They’re also not thrilled about the new James Brown biopic starring Benedict Cumberbatch (Pantsuit Email Crunch)

A lot of people are upset because in a new movie, Michael Jackson will be played by British white actor Joseph Fiennes. They’re also not thrilled about the new James Brown biopic starring Benedict Cumberbatch. –Conan O’Brien

"Today, the Olympic torch arrived in Sochi. But Vladimir Putin immediately put it out because he thought it was too flaming." –Conan O'Brien

Ben of Ben & Jerry’s is coming out with an ice cream for Bernie Sanders called "Bernie’s Yearning." It’s selling a lot better than Jerry’s ice cream for Hillary, "Pantsuit Email Crunch." –Conan O’Brien

McDonald’s now has a special kind of Happy Meal that comes with a book instead of a toy. The book is called, "D is for Diabetes." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The trick is to lift with your legs, not your back (Did somebody say open bar?)

"During his visit to Liberia this week, President Bush was given the nation's highest civilian honor -- a meal." --Seth Meyers

"Vladimir Putin reportedly scored eight goals during a hockey game in Sochi this weekend. And the goalie only had one save: his own life." –Seth Meyers

"Injured New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady will be replaced by Matt Cassel, an untested, inexperienced backup, earning Cassel the nickname, Sarah Palin." --Seth Meyers

"A new poll finds that the majority of GOP voters say they can't see themselves supporting Chris Christie. The trick is to lift with your legs, not your back." –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Putin immediately put it out because he thought it was too flaming (Oh, great, now I have to start paying reality?)

"Today, in a suburb of Detroit, Mitt Romney asked supporters to donate money to his campaign. Of course, the people then pointed out that they live in Detroit. And he's Mitt Romney." –Conan O’Brien

Going into New Hampshire, Jeb Bush was polling at 5th place. Not among the candidates, among the members of the Bush family. –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday, Donald Trump repeated his false assertion that America’s murder rate is the highest it’s been in 47 years. Then someone pointed out to Trump that he was just binge watching “Game of Thrones.” –Conan O’Brien

Last night, CBS anchor Scott Pelley began the evening news by saying President Trump is “divorced from reality.” After hearing this, Trump said, “Oh, great, now I have to start paying reality?” –Conan O’Brien

"Today, the Olympic torch arrived in Sochi. But Vladimir Putin immediately put it out because he thought it was too flaming." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Bush was going to include a painting of bin Laden, but he couldn't find it (Even I don't have weapon as destructive as McRib)

"The big news is that yesterday David Letterman announced that he is retiring from 'The Late Show' in 2015. I couldn't believe it. And neither could my parents. They said, 'Guess we'll have to start watching YOU now.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"George W. Bush will open an art exhibit at his presidential library that will feature portraits he painted of various world leaders. He was going to include a painting of bin Laden, but he couldn't find it." –Jimmy Fallon

"McDonald's announced that it has closed its three restaurants in Crimea because of the tension in the region. Then Putin said, 'Is good to hear. Even I don't have weapon as destructive as McRib.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama invited the U.S. Olympic team to the White House yesterday to congratulate them on their performance in Sochi. Of course it got awkward when Biden told the biathletes, 'I won't rest until all you guys can get married.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan just released his budget proposal for 2015. Of course, a lot of people are criticizing it. For example, during a speech yesterday President Obama referred to the budget as a 'stinkburger' and a 'meanwich.' Ryan called Obama immature, while Chris Christie called to see if he had any more of those stinkburgers or meanwiches." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sounds like someone's not handling the breakup well (self-portraits of other people)

"House Speaker John Boehner said the Republican Party will no longer stand in the way of gay marriage. Then Boehner said, 'Now can I go to Elton John's Oscar party?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Some self-portraits painted by former President George W. Bush have leaked onto the Internet. Bush said, 'If you like these, wait until you see my self-portraits of other people.'" –Conan O'Brien

"In Sochi, a man who criticized the Sochi games was sentenced to three years in a prison colony. After hearing the sentence, the man said it's still better than a hotel in Sochi." –Conan O'Brien

"NBC has suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay. Williams said he's not worried because soon his veterans benefits will kick in." –Conan O'Brien

"The Vatican was struck by lightning after the Pope announced he was retiring. That really happened. Sounds like someone's not handling the breakup well." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

unless, of course, they definitely want to be president (Do not open trunk)

March 2014

"This week the Russian government gave all 44 of its Olympic medalists a new Mercedes. When asked what happened to the athletes who didn't medal, Putin said, 'Do not open trunk.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Russia gave all of its gold medalists from the Sochi Games $120,000 plus a brand-new Mercedes SUV. While the silver and bronze medalists all received life in prison." –Seth Meyers

"President Obama this week launched a new effort to help young minority men warning them not to make the same mistakes he did when he was their age such as get high and not take school seriously – unless, of course, they definitely want to be president." –Cecily Strong on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update”

"North Korea on Thursday launched four short-range missiles into the East Sea – as retaliation against a wave that knocked down Kim Jong Un.'" –Colin Jost on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The lowest political bar in history (Yes, selfies CAN get worse)

