Hey, we tried to warn you (I count you twice)

Last night was the annual Victoria's Secret Fashion Show on CBS, and it featured models from Brazil, Sweden, and Portugal. Or as Donald Trump put it, “I've changed my mind on immigrants.” –Jimmy Fallon

"Umpire Dale Scott recently became the first major league umpire to come out as gay. Well, he says he's out, but another ump said he was safe, so now we have to wait to see what the replay says." –Jimmy Fallon

"McDonald's just announced that it's bringing back the McRib later this month. Or, as the Mayans put it, 'Hey, we tried to warn you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I hope you can take it like it is (free Mayan calendar)

"Sarah Palin signed copies — she's out on a massive book tour. This is a huge bestseller. She was at Barnes & Noble today and she actually had to take a break because she got a cramp in her wink." –David Letterman

"Barnes and Noble is running a great promotion on the Sarah Palin book. You buy the Sarah Palin book, they will throw in a free Mayan calendar." –David Letterman

"Happy Columbus Day, ladies and gentlemen. By the way, in honor of Columbus Day, Dick Cheney's cholesterol was 1492." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Those tickets will still be good for October (Most Fascinating Newts)

"Barnes and Noble is running a great promotion on the Sarah Palin book. You buy the Sarah Palin book, they will throw in a free Mayan calendar." –David Letterman

"Now the pastor guy says the Apocalypse will be October 21. I know some people are saying, 'What if I had tickets for Saturday's Apocalypse?' Those tickets will still be good for October.'" –David Letterman

"Newt Gingrich did not make it on the Most Fascinating People list. He made it on another list of 2011 though: Most Fascinating Newts." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sweet, I love magic! (Mayans 24, New York Jets 0)

In an interview, Donald Trump claimed that New York police and court employees were crying when they arrested him. Why is everyone in Trump’s stories always crying? You’re bragging that when people see you, they just like burst into tears, because it never sounds like excited crying. Like when teenagers see BTS. It sounds more like scared crying like when hostages see Jigsaw. —Colin Jost

Senator Diane Feinstein who is 89 is facing calls to resign from fellow democrats. But unfortunately, Feinstein is answering those calls on her stapler. —Colin Jost

Conservative judges and pundits defended Clarence Thomas saying his deals with Harlan Crow are not corrupt because Crow had no business before the court. But, come on. Does this conservative Christian billionaire strike you as someone who didn’t want them to overturn Roe vs Wade? He looks like he’s on a pamphlet called ‘Why you have to keep it.’ —Colin Jost

Archeologists have discovered a one thousand year old scoreboard used for an ancient Mayan ball game. The score was Mayans 24, New York Jets Zero. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Each senator received a fitting gift: a gold watch that stopped working years ago (Hey, we tried to warn you)

"Yesterday, the Senate floor was reserved for farewell speeches from retiring senators. Each senator received a fitting gift: a gold watch that stopped working years ago." –Jimmy Fallon

"There's talk that Jackie Chan may join the cast of 'The Expendables 3,' along with Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Stallone, Schwarzenegger, and Chan — which explains the movie's next title: 'The Can't-Understandables.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"McDonald's just announced that it's bringing back the McRib later this month. Or, as the Mayans put it, 'Hey, we tried to warn you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You buy the Sarah Palin book, they will throw in a free Mayan calendar (the Clooney wedding)

"You know who they haven't seen in a while, Kim Jung Un, evil dictator of North Korea. They haven't seen him in, like, six weeks. He's probably spending more time executing his family." –David Letterman

"Barnes and Noble is running a great promotion on the Sarah Palin book. You buy the Sarah Palin book, they will throw in a free Mayan calendar." –David Letterman

"Nobody had seen North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un for a week, then a month, and now six weeks have gone by and nobody's seen him. They really started to get worried when he didn't show up at the Clooney wedding." – David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hillary made the remarks during a speech none of us could afford to attend (The Party Is Always Right)

"It was reported that Barack Obama's Secret Service name is 'Renegade,' while Hillary Clinton's is 'Evergreen.' That's true. Meanwhile, John McCain's Secret Service name is 'Enlarged Prostate.'" --Conan O'Brien

Hillary Clinton has been attacking Donald Trump over his "country club" lifestyle. Hillary made the remarks during a speech none of us could afford to attend. –Conan O’Brien

