrown out (Dr. Fauci bobblehead)

April 2021

“Despite warnings from health experts, the Texas Rangers had a full crowd of more than 38,000 people for their home opener. Yeah, when they walked in all of the fans got a Dr. Fauci bobblehead that only shook its head ‘no.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“You know how they kept the virus away? They did the wave and they just fanned it all the way to Arkansas.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“They just couldn’t wait to pee in a trough again.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“It was a strange game. It was the first time umpires were trying to get themselves thrown out.” —Jimmy Fallon

“For those keeping score, the Rangers lost 6-2. So you can understand why the fans were excited: They only have 80 more chances this season to see the Rangers lose at home.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Fool me twice, shame on me (the 9/11 of Mayors)

Lawmakers in Boston are considering a new law that would make it illegal to call someone a bitch. Unless, of course, that person is wearing a Yankees hat. --Michael Che, SNL

To celebrate the 400th anniversary of The Mayflower, a solar-powered boat will cross the Atlantic. Personally, I am not celebrating any boat that crossed the Atlantic 400 years ago. Fool me twice, shame on me. --Michael Che, SNL

What the hell happened to Rudy Giuliani? I’m a New Yorker. I remember Giuliani coming out on TV during 9/11, so calm and measured and he told us not to worry. And now I watch him on TV and I’m like, wait, did this guy even understand what was going on then or was he like Forrest Gump in Vietnam? Somehow Giuliani went from the Mayor of 9/11 to the 9/11 of Mayors. --Michael Che, SNL

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

They are senators, not Forrest Gump (Go Congress, go!)

This morning Donald Trump tweeted urging Congress to pass his tax reform plan. Here's what he wrote. He wrote, "With Irma and Harvey devastation, tax cuts and tax reform is needed more than ever before. Go Congress, go!" Go Congress! Who does he think he's talking to? They are senators, not Forrest Gump. –James Corden

In another tweet, Trump added "Move fast, Congress." Now how can you tell Congress to move fast when the Senate majority leader is literally a tortoise? [Shows picture of Mitch McConnell] –James Corden

      

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #FeeltheBern #repealreplacerepublicans

Tom Hanks is here tonight to tell us about his movie Sully (box of chocolates)

Much of the criticism stemmed from Lauer not pressing Trump when he lied or didn't answer questions. My question is, how did Matt Lauer even end up with this job? Was there a conversation at NBC like, “You know who would be great for the presidential forum?” And they were like, “Oh, the guy on ‘The Today Show’ who excitedly announces they're now making pumpkin spice marshmallows.” –James Corden

Tom Hanks is here tonight to tell us about his movie "Sully," a story about a group of Somali pirates who hijack Tom's plane and threaten his life with a box of chocolates or something like that. –Jimmy Kimmel

Matt Lauer interviewed Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton back-to-back in front of a crowd of American veterans. The winner, the leader who came off strongest and best last night, was Vladimir Putin. –Jimmy Kimmel