February 2014

"The Winter Olympics are finally over. They handed out all the medals and all the whippings, and the athletes are now leaving town before Vladimir Putin uses the Olympic flame to burn down Sochi for the insurance money." –Stephen Colbert

"The NFL is warning Arizona that if they approve a bill that discriminates against gays they may not get to host the next Super Bowl. And it may also hurt Arizona's chances of hosting the Tony Awards." –Conan O’Brien

"The FDA has approved a new camera that can be swallowed so that doctors can look at the inside of their patients' bodies. So to answer your question: Yes, selfies CAN get worse." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, you know who they locked up? Public enemy No. 1, El Chapo Guzman. He was the leading distributor of cocaine and cocaine-related items in the world. So another setback for Toronto Mayor Rob Ford." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it still feels good telling the British guy to get out (because our lives WERE on the line)

February 2014

"The Winter Olympics in Sochi wrapped up yesterday. Canada beat Sweden for the gold medal in men's hockey. People in Canada were going crazy. They spent all night knocking over cars, and then picking them back up and leaving a nice note." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Sochi Olympics are over. Russia ended up with the most gold medals. Russian athletes said, 'We played like our lives were on the line because our lives WERE on the line.'" –Conan O'Brien

"CNN is canceling Piers Morgan's talk show. Yes, it's been 238 years since the Declaration of Independence, but it still feels good telling the British guy to get out." –Craig Ferguson

"Larry King has offered to come back and replace Piers Morgan. Well, technically it wouldn't be 'coming back.' He's been living under the desk for the last three years." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Only six of those were stolen by Putin (Mr. Blue No Matter Who)

February 2014

"Canadians are good at ice dancing. Austrians are good at skiing, of course. Americans, freestyle buffet, very good." –David Letterman 

"This weekend is George Washington's birthday. Washington had probably the hardest job of any other president because he had no predecessor to blame things on. He was out there all on his own." –David Letterman

"Anybody see the closing ceremonies of the Olympics from Sochi? I thought Tina Fey and Amy Poehler did a great job." –David Letterman 

"In a moving moment at the end of the closing ceremonies, the giant Olympic flame was extinguished by a pack of wild dogs from Sochi." –David Letterman

"Russia ended up with 33 medals. Only six of those were stolen by Putin." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Say hello to my little friend (but eventually snow goes away)

February 2014

"It was 15 degrees cooler in Atlanta when they had the Summer Olympics than it is in Sochi where they had the Winter Olympics. It got up to 60 degrees today. It was so warm some of the people staying in the hotels thought the heat started working. But it turns out it was just the sun." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"Ted Cruz, of course, was furious that the big storm back east shut down the government. He said, 'That’s my job!' But you know, there is a big difference between Ted Cruz and snow. Both are white and everyone’s sick of them – but eventually snow goes away." –Bill Maher

"In Sochi, a man who criticized the Sochi games was sentenced to three years in a prison colony. After hearing the sentence, the man said it's still better than a hotel in Sochi." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you want to go down, you have to stand on your head (And you thought Sarah Palin didn’t make any sense now?)

February 2014

"Guess which state is going to be the next; it looks like, to legalize pot? It’s on the ballot and it’s looking good…Alaska! And you thought Sarah Palin didn’t make any sense now." –Bill Maher

"Before the games, a lot of people were worried that hotels in Sochi wouldn't be ready. For the most part, things seem to be working well. The only problems occur when people try to do something crazy like, you know, open a door." –Craig Ferguson

"I'm glad you were able to tear yourselves away from the Winter Olympics. The sporting event that answers the question, How many different ways can white people injure themselves on ice?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"One Sochi elevator has two up buttons. If you want to go down, you have to stand on your head." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

relax your body, remain calm and above all – try to stick the landing (Majestic AF)

February 2014

"Did you see the Opening Ceremonies of the Olympics today...what an elaborate pageant of flamboyant costumes and choreographed dance numbers all aimed at one theme – no gays allowed." –Bill Maher

"Have you seen what's going on in the hotels in Sochi? They report that the water, if it does come out, is yellow; the toilets don't flush; they say construction workers just wander into you room, which the male figure skating team described as 'heaven.'" –Bill Maher

"They rushed to get the Olympics together there. The hotels are open but they keep finding forgotten little things like handles on the doors, showers with no curtains, floors that are missing. They say if you do fall through a missing floor, here's what you do: relax your body, remain calm and above all – try to stick the landing." –Bill Maher

"Of course, the Russians have their pride, so they are not admitting that any of this is all a big f**k up. They say this is all part of their brilliant plan to make the terrorists think that they've already bombed the place." –Bill Maher

"You gotta feel for the athletes because the events themselves are dangerous enough – flying down hills are breakneck speeds. After a grueling day of doing that, you just want to get back to your room and take a long, hot yellow shower." –Bill Maher

"They are very upfront about the fact that you should have no expectations of privacy if you go there to Sochi. The phones immediately are hacked, your computers are hacked, the rooms are bugged; one hotel – their slogan is 'we’ll leave the mic on for you.'" –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And, well, that's what happens when you tick off gay people (How was your sleep, Mr. Bond?)

