Newly released documents show Jeffrey Epstein ended his friendship with Bill Clinton because he thought the former president was a liar. Especially the time he said, “My wife will never murder you.” —Greg Gutfeld
Joy Behar was absent from back-to- back episodes of The View after injuring her foot. But don't worry, she's fine now after an emergency visit to her blacksmith. —Greg Gutfeld
Amazon has introduced a new facial recognition technology, and it seems like there might be a few bugs because when they recently tested the software on the faces of members of Congress, the program identified 28 of them as convicted criminals. So, it works. --James Corden
A man in New Jersey passed away on Tuesday and it became clear that he was cheating on his wife when two obituaries, one by his spouse and the other by his girlfriend, appeared in the local paper, one above the other. I don't know what he died from, but I'm guessing it was from exhaustion. –James Corden
"Actually, when the voting is done to elect a new Pope, the cardinals burn their ballots. People wait outside the Sistine Chapel to see what color the smoke is. If it's white smoke, they've agreed on a Pope. If it's black smoke, no decision's been made. If it's green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel." –Craig Ferguson
"People sometimes forget that George Washington was very rich, had a pony tail, and grew hemp on his farm. He was America's original Willie Nelson." –Craig Ferguson
"The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney's horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today, which is a shame because if there's one thing that family needs, it's more gold." –Conan O'Brien
"A former U.S. Olympic swimmer in an interview said that nearly all elite competitive swimmers pee in the pool regularly. So apparently I am an elite competitive swimmer." –Conan O'Brien
"Mitt Romney is claiming he’s going to create 12 million jobs in his first term. But he hasn’t said yet if he’ll create them in China or India.” –Conan O'Brien
“All over the city,tulips, daffodils, police barricades were blooming. That's right. Today, ahead of his scheduled arraignment, former President Trump flew from Florida to New Yorkand landed at LaGuardia Airport. Yep, he was smart. Nothing helps you ease into prisonlike spending time at LaGuardia.” —Jimmy Fallon
“Yeah, Trump flew from Florida to New York, where he'll soon be arrested. He's basically doing a reverse spring break, if you think about it.” —Jimmy Fallon
“And this is real — Marjorie Taylor Greene's interview on 60 Minutes was watched by 6.66 million people. And the devil was like, ‘Don't associate me with this.’” —Jimmy Fallon
“Thirty-four counts against Trump! I mean, if you throw in the other cases that he’s dealing with – the coup attempt, and the classified documents he stole – by the time we get to the primaries next year, Trump will be facing like a thousand criminal charges. Which would be very funny, if we spent all this time waiting for one criminal charge and ended up getting a ton of them all at once. It’s like when you turn on a hose and nothing comes out and you realize you’ve been standing on it, and you take your foot off and you just get blasted in the face.” —Seth Meyers
Batman turns 80 years old this month which explains his new arch nemesis, Jamaican nurse. --Colin Jost, SNL
A new survey lists the best city to live in in America is Boise, Idaho. While the worst city was once again Rat Orgy, Delaware. --Colin Jost, SNL
Michael Cohen also said that Donald Trump inflated his net worth by 4 Billion dollars in order to buy the Buffalo Bills. You lied to buy the Buffalo Bills? That’s like using a fake ID to get into a Nickelback concert. --Colin Jost, SNL
This week President Trump met with North Korean dictator, and let’s face it, one of his top five closest friends, Kim Jong Un. Talks broke down when the two leaders could not agree on sanctions. Another problem was Kim Jong Un used an interpreter while Trump just spoke English, but louder. --Colin Jost, SNL
"Amazon announced plans for an amazing service called Amazon Prime Air. When you order something from Amazon that weighs five pounds or less, a robot will drop your package on your doorstep. It's all part of Amazon's pledge to drive your dog insane." –Jimmy Kimmel
"You know in some countries seeing an unmanned drone means your village is about to be destroyed. In America it means you ordered Mad Men on Blu-ray." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Only about 50,000 people can use the Obamacare website at a time. Why can only 50,000 people use a government website without crashing it, but 4 million people can watch a kitten try to get its head out of a bag, no problem?" –Jimmy Kimmel
"Some people got through the Obamacare process only to discover they had inadvertently joined the Navy. They ship out next week." –Jimmy Kimmel
