Well apparently, some of the folks down there got blown more than once (harmful if swallowed)

"$1.4 billion in hurricane relief was spent on booze, was spent on vacations, spent on hookers. Well apparently, some of the folks down there got blown more than once." --David Letterman

"If President Bush is wiretapping my phone and listening to my calls, I think he actually should pay for half of the phone-sex bill." --David Letterman

 

"Dick Cheney and his buddies go down there hunting in Texas, and Dick Cheney guns down a guy. And they're hunting quail, and the quail disappeared. They vanished. And reports now that they're hiding in the mountainous area near Pakistan" --David Letterman

 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Top Ten Signs the Government Is Spying On You (A little pitchy)

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs the Government Is Spying On You

10. Your kitty has a satellite dish on his head.

9. At restaurant waiter urges, "Speak directly into the dinner rolls."

8. Your car's GPS unit has an awful lot of questions.

7. "Girl Scout" delivering your thin mints is 6'4, 270.

6. Keep finding underpants labeled "Agent Morales."

5. Mailman warns you, "This conversation may be recorded for quality control purposes."

4. NSA sends over sexy lingerie they'd like your wife to wear.

3. You sing in the shower, a mysterious voice responds, "A little pitchy."

2. There's a Navy Seal hiding in your fish tank.

1. Several times a week, you get chloroformed, stuffed in a trunk and dumped in Mexico

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He said he's going to Disneyland to wipe out the Pirates of the Caribbean (We're tapping your phones)

"Well, you've been watching the big score over the weekend, huh? Navy 3, pirates 0. Yeah! As you know, Navy Seals kicked some Somali pirate booty this weekend. I tell you, those Navy Seals, what incredible marksmen. They shot the three pirates without hitting the captain or any of the parrots that were sitting on the pirates' shoulders." --Jay Leno

"I tell you this, this Capt. Richard Phillips is a genuine American hero. He allowed himself to be taken hostage to save the lives of his crew. And did you know that this Captain Phillips used to be a cab driver in Boston? In fact, so were half the Somali pirates that kidnapped him." --Jay Leno

"Anyway, they asked Captain Phillips what he's going to do now. And he said he's going to Disneyland to wipe out the Pirates of the Caribbean. So I think he's a little wound up." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

it's being marketed more as a justification to attack Greece (big fat sex scandal)

"A lot of people have asked, 'Why the big response'? Isn't it obvious? He's a strong leader, he's spreading democracy, and in Albania, it is effectively still 2002. They only just started listening to Nellie. It's still okay to wear those plastic butterfly clips in your hair. And 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' has just opened in theatres. Though, over there, it's being marketed more as a justification to attack Greece." --Stephen Colbert

"So to the Albanians, the president has just recently launched a highly popular war in Afghanistan. There's no Iraq, no congressional page sex scandal, no Jack Abramoff, no wire-tapping, no secret prisons, no torture, no Valerie Plame, no Abu Ghraib, no no-bid contracts, no Hurricane Katrina, no attorney firings, no contents of Karl Rove's basement freezer. Oh. I'm sorry, I may have spoken too soon. I don't know if that one's broken yet. It's going to be big." --Stephen Colbert

A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-

collected-poems-1985-2015.html

First you steal our rainbows (And the city of New Orleans says...)

"Scooter Libby is going to jail unless President Bush acts quickly. And the city of New Orleans says, 'Good luck with Bush acting quickly.'" --Jay Leno

"I guess I have to mention it's Gay Pride Month. Congratulations, gay people -- I mentioned you. First you steal our rainbows and now you've managed to steal a whole month. Of course, you picked the month with the most weddings in it. You are determined to destroy the sanctity of marriage." --Stephen Colbert, from The Colbert Report

A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-

collected-poems-1985-2015.html

You thought you hated it when your kid moved back home after graduation (illegal and scandalous activities)

"CNN has video from the Middle East of a suicide bomber graduation ceremony. 300 suicide bombers graduated. You thought you hated it when your kid moved back home after graduation." --Jay Leno

"The CIA has released some documents that detail illegal and scandalous activities they were involved in more than 30 years ago. The activities include wiretapping of phones, warrantless searches and opening citizens' mail. Thank God that kind of thing can't happen today." --Jay Leno

