It's true, now hand me another golden sausage (Been there, done that)

"Scientists are saying that a giant asteroid could strike the earth in 2182, and that it could decimate the planet and destroy most forms of life. A spokesman for BP said, 'Been there, done that.'" –Craig Ferguson

"I'm not a political expert, but I think going after the rich is a good idea in an election year, or any other year for that matter. Because let's face it, rich people are bastards. Even rich people would agree with that. They're like, 'It's true, now hand me another golden sausage.'"  –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, I wasn’t going to marry him (And every single time it turns out they lied)

"Republican Congressman Phil Hinkle, who voted to ban gay marriage, was caught propositioning a male prostitute. Hinkle said, 'Well, I wasn’t going to marry him.'" –Conan O'Brien

"According to a new study, most men would like women to occasionally pick up the check. The study also found most women would occasionally like to be paid as much as men for doing the same job." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There's a war being fought and people on drugs are winning it! (but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter)

"George Bush says we are losing the War on Drugs. You know what that implies? There's a war being fought and people on drugs are winning it!" – Bill Hicks

A person told me that I was wearing two different colored socks. I said it was true, but to me they were the same because I go by thickness. –Steven Wright

The Post Office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States. It’s a ten cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter. --Chevy Chase, SNL

And in music news number one on the college charts this summer was the band Better Than Ezra. At number two, Ezra. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Their advice, introduce yourself to as many people as possible (two cakes)

The richest girl in the world, billionaire Athina Onassis celebrated her 10th birthday this week. What's it like to be the richest girl in the world? Well to give you some idea, at the party they had two cakes. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

A new FBI study shows that for the first time Americans are more likely to be killed by a stranger than a loved one or acquaintance. Their advice, introduce yourself to as many people as possible. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

In a brilliant move during closing arguments the O.J. Simpson Attorney, Johnnie Cochran, put on the knit cap prosecutors say OJ wore the night he committed the murders. Although OJ may have hurt his case when he suddenly blurted out, “Hey easy with that! That's my lucky stabbing hat!” --Norm Macdonald, SNL

The American Academy of Pediatrics has released an updated list of unsafe baby products. Topping the list this year is the really really really really high chair. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he’s already paid two families to leave (The trick is to lift with your legs, not your back)

President Trump yesterday issued a statement calling for paid

family leave. Which is a little surprising until you remember that

he’s already paid two families to leave. –Seth Meyers

"A new poll finds that the majority of GOP voters say they can't

see themselves supporting Chris Christie. The trick is to lift with

your legs, not your back." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

She's even been contacted by Bill Clinton about an internship (Nancy Pelosi was seen fleeing the country)

A California woman with the world's longest tongue says being a Guinness record holder has provided her with career opportunities. She's even been contacted by Bill Clinton about an internship. —Greg Gutfeld

Elon Musk said Doge's next target will be members of Congress who got strangely wealthy. Upon hearing the news Nancy Pelosi was seen fleeing the country. —Greg Gutfeld

In a New York Times essay Hillary Clinton calls the Trump administration dumb over the Signal chat leak. She added quote "If it were me they would have already found Mike Waltz dead in a prison cell." —Greg Gutfeld

A new study says masturbation can improve the quality of sleep and furthermore … Zzzzzzzzzzz. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I couldn't help myself, he was delicious (American bumblebees)

In the U.K., a group of scientists successfully taught bumblebees how to play soccer. And now, they’re trying to get American bumblebees to watch it. –Conan O’Brien

In an interview this week, Barbra Streisand revealed that she cloned her favorite dog, twice. Barbra said, "I couldn't help myself, he was delicious." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And every single time it turns out they lied (Panic Room)

"The heat wave is breaking records all across America. It was so hot in Washington, people are sweating like President Bush trying to spell Hezbollah." --Jay Leno

"In movie news, the movie 'Panic Room 2' is now in development. The whole thing is gonna be filmed at Hillary Clinton's campaign headquarters." --Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich has been attacking Mitt Romney for being wealthy and having money in bank accounts in the Cayman Islands. See, that’s when you know you’re part of the top 1 percent, when your bank’s address has the word ‘island’ in it.” –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I thought that was Higgins from 'Magnum P.I.' (I'm telling Kim Jung Mom)

"King Jung Nam, the brother of North Korean leader Kim Jung Un, said that as a leader his younger brother will fail. When he heard this, Kim Jung Un was so upset at his older brother, he yelled, 'I'm telling Kim Jung Mom.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Now, some people are really upset because President Obama has decided to redecorate the Oval Office, and he got rid of former President Bush's bust of Winston Churchill. When he heard about it, Bush was furious and said, 'Winston Churchill? I thought that was Higgins from 'Magnum P.I.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s actually the safest place to be when you fly United (he should know his name by now)

Donald Trump is also attracting criticism after he singled out a black supporter at a rally on Friday and told the crowd, "Look at my African-American," which is clearly racist, but also, he should know his name by now. –Seth Meyers

An 88-year-old woman has set a new record for oldest female to stand on the wing of a flying plane. It sounds dangerous, but it’s actually the safest place to be when you fly United. –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump said that the United States should block all Muslims from entering the country. He said that in fact, the only reason we should ever allow ANYONE to come here from ANY country is to marry him. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And every single time it turns out they lied (Path to peace)

At a rally in a Pennsylvania high school, Elon Musk promoted the debunked theory that Dominion Voting Systems rigged the 2020 election, saying, quote, the last thing I would do is trust a computer program, you know, like the ones driving all of his cars. —Colin Jost

