he has been conducting all official business wearing floaties (You'll melt your face off, kid!)

"President Bush will not concede that global warming may have something to do with this crazy weather though he has been conducting all official business wearing floaties." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush celebrated Cinco de Mayo a day early today. He would normally do it tomorrow, but Friday is his day off." --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

President Hu meets President Huh (soon every American will receive a voucher for a free popsicle)

"President Bush spoke about the immigration problem. Given how out of hand immigration is, there were 800 more people on Air Force One coming back than on the way there." --Jay Leno

"Chinese President Hu Jintao will also be visiting the White House. China's president meets America's president. President Hu meets President Huh." --Jay Leno

"President Bush says he is personally working on a solution for global warming. He says thanks to Republicans, soon every American will receive a voucher for a free popsicle." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even worse, some of it was wasted (Jesus, it's hot)

 

"This is a terrible controversy. According to a new report, $1.4 billion of FEMA money for Hurricane Katrina victims was used to buy alcohol, vacations and pornography. Even worse, some of it was wasted." --Conan O'Brien

"The National Academy of Sciences says that due to pollution and global warming, this year the Earth has been the hottest since the time of Jesus which explains why the disciples were always saying, 'Jesus, it's hot.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

He is an inspiration to everyone who takes six years to graduate (90 seconds)

 

"A heat wave is gripping the entire country. This week scientists in Boulder, Colorado, installed what they call 'an early warning system to detect global warming.' The scientists say that they call their global warming detection device a 'thermometer.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, Governor Sarah Palin held a meeting with several leaders from other countries to showcase her foreign policy expertise. That's right, yeah. Experts say the meeting took 90 seconds." --Conan O'Brien

 

"President Bush gave the commencement address at the Merchant Marine Academy. While he was there a cadet, who took six years to graduate, surprised President Bush by giving him a bear hug. When asked about it, the cadet said, 'President Bush is an inspiration to everyone who takes six years to graduate.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm starting to realize why Trump's casinos went bankrupt (which explains why he starts a new family every few years)

According to one excerpt, Donald Trump suggested that the government should just "print more money." Oh, OK, I'm starting to realize why Trump's casinos went bankrupt. --James Corden

If you think Donald Trump's economic ideas are crazy, you should hear Trump's plan for global warming. He thinks the government should just make more ice cubes. --James Corden

The only people President Trump feels he can really trust are family, which explains why he starts a new family every few years. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

They say he is so depressed about this, he hardly has the energy to execute anybody (Hillary, Chelsea and Sinbad)

"Rick Perry has dropped 20 points in the polls in one week. They

say he is so depressed about this, he hardly has the energy to

execute anybody." –Bill Maher

 

"There is a little discrepancy about what happened on this hunt, because Ann Armstrong, the woman who has this ranch, said there was no alcohol involved, and Dick Cheney said he had one beer. So apparently, Dick Cheney can't keep his rifle, his story, or his daughter straight." --Bill Maher

"In Iraq the fighting, apparently, is so fierce and the bullets are flying so fast and furious, they might have to pull the Marines out and send in Hillary, Chelsea and Sinbad." --Bill Maher

 

"I watched this speech. It is so infuriating the way Bush has a way of getting religion on issues that he has been resisting forever, and then he acts like he thought of it and we're the a-------. This government must stop spending money we don't have! He actually had the nerve to say, 'For the sake of the environment, we got to use less oil. Some dips--- has been dragging his feet on global warming around here. When I find out who's in that guy's body, I'm going to f--- him up.'" --Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So ladies, when I ask you to take a shower with me, I'm just trying to conserve water (It's just one of those things I guess)

"We need rain. Governor Jerry Brown has declared California to be in a state of drought emergency. So ladies, when I ask you to take a shower with me, I'm just trying to conserve water." –Conan O'Brien

"President Bush told reporters he won't see Al Gore's documentary about the threat of global warming. He will not see it. On the other hand, Dick Cheney said he's seen the global warming film five times, and it still cracks him up." --Conan O'Brien

"In a recent speech, former President Bill Clinton said that if Hillary runs for president, he'll do whatever is asked of him. Hillary says the first thing she's going to ask Bill to do is to stop winking when he says that." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He thinks the government should just make more ice cubes (tremendously bouncy-tremendously swirly)

The only people President Trump feels he can really trust are family, which explains why he starts a new family every few years. --James Corden

If you think Trump's economic ideas are crazy, you should hear Trump's plan for global warming. He thinks the government should just make more ice cubes. --James Corden

Yesterday, after being briefed on Hurricane Florence, President Trump had this to report: [Trump clip] "They haven't seen anything like what is coming at us in 25, 30 years. Maybe ever. It's tremendously big and tremendously wet." Thank you, President Children's Book, for reminding us that rain is wet, cows go moo, and cars go beep. Later Trump went on to describe earthquakes as "tremendously bouncy" and tornadoes as "tremendously swirly." --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I hope not. It’s your phone number. (It took me ages to get her husband's voice right)

