That’s what GoFundMe is for (cross it deliberately)

The U.S. government shutdown for the first time since 2018 on Wednesday. I thought the worst thing that could happen this week was when Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban broke up. If two hot Australians with the same face can’t make it work, then what hope is there for the rest of us?” — Ronny Chieng

“Look, this is the classic dispute between the parties. Democrats say that the government should help pay for health care, and Republicans say, ‘That’s what GoFundMe is for.’” — Ronny Chieng

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He followed that up of course with his latest hit, Do You Think I'm Breathing? (cross it deliberately)

Today is the last day of Pride Month. Thank God. Now I can go back to banging chicks. —Greg Gutfeld

80-year-old Rod Stewart performed at the Glastonbury Music Festival with a rousing rendition of Do You Think I’m Sexy? He followed that up of course with his latest hit, Do You Think I'm Breathing? —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You can’t outrun your mortality on a Vespa! (and cross it deliberately)

Meanwhile, Trump’s “wonder wheel of random tariffs” has hit most US trading partners. On Wednesday, the EU clapped back, instituting tariffs on a number of American goods including bourbon, whiskey, jeans and Harley-Davidson motorcycles. “That is going to make it so much harder for European men to have a midlife crisis. You can’t outrun your mortality on a Vespa!” —Stephen Colbert

“It’s not just the economy. Trump also, and I want to be fair, is ruining everything,” as his Environmental Protection Agency announced it would repeal dozens of the nation’s most significant environmental regulations, including more than two dozen protections against air and water pollution. “I mean, just even hearing that stresses me out. I need a drink, man,” [said Colbert before sipping a brown liquid.] “Oh my God, that’s water.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Fairly simple thing that happens to work (What neither of them care about is you)

“I want to make sure Ukraine has enough tanks before I get my colonoscopy.” –Kurt Metzger 1/26/2023

I'd like to talk about a few things that bring us together. Okay, things that emphasize our similarities instead of our differences, which is all you ever hear about in this country are differences. Politicians and the media are always pushing the things that separate us, things that make us different. That's the way the ruling class operates in any society. They divide the rest of the people, they keep the lower and the middle classes fighting with each other so that the rich can run off with all the fucking money. Fairly simple thing that happens to work. --George Carlin

"What the government wants is control. What the corporate world wants is money. What both of them want is power. What neither of them care about is you." --Russell Brand

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There's also a negative side (Fairly simple thing that happens to work)

Why do dogs race to the door when you when the doorbell rings? It’s almost never for them. --Norm Macdonald

“The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.” —Hunter S. Thompson

I'd like to talk about a few things that bring us together. Okay, things that emphasize our similarities instead of our differences, which is all you ever hear about in this country are differences. Politicians and the media are always pushing the things that separate us, things that make us different. That's the way the ruling class operates in any society. They divide the rest of the people, they keep the lower and the middle classes fighting with each other so that the rich can run off with all the fucking money. Fairly simple thing that happens to work. --George Carlin

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

until they co-host our Christmas show (cross it deliberately)

Elon Musk, seen here trying to jump to Mars, joined Trump on stage at the rally tonight, which may be the last time Trump and Musk will be together until they co-host our Christmas show. —Colin Jost

Earlier tonight, Donald Trump held a rally at the site of his first assassination attempt, which I have to admit is very brave of him, though it was interesting that right before Trump spoke, he sent J.D. Vance out in a long red tie and a blonde wig. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Congratulations Mister Vice President, you are now a Crip (they're actually very, very good compared to how they're gonna be)

"So in summary, the Vice President of the United States shot a 78-year-old man in the face. Congratulations Mister Vice President, you are now a Crip." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The economy is in trouble, at least that's what some of the financial analysts in the audience are saying today. But President Bush this morning gave a speech at the Economic Club of New York -- that sounds like a fun club to be a part of. He urged the businessmen and women in the audience not to overreact. If you have ever seen the footage of him reading to the children on 9/11, you know one thing that this guy doesn't do is overreact. He also said that if you look at the numbers overall, even though things may seem bad right now, they're actually very, very good compared to how they're gonna be. So, enjoy." --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Today he declared victory in the "War on Jobs." (Hey, he's a guy)

In a new poll 54 percent believed President Bush exaggerated the size of Iraq's missile threat. Hey, he's a guy. –Craig Kilborn

