I don't know that that was the kind of dream Dr. King had in mind (as goes Guam so goes the election)

President Clinton had an embarrassing moment too. Between campaigning for his wife Hillary and pretending to have work to do to avoid going to bed with her, he is exhausted. He was supposed to be listening to Martin Luther King, III [on screen: Bill Clinton falling asleep]. I don't know that that was the kind of dream Dr. King had in mind initially." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Kim Kardashian is here tonight because she has a new book out. It's called 'Selfish.' It is 400 pages of pictures she took of herself. You know how you can't judge a book by its cover? This one you can." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, there are caucuses tomorrow in Wyoming and Guam, and, of course, as goes Guam so goes the election, so this is really very important." --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

when she goes to Buckingham Palace, the guards try to make her smile (his second-favorite king and queen)

President Trump and the first lady arrived in London on Tuesday ahead of a British state visit beginning Wednesday. It’s fun when the first lady joins President Trump, because when Melania goes to Buckingham Palace, the guards try to make her smile. — Jimmy Fallon

“Well, guys, President Trump just arrived in the U.K. for a state visit with King Charles and Queen Camilla. Charles and Camilla are Trump’s second-favorite king and queen, next to Burger and Dairy.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sorry, you're a hypocrite (They call them 'campaign contributions.')

"According to a new report, British Petroleum has the worst safety record of all the oil companies. They've paid over $372 million in fines. Oh, they don't call them fines. They call them 'campaign contributions.'" –Jay Leno

"BP is now saying they've captured anywhere from 35 percent to 75 percent of the oil that is gushing out of the well. Of course, you've got to keep in mind they usually lie anywhere from 85 percent to 95 percent of the time." –Jay Leno

"BP, which of course stands for 'Born Polluted,' is spending $50 million on a PR campaign to make themselves look good. In fact, they said they would burn the midnight oil if they hadn't spilled it." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I get the hint, Charles! (a bottle of wine and a straw)

And Teacher Appreciation Day is a great time to give your teacher a card or an apple or what they really deserve — a bottle of wine and a straw. --Jimmy Fallon

This week, the emperor of Japan is giving up the throne. If you want to know more, just read the 50 articles about it that Prince Charles taped to the Queen's fridge. "I get the hint, Charles!" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

waxing the rainforest (attorney-Meat Loaf privilege)

Plans are underway to build an erotic theme park in Brazil called “ErotikaLand.” In fact, Brazilian workers are already busy waxing the rainforest. –Conan O’Brien

One of President Trump's accusers is trying to subpoena recordings of Trump from "The Apprentice." However, Trump's legal team has refused, citing "attorney-Meat Loaf privilege." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm just going to throw these baseball mitts away (35 ex-wives)

One of the winners of this year's national spelling bee has an older brother who won the competition in 2014. Or as their dad put it, "I'm just going to throw these baseball mitts away." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rudy Giuliani says he may run for President. So now we're up to 7 candidates and 35 ex-wives." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he’s already paid two families to leave (The trick is to lift with your legs, not your back)

President Trump yesterday issued a statement calling for paid

family leave. Which is a little surprising until you remember that

he’s already paid two families to leave. –Seth Meyers

"A new poll finds that the majority of GOP voters say they can't

see themselves supporting Chris Christie. The trick is to lift with

your legs, not your back." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

The other 30% are either in a coma or in his cabinet. Or both. (The remaining 32% want to kick him right in the D)

President Trump’s favorability rating has been as low as 39%, the worst numbers since polling began. I gotta believe that’s hard to hear. Nothing Trump has done so far is particularly popular in any of these polls so far, but the thing that’s really dragging him down is his handling of the economy. An ABC poll found seven in 10 Americans thought the economy was “not so good” or “poor”. The other 30% are either in a coma or in his cabinet. Or both. —Stephen Colbert

Another poll showed that only 35% of Americans approve of Elon Musk. Perhaps related, Tesla’s income fell over 70% in the first quarter of the year. You cannot buy that kind of marketing. So Musk announced that starting in May, he will step back from the government and return to working with the company. Yes, he wants to be there personally at Tesla to offer all his most valued employees his sperm. —Stephen Colbert

In 100 days, how would the American people grade Donald Trump? According to a new NPR poll, 23% would give Trump an A grade, while 45% would give him the failing grade of F. The remaining 32% want to kick him right in the D. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Finally all of those midnight trips to the graveyard with the hunchbacked assistant have paid off (What did he say?)

“Over the weekend they gave Dick Cheney a heart transplant.

