it's the only form of birth control her insurance would cover (salivate when the bell rings)

According to reports, former Vice President Joe Biden requires that his paid speaking engagements provide him with a dinner of angel hair pomodoro, caprese salad, and raspberry sorbet. And this is weird: He asked for the angel hair just to smell it. --Seth Meyers

A dog named Scamp the Tramp was crowned the World's Ugliest Dog over the weekend. They knew it was a no-brainer when the other dogs started sniffing its face. --Seth Meyers

Officials in Florida yesterday pulled over a woman who was hiding a foot-long alligator in her yoga pants. To be fair, it's the only form of birth control her insurance would cover. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a five-day marijuana festival that lasts 10 days (what 99.9 percent effective means)

On this day in 1960, the FDA approved the world’s first commercially produced birth control pill. And on this day in 1961, the first couple learned what 99.9 percent effective means. –Seth Meyers

A retreat called “Cannabliss” will take place next month in California. It’s a five-day marijuana festival that lasts 10 days. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it's the only form of birth control her insurance would cover (Hey, what does this button do?)

Donald Trump said in an interview today that it is highly unlikely that he would ever use nuclear weapons as president. Meanwhile, Ben Carson said, “Hey, what does this button do?” –Seth Meyers

A new study has found that specially trained pigeons can have up to an 85 percent accuracy rate of detecting breast cancer in humans. Which means that 15 percent of the time it’s just a pigeon staring at your boobs. –Seth Meyers

Officials in Florida yesterday pulled over a woman who was hiding a foot-long alligator in her yoga pants. To be fair, it's the only form of birth control her insurance would cover. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They have a similar result, but there’s a vas deferens (To put that number into perspective)

Republicans, who were already nervous, ran for the exits after the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office announced yesterday that under the GOP plan, 22 million people would lose their health coverage. That's a big number. To put that number into perspective, if you laid 22 million people end to end, it would reach Canada, where they could get healthcare. –Stephen Colbert

“According to one urologist, before the Supreme Court’s ruling he received four or five vasectomy requests a day. But since the decision, that number has spiked to 12 to 18. Makes sense. The most effective forms of birth control for men are abstinence and vasectomies. They have a similar result, but there’s a vas deferens.” —Stephen Colbert

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has promised he will pass Trumpcare before the July 4 recess. And he has got to, because McConnell knows if they don't pass it now, there's a serious danger someone might read it. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

A major inconvenience for those who wish to exploit and steal from the working class (Dude, you are birth control)

“Rush Limbaugh: four wives he’s had – no children. Dude, you are birth control.” –Bill Maher

"We learned this week that Mitt Romney is building a car elevator in his house. An elevator for your cars. I get the feeling this guy wants to be president so he has a place to live while he's remodeling his beach house." –Bill Maher

"I have not seen anything this surreal since they canceled 'Twin Peaks.' What else can you say about a Republican debate when the rich guy, who’s avoiding taxes – which they like, gets booed and the fat creep into threesomes gets a standing ovation?" –Bill Maher, on Romney and Gingrich in the CNN debate

"African American Congressman Bobby Rush wore a hoodie on the floor of Congress to make a point this week. And they threw him out. They said a hoodie is too scary for Congress. Too scary? Have you ever looked into Michele Bachmann's eyes?" –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And on this day in 1961, the first couple learned what 99.9 percent effective means (I have no idea what I'm doing)

Donald Trump also dominated last night's West Virginia Republican primary with 76% of the vote. Trump told the press that he did really well with black voters, but it turned out they were just coal miners. –Seth Meyers

A 70-year-old woman in India recently gave birth to a baby boy. The baby and his mother are doing fine. The doctor, however, is still recovering. –Seth Meyers

On this day in 1960, the FDA approved the world’s first commercially produced birth control pill. And on this day in 1961, the first couple learned what 99.9 percent effective means. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So not only did our Air Force get a direct hit, they also got an incredible deal on a pre-owned Buick Regal (Kilometery Cyrus)

February 2023

“After the US military shot down three unidentified flying objects in as many days, on Monday, the US set up a new task force on UFOs. Interesting coincidence. That’s like your flight attendant saying, ‘Uh, attention passengers, everyone in the cockpit is totally fine and conscious. Totally unrelated, we are setting up a task force on how to land a plane.’” —Stephen Colbert

“It is possible, that the UFOs could be sky trash detected with new sensitivity on radar settings; the White House said there are ‘hundreds, if not thousands’, of trash objects in the sky, including used car lot balloons. So not only did our Air Force get a direct hit, they also got an incredible deal on a pre-owned Buick Regal.” —Stephen Colbert

