I'm lean and I'm mean and I'm King of the Jungle! (Screw you! I've been sick!)

A lion walks up to a zebra and says,

"Hey zebra! You are a ridiculous looking animal!

You're black, you're white, you're half mule

and half donkey.

Look at me. I'm lean and I'm mean.

I'm King of the Jungle!"

The zebra shrugs off the insult and walks on...

The lion then comes upon a giraffe and says,

"Hey, giraffe! You are a ridiculous looking animal!

You gotta long neck and tiny antlers on the top

of your head!

Look at me. I'm lean and I'm mean.

I'm King of the Jungle!"

Finally, the lion comes upon a frog and says,

"Hey, frog! You are a ridiculous looking animal!

You're green and you're slimy.."

Before the lion could finish his next sentence

the frog says,

"Screw you! I've been sick!"

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’ve been asking for a pan since 1916 (Geoffrey's Toy Box)

This month, the world’s oldest person will turn 117, and she says she eats two raw eggs every day. When asked what she wants for her birthday, she said, “A skillet. I’ve been asking for a pan since 1916.” –Jimmy Fallon

I read that Toys"R"Us may be relaunching as a new store, called "Geoffrey's Toy Box." I guess executives were like, "How can we make ourselves sound more like a male strip club?" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, congrats, general. When are you due? (slide into an ex’s DMs)

Secretary of War Pete Hegseth addressed senior military leaders at a summit on Tuesday. But you know, I’m sure if the secretary is going to gather all the generals, some of them from active war zones, then he must have something very important he wants to tell them. Listen, we all do weird things when we’re drunk, OK? Some of us slide into an ex’s DMs, and some of us call every U.S. general to a meeting at Quantico. — Ronny Chieng

During his address, Hegseth lectured the audience about the importance of proper athleticism and grooming standards, saying, “It’s tiring to look out at combat formations, or really any formation, and see fat troops. Likewise, it’s completely unacceptable to see fat generals and admirals in the halls of the Pentagon.” That’s what you dragged all these generals in for? To tell them they’re fat? Couldn’t you just leave passive aggressive comments on their Instagram? Like, ‘Hey, congrats, general. When are you due?’ — Ronny Chieng

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don't know that that was the kind of dream Dr. King had in mind (as goes Guam so goes the election)

President Clinton had an embarrassing moment too. Between campaigning for his wife Hillary and pretending to have work to do to avoid going to bed with her, he is exhausted. He was supposed to be listening to Martin Luther King, III [on screen: Bill Clinton falling asleep]. I don't know that that was the kind of dream Dr. King had in mind initially." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Kim Kardashian is here tonight because she has a new book out. It's called 'Selfish.' It is 400 pages of pictures she took of herself. You know how you can't judge a book by its cover? This one you can." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, there are caucuses tomorrow in Wyoming and Guam, and, of course, as goes Guam so goes the election, so this is really very important." --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Get that s*** under control (the climactic softball game in the Home Depot parking lot)

Disney spent a quarter of a billion dollars on their lesbian version of Star Wars, which flopped. Evidently, fans weren't impressed by the climactic softball game in the Home Depot parking lot. —Greg Gutfeld

In California, a single woman is renting billboard space to advertise herself to potential husbands. Marriage experts say it's a great way to find a wife who knows how to waste money. —Greg Gutfeld

A 13-year-old boy reportedly survived a 720 mile flight hiding in a plane's landing gear. After hearing the news, a Spirit Airlines executive said, "I wonder how much we can charge for that.” —Greg Gutfeld

Congresswoman Pramila Jayapal continued to call ICE terrorists and accuse them of kidnapping. As a child, she had no worries about kidnapping since she was often mistaken for a bag of nickels. —Greg Gutfeld

Pregnant women have been posting videos of themselves taking Tylenol after Trump said there's a link between the pain reliever and autism. Wow. I hope Trump will link autism with doing the dishes. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

highly doable condition (noodle package)

No one was hurt, everyone’s fine, but over the weekend, Leonardo DiCaprio and his model girlfriend were in a fender bender. DiCaprio and his girlfriend are being listed in highly doable condition. –Conan O’Brien

It’s been reported that the biggest currency in prison now is not cigarettes, but ramen. Just make sure to clarify the next time your cellmate asks to hold your noodle package. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

He followed that up of course with his latest hit, Do You Think I'm Breathing? (cross it deliberately)

Today is the last day of Pride Month. Thank God. Now I can go back to banging chicks. —Greg Gutfeld

80-year-old Rod Stewart performed at the Glastonbury Music Festival with a rousing rendition of Do You Think I’m Sexy? He followed that up of course with his latest hit, Do You Think I'm Breathing? —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You think I wished for a 10 inch pianist? (hippie wishing stone)

A businessman is drinking alone at a bar. A gentleman pulls up at the stool next

to him, places a large briefcase on the bar, and orders a double.

The two men chat as they drink and, as they approach the bottoms of their glasses, the gentleman says, "Say, I've got a deal for you. I'll bet you $100 that I've got a tiny piano player in this bag that can pound out a Mozart sonata.”

The businessman laughs. "I'll take that bet!"