When I was at school I had a friend called Anthony. Well I'm not proud of this but it happened. We're at a party, we were quite drunk. He was very drunk and he passed out. And myself and another friend shaved his eyebrows off. He was really surprised, but you couldn't tell. --Jimmy Carr

Global warming. It’s the kids I feel sorry for because if sea levels do rise they'll drown first. --Jimmy Carr

I had a relationship with a blind girl, which was rewarding, but challenging. It took me ages to get her husband's voice right. --Jimmy Carr

I saw the chief of the New York City police on the news. He said, “We will never forget 9/11.” I thought, I hope not not. It’s your phone number. --Jimmy Carr

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Am I — am I dreaming? And if so, what a boring dream! (Yeah Mary, where do babies come from?)

July 2022

“In a major surprise this week, Senator Joe Manchin III agreed to support a climate, energy and tax package after previously saying that he wouldn’t. The bill is being hailed as a major step in U.S. efforts to combat global warming.  Joe Manchin is fighting climate change? Wait, am I dreaming? I have all my teeth, I’m not a skeleton, you’re all wearing clothes, I’m rich and famous — no, this is real.” —Stephen Colbert

“I can’t believe it! Joe Manchin agreed to vote for a bill? Which means Democrats might actually get something done? Am I — am I dreaming? And if so, what a boring dream!” —Trevor Noah

“People, I am told, are very excited about the bill, including President Biden, who said, ‘This is the action the American people have been waiting for.’ Technically, sir, technically, that was ‘Top Gun: Maverick.’ Cruise — Cruise has still got it.” —Stephen Colbert

“Also, what a week for Joe Biden, huh? First he defeated Covid, then he defeated low expectations. Look at you, Joe, look at you!” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's your patriotic duty to go bankrupt (The other 15% work for the Bush White House)

 

"According to a survey in this week's Time magazine, 85% of Americans think global warming is happening. The other 15% work for the Bush White House." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today President Bush took Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi to Graceland. The prime minister is a huge Elvis fan. There was one embarrassing moment when President Bush made the Japanese prime minister promise that when he visits Japan, he will take him to the Godzilla museum." --Jay Leno

 

"I'm surprised that Jessica Simpson is distancing herself from the president. I mean they have a lot in common: They're both from Texas, they're both under constant press scrutiny and they both have no clue about what's going on in Iraq." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or as bartenders put it, 'We've been expecting you.' (wine and nachos)

May 2014

"It's springtime and earlier today Chris Christie closed the George Washington Bridge for a pollen study." –David Letterman

"Yesterday President Obama made an unscheduled stop at a Little League game while he was on his way to a fundraiser. Yeah, because there's nothing parents love more than their kid's Little League game getting even longer." –Jimmy Fallon

"Vladimir Putin ordered all Russian troops stationed near Ukraine to be pulled back to their home bases. It’s the first time Putin has pulled back since that one time someone tried to hug him." –Seth Meyers

"Pope Francis will bring a rabbi and a Muslim leader with him when he travels to the Holy Land this week. Or as bartenders put it, 'We've been expecting you.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"It's primary season, which thanks to global warming, will soon be our last remaining season." –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Have you ever looked into Michele Bachmann's eyes? (we’re out of ice)

March 2012

"This was the week the Supreme Court heard all the arguments about health care. The mood in Washington very tense. Angry, incoherent Tea Party protesters were everywhere, including the five on the Supreme Court." –Bill Maher

"They made their decision but we will not hear about it until June. It’s like an election in Florida. Apparently they have made the call and I don’t want to bum you out but if you get cancer, put ice on it. And unfortunately, because of global warming, we’re out of ice." –Bill Maher

"African American Congressman Bobby Rush wore a hoodie on the floor of Congress to make a point this week. And they threw him out. They said a hoodie is too scary for Congress. Too scary? Have you ever looked into Michele Bachmann's eyes?" –Bill Maher

"We learned this week that Mitt Romney is building a car elevator in his house. An elevator for your cars. I get the feeling this guy wants to be president so he has a place to live while he's remodeling his beach house." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Herman Cain had more wins in Florida this year than the Miami Dolphins (The sun! Coffee! Toasters! Did I win?)

September 2011

"President Obama is criticizing Rick Perry for denying global warming. I can understand why Rick Perry doesn't take global warming seriously. As governor of Texas, he's probably fried more people than global warming all put together." –Jay Leno

"Herman Cain won the Republican straw poll in Florida. Cain has had more wins in Florida this year than the Miami Dolphins." –Jay Leno

"Joe Biden was a guest on 'The View' today. It was a little weird, When Whoopi said it was time for 'Hot Topics,' Biden was like, 'The sun! Coffee! Toasters! Did I win?'" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We should run a Google search for some better candidates (or as the Republicans call it...)

