To be fair though all 40,000 reviews came from Chris Christie (your comrades know it's just as valid)

Elon Musk has apologized to Donald Trump tweeting that he regrets some of his posts and that they went too far. As a token of regret he's offering to impregnate a woman of Trump's choice. Trump is still harboring a grudge because his choice was Rosie O’Donnell. —Greg Gutfeld 

Meanwhile last night the LA rioters destroyed a popular sushi restaurant. Wow, first ICE and now rice. —Greg Gutfeld

President Trump said the protesters are no longer allowed to wear masks unless they're a solid four or lower. —Greg Gutfeld

Based on more than 40,000 Yelp reviews In-N-Out Burger has the best French fries in the country. To be fair though all 40,000 reviews came from Chris Christie. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Your comrades know that's just as valid (another way the virus can spread)

“President Trump claimed that he was doing the best he could with the cards he was dealt. Yes, some idiot disbanded Obama’s pandemic response team. We should really look into whoever was after President Obama, ’cause that guy screwed the pooch. Which, by the way, is another way the virus can spread.” —Stephen Colbert

The latest polls show that Hillary Clinton is tied with Donald Trump. Ever since the damning FBI report about Hillary Clinton's private email servers came out, her poll numbers have not looked good. Though the truth is she may have much better numbers hidden on her private server. We don't know. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's just like regular Clue except that everyone did it in every room with every weapon (Groucho Marxism)

A lot of fans weren't happy with how Game of Thrones ended. They're complaining about the writing. I'm not saying their writers ran out of ideas, but I thought it was odd that Jon Snow's final line was, "Bazinga." --Jimmy Fallon

"This week, Oscar Mayer introduced a new hot dog with bacon cooked right into it. Or as Chris Christie put it, 'Is it possible to reverse that lap-band procedure?'" –Jimmy Fallon

A "Game of Thrones" version of the board game Clue is now for sale. It's just like regular Clue except that everyone did it in every room with every weapon. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The apple can fall from the tree and land in a billionaire wine cave (they actually get 72 raisins)

"The good news for al-Zarqawi is according to Islamic law, he does get 72 virgins. The bad news is they're all William Hung. Actually there is some disagreement among those who study the Koran about whether so-called martyrs get 72 virgins. Many say it is a mistranslation and they actually get 72 raisins." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The Dow fell 504 points yesterday. I'll be honest, I have no idea what that means, but apparently it's really bad. On Wall Street they were calling it Black Monday. And John McCain was quick to point out it was Black Monday, not Old White Monday." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Cheney sat down for a one-on-one with Fox News. Very bold choice. Dick Cheney sitting down with Fox News is like Mrs. Butterworth sitting down with the Pancake Channel." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I hope not. It’s your phone number. (It took me ages to get her husband's voice right)

When I was at school I had a friend called Anthony. Well I'm not proud of this but it happened. We're at a party, we were quite drunk. He was very drunk and he passed out. And myself and another friend shaved his eyebrows off. He was really surprised, but you couldn't tell. --Jimmy Carr

Global warming. It’s the kids I feel sorry for because if sea levels do rise they'll drown first. --Jimmy Carr

I had a relationship with a blind girl, which was rewarding, but challenging. It took me ages to get her husband's voice right. --Jimmy Carr

I saw the chief of the New York City police on the news. He said, “We will never forget 9/11.” I thought, I hope not not. It’s your phone number. --Jimmy Carr

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So basically, they’re the Lakers (Haze a nipple heave)

March 2022

Some military experts have been surprised that despite having superior firepower the Russian army has been slowed by aging equipment, poor motivation and inept leadership. So basically, they’re the Lakers. —Colin Jost

The House voted to award the congressional gold medal to the only female all-black unit to serve in World War II. And Tyler Perry plays them all in his new film Inglorious Basterds. —Colin Jost

Dunkin’ Donuts has announced a new beverage called the Shamrock Macchiato, which combines espresso, vanilla and Irish creme. It’s the festive, sugary drink that will have you saying, Top O’ the Morning and losing the bottom O’ your leg. —Colin Jost

 Pat Sajak is asking Wheel of Fortune fans to stop making fun of the two contestants who were unable to solve an easy saying, ‘Have a little heart.’ Or as the contestants would guess, ‘Haze a nipple heave.’ —Colin Jost

According to a new study, just one drink a day may shrink the overall volume of your brain. Though I think I speak for all alcohol enthusiasts when I say, ‘Buh?’ —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We need to reallocate our nerds (Could you start early?)