“On Tuesday night, the House voted to hold Mark Meadows, who served as chief of staff to former President Donald J. Trump, in criminal contempt for refusing to cooperate with its investigation into the Jan. 6 attack on the Capitol. Yes, hell yes! Criminal contempt — and the rest of us can just keep holding him in regular contempt.” —Stephen Colbert
“The consequences are severe. Meadows could be sentenced to a year in prison, or even worse, another month working for Trump.” —Jimmy Fallon
“Of course, Meadows needs a good lawyer, so the first thing he did was pull up Rudy Giuliani’s number and delete it.” —Jimmy Fallon
“These messages have the ring of unfiltered truth because they’re taken from Mark Meadows’ two personal phones — and nothing says ‘innocent’ like a second cellphone.” —Stephen Colbert
“Several lawmakers publicly asked Gov. Andrew Cuomo, Democrat of New York, to resign after six women accused him of sexual misconduct. Cuomo is the only person who wishes it was still 2020.” —Trevor Noah
“Bullying and groping women, a ‘Mad Men’ office culture and pushing women to wear dresses and heels? I mean it sounds like Cuomo basically thought of himself like a bouncer outside a nightclub, which is convenient for him, because that might be his job in a couple of months.” —Trevor Noah
“And practically every day now there are more and more accusations piling up. It’s getting so bad that he’s going to have to bring back his PowerPoint slides just to track the harassment claims.” —Trevor Noah
"The beautiful star of the TV show 'Mad Men,' January Jones, is pregnant but she will not reveal who the father is. To which John Edwards said, 'Why can't I meet women like this?'" –Jay Leno
"Delta Airlines has a new slogan, 'Come fly the greedy skies.' This is unbelievable; Delta Airlines is in trouble now after they charged our U.S. soldiers coming back from Afghanistan $2,800 because they had extra baggage. If the TSA isn't grabbing your ass, delta's grabbing your wallet. It's unbelievable." –Jay Leno
"A new study found that being bored can be good for your brain. Which explains that new campaign slogan, 'Mitt Romney: I'm Good For Your Brain.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"A woman in Florida called 911 after she found a bear swimming in her backyard pool. That's right, there was a bear in the water. Or as Sarah Palin calls that, 'soup.'" –Jimmy Fallon
David Letterman's "Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Becoming a TSA Agent"
10. "Do I need a degree in groping?"
9. "Am I only doing this for the sweet TSA uniform?"
8. "If I find explosive underpants, may I keep them?"
7. "Will I enjoy being cursed at 40 hours a week for minimum wage?"
6. "If I find explosive underpants, may I keep them?" That was No. 8. Who checks these things anyway?
5. "Should I practice by frisking people on the street?"
4. "In five years, whose pants do I see my hands in?"
3. "Do I really want to know what a fat guy's thighs feel like?"
2. "May I frisk myself?"
1. "What's the closest airport to Shakira's house?”
"The East Coast is suffering from a terrible heat wave. Wall Street bankers are jumping out of windows just for the cool breeze on the way down." –Jay Leno
"Queen Elizabeth is visiting New York City for the first time since 1976. I understand she's trying to help them recruit LeBron James." –Jay Leno
"Back in 1776, Americans were fighting to escape British rule, these days we're fighting to escape British oil." –Jay Leno
"Iran has banned the mullet. Today, the state of Kentucky broke off all diplomatic relations with Iran." –Jay Leno
"The Chinese president, President Hu, visited the White House. He received a 21-gun salute although Cheney said it was just an accident." --Jay Leno
"The latest in Iraq: the government has ceased to function. It's kind of like the Bush White House, but with more oil." --Jay Leno
"But not all the generals are against him. He still has the support of a lot of generals: General Electric, General Dynamics, General Motors." --Jay Leno, on generals calling for Donald Rumsfeld's resignation
"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has called for universal health care coverage for all Californians. He came up with this idea while falling down a hill in Idaho and breaking his leg." --Jay Leno
"The U.S. submarine Newport News collided with a Japanese oil tanker in the Straits of Hormuz. When President Bush heard about it, the president called immediately to make sure the oil was okay." --Jay Leno
"President Bush addressed the nation with his new Iraq plan in a live speech broadcast from the White House library. Or as President Bush calls it, 'My books-on-tape room.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Also, during his speech Bush revealed his plan for phased withdrawal of Rosie O'Donnell from 'The View.'" --David Letterman
Tensions with North Korea
continue to rise. And you can tell Trump’s nervous because he’s been wearing a
“Make America Great Again” helmet. –Jimmy Fallon
I read that the U.S. has a
plan to launch a cyberattack on North Korea. It’s pretty serious. They say it
could affect both of North Korea’s computers. –Jimmy Fallon
I have been working on a
paper for the Education Market.
The paper talks about using
video games as a teaching tool for
children with learning
disabilities.
The age demographic would be
10 to 18. Games could be up to the teacher or student to chose. Games might
include soccer, football, basketball, etc.
Students could learn about
various historical or fictional characters and create them as players for their
team. It would allow the student to study history, philosophy, religion,
sports, popular culture, etc. and then create the characters to be a part of
their team. The students would even be able to play along side their created
characters.
In this example I used PS4
Madden 17. On some of the teams historical figures like Martin Luther King, and
Abraham Lincoln will play on the same team with authors like Ernest Hemingway
and William Shakespeare, or Elvis Presley and Tupac Shakur.
The process is meant to be a
simple and fun way for kids to learn.
Maybe PS4/XBOX machines might
be donated or discounted to schools for these classes.
More on the paper as it is
fleshed out. Enjoy the simulations.
On the Indianapolis Colts
Offensive Line
LT Paul McCartney,
musician The Beatles
LG Jesus, some folks
Lord and Savior
C Charles Bukowski,
poet
RG God
RT John Lennon,
musician The Beatles
More Colts players include
Martin Luther King, Stephen
Hawking, Albert Einstein,
Muddy Waters, Winston
Churchill, Nelson Mandela
even characters from Star
Trek
Jeanluc Picard, Cmndr Worf,
Cmdr Data, James Kirk,
Mr Spock, Jonathan Archer,
Cmdr Tuvok, Geordi LaForge
Ben Sisko
and fictional characters
Jack Bauer, 24, played by
Keifer Sutherland
Nate Fisher, Six Feet Under,
played by Peter Krause
Also for sentimental reasons,
some fallen friends are on this team. Semper Fi. May you rest in peace.
San Francisco 49ers
Fantasy Roster
Offense
QB Joe Montana, NFL
HB Miles Davis,
musician
HB Roger Craig, NFL
HB Hugh McElhenny, NFL
FB Butch Coolidge, Pulp
Fiction, played by Bruce Willis
WR Jerry Rice, NFL
WR Bernie Sanders, US
Senator, Vermont
WR Tyrion Lannister,
Game of Thrones, played by Peter Dinklage
WR John Taylor, NFL
WR Dwight Clark, NFL
WR Duke Ellington,
musician
WR Charlie Parker,
musician
TE Russ Francis, NFL
TE Don Draper, Mad Men
played by Jon Hamm
TE Jon Hamm, actor
TE Eric Carter, 24,
played by actor Corey Hawkins
LT Steve Wallace, NFL
C Randy Cross, NFL
RT Harris Barton, NFL
Defense
LE Fred Dean, NFL
LE Conor McGregor,
martial artist
LE Ben Siko, Star Trek,
played by Avery Brooks
LE John Lee Hooker,
musician
LE Lafeyette Reynolds,
True Blood, played by Nelsan Ellis
RE Charles Haley, NFL
RE Shepherd Book,
Firefly, played by Ron Glass
RE John McClane, Die
Hard, played by bruce Willis
RE David Palmer, 24,
played by Dennis Haysbert
DT Teal’c, Stargate
SG-1, played by Christopher Judge
DT John Shaft, Shaft,
played by Richard Roundtree
DT Nate Fisher, Six
Feet Under, played by Peter Krause
DT Mike Hammer, Mike
Hammer, played by Stacey Keach
LB Ronon Dex, Stargate
Atlantis, played by Jason Momoa
LB John Coltrane,
musician
LB Archie Moore, Boxer
LB Theolonious Monk,
musician
LB Charles Bukowski,
poet
LB Gene Tunney, Boxer
LB Zeke Anderson, Tour
of Duty, played by Terence Knox
LB Walter White,
Breaking Bad, played by Bryan Cranston
LB Lando Calrissian,
Star Wars, played by Billy Dee Williams
LB Bob Marley, musician
LB Mike Tyson, Boxer
LB Keena Turner, NFL
CB Deion Sanders, NFL
CB Lightning Hopkins,
musician
CB Jimi Hendrix,
musician
CB Floyd Patterson,
Boxer
FS Ronnie Lott, NFL
SS BA Baracas, The
A-Team, played by Mr. T
SS Leonard McCoy, Star
Trak, played by DeForest Kelley