A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-

collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Bush thought he was meeting the professor from the Hogwarts school (the planting of bugs)

"Yesterday at Camp David, President Bush signed a bill into law that expands his wiretapping powers. President Bush said he knew the bill would pass because he had bugs planted in both houses of Congress." --Jay Leno

  

"Today in Washington, President Bush met with the president of Afghanistan, who was wearing that hat and the robe. President Bush was a little confused. He thought he was meeting the professor from the Hogwarts school." --Jay Leno

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JohnHulsecollectedpoems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

A new study found that angry men get ahead in the world (guns & hypocrisy)

"President Bush signed a law on Sunday that broadly expands the government's authority to eavesdrop on our telephone calls and e-mails without a warrant. So, our phone calls are being watched. Our e-mails are being watched. The only thing not being watched? NBC." --Jay Leno

"A new study found that angry men get ahead in the world. Angry men tend to beat their rivals for power. Finally some good news for John McCain." --Jay Leno

      

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JohnHulsecollectedpoems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

You don't even know they're there (kinda like a government wiretap)

"President Bush had his annual physical. And next week, Vice President Dick Cheney will have his annual autopsy. The White House revealed that last year President Bush was treated for lyme disease. This disease is spread by ticks that burrow under your skin. You don't even know they're there. You know, kinda like a government wiretap." --Jay Leno

"This week, the government announced a new operation to crack down on the hiring of illegals here in Los Angeles. It's called Operation You're Going To Have To Cut Your Own Lawn and Raise Your Own Kids." --Jay Leno

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

No need to call now, your phones have already been tapped (greatest hits)

"But that was just the start. Chris Wallace got Karl Rove's Sunday morning talk show tour going [on screen: FNC's Wallace saying, 'Let's take a look at some of Karl Rove's greatest hits']. Ohh, I just bought that on K-Tel! 'Karl Rove's Greatest Hits,' including 'John McCain's Black Baby,' 'Max Cleland: The One-Limbed Pussy,' 'The Queers Are Coming,' and, of course, 'Schiavo-A-Go-Go.' No need to call now, your phones have already been tapped." --Jon Stewart

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Nice to see he has an escape strategy (that's his number one guess)

"Big weekend for President Bush, you all heard about this. Over the weekend President Bush left the White House in an unmarked car and took a top secret trip to Iraq. In fact, the trip was so secret, President Bush still doesn't know where he was. It was hot and there were foreign guys. Mexico, that's his number one guess." --Conan O'Brien

"How about that President Bush, yesterday made a surprise visit to Iraq. I don't know whether it was jet lag or if he was just confused, but he served the troops Thanksgiving dinner. President Bush was in Iraq for 8 hours. Nice to see he has an escape strategy." --David Letterman

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

I can only assume baseball starts again on Monday? (I'm Deeply Sorry)

Now if you are sad the series is over, remember that there are 162 games in a baseball season, so I can only assume baseball starts again on Monday? –James Corden

The Dodgers lost in seven games, but in L.A. they talk about baseball a little differently. Here they say, they say that the Dodgers were canceled after seven episodes. –James Corden

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

for $10 he will autograph your penis (Jingle All The Way)

"At the California Republican State Convention last Friday, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was forced to whip out one of his trademark cinematic gems, saying the Republican Party is 'dying at the box office.' And I take very seriously warnings about dying at the box office from the man who made 'Jingle All The Way.'" --Stephen Colbert

"The bathroom stall at the Minneapolis airport where Larry Craig was arrested has now become a tourist attraction where people go to have their pictures taken. Not only that, for $10, Larry Craig will autograph your penis." --Conan O'Brien

    

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Isn't everybody gay?/UPS drivers/Records are made to be broken (I'm deeply sorry)

"In Iran, homosexuals can be executed for being gay, but only if a homosexual act is witnessed by four other Iranian men. So, they've got four men watching two other men have sex. Isn't everybody gay?" --Jay Leno

"The Iranian president also said there are no lesbians in Iran either. Really? In that whole country, there isn't one whole female UPS driver? I don't think so."  --Jay Leno

