NHL: Arizona Coyotes vs Tampa Bay Lightning

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

You know, Siberia’s not so bad (the difference between a chalupa and a chimichanga)

A Russian spy plane was spotted over New Jersey. Yeah. The Russian pilot was overheard saying, “You know, Siberia’s not so bad.” –Conan O’Brien

"Mel Martinez, the Senate's only Hispanic Republican, announced he's stepping down. When asked why, Martinez said, 'I'm sick of the other Republicans asking me the difference between a chalupa and a chimichanga.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

NHL: Arizona Coyotes vs Tampa Bay Lightning (Groucho Marx Hat Trick)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

NHL: Arizona Coyotes vs Tampa Bay Lightning

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

So what is their job now? (And so are you)

“There was another outrageous supreme court ruling this week: the 6-3 decision in West Virginia v EPA, which limits the Environmental Protection Agency’s power to regulate emissions from fossil fuel-fired power plants. The supreme court ruled that the Environmental Protection Agency does not have the authority to protect the environment…? So what is their job now? Just to look at the environment and be like ‘oh shit’?” —Trevor Noah

“I know many people around the country feel infuriated, depressed and like there’s no hope. But there is, there really is. There are grassroots organizations already doing the work on the ground in need of donations and volunteers. And as for the Democrats in power, there is something you can actually do. I have even written a poem addressed to Democratic lawmakers: Roses are red / Violets are blue / The people voted, so how about doing your fucking job passing laws to codify contraception, marriage equality and all the other rights the supreme court has basically threatened to take away / And so are you.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow, where were you guys $44 Billion ago! (He’s like the senator version of Nickelback)

November 2022

“We look to Georgia, where Herschel Walker has recruited the Texas senator Ted Cruz to help him on the runoff campaign trail. You know your campaign is in trouble when somebody picks up the phone and says ‘get us Ted Cruz right away!’ Nobody likes Ted Cruz, and yet somehow he’s still out there doing his thing. He’s like the senator version of Nickelback, it’s incredible.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Mike Pence has written a book called So Help Me God. The original title was Mother Locked Me Out and Now I Live on the Steps, but his editors told him to change it. The book will be released on November 15th, the same day that Trump has teased a ‘big announcement’ that many speculate will kick off his 2024 presidential campaign. That’s right, he can’t let Pence have anything, at all.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“There is chaos at Twitter, as Elon Musk’s new verification subscription plan has led to numerous accounts impersonating celebrities. Oh no, because anyone can buy verification, they’re now impersonating famous people, who could’ve seen this coming? What? Everyone? Wow, where were you guys $44 Billion ago!” —Trevor Noah

“I’m gonna be honest, and I’m going to be blunt here: Elon Musk is running Twitter into the ground. And it’s the best Twitter’s ever been. The thing is an absolute train wreck, and I’m here for it! Who knows, maybe all of this verified real fake people on Twitter chaos is actually part of Elon’s plan. Maybe this is what he’s doing on purpose. Soon no one will know a real account from a fake account, and then he’ll be like ‘guys, did you see someone impersonating me and spending $44 Billion on Twitter? That was crazy! Well I’m just gonna take my money and be on my way.’” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I hope not. It’s your phone number. (It took me ages to get her husband's voice right)

When I was at school I had a friend called Anthony. Well I'm not proud of this but it happened. We're at a party, we were quite drunk. He was very drunk and he passed out. And myself and another friend shaved his eyebrows off. He was really surprised, but you couldn't tell. --Jimmy Carr

Global warming. It’s the kids I feel sorry for because if sea levels do rise they'll drown first. --Jimmy Carr

I had a relationship with a blind girl, which was rewarding, but challenging. It took me ages to get her husband's voice right. --Jimmy Carr

I saw the chief of the New York City police on the news. He said, “We will never forget 9/11.” I thought, I hope not not. It’s your phone number. --Jimmy Carr

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It also must have been a shock to Canadians, you know? (but in your case I'll make an exception)

July 2022

“Pope Francis issued an apology to Indigenous Canadians on Monday, saying he was ‘deeply sorry’ for the ways in which ‘many Christians supported the colonizing mentality of the powers that oppressed the Indigenous peoples.’ I’m glad he is doing that. It also must have been a shock to Canadians, you know? Someone coming and apologizing to them?” —Trevor Noah