President Bush is trying to put a positive spin on the latest bad economic numbers. Today he declared victory in the "War on Jobs." –Craig Kilborn

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Fireball shots/cross it deliberately (he never spent a dime of taxpayer money to be with his kids)

Meanwhile, Donald Trump’s conviction means that he could be ineligible to hold liquor licenses at his New Jersey golf courses. That’s right, no liquor at Trump golf courses. In a related story, Rudy Giuliani has announced that he’s voting for Joe Biden. According to New Jersey law, liquor license holders must have a “reputable character” and would be expected to conduct business “in a reputable manner”. Of course, this is New Jersey, so by ‘reputable’ they mean if you’re going to do Fireball shots out of a stripper’s butt crack, use a coaster. —Stephen Colbert

According to new analysis, Jill Biden’s round-trip flight from France to Delaware to attend Hunter’s trial could cost taxpayers as much as $345,000. Say what you will about Trump, but he never spent a dime of taxpayer money to be with his kids. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's a fairly simple thing that happens to work (In case of an accident, I'm not surprised.)

For potential disasters, this pessimist carries a card in his wallet that says, "In case of an accident, I'm not surprised." --Milton Berle

I'd like to talk about a few things that bring us together. Okay, things that emphasize our similarities instead of our differences, which is all you ever hear about in this country are differences. Politicians and the media are always pushing the things that separate us, things that make us different. That's the way the ruling class operates in any society. They divide the rest of the people, they keep the lower and the middle classes fighting with each other so that the rich can run off with all the fucking money. Fairly simple thing that happens to work. --George Carlin

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He’s going to keep on going till he loses unanimously (find out where the line is and cross it deliberately)

And it’s not just Republican politicians who are mad at what’s going on. Conservative pundits are also mad at them. Not mad at them for nominating an election-denying coup plotter like Jim Jordan, mind you, but for not lining up behind him. The Fox News host Brian Kilmeade, for example, was caught on a hot mic calling a GOP lawmaker who didn’t vote for Jordan a ‘dumbass’. You know how bad things are for you when Brian Kilmeade is calling you a dumbass? —Seth Meyers

It’s been two weeks since Republicans opened the Matt Gaetz of hell and threw away the key, and they’re no closer to having a speaker of the House. In his second vote, Jim Jordan lost by an even wider margin than his first attempt at becoming speaker. But he’s not giving up! He’s going to keep on going till he loses unanimously. —Jimmy Kimmel 

Jim Jordan lost by even more votes on his second vote – it’s like retaking the SAT and finding out you got dumber somehow. —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

good little puppet, good little puppet (Iraq rememberer)

I'd like to talk about a few things that bring us together. Okay, things that emphasize our similarities instead of our differences, which is all you ever hear about in this country are differences. Politicians and the media are always pushing the things that separate us, things that make us different. That's the way the ruling class operates in any society. They divide the rest of the people, they keep the lower and the middle classes fighting with each other so that the rich can run off with all the fucking money. Fairly simple thing that happens to work. --George Carlin

If you are voting democrat or republican know this, those lawmakers will say, ‘good little puppet, good little puppet’, as they continue to screw you over. --Kit Cabello Hard Lens Media

“I want to make sure Ukraine has enough tanks before I get my colonoscopy.” –Kurt Metzger 1/26/2023

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Unfortunately, it will be the nicknames fans give them (Plus, he’s the state fruit)

According to a report released by the Justice Department's internal watchdog, former FBI director James Comey used a personal Gmail account on numerous occasions to conduct FBI business. And when she heard that, Hillary Clinton punched a wall so hard the building collapsed. --Seth Meyers

Major league baseball has announced that they will allow players to wear nicknames on their jerseys for one weekend this season. Unfortunately, it will be the nicknames fans give them. –Seth Meyers

President Trump will speak in Miami tomorrow. He’ll be comfortable, because he still has strong support in Florida. Plus, he’s the state fruit. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Fairly simple thing that happens to work (They fear you living your life without fear)

"What the government wants is control. What the corporate world wants is money. What both of them want is power. What neither of them care about is you." --Russell Brand

