Finally, a way for immigrants to become citizens without having to marry Donald Trump (We get it! Winter is Coming!)

Windchill temperatures are expected to reach minus 50 in Chicago and minus 60 in Minneapolis. I’m going to say it. The viral marketing for Game of Thrones has gone too far! We get it! Winter is Coming! --Stephen Colbert

For the first time ever, Trump indicated that he is open to a path to citizenship for Dreamers. Finally, a way for immigrants to become citizens without having to marry Donald Trump. --Stephen Colbert

The union for air traffic controllers is worried because their members are not getting enough sleep. Due to the shutdown, unpaid air traffic controllers are waiting tables and driving for Uber in the time left over from their 10 hour shifts. That’s dangerous! You don’t want burnt out air traffic controllers waiting tables. You could end up with onion rings instead of fries. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I thought we had the only Governor who covered himself in baby oil (It's what happens when you're not an a**hole)

 

"The man who Cheney shot is named Harry Whittington. He's a high powered Republican lawyer, he was very lucky. They say the only reason that he wasn't killed is because he was wearing the body armor that never got shipped to our troops." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This is a great story. You've got the Vice President, a shotgun, a bunch of rich guys hunting tiny little birds. The only thing that could possibly make this story better is if he shot Michael Jackson." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Obviously, they're keeping the less popular Republicans out of the spotlight. President Bush gave a speech last night which couldn't have been more than five minutes long. Dick Cheney is in Azerbaijan, which I think is the farthest possible point from Minneapolis on the globe, and they actually locked Senator Larry Craig in the convention center men's room. Either that or he locked himself in, I'm not sure." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It has been revealed that Sarah Palin had a tanning bed installed in the Alaska Governor's mansion. All along, I thought we had the only Governor who covered himself in baby oil." --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Where do you see yourself exploding in the next five years? (The Great Wall of Chimichanga)

"The United States Senate today took some steps to keep illegal immigrants out of our 'American Idol' competitions. They voted to build a 370-mile long fence along the border between the U.S. and Mexico. They also announced that they're going to hire illegal immigrant workers to build it. The Senators voted overwhelmingly for the fence. As I said, it is 370 miles long. Unfortunately, the actual border with Mexico is more than 2,000 miles long. So, I guess the message is 'go around.' Tentatively, they're calling it 'The Great Wall of Chimichanga.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Obviously, they're keeping the less popular Republicans out of the spotlight. President Bush gave a speech last night which couldn't have been more than five minutes long. Dick Cheney is in Azerbaijan, which I think is the farthest possible point from Minneapolis on the globe, and they actually locked Senator Larry Craig in the convention center men's room. Either that or he locked himself in, I'm not sure." --Jimmy Kimmel

 

The government released hundreds of documents seized from Osama bin Laden's compound. Among the items is a job application for al-Qaida. It's like a regular job application except it asks questions like, "Where do you see yourself exploding in the next five years?"—Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they didn’t ticket the people they ran over for scuffing up the paint job (FBI Surveillance Van)

“Protests have erupted in America’s major cities and small town, and to show how not brutally violent they are, the police have responded with absolutely brutal violence. It is horrifying that the authorities are beating, gassing and running over peaceful protesters. They’re so out of control, I’m surprised they didn’t ticket the people they ran over for scuffing up the paint job.” —Samantha Bee

“Moreover, abuse in law enforcement is rarely met with accountability. Derek Chauvin, the officer who killed George Floyd, had at least 17 prior complaints against him. I don’t know the right number of complaints it should take to get a police officer fired, but it definitely should not be more than the number of stamps to get a free smoothie at Jamba Juice. And of the more than 2,600 misconduct complaints against Minneapolis police officers since 2012, only 12 resulted in an officer being disciplined.” —Samantha Bee

“There’s a point where you have to ask yourself, can it even be reformed? One bad flight, and you’re like ‘maybe we can make air travel better.’ But if every flight you take ends up in the Hudson River, you might think it’s time to defund Spirit Airlines.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Polls show the majority of Americans support the movement (Good news…? It’s a start)

“On the resilience of the protest movement in the wake of George Floyd’s killing by police officer Derek Chauvin in Minneapolis. Polls show the majority of Americans support the movement; one poll found that support for the Black Lives Matter movement among Americans has jumped to 53% from 42% a month ago. So, just over half of American voters believe Black people have the right to live. Good news…? It’s a start.” —Stephen Colbert

“After three weeks of protests, “now it’s time to put our money where our mouth is…just as soon as we take the slave owners off the money. This moment of economic and social turmoil has offered America a tremendous opportunity, but to do what? There’s incremental reform, such as a bill introduced by House Democrats to ban police chokeholds. And there’s more radical reform, such as the popular call to ‘defund the police’, meaning to divert funding poured into police departments to other community resources such as mental health services, social services and education. Right now, because those other services have been under-funded for years, all of that eventually falls to the police. And that’s way too many things for them to be doing. It’s like in the Middle Ages: it wasn’t a good idea that your barber was also your dentist and your surgeon. And saying ‘defund the barber’ doesn’t mean no one’s getting haircuts —– although admittedly right now, no one’s getting haircuts.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