September 2011

"It's the first day of fall, or as the Republicans call it, 'the end of global warming.'" –Jay Leno

"The last Republican debate was sponsored by Google. I think Google can really help. We should run a Google search for some better candidates." –Jay Leno 

"Pakistan warned the United States to stop the rhetoric against their country or 'they will lose an ally.' Pakistan could become an enemy harboring terrorists – as opposed to an ally harboring terrorists." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Then things got really ugly when... (I had no idea the Pope even had a hot tub)

August 2011

"Several Fox News hosts criticized 'Spongebob Squarepants' for pushing a global warming agenda. Then things got really ugly when they demanded to see 'Dora the Explorer's' immigration papers." –Conan O'Brien

"The whole 4th season of 'Jersey Shore' takes place in Italy. I had no idea the Pope even had a hot tub." –Conan O'Brien

"It is completely inappropriate for the president to turn a year older when the nation is in crisis." –Stephen Colbert

"I say we live our lives the way our founding fathers intended: four-feet tall, crippled with rickets until we die of old age at 28." –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Sir, can you please just pay for your ice cream and go? (a real emergency: his poll numbers)

June 2011

"President Obama announced the beginning of withdrawal of troops from Afghanistan. He said last night, 'We can't stay there indefinitely.' You think our troops in Korea are going, 'HELLO, we've been here for 60 years.'" –Jay Leno

"A little information for the folks watching at home: Our entire studio audience tonight is all people who used to work for Newt Gingrich." –Jay Leno

"Today President Obama has released 30 million barrels of oil from the strategic petroleum reserve. He said it was in response to what he called a real emergency: his poll numbers." –Jay Leno

"According to reports, poor financial decisions with a Chicago brokerage firm cost Al-Qaida over $20 million in investments. Why are we risking the lives of our Navy SEALs? Send in Bernie Madoff. He will take care of these people. In five minutes they will be broke." –Jay Leno

"Al Gore publicly attacks President Obama for taking no bold action on global warming and not fighting hard enough to pass new legislation in Congress. Then the girl behind the counter said, 'Sir, can you please just pay for your ice cream and go?'" –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

but the good news was he was delicious... (Make your toilet great again!)

"Apparently something is going on over in Egypt. Anderson Cooper and his crew got attacked by pro-government forces. He got hit in the head about 10 times, and I think he got kicked in the Mini Cooper too." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The big rumor: Sarah Palin said she may run for president. I understand there's an opening in Egypt." –Jay Leno

"Today Al Gore blamed the current snow storms on global warming. Al Gore said, 'a rise in global temperature creates havoc ranging from hotter dry spells to colder winters, increasing violent storms, flooding, forest fires and loss of endangered species.' And finally Tipper said, 'Al will you just pay the kid for shoveling the walk, please.'" –Jay Leno

"Vice President Cheney says that it was an accident. He claims the guy got in his line of fire, but the good news was he was delicious. Eat what you shoot!" --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I didn't even know they knew how to use a camcorder (normal people when they're far away)

I got into an argument. I said women have a lower pain threshold than men. She said try childbirth. I said I had. How do you think I got here. --Jimmy Carr

When I was at school I had a friend called Anthony. Well I'm not proud of this but it happened. We're at a party, we were quite drunk. He was very drunk and he passed out. And myself and another friend shaved his eyebrows off. He was really surprised, but you couldn't tell. --Jimmy Carr

Watching sex on the telly with mum and dad, that's embarrassing. I didn't even know they knew how to use a camcorder. --Jimmy Carr

Global warming. It’s the kids I feel sorry for because if sea levels do rise they'll drown first. --Jimmy Carr

I met a girl that was scared of dwarves, so I asked her are you also scared of normal people when they're far away. --Jimmy Carr

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The Canadian terrorist group was led by Canadian mastermind, Gordy bin Laden (Yea right, if he had a birth certificate)

"Experts in the Gulf of Mexico say they are having trouble finding the oil and they think it's under water. They don't call them experts for nothing. " –David Letterman

"It's President Obama's birthday tomorrow. He'll be 49 years old. Yea right, if he had a birth certificate." –David Letterman 

"This was a little frightening. Over the weekend, the Royal Mounted Police up in Canada busted a group of Canadian terrorists -- a Canadian al Qaeda group. About 19 of them. Their motto was: 'Death to America, ey?' The Canadian terrorist group was led by Canadian mastermind, Gordy bin Laden." --David Letterman

"When it gets hot, so hot you can't stand it and the steam is rising from your scalp, do you worry about global warming? Well, George Bush is now also worried about global warming, but he has a plan. He's going to invade the sun." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”