“There is news that researchers are closing in on a male birth control pill, with a pill that will stop sperm from swimming for an hour. The drug has been tested in mice, and after ingesting it, none of the mice got any women pregnant, so that’s good. They say their ultimate plan is to crush the pills up, put them into a tranquilizer dart, and hide in a tree outside Nick Cannon’s house.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Believe me, that's about as much sex as I can handle (Mom, I need to talk to you about birth control)

 

"President Bush met at the White House with Jordan's King Abdullah. Yeah, there was one awkward moment when President Bush asked King Abdullah, 'How is Queen Latifah?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Political observers are pointing out, maybe you've seen this too, that at campaign rallies, John McCain likes to give Sarah Palin a hug, then give his wife a kiss on the cheek. That's the ritual, yeah. When asked about it, McCain said, 'Believe me, that's about as much sex as I can handle.' That's an orgy for him. I went too far." --Conan O'Brien

 

"This is true. In Alaska, a political activist is trying to get Sarah Palin to release over 1,000 emails that she's withholding from public records. She won't release them. Yeah. Apparently, several of the e-mails went unanswered and have the subject line 'Mom, I need to talk to you about birth control.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He no play-a-da-game. He no make-a-da rules! (That is how the spider waits for the fly)

It is assumed that a woman must wait motionless,

until she is wooed. That is how the spider waits for

the fly. –George Bernard Shaw

He no play-a-da-game. He no make-a-da rules!

–Earl Butz, American politician, referring to the

Pope’s stricture against contraception

My girlfriend just found out she’s been taking

aspirin instead of the pill. Well, at least she

doesn’t have a headache - but I do. –Laugh-In,

NBC, 1969

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

To which God replied, “No, no, no, I said he was ‘annoying.’ (his personality)

Vice President Mike Pence today cast a tie-breaking vote to eliminate a rule that blocks states from defunding Planned Parenthood, because Mike Pence only approves of one type of birth control — his personality. –Seth Meyers

President Trump today attacked Amazon for the second time this week, tweeting, “I am right about Amazon costing the United States Post Office massive amounts of money for being their Delivery Boy.” This is when I appreciate Twitter. It used to be, if you wanted to hear a 71-year-old man whining about the post office, you had to go to the post office. --Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders have scheduled a debate for next Thursday in Brooklyn. Which is about as close as Bernie Sanders can get to Wall Street without spontaneously combusting. –Seth Meyers

Conservative pundit Glenn Beck said Friday that Ted Cruz was “anointed” by God to become president. To which God replied, “No, no, no, I said he was ‘annoying.’” –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What is the opposite of a meeting of the minds? (some of my best friends spill oil in this gulf)

“Rush Limbaugh has lost so many advertisers that on Thursday there was five minutes on his show of dead air. And most observers agree he’s never been so eloquent. “–Bill Maher

"CPAC, they didn't invite Chris Christie, but they did invite Rick Perry and Sarah Palin – to answer the question, 'What is the opposite of a meeting of the minds?'" –Bill Maher

“Mitt Romney is not a regular guy. He was campaigning in Mississippi this week and said ‘some of my best friends spill oil in this gulf.’” –Bill Maher

“Rush Limbaugh: four wives he’s had – no children. Dude, you are birth control.” –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is the guy who wanted to replace Communion wafers with unlimited bread sticks (Will Pope for food)

February 2013

"In November, Colorado voted to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. Currently, only Colorado residents can purchase marijuana in the state. But they may open it up to nonresidents too. The new state slogan is 'Come for the legal marijuana, stay because you forgot to leave.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"They're going to miss Pope Benedict. He's very underrated. This is the guy who wanted to replace Communion wafers with unlimited bread sticks." –David Letterman

"It's been reported that after the Pope retires he'll receive a relatively small pension. So don't be surprised to see an elderly German on the sidewalk with a sign that reads 'Will Pope for food.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It's being reported that the next Pope could be a cardinal from Boston. That means the Vatican may soon endorse birth control but only for Yankee fans." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your a**! (Skankjuary)

August 2012

"Here's a rule of thumb. If you have to follow your claim with the words 'I don’t know if that’s true,' then shut up. Otherwise you might as well put a dead cocker spaniel on your head and start yelling about birth certificates." –Jon Stewart blasts Harry Reid for speculating Mitt Romney didn't pay taxes for 10 years

"Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt." –Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report

"Well China, you got us. Michael Phelps was doping -- and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass!" –Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report

"That's right, free government birth control for all the ladies. So, don't forget to reset your watches and check your calendars because it's now whore o'clock on the first day of Skankjuary." –Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

man loots house, steals white woman (which is also his birth control policy)

April 2012

"New Jersey Mayor Corey Booker last night personally rescued a woman from a burning building. Or as Fox News reported it, ‘black man loots house, steals white woman.’" –Bill Maher