February 2014

"I guess it isn't going well over there. In fact, I heard there's even a shortage of pillows. The shortage is so bad that visitors are being asked to give their pillows to the Olympic athletes, because there's nothing more comforting than waking up in Russia to see a stranger coming at you with a pillow. 'How was your sleep, Mr. Bond?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Tomorrow night the Olympics begin from Sochi. A lot of people over there say the hotels stink. The problem is there are only three hotels in Sochi. Of course, you have the Ritz Chernobyl. You have the Sheraton Gulag. And really the best one over there, The Two Seasons." –David Letterman

"The hotels are lousy. The Olympic village is a mess. The food is horrible. And, well, that's what happens when you tick off gay people." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even I don't have a weapon as destructive as the McRib

"President Obama invited the U.S. Olympic team to the White House yesterday to congratulate them on their performance in Sochi. Of course it got awkward when Biden told the biathletes, 'I won't rest until all you guys can get married.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"McDonald's announced that it has closed its three restaurants in Crimea because of the tension in the region. Then Putin said, 'Is good to hear. Even I don't have weapon as destructive as McRib.'" –Jimmy Fallon 



"The big news is that yesterday David Letterman announced that he is retiring from 'The Late Show' in 2015. I couldn't believe it. And neither could my parents. They said, 'Guess we'll have to start watching YOU now.'" –Jimmy Fallon 



Do not open trunk

"In California the owner of a Christian medical marijuana dispensary says God told him to sell pot. As proof, he cited the story from the Bible where Jesus miraculously turns water into pizza." –Conan O'Brien



"Jason Collins, the NBA's first openly gay player, has the top-selling jersey in the league store. Yeah, that's great — finally a gay man who's not afraid to stand up and say 'I have my own clothing line.'" –Conan O'Brien

"This week the Russian government gave all 44 of its Olympic medalists a new Mercedes. When asked what happened to the athletes who didn't medal, Putin said, 'Do not open trunk.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"Russia gave all of its gold medalists from the Sochi Games $120,000 plus a brand-new Mercedes SUV. While the silver and bronze medalists all received life in prison." –Seth Meyers



Rome was not un-built in a day

"After 16 days of competition, the closing ceremony for the Winter Olympics is this Sunday. Vladimir Putin was like, 'It has been fun time, and I'm sad to see everyone escape . . . I mean, get away . . . I mean, go home.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"Yesterday New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was asked about the slow pace of his weight loss and said, quote, 'Rome was not un-built in a day.' In fact, Christie and Rome have a lot in common: one was built by Julius Caesar, and the other was built by LITTLE Caesar." –Jimmy Fallon



"A girl in San Francisco actually sold Girl Scout cookies at a medical marijuana clinic this week. Which is why today she bought a mansion and retired." –Jimmy Fallon

Teeny-tiny sausages

"At the Olympics, the Russian men's hockey team was knocked out by Finland. Vladimir Putin was said to be furious. He was yelling, waving a sword around, threatening to send people to Siberia. Then the game started." –Craig Ferguson



"A 101-year-old man is running for Congress. Now in what state do you think that is? You know what state — Florida, of course! He's a member of the tea party — the Boston Tea Party." –Craig Ferguson



"A new survey named Vienna, Austria, the world's best city. Vienna came out on top in this survey because it was No. 1 in three important categories: public transportation, clean air, and the quantity of teeny-tiny sausages." –Craig Ferguson

He wants to let women vote

"The big event in the Olympics will be the U.S. playing Canada in men's hockey. This is the most that Americans have wanted to see Canadians beaten since they sent us Justin Bieber." –Conan O'Brien



"Russia won the gold medal in women's figure skating. The Russian skater said she was inspired by her family, her coaches, and what happened to the losing, and now missing, Russian men's hockey team." –Conan O'Brien

"In Florida there is a guy running for Congress who is 101 years old. And despite what you might think, the guy is actually quite a progressive. He wants to expand Medicare. He wants to fix Social Security. He wants to let women vote." –David Letterman

Or even see one up close

"Today the Russian hockey team lost and was knocked out of the Olympics. People in Russia haven't been this depressed since last week." –Conan O'Brien



"We have first lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight. Security's very tight backstage. Before I came out, this one guy spent like five minutes patting me down — and then the Secret Service showed up and said, 'Who's that guy groping Fallon?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new report just came out that some companies, especially tech companies, are not hiring enough female employees. But guys who run tech companies say they'd love to hire more women. Or talk to them. Or meet them. Or even see one up close." –Jimmy Fallon

Uh, mammal?

"Making his first visit to our show tonight is Bill O'Reilly. Bill is here to promote his book 'Killing Jesus.' I'm going to have to tell him someone else sold a book on that subject and it sold quite well." –Jimmy Kimmel 



"When asked what kind of meat they use, a spokesman for Hot Pockets said, 'Uh, mammal?'" –Jimmy Fallon



"Today at the Olympics the Russian men's hockey team, which was favored, was eliminated by Finland. Then an hour later, the Russian men's hockey team was eliminated by Putin." –Conan O'Brien