The two men pull hundred dollar bills from their wallets and slap them on the bar. The gentleman opens his bag and, lo and behold, there IS a tiny grand piano inside. At it sits a tiny piano player, who nods to the gentleman before launching into a beautiful Mozart sonata.

“Extraordinary!" says the businessman. "Where in the world did you get that little guy?"

The gentleman smirks and places a round black stone on the bar. "An old woman gave me this hippie wishing stone. Give it a try if you want."

The businessman touches the stone and says, "I wish for a million bucks!"

Suddenly there's a deafening quacking as ducks begin to stream through the bar door.

“Hey, I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

The gentleman shrugs, "You think I wished for a 10 inch pianist?"

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Greatest. Bouncy House. EVER. (nah, not feeling it)

Strong winds in California recently caused a bouncy house with a child in it to be blown from a backyard and onto a nearby highway. Authorities say the child is OK, and the child said, “Greatest. Bouncy House. EVER.” --Seth Meyers

President Trump this weekend retweeted a post suggesting that he have two years added to his term in order to make up for the time taken up by the Russia investigation, and to make up for the time he's spent playing golf, he'll need at least an additional decade. --Seth Meyers

Police in Ohio recently arrested a man for allegedly stealing meat from a supermarket after catching him with steak in his pants. The steak was visible, because he only hid it medium well. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We need it for our bongs (My Bad)

Here in California, we are in the middle of a very serious drought. Our governor imposed permanent water conservation rules and said this drought might not ever end. Well, not with that attitude, it won't. Water is a precious resource in California. We need it for our bongs. –Jimmy Kimmel

"The title of Bush's memoir is 'Decision Points." It narrowly edged out his original title, which was 'My Bad.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Elon Musk is calling it fake news (dolls)

Khloe Kardashian's disgusted that her ex-boyfriend owns a sex doll that looks like her. Meanwhile the sex doll is disgusted because people say she looks like Khloe Kardashian. —Greg Gutfeld

According to a new study the number of women in the US choosing not to have kids has doubled within the last two decades. Elon Musk is calling it fake news. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Betterluck Jonathan (Art thou up?)

“Nigeria just held their election and their incumbent president, whose actual name is Goodluck Jonathan, lost the race. He was beaten by his rival, Betterluck Jonathan.” —Conan O’Brien

There's a new app that turns your texts into lines from Shakespeare. The most popular one used for booty calls is, "Art thou up?" –Conan O’Brien

The IRS has introduced new technology allowing you to pay your taxes at a 7-Eleven. So just imagine: You can now declare your earnings from 2015 while eating a hot dog from 2005. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, sorry to sour the vibe (I call coin/three thirds)

The markets had a brief upturn on Tuesday, when rumors circulated that Trump may back down from his trade war. Asked by reporters if he would back down or if the tariffs were permanent, Trump answered paradoxically: “It could both be true.” No, you can’t say it’s temporary and it’s permanent. That’s like being asked to call heads or tails and saying ‘I call coin.’ —Stephen Colbert

And according to a new analysis by the Washington Post, Trump has spent one-third of his days in office at his golf courses. And I think we might be better off if we could somehow get that up to three thirds. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The kids are taking it pretty hard (gum)

Scientists have created a gum that traps the herpes virus. But doctors say the hard part will be getting the gum out of the pubic hair. —Greg Gutfeld

According to a new study having a pet boosts well-being as much as having a spouse. It's true, and you can bury both in the backyard. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Do you remember our last president who spent his entire professional life in government? (The government is like a box of chocolates)

President Trump made some comments at a rally for his supporters about groceries. Trump, “What about that old fashioned term groceries. It's an old fashioned term that we use, groceries. I used it on the campaign, it's such an old fashioned term but a beautiful term, groceries. It sort of says a bag with different things in it.” Yeah, it's a bag with different things in it. That's how they describe Joy Behar’s CAT scan. —Greg Gutfeld

Do you remember our last president who spent his entire professional life in government? He doesn’t. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Lies the rich and corporations tell (one hot chick at a time)

The FBI put a gag order about Hunter Biden's laptop to prevent agents from revealing the truth. Coincidentally Gag Order was the name of most of the videos on Hunter's laptop. By the way Hunter willfully gave up his law license. This makes sense. You want a lawyer who cracks open his briefcase not opens his briefcase for crack. —Greg Gutfeld

Our current press built half the Manhattan skyline and without those buildings where could the left protest. Then we got the world’s richest guy, who also rescues astronauts and helps the paralyzed walk and other stuff that I do on the weekends. He's even tackling the decline in the world's population one hot chick at a time. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, someone better keep her away from Nathan’s Hot Dogs (You may be high...)

Drew Barrymore says Mr Clean makes her uncomfortable cuz he's so sexual. Wow, Mr Clean makes her horny? Well, someone better keep her away from Nathan’s Hot Dogs, huh? —Greg Gutfeld

A Pennsylvania town painted curved road lines down a residential street to curb reckless driving. Although Kamala Harris felt perfectly at home. —Greg Gutfeld

Pete Hegseth has ordered that the standards be the same for both men and women in combat. Meaning men will now have to bring a sweater in case it gets cold. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”