I'd like to talk about a few things that bring us together. Okay, things that emphasize our similarities instead of our differences, which is all you ever hear about in this country are differences. Politicians and the media are always pushing the things that separate us, things that make us different. That's the way the ruling class operates in any society. They divide the rest of the people, they keep the lower and the middle classes fighting with each other so that the rich can run off with all the fucking money. Fairly simple thing that happens to work. --George Carlin

Why do dogs race to the door when you when the doorbell rings? It’s almost never for them. --Norm Macdonald

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And if you don't see them right away, it's because they're right behind a 25-foot tall portrait of Donald Trump (I'm doing this for America)

CBS announced that season 33 of "Survivor" will be called "Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen-X." It'll start in September, and end 20 minutes later when both teams realize there's no Wi-Fi. –Jimmy Fallon

The Wall Street Journal just reported that America has a surplus of cheese and that every person in the country would have to eat an extra three pounds of cheese this year to get rid of it. So the next time the pizza guy judges you for ordering extra cheese, just say, "I'm doing this for America." –Jimmy Fallon

The New York Times just did a big profile on Donald Trump, and revealed that he has life-sized portraits of Ronald Reagan and John Wayne at his campaign headquarters. And if you don't see them right away, it's because they're right behind a 25-foot tall portrait of Donald Trump. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I never thought I would retire. I always assumed I would be impeached (A fairly simple thing that happens to work)

I'd like to talk about a few things that bring us together. Okay, things that emphasize our similarities instead of our differences, which is all you ever hear about in this country are differences. Politicians and the media are always pushing the things that separate us, things that make us different. That's the way the ruling class operates in any society. They divide the rest of the people, they keep the lower and the middle classes fighting with each other so that the rich can run off with all the fucking money. A fairly simple thing that happens to work. --George Carlin

"Last week I announced that I'm retiring. Now I'm hoping I can hang on long enough so my son can take over the show. I never thought I would retire. I always assumed I would be impeached." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But now he says that's all bong water under the bridge (extremely circumcised)

At a hardware store in California, a man was caught on camera attempting to steal a chainsaw, but stuffing it down his pants. Honestly, let him keep hit. He earned that chainsaw more than anyone who ever paid for it. The suspect got away and police are describing him as medium height, medium build, and extremely circumcised. --James Corden

Speaking of speakers, the man who Paul Ryan replaced as speaker of the House, Republican John Boehner, has announced he's joining the advisory board of one of the country's largest legal marijuana companies. Now here is the thing. For his entire congressional career, Boehner said that he was strongly opposed to legalizing marijuana. But now he says that's all bong water under the bridge. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The duty of the comedian (Jail to the Chief)

March 2023

“Donald Trump boasted over the weekend that he would be arrested this week on charges stemming from a Manhattan prosecutor’s investigation into hush money payments to porn star Stormy Daniels during his 2016 presidential campaign. But those charges remained unconfirmed as of Tuesday evening. It’s a shame he wasn’t getting arrested today, because what better day for Trump to get arrested than on Rosie O’Donnell’s birthday. Trump is reported to be reveling being back in the news and the center of attention. Here’s a question: if Trump goes to prison, does the Secret Service go with him? It sounds like the premise for a Mark Wahlberg/Kevin Hart movie, right? Jail to the Chief.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Corleone is reportedly looking at his arrest as a fun experience, telling people he’s excited about potentially being handcuffed and paraded in front of cameras like it’s the red carpet at some kind of Guilty People’s Choice awards. He’s also saying he specifically wants to get handcuffed behind his back, which weirdly is the same request he had for Stormy Daniels when he got into this mess. Melania has been debating whether she should play Party in the USA or Celebration by Kool & the Gang.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“The scenario “that has the Maga world all fired up right now, and that is if Trump refuses to leave Mar-a-Lago to surrender to authorities in New York or Georgia or one of the many places where he might wind up getting arrested, you know who would have to authorize the warrant? That would be Ron ‘Meatball Ron’ DeSantis, the governor of Florida and Trump’s main rival for the GOP presidential nomination. Matt Gaetz, the Florida GOP congressman previously investigated for sex trafficking, called on DeSantis to do everything in his power to prevent the arrest, lest ‘any Floridian’ be vulnerable to ‘false accusations’. Spoken like a truly innocent Florida man.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Jimmy Dore: George Carlin Would Be Canceled Today For Saying This!

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

George Carlin - National Press Club [5/13/1999]

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”