President Biden also said that he hopes that the death of the leader of Hamas will be a path to peace in Gaza. Path to peace is also the name of the home Biden's moving into in about three months. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It is the only place in the world where robbers get to keep the money (it's not the heat that gets you; it's the stupidity)

"July was the hottest month on record in Washington, D.C. But it's not the heat that gets you; it's the stupidity." –Jay Leno

"Tom DeLay will still get to collect over a million dollars in congressional pension money. This is what's so great about Congress. It is the only place in the world where robbers get to keep the money." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What is, start drinking at noon? (Don’t Stop Believing)

Alex Trebek is hinting that he might retire from “Jeopardy!” in 2020. When asked what he’ll do in retirement, Trebek said, “What is, start drinking at noon?” --Jimmy Fallon

I read that you can now buy a new, wine-flavored jelly. Which is a great idea until your kid’s teacher calls and says, “I dunno what happened to Billy. He ate a PB&J and keeps singing ‘Don’t Stop Believing.’” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And every single time it turns out they lied (pheasant McNuggets)

"Mitt Romney wants to prove he's a regular guy, so he was someplace and he ordered a bucket of pheasant McNuggets." –David Letterman

They had a fundraising softball game at Yankee Stadium over the weekend, and do you know who played? New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. He had a great day at the plate. I'm talking about lunch.—David Letterman

"Soccer is one of those things that the rest of the world cares more about than we do – you know, like healthcare, education, gun control." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Soak it up, we'll probably never see anything like this again (His way of firing people is much more exciting than Donald Trump's)

As you probably know, the president canceled his June 12th meeting with Kim Jong Un today. Only Donald Trump could cancel a summit with Kim Jong Un in the morning and then have a meeting with Sylvester Stallone later in the day. Soak it up, we'll probably never see anything like this again. --Jimmy Kimmel

"Kim Jong Un reportedly had his defense chief executed after he fell asleep during a meeting. Not only did they execute him, they shot him with an anti-aircraft gun. I'd like to see NBC hire Kim Jong Un to host 'The Apprentice.' His way of firing people is much more exciting than Donald Trump's." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And every single time it turns out they lied (there’s no dog)

A United Airlines flight from Germany was forced to return to the airport after the toilet broke and leaked into the cabin. Though it’s the perfect punishment for people who take their shoes off on planes. —Colin Jost

A man diagnosed with schizophrenia has been given a support dog to help him determine what is real and what’s a hallucination. The craziest part is — there’s no dog. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

that’s like an early 2000s Charlie Sheen-caliber performance (Hunter Biden is like the son Donald Trump never had)

Last week, a federal grand jury charged Hunter Biden, the president’s son, with scheming to evade taxes on income from foreign businesses. The indictment accuses him of spending millions on “drugs, escorts and girlfriends, luxury hotels and rental properties, exotic cars, clothing and other items of a personal nature, in short, everything but his taxes. Hunter Biden is like the son Donald Trump never had. —Jimmy Kimmel

They say Hunter made more than $1.6 million in A.T.M. withdrawals. He spent around $683,000 on payments to various women; over $237,000 on health, beauty and pharmacy, which, you thought you had a long receipt at CVS. —Jimmy Kimmel

One hundred and eighty-eight thousand on adult entertainment, and a little over $71,000 on rehab and re-rehab and re-rehab for a grand total of almost $5 million, which is, I mean, that’s like an early 2000s Charlie Sheen-caliber performance. It’s impressive. —Jimmy Kimmel

The White House has reiterated, which, they reiterated that President Biden will not pardon Hunter if he is convicted of any crime, although they didn’t say anything about not dressing him up as a turkey next Thanksgiving and pardoning him then. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I achieved my position in the organization because I can make a calculator spell ‘boobs’ (Wonder Gums)

Don Jr’s claim of ignorance about what was in the financial documents he signed: “Your honor, I know nothing about finance or numbers. I achieved my position in the organization because I can make a calculator spell ‘boobs’. —Stephen Colbert

And on Wednesday, Don Jr reportedly instructed the courtroom sketch artist to make him look “sexy” and quipped that “both sides” of his face are the good one. It takes a lot of balls to hit on a sketch artist during your own trial. —Stephen Colbert

“[imitating Trump] How dare you come after my sweet, innocent children: Don Jr., Ivanka, and Eric, or, as I call them, Little Me, Lady Me and Wonder Gums.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Ahead of Donald Trump Jr.’s testimony in the Trump Organization’s ongoing civil fraud trial, former President Trump attacked the judge in an early morning post today on Truth Social and warned him to, ‘Leave my children alone,’ adding, ‘You know, like I did.’” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Abby Martin: Marxism 101: How Capitalism is Killing Itself with Dr. Richard Wolff

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

He tried to punch him back but his fist was intercepted and returned for a touchdown (It turns out that every single time they lied)

New York Jets quarterback Geno Smith broke his jaw yesterday in training camp after getting punched in the face by a teammate. Smith tried to punch him back but his fist was intercepted and returned for a touchdown. –Seth Meyers

“President Trump said in an interview yesterday that some men may feel insulted by Joe Biden’s decision to choose a woman as his running mate and added that Biden had, quote, ‘roped himself into a certain group of people.’ Lucky for Biden, that group of people is 51 percent of the population.” —Seth Meyers

A truck carrying 22,000 pounds of ravioli and jalapenos caught on fire while on a highway in Indiana — and immediately became Guy Fieri’s latest restaurant. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”