That’s like Jamaica telling you to put down the bong (I miss those days)

“Well, we’re back after 10 days off, and I never imagined that after 10 days a global pandemic would not be the lead story. Remember when we were all afraid of our groceries? I miss those days.” —Stephen Colbert

“In Minneapolis, a group of Mennonites showed up to support the protests. Mennonites! Mennonites think America’s too racist, and they live in 1840!” —Stephen Colbert

“It’s not just U.S. citizens protesting racism in the United States — protesters gathered in London, Toronto, even Berlin. You know it’s bad when Germany thinks your country’s racist. That’s like Jamaica telling you to put down the bong.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The viral marketing for Game of Thrones has gone too far! (Winter is Coming!)

This story got our attention. A woman in Scotland was recently prescribed an eye cream, and she went home and used it before realizing that she had mistakenly been given erectile dysfunction cream. They mixed up the medications. Which means, somewhere, there’s a man out there wondering why he can see so clearly out of his penis. --James Corden

Windchill temperatures are expected to reach minus 50 in Chicago and minus 60 in Minneapolis. I’m going to say it. The viral marketing for Game of Thrones has gone too far! We get it! Winter is Coming! --Stephen Colbert

Speaking of things that Trump hopes aren’t real: The Mueller investigation. Trump confidant Roger Stone has been indicted on seven charges, and today he pled not guilty to all of them. So he claims to be innocent, but his Richard Nixon back tattoo begs to differ. --Stephen Colbert

Great news. Scientists are working on a pill for loneliness. We already have one. It’s called Cinnabon. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

he accidentally grabbed the wrong pen*s (I hate it when that happens)

"Idaho Sen. Larry Craig, a married, very anti-gay conservative Republican, was arrested by a plainclothes police officer for lewd conduct in a Minneapolis airport men's room. Today the senator's office said it was all a big misunderstanding. Apparently what happened was when the senator went in to use the restroom, he accidentally grabbed the wrong penis." --Jay Leno

"You know who I feel sorry for in this whole thing? The undercover cop. How would you like to have that job. Sit in an airport bathroom all day, your pants around your ankles with a coffee and a donut waiting for guys to hit on you." --Jay Leno

    

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

I'm gay and I'm proud! (Stage 3)

     

"In the New York Sunday Times, they mixed up a picture of Iraq with a picture of New Orleans. This even confused the White House. Bush saw the picture and accidentally sent money to New Orleans." --Jay Leno

"How about that poor Senator Craig from Idaho? So he gets arrested in a men's room there at the airport in Minneapolis. And here's the deal now. He's now in Stage One of a political sex scandal: defiance. Stage Two: stepping down to spend more time with his family. Stage Three: 'I'm gay and I'm proud!'" --David Letterman

      

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

every time he had to use the bathroom, he would fly to Minneapolis (#1 Polluter)

"Sen. Larry Craig said today yes he is gay, but he never inhaled." --Jay Leno

"See, I don't think his family was surprised by these revelations. In fact, today his wife said she first became suspicious because every time he had to use the bathroom, he would fly to Minneapolis." --Jay Leno

    

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

43rd Best President of the United States (what could go wrong there?)

   

"And here's a joke that pretty much writes itself. Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey, remember he resigned from office because he had a gay affair. Now he's enrolled in a seminary school to become a priest. You may fill in your own joke. A former married governor who was having anonymous gay sex at truck stops now wants to become a member of the clergy. Well what could go wrong there?" --Jay Leno

"The best Republican sex scandal continues to unfold today, as Senator Larry Craig plead guilty to a misdemeanor after he got caught in a police sting operation in the men's room of a Minneapolis airport. The terror alert level in our nation's airport bathrooms has been raised to lavender. Some members of the GOP are demanding the senator give up his seat, which when you think about it, that's how he got in trouble in the first place!" --Jimmy Kimmel

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

How about banning tag from the men's room at the Minneapolis airport?