"In Utah, polygamy sect leader Warren Jeffs has been convicted. The guy's got 80 wives. 80 wives at the same time. In fact, when Rudy Giuliani heard that, he said, 'Records are made to be broken.'"  --Jay Leno

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

I'm deeply sorry/torture/wiretapping/body armor/Kevin Bacon

According to The Washington Post, in July of 2016, former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort offered to provide private briefings on the presidential race to a Russian billionaire who is close with Vladimir Putin. So Paul Manafort was the campaign manager for Donald Trump, and he met with a billionaire who was friends with Putin, who was in a movie with Kevin Bacon! I did it! –Seth Meyers

A teacher in South Carolina has been suspended after she gave her 5th grade class a homework assignment asking them to justify the KKK’s treatment of African-Americans. Also suspended — the kid who got an A. –Seth Meyers

   

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #FeeltheBern #repealreplacerepublicans

Melania Trump spent this morning thanking Hillary Clinton (private parts)

Huma Abedin and soon-to-be ex-husband Anthony Weiner say that they want to keep their divorce proceedings private. However, Weiner insisted he’s still going to keep his [private parts] public. –Conan O’Brien

President Trump was very busy all night tweeting about Hillary Clinton. And as a result, Melania Trump spent this morning thanking Hillary Clinton. –Conan O’Brien

    

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #FeeltheBern #repealreplacerepublicans

he didn't want to have to be in a position to have to get CPR from Mitt Romney

"Actually, it was kind of a smart choice. McCain went with a woman because he didn't want to have to be in a position to have to get CPR from Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"Palin and McCain are a good pair. She's pro-life and he's clinging to life." –Jay Leno

"President Bush called Gov. Palin and congratulated her. Bush told Palin the job of vice president is very important because as vice president, you get to tell the president what to do." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535

By moral standards, he was a self-righteous landfill of angry garbage (madness and cannibalism)

They celebrated O’Reilly’s career, saying, “By ratings standards, Bill O’Reilly is one of the most accomplished TV personalities in the history of cable news.” By rating stands he is. By moral standards, he was a self-righteous landfill of angry garbage. –Stephen Colbert

Huge election last night in Georgia’s 6th District. It was an unusual election. It was what’s called a “jungle primary,” because like every election this year, it will probably end in madness and cannibalism. –Stephen Colbert

Sure enough, Ossoff only got 48.1 percent of the vote. If he had gotten over 50 percent of the vote, he would have won outright, but he got less than the majority, so now I think he gets to be president of the United States. Is that how it works? –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

In one trip, you can get a 20 gallon pack of mayonnaise and a six pack of hookers

"I haven't been on the show for a while, but for some reason when this scandal about hookers broke, I looked out the window and there was a helicopter waiting to take me to the studio. It is good to have a specialty. Turns out I was more needed than I thought. This scandal is raising all sorts of questions. [on screen: news anchors asking, 'How would a guy like Governor Spitzer actually do it?

Does he pay in cash? Does his real name appear somewhere? How does the check get written? We're talking about $5,000. How do you develop a credit with the prostitution ring is another aspect of the story I don't quite understand']. Please, like you don't know. Guys pay women for sex? No! Okay, let me try and explain this. When a man loves a woman for very much, they share a very special kind of transaction.

Maybe I'm going too fast. Let me break this down. First off, cost. Spitzer paid $4300 for two hours with a hooker. I know that sounds pricey. I mean for that much money, you could buy a used Honda and [bleep] it. But the service the governor used was extra fancy. For God sake, it's called the Emperor's Club. You want discounts, go to Sam's Emperor Club. They sell in bulk. In one trip, you can get a 20 gallon pack of mayonnaise and a six pack of hookers." --Lewis Black

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JusticeDemocrats #Bernie2020

JOKES: the Trump administration brought in six Hot Pockets for questioning

This week, President Trump will meet with a Saudi prince. The man born into immense wealth with multiple wives and an exotic head covering says he can’t wait to meet the Saudi prince. –Conan O’Brien

White House Adviser Kellyanne Conway suggested that President Obama could have spied on Donald Trump through a microwave oven. Which is why today the Trump administration brought in six Hot Pockets for questioning. –Conan O’Brien

This weekend, we all moved our clocks ahead by one hour. In other words, that’s our show, goodnight everybody! –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html