Finally all of those midnight trips to the graveyard with the

hunchbacked assistant have paid off.” –David Letterman

"March Madness goes from 64 teams to 32 to 16 to 8 to 4 to 2 and then 1. It's how Rush Limbaugh loses sponsors." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My staffers have been playing that prank on me for six months! (his worst nightmare)

I saw that Rob Kardashian just got engaged to model Blac Chyna. Yeah, “Blac Chyna.” Or as Donald Trump calls that, “his worst nightmare.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday was April Fool's Day and get this: Mitt Romney's staffers played a prank on him by staging a campaign event in an empty room. Or as Newt Gingrich put it, 'My staffers have been playing that prank on me for six months!'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The kids are taking it pretty hard (gum)

Scientists have created a gum that traps the herpes virus. But doctors say the hard part will be getting the gum out of the pubic hair. —Greg Gutfeld

According to a new study having a pet boosts well-being as much as having a spouse. It's true, and you can bury both in the backyard. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's be a lot cooler if you did (More important, how could you tell if they were?)

So AOC is being called out for flying first class to speak at a Bernie Sanders fight oligarchy rally. We haven't seen this kind of hypocrisy since R Kelly told me not to pee on the toilet seat. —Greg Gutfeld

Financial experts predict that Trump’s tariffs may increase the cost of Botox. So are its regular users concerned? More important, how could you tell if they were? —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

unless, you know, you’re feeling like an omelet (the world series of poker)

Elon Musk dresses like the first person eliminated from the world series of poker. —Jimmy Kimmel

“I tried something a little different this year. I set my clocks ahead four years. It didn’t work.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“When asked by reporters yesterday aboard Air Force One about the possibility of a recession, President Trump said that his tariffs will make the U.S. ‘so rich, you’re not going to know where to spend all that money’ — unless, you know, you’re feeling like an omelet.” — Seth Meyers

“During a Fox News interview, President Trump declined to rule out the possibility that his economic policies could cause a recession. Trump was, like, ‘Depends if we use my economic policies from this morning or this afternoon.’” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you thought Charles wouldn’t two-time you, you missed a whole season of The Crown (your 401 is not ’k)

President Trump is very thin-skinned, before talking about his recent meeting with Keir Starmer, who passed on an invitation from King Charles for a second state visit. Trump then saw Charles meeting with Volodymyr Zelenskyy and was privately fuming that the king makes other leaders feel special too. If you thought Charles wouldn’t two-time you, you missed a whole season of The Crown. —Stephen Colbert

The Dow Jones dropped 890 points. Now, I don’t know a lot of financial jargon, but let’s just say your 401 is not ’k.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They wake up to a hot cup of c*caine (Enola, your uncle’s longtime roommate)

This week has seen the stock market plummet with the Dow Jones index falling 890 points. Despite attempts, there is “no good way to spin the story” and the news has been “bumming out everybody on Wall Street” with those who work there reportedly exhausted. Do you know how hard it is to exhaust Wall Street? They wake up to a hot cup of cocaine and then just to take the edge off, more cocaine. —Stephen Colbert 

The ex-Fox News pundit turned military chief Pete Hegseth is “less DEI more DUI” but has been in charge of removing “scary woke words from the internet. This has included the deletion of a photo of the Enola Gay plane, which dropped an atomic bomb on Japan during the second world war. It has been replaced with a photo of Enola, your uncle’s longtime roommate. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

now we have the receipts for the condoms to prove it (lower than Rosie O’Donnell’s testicles)

Thanks to DOGE, we always knew they were screwing us now we have the receipts for the condoms to prove it. —Greg Gutfeld

The media is pushing the myth that Elon Musk is in it for himself. Have you seen Tesla's stock lately? It's lower than Rosie O’Donnell’s testicles. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So finally, some good news for Laker fans (American Exceptionalism)

Some scientists say it’s theoretically possible that there may be a universe where time moves backwards. So finally, some good news for Laker fans. –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump now says that this week he will allow 872 refugees into the United States; 872. Trump says the immigrants will arrive on Friday and start their modeling careers on Monday. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He announced that it was the anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Jam (subatomic particles)

"Scientists announced that they have detected a brand new subatomic particle. This particle is so tiny, it's actually smaller than the income tax rate paid by Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Wal-Mart announced it's cutting over 11,000 jobs. Wal-Mart said it's cheaper to fire people in bulk." –Jay Leno

"There was an embarrassing moment for Rick Perry. He announced that it was the anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Jam." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver (the psychological war of 2021)

"Newt Gingrich has released a new ad attacking Mitt Romney because he knows how to speak French. Well Mitt Romney is not the only one. Jon Huntsman speaks Chinese and Rick Perry speaks gibberish." –Jay Leno

"A dead body was discovered this week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth. The queen said today she hopes this serves as a reminder to anybody on her staff that there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The man says he's excited to spend the entire year drunk (moseying in)

A man in London just took Uber's one-billionth ride, and to celebrate, Uber gave him a year's worth of free rides. The man says he's excited to spend the entire year drunk. –Jimmy Fallon

China's new law allowing couples to have two children instead of just one went into effect in the new year. So if you thought you felt an earthquake, don't worry — it was just a billion people being told they were allowed to have unprotected sex at the exact same moment. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”