 

"President Bush attended a summit in Mexico. And thousands of Mexicans attended a rally to protest his immigration policies. The protest was cut short because the Mexicans had to get back to their jobs in Los Angeles." --Conan O'Brien

According to a new poll that just came out, 50 percent of Republicans say they could support Donald Trump. The other 50 percent are a group calling themselves "Women." –Conan O’Brien

"Republican presidential candidate John McCain is in the news. John McCain says he's trying to find a vice presidential running mate. Not only that, McCain is also trying to find his reading glasses and his car keys. He's an older gentleman. That's the idea there. You'll be hearing more of those in the next nine months, because that's our take. Until he gets a whore." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is in Mexico this week and while he's there, he's going to visit the ancient Mayan ruins. Apparently, Bush is trying to learn from his mistakes because today he promised that FEMA will help the Mayans rebuild." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the Earth's crust was emboldened by Obama's weakness (Almost told you so)

March 2014

"This week, scientists revealed that a massive solar blast narrowly missed the Earth back in 2012. Or as the Mayans put it, 'Almost told you so.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Absolutely nothing new has happened with the missing plane. It is astounding how they continue to report 'news' even though they have zero information, although, it never stopped Fox News." –Bill Maher

"Fox News, they may be a little biased, we had an earthquake here on Monday and they reported that the Earth's crust was emboldened by Obama's weakness." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Nothing religious about that, he just doesn't want to get shot by Cheney (Is this communism?)

"On the peaceful side of the equation, the Dalai Lama is coming

to the United States next week. He's going to get the Congressional

Medal of honor, and meet with President Bush. He is going to, of

course, be wearing his famous flowing orange robes. Nothing

religious about that, he just doesn't want to get shot by

Cheney." --Bill Maher

"Republican presidential candidate John McCain is in

the news. John McCain says he's trying to find a vice

presidential running mate. Not only that, McCain is also

trying to find his reading glasses and his car keys. He's an

older gentleman. That's the idea there. You'll be hearing

more of those in the next nine months, because that's our

take. Until he gets a whore." --Conan O'Brien

 

"President Bush attended a summit in Mexico. And

thousands of Mexicans attended a rally to protest his

immigration policies. The protest was cut short because

the Mexicans had to get back to their jobs in Los Angeles."

--Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is in Mexico this week and while he's there,

he's going to visit the ancient Mayan ruins. Apparently, Bush

is trying to learn from his mistakes because today he promised

that FEMA will help the Mayans rebuild." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm going off to the hereafter with a tie with a little snowman on it (500 pounds of spam)

December 2012

"The Mayan calendar didn't go past Dec. 21, 2012. There is one problem with the Mayan prophesy. It is crap. Every serious Mayan scholar says close reading of Mayan texts reveals they believed the world would go for thousands of years past the end of the calendar. But let's listen to the wacko locked in the basement with 500 pounds of spam because he knows what is going to happen!" –Craig Ferguson

"I've got to admit, I love the show 'Doomsday Preppers.' It's about people making bunkers to survive catastrophes they know will happen. A nuclear war, viral epidemic, Fox canceling 'Glee.' It's all going to happen." –Craig Ferguson 

"You know what I really am feeling awkward about? If this is really the end of the world, I'm going to my doom wearing this tie. I'm going off to the hereafter with a tie with a little snowman on it." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So that's a NO on healthcare, huh (or as the Mayans call it, April Fools Day)

December 2012

"Well folks, it is December 21, or as the Mayans call it, April Fools Day." –Jay Leno

"Well, we got a lot to worry about. In nine days, fiscal cliff. I woke up this morning thinking, Wait a minute. Five days until the fiscal cliff? Where is Superman?" –Jay Leno

"But you shouldn't be worried. You should have faith in our representatives in Congress and the Senate." –Jay Leno

"Here's what happened in Washington today. The Republicans and the Democrats got together. They rolled up their sleeves and then they took a break." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or as the Mayans put it, 'So we were off by one day.' (Joe Biden was real excited to meet Spider-Man)

December 2012

"After three years and six seasons, the final episode of 'Jersey Shore' aired tonight. Or as the Mayans put it, 'So we were off by one day.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There's a photo going around with President Obama playing with a staffer's son who's dressed as Spider-Man. Obama was like, 'Shouldn't you be fighting the Green Goblin?' And the kid was like, 'shouldn't you be working on the fiscal cliff?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The kid was really excited to meet the president, while Joe Biden was real excited to meet Spider-Man." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What America Has Learned Since Covid (There is a sign of the apocalypse)

