Harry Potter and the Toupee of Doom (they set up the other party to inflict new evils)

Journalist Bob Woodward's new book detailing life within the Trump administration sold more than 750,000 copies in its first day of release. I guess it was pretty smart of him to call the book "Harry Potter and the Toupee of Doom." --Seth Meyers

China is now home to the world’s longest glass bottom bridge, which hangs 600 feet over a canyon. It’s a great moneymaker. Access to the bridge is free, but they charge $400 for new pants. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If we don't fight we've already lost (Harry Potter and the Toupee of Doom)

A company in California will unveil the world’s first talking sex robot in January. Because that’s what people who buy sex robots want: follow-up questions. –Seth Meyers

Journalist Bob Woodward's new book detailing life within the Trump administration sold more than 750,000 copies in its first day of release. I guess it was pretty smart of him to call the book "Harry Potter and the Toupee of Doom." --Seth Meyers

Sen. Ted Cruz yesterday responded to the reaction to his Twitter account “liking” a pornographic tweet, and said that “people ought to be able to do what they want in their own bedrooms.” Although after hearing about Ted Cruz watching porn, nobody feels like doing anything in their bedrooms anymore. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Hey, give that back! I danced my butt off for that money (You mean my tape recorder?)

The Tom Hanks movie "Sully," about the miracle on the Hudson, landed in theaters this weekend, which was pretty shocking because it was supposed to land in Charlotte. –Seth Meyers

A New York man was arrested this morning after allegedly stealing $600 from the bra of a 93-year-old woman. The woman was like, "Hey, give that back! I danced my butt off for that money." –Seth Meyers

President Trump on Friday claimed the quotes in Bob Woodward's book were made up and that Woodward uses every trick in the book to demean and belittle. Said Woodward, "You mean my tape recorder?" --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Follow the Money - All the President's Men (1976)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

GOP launches new legislative effort to control women's pancreases (It’s his version of phone sex)

October 2022

“The Trump tapes have been released by journalist Bob Woodward. Over the course of his presidency, Trump called Woodward repeatedly at unexpected hours to talk because there’s nothing he likes doing more than talking about himself. It’s his version of phone sex.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Why are you agreeing to do 20 interviews on tape with the guy who took down Richard Nixon with tapes? The emperor has no brain.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Adidas has ended its partnership with Kanye West, which was terrible news for people who love shoes that look like severed alien feet.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“As the backlash against West grows – he’s been dropped by his agent, Vogue, Balenciaga, Adidas, and a studio has shelved a completed documentary about him – West seems to be doubling down by purchasing the rightwing social media app Parler. I’m interested to see how this will pan out for Parler – I mean, you really don’t want Kanye West to acquire you. It’s sort of like when Godzilla acquires Tokyo. And the truth is, the right wing has a lot of different sites to post on besides Parler already. There’s Truth Social, there’s Gab, there’s Get Her, there’s hater, there’s liar, there’s active shooter, sore loser – there’s never been more places to go to complain you’re being silenced.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

All that talk about launching missiles, it was right in front of us the whole time (You’re living your dreams!)

October 2022

“In England there is some dissatisfaction with Rishi Sunak as prime minister – not because of Sunak’s policies or immense personal wealth, but his skin color. As one caller to a British radio show put it: ‘Could you imagine me becoming the prime minister of Pakistan? Or Saudi Arabia? No! These things matter … Eighty-five per cent of English people are, yes, white English people. And they want to see a prime minister who reflects them.’ This guy has a good point – could you imagine if white English people wanted to rule countries where no one looked like them? That would never happen! Can you imagine that world? It’s funny how racists always say, ‘oh, colonization was fine, it was just business.’ Until they feel like they’re being colonized. Then they’re like, ‘something needs to be done!’ British racists are looking at this all wrong. This could be a good thing for you people. After 400 years you’ll get to legitimately blame a brown person for your country’s problems. You’re living your dreams!” —Trevor Noah

“We relished the heckling delivered to the most repulsive man in America, Texas senator Ted Cruz, when he attended an American League championship game between the Yankees and the Houston Astros. The Astros won and will now face the Phillies in the World Series. You know, you would think Ted Cruz would be unwelcome in a place like the Bronx, and if you did think that, you would be correct. There are videos of fans shouting numerous expletives at Cruz. So even though they lost the game, I think New York won the battle last night.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump, sat for more than 20 interviews with journalist Bob Woodward over the course of 2020. Woodward previewed some of the tapes that he plans to release, which included audio of Trump waxing poetic about the North Korean leader, Kim Jong-un. ‘You meet somebody, and you have a good chemistry, and there is a lot of truth to it,’ Trump said. ‘You meet a woman. In one second, you know whether or not it’s all going to happen. OK? We had very good chemistry together.’ Wait a minute … did Donald Trump have sex with Kim Jong-un? I didn’t even know they were dating! All that talk about launching missiles, it was right in front of us the whole time.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Seems Like the Kind of Thing He’d Do, but Who Knows? (Then what, Jesus?)

October 2021

“Southwest Airlines has had a chaotic week. Fox News reported that its recent flight cancellations were caused by vaccine mandates. Meyers noted that Tucker Carlson admitted that he “couldn’t say for certain” that the mandate had caused the issue, but reported they were behind them, anyway. You can’t say for certain? Well, then, please, by all means, put it on television. We all know that’s how journalism works. Who can forget the famous Woodward and Bernstein headline, ‘Did Nixon Do Watergate? Seems Like the Kind of Thing He’d Do, but Who Knows?”—Seth Meyers

“I’ll never tire of Tucker’s ‘just asking questions’ routine: [imitating Tucker Carlson] ‘Were these protests against Biden’s vaccine mandate? Did Joe Biden secretly replace all the real pilots with communist antifa woke-anistas, or were the delays caused because the flight attendants refused to give you a second bag of Biscoff cookies when you asked for one?’” —Seth Meyers

“American, Southwest, United, JetBlue, Alaska — most of the major airlines have mandates. The only big one that I know that doesn’t have it is Delta, which is nuts. If any airline should have a vaccine mandate, it’s the one named after the variant.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I suggest renaming it ‘AAAAGGH!’ (what a cheap b*st*rd)

September 2021

“A final preview of a new, chilling tell-all on the final days of the Trump presidency. Bob Woodward and Robert Costa, the two Washington Post journalists’ book, Peril, details events in the White House between the 2020 election and the 6 January insurrection at the Capitol by a pro-Trump mob. After reading the book, I think the title isn’t strong enough. I suggest renaming it ‘AAAAGGH!’” —Stephen Colbert

“Peril is full of things you wish you didn’t need to know, such as that chairman of the joint chiefs of staff Mark Milley was worried Trump might launch a nuclear strike to distract from the election, and that Trump’s legal team laid out a six-step plan for Mike Pence to overturn the election as vice-president. It’s disturbing, but it’s easy to see why they gave the job to Pence. Everyone knows the former president has a hard time taking six steps.” —Stephen Colbert

“In other news, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced a $1 Billion donation from his Bezos Earth Fund to protect 30% of Earth’s land and sea, which sounds like a lot until you realize he’s worth $200 Billion. Why not spend another $3 Billion and protect 100% of the earth’s land and sea? Of course, what he doesn’t mention is he’s protecting the earth from himself. Is it possible to destroy the planet and save it at the same time? Jeff Bezos: the only guy who’s so rich that when you hear he donated a billion dollars to charity you’re like, ‘what a cheap bastard.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

China was afraid the former president was going to bomb his daughter’s purse factories (his children’s birthdays)

September 2021

“There is a new Trump tell-all book by journalists Bob Woodward and Robert Costa, which documented that two days after the 6 January insurrection, the joint chiefs of staff chairman, General Mark Milley, feared Trump would launch a nuclear war. That is a bombshell revelation – a bombshell about a bombshell that could bring about the revelation. According to Peril, Milley took ‘top secret’ action to prevent Trump from potentially ordering a dangerous military strike. What he did was he changed the nuclear codes to something the president would never be able to figure out: his children’s birthdays.” —Stephen Colbert

“The book also reveals that even China was nervous about a potential attack, due to increased tensions over military exercises in the South China Sea and Trump’s belligerent rhetoric. That’s how serious it was: China was afraid the former president was going to bomb his daughter’s purse factories.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They are literally putting a Band-Aid on the problem of racism (Nixon Christ Superstar)

“This is an interesting sign of the times, a small show of progress, perhaps. Johnson and Johnson announced via Instagram their plan to help heal our nation’s wounds, a line of racially inclusive Band-Aids. The Johnsons wrote: ‘We hear you. We see you. We’re listening to you.  We stand in solidarity with our Black colleagues, collaborators and community in the fight against racism, violence and injustice.’ They are literally putting a Band-Aid on the problem of racism.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“But good for Band-Aids for finally opening things up beyond the shade they’ve been using for a hundred years, a color known internally as ‘Ed Sheeran’s Neck.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Former national security adviser John Bolton’s new book is called The Room Where It Happened, a reference to the musical Hamilton, which is kinda weird – it’s like if Woodward and Bernstein called their book Nixon Christ Superstar.” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Sasha and Malia announced they support Sarah Palin (No word yet on the mental)

"Bob Woodward has written a book which states that the White House agonized over the decision to leave Iraq. Too bad no one agonized over the decision to go into Iraq." –David Letterman

"On the 'Today' show, President Obama said he supports having a longer school year. In response, Sasha and Malia announced they support Sarah Palin." –Jimmy Fallon

"Good news from the White House. President Bush last week had his annual physical and he passed. He passed his annual physical. No word yet on the mental." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The secret to living well and longer is: (and 100% of Ladies Gaga)

"Everybody is talking about Bob Woodward's new book, 'Obama's War.' In the book, he says Joe Biden called Middle East advisor Richard Holbrooke, 'the most egotistical bastard I've ever met.' Then Rahm Emanuel's like, 'What am I, invisible?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell is supported by 82% of Democrats, 64% of Republicans and 100% of Ladies Gaga." –Jon Stewart

"As you know, Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell has come out against masturbation. Well, she is already paying a heavy price for taking this stance. In fact, today, the powerful hand lotion lobby has endorsed her opponent." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Trump ties, hats, flags, buttons, socks, etc. (But I’m not the father)

According to reports, President Trump could impose $200 billion in new tariffs on Chinese goods as soon as next Monday, so don't be surprised if you see prices rise on several Chinese goods — like Trump ties, Trump hats, Trump flags, Trump buttons, Trump socks, or everything else Trump makes.  --Seth Meyers

Germany today launched a service on the world's first passenger trains that run on hydrogen — unlike here in New York, where the trains run on occasion.  --Seth Meyers

According to journalist Bob Woodward’s new book, President Trump once told Rudy Giuliani that he was a baby. And then out of habit he added, “But I’m not the father.” --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

OK, I'm starting to realize why Trump's casinos went bankrupt (make more ice cubes)

Bob Woodward's book, "Fear: Trump in the White House," was released on Tuesday and it's setting all kinds of sales records. It sold 750,000 copies in one day. Yeah. This comes after both "Fire and Fury" and Omarosa's book also exposed chaos in the Trump administration. Now, credit where credit is due — Trump is "Making America Read Again." --James Corden

According to one excerpt, Donald Trump suggested that the government should just "print more money." Oh, OK, I'm starting to realize why Trump's casinos went bankrupt. --James Corden

If you think Trump's economic ideas are crazy, you should hear Trump's plan for global warming. He thinks the government should just make more ice cubes. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Harry Potter and the Toupee of Doom (That tweet is so offensive)

President Trump today claimed that Democrats manufactured the death toll of Hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico to make him look as bad as possible adding, quote, "If a person dies for any reason like old age, just add them onto the list." Oh, my God. That tweet is so offensive, even the Twitter bird tried to distance himself [graphic of Twitter bird flying away]. --Seth Meyers

Journalist Bob Woodward's new book detailing life within the Trump administration sold more than 750,000 copies in its first day of release. I guess it was pretty smart of him to call the book "Harry Potter and the Toupee of Doom." --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

That would be like putting a smoke detector in Willie Nelson's dressing room (You mean Kung Fu Panda?)

Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said yesterday that the White House is not considering conducting lie detector tests to uncover the author of the anonymous op-ed published in The New York Times. Because putting a lie detector in the White House would be like putting a smoke detector in Willie Nelson's dressing room. --Seth Meyers

According to journalist Bob Woodward's new book, Sen. Lindsey Graham once urged President Trump to encourage the Chinese government to assassinate North Korean leader Kim Jong Un and replace him with someone they control. Said Trump, "You mean Kung Fu Panda?" --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Make me a trillion copies (Voting Republican)

I heard that South Korea has stress cafes where people can go to take a break from their day, or as they are known here in America, bars. --Jimmy Fallon

Bob Woodward says Trump's plan to eliminate the federal debt was just to print more money. Before his staff could stop him, Trump ran to Kinko's with a $100 bill and said, "Make me a trillion copies." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

wait, I forget. Whose denials are false? (Screw it. Let's grab a beer)

Chief of Staff John Kelly also denied a lot of things Woodward wrote about him. Then Woodward said, "Kelly is wrong in denying those things." As you can imagine, Kelly didn't like that. So he responded saying, "I refute Woodward's denial that my claims that he was lying are true." Woodward heard that and fought back, saying, "I reject Kelly's refuting of my denial that claims that he was lying are true." And then Kelly responded, "I object to Woodward's rejection of my — wait, I forget. Whose denials are false?" --Jimmy Fallon

Then Woodward said, "Yeah, hold on a second. I'm pretty sure that my rejection of your denial of my refusal is true, right?" Then Kelly said, "Wait, there was a refusal? I don't remember a refusal. Who refused what?" Then Woodward said, "Wait, I think I got it. You rejected my denial of your claim from my — you know what? Screw it. Let's grab a beer." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

if the drive-thru were run by an alligator and his stripper girlfriend (We're awake, Bob!)

Recently passengers on a United Airlines flight from Scotland to New Jersey got a bit of a shock when the pilot came out of the cockpit, changed out of his uniform, and fell asleep in a first-class seat. The only way this could have been more concerning for the passengers is if the pilot also had an emotional support dog. --James Corden

A couple in Florida was just arrested for selling drugs out of their mobile home after police noticed that they had constructed — and we're not making this up — a drive-thru window. The only way this story could be more Florida is if the drive-thru were run by an alligator and his stripper girlfriend. --James Corden

During an interview yesterday, Bob Woodward, the veteran journalist and author of a new book detailing the chaos and insanity inside the Trump administration, concluded by saying that people need to "wake up" to what's going on in the White House. Wake up? We're awake, Bob! We're awake! I haven't had a full night's sleep in two years! --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Betsy DeVos believes it means strawberry milk for everyone (You mean my tape recorder?)

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders held her first press briefing today in almost three weeks. And you could tell she was a little rusty — because she almost answered a question. --Seth Meyers

President Trump on Friday claimed the quotes in Bob Woodward's book were made up and that Woodward uses every trick in the book to demean and belittle. Said Woodward, "You mean my tape recorder?" --Seth Meyers

An all-red cow was born in Jerusalem this week, which some believe fulfills a biblical prophecy to "reinstate purity to the world." While Education Secretary Betsy DeVos believes it means strawberry milk for everyone. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”