"Cory Booker is not the only New Jersey politician who's done something brave like this. Gov. Chris Crisco – sorry Chris Christie – once ran into a burning restaurant to save 15 pounds of prime rib, but then got stuck in the window going out and burned his ass." –Bill Maher

"The pundits say Rick Santorum pulled out at just the right time, which is also his birth control policy." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

the photo has proven to be a very effective form of birth control (21 Jump Street)

March 2012

“Here’s how nice it was here on the Eastern Seaboard. It was such a beautiful day today that Mitt Romney was riding on the roof of his car.” –David Letterman

“A photo of a shirtless Rick Santorum lounging in a pool is circulating on the Internet. Ironically, the photo has proven to be a very effective form of birth control.” –Conan O'Brien

“Over the weekend, a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters tried to reoccupy a New York park. You can tell the movement has been hurting for funds. This time they called themselves ‘Occupy Wall Street brought to you by Sony Pictures ‘21 Jump Street.’” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

because they’re hard for a fat guy to put on in a car (Lady Gaga meat dress)

February 2012

“Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, and Rick Santorum spent their week lecturing America about the morality of birth control. You know, you guys don’t need birth control, you are birth control.” –Bill Maher

“Santorum and Romney, they don’t like condoms because sex should all be about making babies. And Newt Gingrich doesn’t like them because they’re hard for a fat guy to put on in a car.” –Bill Maher

“One time Lady Gaga showed up at the Grammys wearing a dress made of meat. One time she showed up in a giant egg. One time she showed up strapped to the top of Mitt Romney's car.” –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

They would have also accepted gutless and cowardly (with the possible exception of the Clinton Library)

August 2011

"According to a new poll, voters described the way Congress behaved during the debt debate as 'disgusting, stupid, and ridiculous.' They would have also accepted 'gutless and cowardly.'" –David Letterman

"A lot of people want to know what Osama bin Laden's last words were. In a new article, they tell you: 'Come in.'" –David Letterman 

"The Louvre has more bare breasts than any other institution in the world, with the possible exception of the Clinton Library." –Craig Ferguson

"I don't believe in birth control. If you want to control your fertility, do it the way God intended: with a cold, loveless marriage." –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

had we not been going 70 m.p.h./the Dalai Lama asked.../10 years too late

July 2011

"While testifying in parliament, Rupert Murdoch was attacked by a man who threw a pie and yelled insulting names. Murdoch immediately gave the man a show on Fox News." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama had a private meeting with the Dalai Lama. The President asked about the political situation in Tiber, and the Dalai Lama asked if it was too soon to bang Jennifer Lopez." –Conan O'Brien

"NASA is considering replacing the space shuttle with a space taxi. It can do everything the shuttle can do, except pick you up if you're black." –Conan O'Brien

"A panel of medical experts has recommended that health insurance companies provide free birth control to their customers. The recommendation has been hailed as 'historic' by women's' groups, and as '10 years too late' by Maria Shriver." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

it's the only form of birth control her insurance would cover (sweet chocolate buns)

The website Refinery29 recently posted a list of possible wedding gifts for lesbian brides. A lesbian bride is like a straight bride except she's experienced orgasm. --Late Night with Seth Meyers

After a seven-year absence, NBC announced they're bringing back their genealogy series "Who Do You Think You Are?" But this time they're calling it "Surprise: You're Related to Slave Owners." --Late Night with Seth Meyers

NBC ordered has a new "Law and Order" spin-off called "Law and Order: Hate Crimes." It's just body-cam footage. Just kidding. They turn the body cams off for that stuff. --Late Night with Seth Meyers

Officials in Florida yesterday pulled over a woman who was hiding a foot-long alligator in her yoga pants. To be fair, it's the only form of birth control her insurance would cover. --Late Night with Seth Meyers

An ice-cream chain in New York City has created a so-called gelato burger, which is two scoops of gelato sandwiched between sweet chocolate buns. And if you want to know what sweet chocolate buns look like, marry me. --Amber Ruffin

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Men apply the gel to themselves for about two minutes, then say, "You know what, I'm actually good." (We own a republican congressman)

Meanwhile in sexy coffee news, Starbucks says that it will start blocking pornography on its stores Wifi. You know what that means. You have one month to watch as much porn at Starbucks as you can! --Stephen Colbert

You guys, this Sunday is the first night of Hanukkah. Which means we're just two days away from President Trump going on Twitter and wishing everybody happy Chaka Khan. --Jimmy Fallon

Scientists are studying whether a male birth control gel could replace condoms. It works really well, 'cause birth control gel sounds so gross, nobody will ever want to sleep with you. Here is how it works. Men apply the gel to themselves for about two minutes, then say, "You know what, I'm actually good." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”