October 2013

"Today President Obama was in so much trouble he called Hillary Clinton and he said, 'Could you start early?'" –David Letterman

"Over the weekend it came out that the U.S. has been listening in on German Chancellor Angela Merkel's cellphone since 2002. At this point, I feel like the only world leader our government DOESN'T listen to is President Obama." –Jimmy Fallon

"The U.S. has been spying on German Chancellor Angela Merkel for more than 10 years. Merkel actually called Obama to say that eavesdropping on allies 'is not acceptable.' Then Obama said, 'Yeah, well that's not what you said to England.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"There are new reports that the NSA has been monitoring communications of 35 leaders. Germany's Angela Merkel is one of our closest allies and she is not happy about this. She called President Obama to give him an earful — and it takes a lot to get those ears full." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"If the NSA agents are like most men they were probably only pretending to listen to what she was saying anyway." –Jimmy Kimmel

"They ought to take all of the guys who are so good at hacking into phone calls and put them to work fixing HealthCare.gov. We need to reallocate our nerds." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Jon Stewart on the Boston Marathon bombing (April 2013)

April 2013

Jon Stewart on the Boston Marathon bombing:

"Once again, having to start under horrific events here in this country. I really hate the fact that I can cross-reference my thoughts to so many other events that have occurred over the years — so I'm not going to. I'm just going to say this to Boston: Thank you. Thank you for once again, in the face of gross inhumanity, inspiring and solidifying my belief in humanity and the people of this country.

So thank you for everything you've done. It's a quite a little city you've got going on up there. And New Yorkers and Boston obviously have kind of a little bit of a competition. Often, the two cities accusing each other of various levels of suckitude. But it is in situations like this that we realize it is clearly a sibling rivalry, and that we are your brothers and sisters in this type of event. As a city that knows the feeling of confusion, anger, and grief, and chaos that comes with these events, I can tell you from personal experience: You've got a hell of a city going on, and you've done an incredible job in the face of all this. Thank you."

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Just tell me one thing – is it General Petraeus? (Groucho Marxism)

November 2012

"This weekend, it was announced that Justin Bieber and his girlfriend, Selena Gomez, have broken up. Bieber said, 'Just tell me one thing – is it General Petraeus?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The James Bond movie 'Skyfall' came in No. 1 this weekend with $88 million. It's about a spy who fights terrorists and sleeps with a lot of women. Critics are calling it 'well-made,' while David Petraeus is calling it 'relatable.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"Get this. After all the confusion at the polls in Florida last week, Governor Rick Scott said he will review ways to improve his state's voting procedures. It'll be the biggest thing Scott's done since he won that raffle to become governor." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Seriously, get out of there. You’re doing a terrible job (the incubation room)

“The White House ordered West Wing staff members to wear masks on Monday after a military valet and Katie Miller, a spokeswoman for Mike Pence and the wife of the presidential adviser Stephen Miller, tested positive for Covid-19. Although Trump, Pence, and senior members of their administration have declined to isolate themselves, Dr. Anthony Fauci and two other top administration health officials decided to self-quarantine for the next two weeks. Mr. President, the virus is calling from inside the house — get out of there! Seriously, get out of there. You’re doing a terrible job.” —Stephen Colbert

“No, Dr. Fauci, don’t self-quarantine, we need you. If you’re not around, all the health decisions are going to be made by Jared Kushner, the MyPillow guy, and William Barr in a sexy nurse costume.” —Stephen Colbert