December 2012

"According to the Mayan calendar, Friday is the end of the world. You know what? There is a sign of the apocalypse. The New York Knicks are in first place." –David Letterman

"Even with the apocalypse there is always something good. There's always a silver lining. For example, The Mayan apocalypse will put an end to those commercials where a crazy lady talks to strangers about her colon." –David Letterman

"I went to see 'Lincoln,' and I think it's a precise historical document. I was flabbergasted to realize that President Lincoln's wife, Mary Todd Lincoln, wore pantsuits." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

or like Two and a Half Men without a cast member going crazy (Needles sold separately)

December 2012

"As you know, the Mayans said the world will end tomorrow, and like everybody else, they blame Bush." –Jay Leno

"As we get closer to Christmas, these Christmas tree lots try to rip you off because they know you're desperate. They know you need a tree. I was at a lot last night. I went to buy a tree. Needles sold separately. I couldn't believe it." –Jay Leno

"'It's a Wonderful Life' is the one where the angel earns his wings. Because remember, kids, an angel without wings is like Tom Selleck without a moustache, or like 'Two and a Half Men' without a cast member going crazy." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

like Joe Biden spilling a Mountain Dew on the nuclear launch panel (My third world country did THAT)

December 2012

"Christmas is on Tuesday, provided that the world doesn't end on Friday, which is the end of the Mayan calendar. Some believe there will be massive earthquakes and floods. Others think a planet will collide with the earth. I believe the end of the world will come about in a much stupider way, like Joe Biden spilling a Mountain Dew on the nuclear launch panel." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"And as silly as this all may seem, a worldwide survey shows that one in 10 people believe the world is going to end on Friday. A Chinese man even designed a survival pod. The inventor says they can hold 14 people comfortably, or roughly three American people comfortably." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If you buy one of these pods, you might survive the end of the world. But since it is made in China, you will also die of lead poisoning." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm not ashamed to dress like a woman (volcanos, asteroid strikes, apocalypse)

December 2012

"It's been a tough decade for Lindsay Lohan. She's either in prison or she's in rehab. She's been in rehab so many times that the rehab cafeteria has a sandwich named after her." –David Letterman

"Now Lindsay Lohan is apparently broke. To raise money — say your son's having a bar mitzvah — Lindsay will appear at your son's bar mitzvah. She's also available for Mayan end-of-the-world parties." –David Letterman

"And now The Mayan Channel forecast. Thursday: cloudy, chance of showers, high 39. Friday: volcanos, asteroid strikes, apocalypse." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We've only got about a week left, and I haven't even started packing (Saddam is hiding WMDs)

December 2012

"Christmas is just around the corner. It's just under two weeks away, and today Santa released 10 years of tax returns." –David Letterman

"The Mayan calendar says that on the 21st, we're done. We've only got about a week left, and I haven't even started packing." –David Letterman

"On the bright side, the end of the world kind of takes the edge off the fiscal cliff, doesn't it?" –David Letterman

"The Mayans predicted that last joke wouldn't work." –David Letterman

"'The Hobbit' opens today. It's going to make a ton of money this weekend. It will make more money than Mitt Romney spent losing the election." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So now they're having a benefit concert for people who had to see that (They're Laker fans)

December 2012

"Everybody I run into is talking about the end of the world. They're not believers in the Mayan apocalypse. They're Laker fans." –Conan O'Brien

"Anyone see that Hurricane Sandy concert? Kanye West performed while wearing a leather skirt. So now they're having a benefit concert for people who had to see that." –Conan O'Brien

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he hired a personal trainer. The trainer makes him do two laps around the Cinnabon before going in." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Vote your conscience, not someone else's politics (So it means dress is casual)

December 2012

"New Jersey Democrats say Republican Governor Chris Christie will be impossible to beat. It's unclear if they're talking about the 2013 governor's race or Coney Island hot dog-eating contest." –Conan O'Brien

"According to the Mayan calendar, December 21 marks the end of the world. Then why am I Christmas shopping?" –David Letterman

"December 21, the end of the world, is a Friday. So it means dress is casual." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”