"What do you think of this? An elementary school in Colorado has banned the game of tag. You think that's good? Hey forget banning tag in school. How about banning tag from the men's room at the Minneapolis airport?" --Jay Leno

"Over the weekend Senator Larry Craig resigned from the Senate. Thankfully he was able to do it quietly, before the whole thing turned into some kind of media circus. Thank God for that, how embarrassing if things had gotten out." --Jay Leno

"Senator Craig still insisting he is not gay. And today to prove it he went back to the Minneapolis airport and tried to solicit sex in the women's bathroom." --Jay Leno

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Conservatives in general, I don't know if you know this, frown on anonymous men's room sex

"Idaho Senator Larry Craig may retract that resignation depending on if he can get the disorderly conduct charge he plead guilty to after he played footsy with an undercover cop in the bathroom at that Minneapolis Airport, he's hoping to get that dropped. And say what you want about him, this man, he's got the fighting spirit of a Gloria Gaynor, he really does. Every move he makes shouts 'I will survive!' Needless to say, many of his fellow Republicans are not delighted by this turn of events. They want him to go because it's hurting the Republican party. Conservatives in general, I don't know if you know this, frown on anonymous men's room sex." --Jimmy Kimmel

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Bush thinks Trump needs to be more civil (new batch of fall pages)

    

"It seems there is a website that ranks men's rooms across the country for sex. This is true, the one that Senator Craig got caught in at the Minneapolis airport is Minnesota's number one cruising restroom for gay sex. See, all those times you thought those long lines were for security." --Jay Leno

    

"He's having second thoughts about resigning, and I was thinking, well, he should have had second thoughts about tapping his foot in the men's room. No, he's changed his mind and he's thinking he's going to stay in the Senate, and that occurred to him after he saw the new batch of fall pages." --David Letterman

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Alright, I'll have a little gay sex (stupidest boycott ever)

   

"There's a group of Larry Craig supporters now who are encouraging people to boycott the Minneapolis airport. Which might be the stupidest boycott ever. 'I'm sorry Grandma, we're not going to be able to visit you this Christmas, we could not do that to Senator Craig, we're boycotting.' Not only am I joining this boycott of the Minneapolis airport, I'm going to say this: I am refusing to have sex in any public bathroom until Senator Craig's name is cleared. Wait a minute, I should say gay sex, I won't have gay sex. Alright, I'll have a little gay sex." --Jimmy Kimmel

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

He wants to change his plea to extra guilty (Moon cheese)

"Several Jewish groups are upset because President Bush issued Rosh Hashanah greetings over a week early. So they're saying that Bush doesn't know when Rosh Hashanah is. Bush says he'll make up the mistake by sending them all something nice for Christmas" --Conan O'Brien

"Idaho Senator and Minneapolis airport toilet aficionado Larry Craig was in court yesterday trying to withdraw his guilty plea for disorderly conduct. He wants to change it, I guess, to extra guilty." --Jimmy Kimmel

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

for $10 he will autograph your penis (Jingle All The Way)

"At the California Republican State Convention last Friday, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was forced to whip out one of his trademark cinematic gems, saying the Republican Party is 'dying at the box office.' And I take very seriously warnings about dying at the box office from the man who made 'Jingle All The Way.'" --Stephen Colbert

"The bathroom stall at the Minneapolis airport where Larry Craig was arrested has now become a tourist attraction where people go to have their pictures taken. Not only that, for $10, Larry Craig will autograph your penis." --Conan O'Brien

    

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

I like to go to the men's rooms that the locals use, not some tourist trap (law and order guy)

"President Bush has tapped retired federal judge Michael Mukasey to replace Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Conservatives in Washington say Mukasey is a real 'law and order' guy. To which Bush said, 'He was on that TV show, too?'" --Jay Leno

"The airport bathroom in Minneapolis where Senator Larry Craig was arrested has become a tourist attraction. Isn't that unbelievable? See, when I travel, I like to go to the men's rooms that the locals use, not some tourist trap." --Jay Leno

      

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

CNN replaced him with an illegal immigrant (Happiest Place On Earth)

"Tourists are flocking to Minneapolis to the bathroom where Senator Larry Craig was arrested. It's like a tourist attraction. People are actually going to the airport now to see it. In fact, today Senator Craig called it 'The Happiest Place On Earth.' They have a sign at the door: 'Your stance must be this wide to get in.'" --Jay Leno

"CNN's Lou Dobbs will be off the air for two weeks after a tonsillectomy. I thought this was kind of mean. While he is recovering, CNN replaced him with an illegal immigrant." --Jay Leno

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

who better than Congress to show you how to make your business run more efficiently?

"In an upcoming interview with the gay magazine The Advocate, Hillary Clinton says the rumors about her being a lesbian are not true and she says she's never had sex with a woman, no matter how many times Bill has begged her to." --Jay Leno

"The old, toe-tapping senator from the great state of Idaho, Larry Craig has changed his mind and is not going to resign. You know what it is? I don't think he wants to give up the key to the executive washroom. You know that bathroom in the Minneapolis airport where he got caught? Well, the airport is now spending a ton of money to build new stall dividers that go all the way to the ground to make it a less inviting spot for sexual activity. And today, Senator Craig said, 'Minneapolis, tear down that wall!'" --Jay Leno

"Congress has been having hearings this week concerning the increasing number of late airline flights. Congress said they may have to intervene in order to help the airlines improve. And really, who better than Congress to show you how to make your business run more efficiently?" --Jay Leno

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans