You're just not the intended beneficiary (Oh no, we'll just mail them to you)

There was a big ceremony at the Capital yesterday to unveil a marble statue of Dick Cheney. People said, "Wow, he looks so life-like." And then Cheney said, "Actually, the statue's over there." —Jimmy Fallon

"Time magazine has named 'Ebola Fighters' the 2014 Person of the Year. The Ebola fighters said they were honored to be chosen and look forward to the ceremony. Then Time said, 'Oh no, we'll just mail them to you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

David and Victoria Beckham’s 11-year-old son Cruz just released his first single, called “If Every Day Was Christmas.” I’m pretty sure if you’re the son of David and Victoria Beckham, every day is Christmas. “I have my own butler and I’m quite good looking. Merry Christmas. I own a stadium.” I can’t relate to that song. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a human version of bagpipes (Pontoon Captain)

I saw that after his recent comments about Muslims, Donald Trump was fired as a global ambassador for Scotland. Which is ironic, ’cuz if there were ever a human version of bagpipes, it's Donald Trump. –Jimmy Fallon

Another season of “The Bachelor” is coming up! I heard that there are four women named Lauren. Everyone had a good laugh — even the eight contestants named Ashley. –Jimmy Fallon

"Facebook revealed that Ebola was the most popular Facebook topic in the U.S. this year, with the World Cup coming in sixth. So welcome to America, where even Ebola is more popular than soccer." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What do you call a dog that's a magician? (Imagine how much they would have cost if they were made in America)

Ben Affleck was patted down by TSA security at Los Angeles International Airport this week. Though when it was over, the woman whispered, “I’m not in the TSA.” –Jimmy Fallon

I saw that Donald Trump himself is selling inauguration sweatshirts for $79. I know it sounds expensive for a sweatshirt, but just imagine how much they would have cost if they were made in America. –Jimmy Fallon

President Vladimir Putin said that Russia has invented the world's most effective drug to fight Ebola. Yeah. When asked if he tested it on rats, Putin said, "You could call them that. Sure, yeah, yeah. They're rats." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In that part of the world he is known as Lawrence of Arrhythmia (Iraq the Musical)

"Congress repealed 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'. The Pentagon can now start production on 'Iraq the Musical.'" –David Letterman

"I try to be level-headed when you have a problem like the Ebola outbreak. A couple of years ago there was what they call a pandemic. I called my doctor and I asked him what to do in the case of a pandemic. He said to make sure you sterilize your pan." –David Letterman

"We're now getting the sordid details with Eliot Spitzer, former governor. Apparently, when he was out whoring, during sex he would always wear his black socks. I know what you are thinking. Thanks, Dave, for searing that image in our brains. For me, the only thing I keep on is my hairpiece. Black socks? Well, for heaven's sakes, who does this guy think he is, Rosie O'Donnell?" --David Letterman

Vice President Dick Cheney also paid a surprise visit to Iraq. And Cheney is very popular in the Middle East. I mean, he flashes them that nice, warm sneer and they just go crazy. And in that part of the world he is known as Lawrence of Arrhythmia." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

T-shirts (slutty hazmat suit)

In a late night vote yesterday, the Senate made it illegal to sue a bank. Which is why today, Harvey Weinstein petitioned to become a bank. –Conan O’Brien

"Tonight President Obama and Mitt Romney debate foreign policy. Pundits say it will be close, but it will probably go to the candidate who wore the 'I killed Osama bin Laden' T-shirt." –Conan O'Brien

New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning is denying reports that he yelled out “Trump!” to signal an audible during Sunday’s game. Manning said actually “Trump” is a signal for “Illegal Use of Hands.” –Conan O’Brien

"Looks like they're working out the Ebola situation. The CDC has released new guidelines about what healthcare workers should wear to protect themselves when treating Ebola patients. For starters, this Halloween they've outlawed the slutty hazmat suit." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What's your favorite shoe shine fLaVoUr? (National Apologize to the Waiter Day)

"Kim Jong Un has been out of the public eye and North Korean officials say that it's because he needs a total of 100 days to recover from his foot ailments. When asked what kind of foot ailments, they said 'liposuction.'" –Seth Meyers

"Over 200 airplane cabin cleaners at LaGuardia Airport in New York have gone on strike over fears about the spread of Ebola. But then they saw LaGuardia Airport and decided to take their chances with Ebola." –Seth Meyers

Today is National Take Your Parents to Lunch Day. Or as it’s also known, National Apologize to the Waiter Day. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Experts say it's especially strange because he knew cake would be there (We're not making that mistake again)

"On this day in 1912, President Teddy Roosevelt was shot, declined to go to the hospital, and gave a 90-minute speech with a bullet in his chest. Then on this day in 2012, I spent the whole day on WebMD because my eyelid wouldn't stop twitching." –Seth Meyers

"A new poll shows that only a slim majority of Americans think the country is prepared for an Ebola outbreak. But I think we deal with outbreaks pretty well. It only took us a couple of months to completely eradicate Gangnam Style." –Seth Meyers

"Last week North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un missed a ceremony marking the 69th anniversary of the country. Experts say it's especially strange because he knew cake would be there." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They said it's all part of their plan to sell zero magazines (And I don't own a cape)

"Yesterday at a campaign fundraiser, Hillary Clinton criticized Vice President Cheney and called him 'Darth Vader.' Cheney denied it and said, 'Darth Vader is evil, half-machine and always wears a cape. And I don't own a cape.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Radar magazine is causing a big controversy because the cover of their November issue features a doctored photo of a partially dressed Rudy Giuliani and a totally nude Hillary Clinton. Radar says it's all part of their plan to sell zero magazines." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday on '60 Minutes,' French President Nicolas Sarkozy got up and left in the middle of an interview. He just got up and stormed out. The citizens of France say their president acted rudely, and they've never been prouder." --Conan O'Brien

"Among the top Google searches of 2014 were Ebola and the movie 'Frozen.' One leaves you with something highly infectious that's impossible to get out of your system. The other is Ebola." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oooh, looks like I’ll have to be punished for that (For a while, I was their prime suspect)

The movie "Fifty Shades of Grey" has gotten a Razzie nomination for Worst

Film of the Year. Upon hearing this, the film's director said, "Oooh, looks like

I’ll have to be punished for that...” –Conan O’Brien

A Chinese investment firm has bought the company behind the Batman

movies. Which explains why in the next Batman movie, a young Bruce

Wayne sees his parents killed, then goes back to making iPhones at

the factory. –Conan O’Brien

A man in Portland stole a 2-foot python from a pet store by putting it in his

pants. For a while, I was their prime suspect. –Conan O’Brien

President Vladimir Putin said that Russia has invented the world's most

effective drug to fight Ebola. Yeah. When asked if he tested it on rats,

Putin said, "You could call them that. Sure, yeah, yeah. They're rats."

–Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

who could’ve ever seen something like that coming in handy? (a tweet for everything)

“Trump’s lack of preparedness is clear in his appointment of Pence as head of the coronavirus response. What medical experience does Mike Pence have? At best, he looks like a CPR doll who won’t let you do mouth-to-mouth on it.” —Seth Meyers

“The stock market is down and the coronavirus is up – this planet is going to Purell in a handbasket. It’s interesting that Trump picked Mike Pence to handle this especially because in 2014, Donald Trump tweeted: ‘Obama just appointed an Ebola Czar with zero experience in the medical area and zero experience in infectious disease control. A TOTAL JOKE!’ Trump really does have a tweet for everything. It’s like if Donald Trump from the past is trying to stop Donald Trump in the future, and it’s just not working. A cruel irony of this national health emergency? Back in May 2018, the Trump administration disbanded the national pandemic response team to save money – although to be fair, who could’ve ever seen something like that coming in handy?” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I’m proud to be the official candidate of the U.S. Ski Team

I read that there are actually four stars in the universe named after Donald Trump. You believe that? A burning ball of hot air has stars named after him. –Jimmy Fallon

President Vladimir Putin said that Russia has invented the world's most effective drug to fight Ebola. Yeah. When asked if he tested it on rats, Putin said, "You could call them that. Sure, yeah, yeah. They're rats." –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump has been endorsed by a whites-only group. In response, Trump said, "I’m proud to be the official candidate of the U.S. Ski Team." –Conan O’Brien

the news left them shaken but not stirred

"During an interview, former President George W. Bush discussed his painting hobby and said, 'Never paint your wife or your mother.' Then he added, 'Because it's almost impossible to get the paint out of their hair.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"Among the top Google searches of 2014 were Ebola and the movie 'Frozen.' One leaves you with something highly infectious that's impossible to get out of your system. The other is Ebola." –Conan O'Brien



"The hackers who hacked into Sony have leaked the upcoming script for the new James Bond movie. Some of the executives said the news left them shaken but not stirred." –Conan O'Brien



Honorable mention goes to whoever has to announce them

"Time magazine has named Ebola healthcare workers as their person of the year. The Ebola workers were very excited when Time magazine gave them the news – via Skype." –Seth Meyers



"Today Malala Yousafzai and Kailash Satyarthi received the Nobel Peace Prize. And they’re giving an honorable mention to whoever has to announce them."–Seth Meyers


It was not a member of Congress

"Time magazine named their person of the year today. It was not a member of Congress." –Jimmy Kimmel



"This year, the person — it's persons, and those persons are the Ebola fighters. The people who were on the front lines, working to keep Ebola contained. I think it's a very good choice. Congratulations, guys. I'd love to shake your hands, but you know…" –Jimmy Kimmel



"This will be the first time an acceptance speech has included the phrase, 'We couldn't have done it without Ebola.'" –Jimmy Kimmel



I had more leg room in the womb

"Time magazine announced its person of the year. It's health workers who treat Ebola. That's a person of the year. Time magazine told the health workers, 'No need to pick up your award, we'll mail it to you.'" –Conan O'Brien



"A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, 'I had more leg room in the womb.'" –Conan O'Brien



"The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It's almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup." –David Letterman



even Ebola is more popular than soccer

"Time magazine has named 'Ebola Fighters' the 2014 Person of the Year. The Ebola fighters said they were honored to be chosen and look forward to the ceremony. Then Time said, 'Oh no, we'll just mail them to you.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"Facebook revealed that Ebola was the most popular Facebook topic in the U.S. this year, with the World Cup coming in sixth. So welcome to America, where even Ebola is more popular than soccer." –Jimmy Fallon



"Jeb Bush’s brother Neil said that their mother has 'come around' to the idea of Jeb running for president in 2016. Because if there's anything that says you're qualified to be president, it's your own mom saying, 'I guess you could do it.'" –Jimmy Fallon



And also to go out and vote

"I want to settle everybody down. Let me put this in perspective for you. Your chances of catching Ebola are the same as the Jets chances of making the playoffs." –David Letterman



"A candidate for governor in Arkansas has revealed he used to be a male stripper. The stripper-turned-candidate is encouraging everyone to head to the polls next Tuesday. And also to go out and vote." –Craig Ferguson



"The government in Cuba is encouraging citizens to have more children because the country has the lowest number of newborns in Latin America. And nothing gets you in the mood like a direct order from Fidel Castro." –Seth Meyers



Hey, I'm investigating here!

"The investigator who led the probe in the Secret Service prostitution scandal was caught with a prostitute. When cops found them together, he said, 'Hey, I'm investigating here.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Sources are saying Russia may have hacked into the White House Internet system. The problem was discovered this morning when suddenly Obama's screen saver was a shirtless Vladimir Putin." –Conan O'Brien



"I try to be level-headed when you have a problem like the Ebola outbreak. A couple of years ago there was what they call a pandemic. I called my doctor and I asked him what to do in the case of a pandemic. He said to make sure you sterilize your pan." –David Letterman



This Halloween they've outlawed the slutty hazmat suit

"Last night the republican governor of Florida refused to come out for a debate. He was upset that his opponent had a fan under the podium to keep cool. Now a governor and a fan are very different, of course. One oscillates back and forth, blowing hot air in everybody's face. And the other one is a fan." –Craig Ferguson

"Looks like they're working out the Ebola situation. The CDC has released new guidelines about what healthcare workers should wear to protect themselves when treating Ebola patients. For starters, this Halloween they've outlawed the slutty hazmat suit." –Conan O'Brien



"It was Game 1 of the World Series tonight. The Kansas City Royals haven't been in the World Series since 1985. Things were very different back then. Tensions were high with Russia, Congress locked up in partisan bickering, my career was in the dumps. These are all bad examples." –Craig Ferguson



Well, not with THAT attitude...

"Dictator Kim Jong Un is back. He'd been missing. No one knew where he was. No one had seen him for a long time. It was like he was hosting a talk show at 12:30 on CBS." –Craig Ferguson



"During an interview, Senator John McCain declared that the U.S. isn't winning the war against ISIS. Even ISIS said, 'Well, not with THAT attitude.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll shows that only a slim majority of Americans think the country is prepared for an Ebola outbreak. But I think we deal with outbreaks pretty well. It only took us a couple of months to completely eradicate Gangnam Style." –Seth Meyers