“This is super serious. Katie Miller has attended nearly all of the White House coronavirus task force meetings in the situation room, which they’ve now temporarily rechristened ‘the incubation room.’” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Hey easy with that! That's my lucky stabbing hat!/really really really really high chair/Two cakes

A new FBI study shows that for the first time Americans are more likely to be killed by a stranger than a loved one or acquaintance. Their advice, introduce yourself to as many people as possible. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

The American Academy of Pediatrics has released an updated list of unsafe baby products. Topping the list this year is the really really really really high chair. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

Dr. Jack Kevorkian was responsible for another death this week, this time it was a 58 year old woman. She is the 26th of Kevorkians patients who have died since 1990. When are people going to realize he is not a good doctor. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

The richest girl in the world billionaire Athina Onassis celebrated her 10th birthday this week. What's it like to be the richest girl in the world? Well to give you some idea, at the party they had two cakes. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

In a brilliant move during closing arguments the O.J. Simpson Attorney, Johnnie Cochran, put on the knit cap prosecutors say OJ wore the night he committed the murders. Although OJ may have hurt his case when he suddenly blurted out, “Hey easy with that! That's my lucky stabbing hat!” --Norm Macdonald, SNL

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I mean, are there tasteful photos of men's crotches? (the Danish were coming)

June 2011

"The Anthony Weiner scandal shows you how the political race has changed. Remember it wasn't that long ago when candidates would ask 'Where’s the beef?' You can’t ask that now!" –Jay Leno

"And I love the way the media reports the story. They say this whole thing started when a lewd photo of a man's crotch was sent to one of Congressman Weiner's Twitter followers. Do they even have to say 'lewd.' I mean, are there tasteful photos of men's crotches?" –Jay Leno

"It’s the anniversary of D-Day. Or, as Sarah Palin calls it, the day that Paul Revere warned the Americans that the Danish were coming." –Jay Leno

"Legal experts are now investigating John Edwards for the money he spent to hide his mistress and love child. The good news for Edwards is that he is now eligible to run for governor of California." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It's being called the right procedure on the wrong Palin (What happened to the last guy?)

"Bristol Palin just announced she had corrective surgery on her mouth. It's being called the right procedure on the wrong Palin." –Conan O'Brien 

"President Obama's approval rating has hit 60 percent, its highest in two years. So he can pretty much count on reelection if he can just kill bin Laden two more times in the next 12 months." –Conan O'Brien

"Al-Qaida has not yet picked a new leader to run their terrorist organization. Apparently, candidates keep losing interest after asking, 'What happened to the last guy?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver might be splitting up. Arnold's friends say he is doing everything he can to win his wife back. He just burned every single copy of 'Jingle All the Way.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump says he uses Head & Shoulders on his hair. As a result, Head & Shoulders is suing Donald Trump for slander." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the cartoon mouse that sews Cinderella’s dress (That is the man deciding who ligs and who dibes)

“Trump had problems during his speech. He flubbed words like ‘tolerated’ and ‘accomplishments.’ Trump’s mouth was missing more targets than those Iranian missiles.” —Trevor Noah

“You got to hand it to Trump — he’s the only person who makes typos out loud.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Trump had problems during his speech. He flubbed words like ‘tolerated’ and ‘accomplishments.’ Rest easy, America. That is the man deciding who ligs and who dibes.” —Stephen Colbert

“Today, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced that they’ll no longer be senior members of the royal family and they might move to Canada. I give them a lot of credit — tons of celebrities always threaten to move to Canada; they’re actually doing it.” —Jimmy Fallon

“There are senior levels of royal? I thought it just went, like, king, queen, prince, princess, jack of spades, boy wizard, Dukes of Hazzard and then the cartoon mouse that sews Cinderella’s dress.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

And then Stormy Daniels was like, ‘Second worst.’ (Stranger Things)

“England’s new Prime Minister Boris Johnson looks like Trump after he did the Ice Bucket Challenge.” --Jimmy Fallon

