Easter eggs are so expensive Americans are dying potatoes instead. Speaking of dying potatoes, Rosie O’Donnell is still in Ireland. —Greg Gutfeld
According to a new study monkeys are better yodelers than humans. This is from the Journal of Who Gives a Sh*t. —Greg Gutfeld
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Door Dash will soon allow customers to pay for food deliveries in several installments. Great news if you've ever dreamed of one day owning a Big Mac. —Greg Gutfeld
According to one nutritionist the best way to lose weight is to eat like a baby. The tough part is getting your mom to hold still. —Greg Gutfeld
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Thirteen monkeys are still on the loose in South Carolina after a dramatic escape last week week from a research facility. In a related story, Lindsey Graham has come down with monkeypox. —Greg Gutfeld
George Clooney is taking a step back from politics after being blamed for Kamala Harris’s loss. He says he will stay out of the public eye by continuing to make movies. —Greg Gutfeld
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
A group of scientists say they have been able to give paralyzed monkeys back the control of their legs using new implants. Monkeys who got their implants were like, “My eyes are up here.” –Seth Meyers
Donald Trump won the presidential election last night and then, out of habit, Kellyanne Conway said, “No, he didn’t!” –Seth Meyers
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Police in South Carolina are warning residents to stay indoors with doors and windows shut after 40 monkeys escaped from a medical research facility. Even worse, they were researching extra strength Viagra. —Colin Jost
A new study finds that just five minutes a day of vigorous exercise can help lower blood pressure, which you can easily achieve if you cross paths with those Viagra monkeys. —Colin Jost
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Today was National Thrift Shop Day. And to celebrate, our president is 99 percent off. –Seth Meyers
Despite no longer working for Donald Trump, former campaign strategist Roger Stone said today that he still fully supports his former boss. At which point, Trump said, “OK, cut him down.” –Seth Meyers
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
This morning, Donald Trump told reporters that the planned meeting with Kim Jong Un "may not work out," adding, "If it doesn't happen, maybe it will happen later." They made a commemorative coin for something that may not happen. That's like the Cleveland Browns making rings that say, "Super Bowl Champions Eventually. Someday. Maybe. Who Knows?" --James Corden
A coffee company has recalled 65,000 cans of coffee beans over concerns that opening them could cause the lids to fly off and hit people in the face. Although, it saves you a step. Usually you have to drink the coffee to wake up in the morning, but this will take care of that. The coffee company is really trying to put a positive spin on the story. They're marketing this as their brand-new drink, the “Slappuccino.” --James Corden
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
Saudi Arabia just announced they will let women drive. Women say that they're excited, and can't wait to drive straight out of Saudi Arabia. –Jimmy Fallon
New research shows that monkeys enjoy movies, and can even follow plot lines. So if you're keeping score — that's monkeys: one, my mom: zero. "Who's he? Is that the bad guy?" "It's a commercial, mom." –Jimmy Fallon
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
When asked about the possibility that Mexico might not agree to pay for his border wall, Donald Trump said, "The wall just got 10 feet higher.” People in Mexico were like, “OK, well, our tunnels are exactly the same." –Jimmy Fallon
While Donald Trump was speaking at a rally in Atlanta, the lights suddenly went out and Trump said he actually liked it more in the dark. Then Melania Trump said, “Join the club.” –Jimmy Fallon
The other big news is that Donald Trump won all 50 delegates in Saturday's South Carolina primary. So if you're paying attention, this is the official point when people go from saying, “Oh, this is kinda fun!” to saying, “Oh my God, this is really happening!” –Jimmy Fallon
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
The Dallas Zoo has been dealing with disappearance of several animals including a leopard, monkeys and a vulture. In an unrelated story, check out my amazing coat. —Colin Jost
A 23 year old chihuahua in Ohio named Spike has been officially named the world’s oldest living dog. The secret to Spike’s long life, a lot of chihuahuas look the same. —Colin Jost
Chipotle has announced plans to prepare for its busiest time of the year, which they are calling Burrito Season, and toilets are calling The Apocalypse. —Colin Jost
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
A zoo in Atlanta will allow visitors to carry firearms. [Picks up a gun] ‘So you want to try laughing at me again, monkeys?’ —Colin Jost
A linguistics expert has released a list of the most beautiful sounding baby names with the top spots going to Matthew and Sophia, while the worst sounding names are Moist and Slurp. —Colin Jost
Police in Oregon are warning residents about several hand grenades that have washed ashore on a beach. The hand grenades were discovered when one beach goer said, ‘Mommy, look at this shell I fou….’. —Colin Jost
An Arizona woman was arrested after she allegedly went day drinking while her five month old child was sitting home alone. Like a Loser! —Colin Jost
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"It was announced last night that President Obama wants to send $250 checks to over 57 million American seniors. When he heard the news, John McCain was like, 'Forget everything I said, this guy's awesome!'" –Jimmy Fallon
At the debate on Tuesday Democratic candidate Lincoln Chafee bragged about the fact that in 30 years of public service, he’s never had one scandal. Well, it just came out that Chafee once used taxpayer money to buy frogs for his office aquarium. People said, “Well at least it wasn't a sex scandal.” And Chafee said, “Riiiight…” –Jimmy Fallon
New research shows that monkeys enjoy movies, and can even follow plot lines. So if you're keeping score — that's monkeys: one, my mom: zero. "Who's he? Is that the bad guy?" "It's a commercial, mom." –Jimmy Fallon
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“In business news. JetBlue has officially announced that it will buy Spirit Airlines for $3.8 billion. Yeah, 3.8 billion. Yeah. What’s crazy is that Spirit still charged them $30 for a carry-on bag.” —Trevor Noah
“Yes. JetBlue and Spirit, it’s the perfect marriage between broken TVs and broken planes.” —Jimmy Fallon
“That’s right, Spirit agreed to a deal with JetBlue and canceled their merger with Frontier Airlines. Today, Frontier was like, ‘Well, it’s Spirit, how did we not see this cancellation coming?’” —Jimmy Fallon
“But, I mean, this is a smart move for JetBlue. You know, a lot of people are confused. They’re like, ‘Why?’ But it makes sense. As a business you want to diversify, you know? Think about it — why just be an airline when you can be both an airline and a flying Porta-Potty?” —Trevor Noah
http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"Barack Obama is not the only one on the hot seat right now. The CEO of BP is taking a lot of flak. His name is Tony Hayward. Today, President Obama had a meeting with Hayward at the White House. It got off to the wrong start. Hayward arrived in a Hummer limo powered by baby seals." –Craig Ferguson
"This is the first time that two women have been on the International Space Station at the same time. That can only mean one thing: zero-gravity pillow fight." –Craig Ferguson
"NASA says that there may be 100 times more water on the moon than they thought. There's so much water that BP is planning to go there and ruin it." –Craig Ferguson
"Head of BP Tony Hayward didn't take any questions after his White House meeting today. Probably a good thing. He's great at destroying ecosystems, but not so great at talking. Hayward has said: 'No one wants this thing over more than I do. I'd like my life back.' Tony, I'm so sorry you had your summer disrupted. I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that, too. And make me clean it up." –Craig Ferguson
http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Dick Cheney said Donald Trump’s comments yesterday
go against everything America stands for. Cheney said,
"In other words, he’s got my full support."
–Conan O’Brien
The CEO of Lego will be replaced next year.
The new CEO’s head is being snapped on as
we speak. –Conan O’Brien
A spokeswoman for Roy Moore has defended him,
saying there are plenty of women in Alabama that he
didn’t sexually abuse. She said, "We prefer to look at
the glass as 'half-ungroped.'" –Conan O’Brien
According to a new poll, only 19% of New Jersey
residents approve of their governor, Chris Christie.
And they’re all restaurant owners. –Conan O’Brien
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“Guys, I saw that United Airlines has instructed its flight crew not to use duct tape when dealing with unruly passengers. Don’t use it, yeah. Flight attendants heard and were like, ‘OK, Tasers it is.’” —Jimmy Fallon
“That’s right, United isn’t allowed to use duct tape, while passengers on Frontier Airlines will now be wheeled onboard like Hannibal Lecter.” —Jimmy Fallon
“Yeah, according to the memo, United is against using duct tape unless it’s holding up one of their engines. That’s where they draw the line.” —Jimmy Fallon
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night
of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