“And you know beyond the pope, the pope is great in all of this but you know who the heroes of the story are? The Indigenous people, yeah. For not just speaking to the pope but for forgiving him, even letting him wear their traditional headdress. That was amazing. It was gracious, you know? Unless they were just setting him up for a trap, you know? Like, ‘We let bygones be bygones, please accept this headdress,’ snap photo, ‘And you’re canceled, mother [bleep]! We got you — cultural appropriation.’” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know, when the Republicans said, 'drill everywhere,' I had no idea. (growth package)

 

"Both the Republicans and the Democrats have competing growth packages. Let me tell you something, the only person with a growth package in this country that works -- Barry Bonds." --Jay Leno

"The government is scheduled to launch a mission to Pluto. Apparently this is President Bush's last chance to find those weapons of mass destruction." --Jay Leno

"Well, here's a great scandal. Federal investigators say that members of the Bush administration who were in charge of overseeing billions of dollars in oil royalties received gifts and had illicit sex with oil company employees. They actually had sex with the oil company employees. You know, when the Republicans said, 'drill everywhere,' I had no idea." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The last time someone else tooted Trump's horn it cost him $130,000 (Well, the word ‘lit’ is ruined)

"Mitt Romney’s former campaign manager has launched a super PAC to stop Hillary Clinton from becoming president. It makes sense because if there's one thing Romney's campaign manager is good at, it's stopping someone from becoming president." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that only 31 percent of Americans would want to sit next to Mitt Romney on a flight. Romney was so upset, he was like, 'I don't understand. How would they get on my private jet?'" –Jimmy Fallon

In a speech last night, Donald Trump said sometimes you have to toot your own horn because nobody else is going to do it. The last time someone else tooted Trump's horn it cost him $130,000. --Jimmy Fallon

After Justice Kennedy announced his retirement, Donald Trump Jr. sent a tweet. And this is real — it said, “OMG! Just when you thought this week couldn't get more lit… I give you Anthony Kennedy's retirement from #SCOTUS.” Everyone who read that was like, “Well, the word ‘lit’ is ruined.” --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves (we can assume it wasn’t confession)

"This weekend over 37,000 people went to Denver to participate in the 4th annual Cannabis Cup. And they all made memories that would last a few minutes." –Seth Meyers

President Trump and Pope Francis today had a 30-minute long meeting in the Pope’s private study. We don’t know what they talked about, but since it was only 30 minutes, we can assume it wasn’t confession. –Seth Meyers

"The NRA is accusing a Texas gun rights group of going too far after the group posted YouTube videos of their members walking into restaurants with semi-automatic rifles. The NRA saying you've gone too far is like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves." –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's like the White House version of 'Freaky Friday.' (It is expected to be very popular...at first)

April 2014

"While he was in Japan today, President Obama visited a science museum, where he played soccer with a robot. Joe Biden is negotiating with the prime minister in Ukraine, and Obama is playing soccer with a robot. It's like the White House version of 'Freaky Friday.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is visiting Japan, and for dinner last night he had $300 sushi. That's a lot of dough, but you know, it comes with unlimited bread sticks. And Mercury poisoning is covered by Obamacare." –David Letterman

"Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel announced plans to build the Barack Obama College Preparatory High School, which will open in 2017. The Obama school is expected to be very popular...at first." –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I do the best I can in two hours (two experiences that come once in a lifetime)

I’m glad you like my Catherine. I like her too. She ruled thirty million people and had three thousand lovers. I do the best I can in two hours. –Mae West (1892-1980), speaking from the stage after her performance in Catherine the Great

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. –Groucho Marx

I believe in sex and death - two experiences that come once in a lifetime. –Woody Allen, Sleeper, 1973

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know what else makes you do crazy things? (Don’t act like y’all didn’t know I had psoriasis)

April 2022

During his acceptance speech Will Smith said, ‘Love will make you do crazy things.’ You know what else makes you do crazy things? Crazy. —Michael Che

But I understand where Will’s coming from. I mean you can’t expect him to sit there and watch another man jump all over his wife without signing a Non-Disclosure Agreement. —Michael Che

Can we also stop pretending that everybody knew Jada had alopecia. As much as we heard about Jada and Will’s personal lives, you can’t expect us to retain everything. It’s like Kanye saying, ‘Don’t act like y’all didn’t know I had psoriasis.’ —Michael Che

Just selfishly as a comedian I’m tired of people putting their own insecurities on my joke intentions. I can’t make a joke about it being cold outside without somebody yelling back, ‘Stop making fun of my small penis!’ —Michael Che