“During his testimony Robert Mueller said that President Trump could be charged with obstruction of justice after he leaves office. That’s why for the last 12 hours, Trump’s been afraid to get up from the couch.” --Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right — both Democrats and Republicans thought Mueller came off as slow and old. I’m not saying Mueller was bad, but he made Bernie Sanders look like one of the kids from ‘Stranger Things.’” --Jimmy Fallon

“Apparently, President Trump is thrilled with how Mueller’s testimony went. Yep, he was so happy, he came this close to hugging Don Jr.” --Jimmy Fallon

“Well, after the hearing, Trump said Mueller’s performance was, quote, ‘one of the worst performances in the history of the country.’ And then Stormy Daniels was like, ‘Second worst.’” --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Or as it's known in the Middle East, Tuesday (it's been having some weird feelings)

"In the State of the Union address tonight, President Obama focused his speech on how to bring prosperity back to America. It basically involves all of us convincing Oprah we're her half sister. That's the plan." –Conan O'Brien 

"The terrorist group Hezbollah has taken power in Lebanon and opponents have declared a day of rage. Or as it's known in the Middle East, Tuesday." –Conan O’Brien

"President Bush said that when it comes to hurricane preparedness, step number one is, quote, 'pray that there's no hurricanes.' Later President Bush admitted, yeah, that's our entire plan." --Conan O'Brien

"The Pentagon admitted it's been spying on gay groups. The Pentagon also admitted that since it's started spying on gay groups, it's been having some weird feelings." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

When Larry King heard, he said, 'This again?' (Groucho Marxism)

"San Francisco celebrated the opening of the nation's first gay history museum. The museum is called 'San Francisco.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The blizzard that hit the U.S. was three hours of howling wind — kind of like Rush Limbaugh's radio show." –Conan O'Brien

"The date 1/11/11 only happens once every hundred years. When Larry King heard, he said, 'This again?'" –Conan O'Brien 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Taj Mommy Please Look at Me! (You first!)

Two psychologists were hired to evaluate President Trump. Both diagnosed him as a “10 out of 10 Narcissist.” They also said that Trump has deep seated mommy issues as a symptom of his upbringing and a mother who didn’t pay enough attention to him. Which explains why the original name of Trump’s Atlantic City casino was the “Taj Mommy Please Look at Me!” --Stephen Colbert

Just this afternoon, President Trump unveiled his new immigration plan, which would require immigrants to learn English, pass a civics exam, and get a health screening. Trump wants immigrants to learn proper English and pass a basic exam about how American government works. To which immigrants said, “You first!” --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Wait, we can win back our houses? (Dude, just pass it)

from November 2010

"The final poll before Election Day shows that 55 percent of Americans plan to vote for Republicans, while 40 percent plan to vote for Democrats. I guess Obama is finally going to get that change he was talking about." –Jimmy Fallon

"It seems most experts are predicting that Republicans will win back the House tomorrow. When Americans heard that they were like, 'Wait, we can win back our houses?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama sent out an e-mail encouraging his supporters to take at least three friends with them to vote. That's not how people vote — that's how women go to the bathroom." –Jimmy Fallon

"California will vote on legalizing marijuana on Tuesday. So thousands of stoners will be at the polls saying, "Dude, just pass it ... and now let's go in and vote on Prop 19." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Siri knew so much she had to go into the witness protection program (Groucho Marxism)

Last year, the Washington Post reported that the government has seized more than 100 recordings that Michael Cohen made of his conversations with people discussing matters that could relate to Trump and his businesses, and with Trump himself talking. Cohen appeared to make some recordings with an iPhone. Wow. An iPhone. So, not only did Cohen flip on Trump, so did Siri. Siri knew so much she had to go into the witness protection program. --Seth Meyers

During the Congressional testimony of former Trump attorney Michael Cohen today, Republican representative Justin Amash asked Cohen, "What's the truth that you know President Trump fears most?" Said Cohen, "Probably that Grimace is actually just an actor inside of a costume." --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”