Not to mention, Chris Rock has been very public about his non-verbal learning disorder. Which means it’s hard for him to understand non-verbal signals. Sort of like how he saw an angry Will Smith charging toward him, and instead of moving out of the way he put both hands behind his back, smiled and said, ‘Uh-Oh.’ —Michael Che

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So basically, they’re the Lakers (Haze a nipple heave)

March 2022

Some military experts have been surprised that despite having superior firepower the Russian army has been slowed by aging equipment, poor motivation and inept leadership. So basically, they’re the Lakers. —Colin Jost

The House voted to award the congressional gold medal to the only female all-black unit to serve in World War II. And Tyler Perry plays them all in his new film Inglorious Basterds. —Colin Jost

Dunkin’ Donuts has announced a new beverage called the Shamrock Macchiato, which combines espresso, vanilla and Irish creme. It’s the festive, sugary drink that will have you saying, Top O’ the Morning and losing the bottom O’ your leg. —Colin Jost

 Pat Sajak is asking Wheel of Fortune fans to stop making fun of the two contestants who were unable to solve an easy saying, ‘Have a little heart.’ Or as the contestants would guess, ‘Haze a nipple heave.’ —Colin Jost

According to a new study, just one drink a day may shrink the overall volume of your brain. Though I think I speak for all alcohol enthusiasts when I say, ‘Buh?’ —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The last thing we need is Trump learning more about segregation (onion rings instead of fries)

Donald Trump observed the holiday by visiting the National Museum of

African American History, or more accurately, canceling his visit to the

National Museum of African American History. Although I guess in a

way that might be good. The last thing we need is Trump learning more

about segregation. –Stephen Colbert

Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey is officially cutting down. Apparently, the circus doesn't think it could compete against a Trump presidency. –Stephen Colbert

"Yesterday, the House Intelligence Committee released materials that they got from Lev Parnas, a Ukrainian businessman, that have been described as ‘a trove of ridiculously incriminating impeachment evidence.’ That’s pretty bad, because when it comes to Trump crime, the scale goes: incriminating, very incriminating, ridiculously incriminating and Rudy on merlot.” —Stephen Colbert

"After disappointing showings in Iowa and New Hampshire, Newt's campaign looked terminally ill – which is generally when he moves on to something better." –Stephen Colbert

The union for air traffic controllers is worried because their members are not getting enough sleep. Due to the shutdown, unpaid air traffic controllers are waiting tables and driving for Uber in the time left over from their 10 hour shifts. That’s dangerous! You don’t want burnt out air traffic controllers waiting tables. You could end up with onion rings instead of fries. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry  

 

We need to reallocate our nerds (Could you start early?)

October 2013

"Today President Obama was in so much trouble he called Hillary Clinton and he said, 'Could you start early?'" –David Letterman

"Over the weekend it came out that the U.S. has been listening in on German Chancellor Angela Merkel's cellphone since 2002. At this point, I feel like the only world leader our government DOESN'T listen to is President Obama." –Jimmy Fallon

"The U.S. has been spying on German Chancellor Angela Merkel for more than 10 years. Merkel actually called Obama to say that eavesdropping on allies 'is not acceptable.' Then Obama said, 'Yeah, well that's not what you said to England.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"There are new reports that the NSA has been monitoring communications of 35 leaders. Germany's Angela Merkel is one of our closest allies and she is not happy about this. She called President Obama to give him an earful — and it takes a lot to get those ears full." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"If the NSA agents are like most men they were probably only pretending to listen to what she was saying anyway." –Jimmy Kimmel

"They ought to take all of the guys who are so good at hacking into phone calls and put them to work fixing HealthCare.gov. We need to reallocate our nerds." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How about we just stand side by side? (Who am I to judge them?)

August 2013

"The latest scandal for Anthony Weiner is that his communications director called a former intern a 'slut bag.' But Weiner says he won't fire the communications director and vows to stand beside her. And she was like, 'How about we just stand side by side?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The big 'Smurfs' movie sequel is out. It's cute little elves that live together in harmony. And the Pope said, 'Who am I to judge them?'" –David Letterman

"President Obama is going to appear on 'The Tonight Show' with Jay Leno. That's going to be awesome. The most powerful man in the country is going to interview President Obama." –Craig Ferguson

"In a new interview, Republican Senator John McCain implied that he might vote for Hillary Clinton in 2016. McCain's getting old. He also said he'd consider voting for oatmeal." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Jon Stewart on the Boston Marathon bombing (April 2013)

April 2013

Jon Stewart on the Boston Marathon bombing:

"Once again, having to start under horrific events here in this country. I really hate the fact that I can cross-reference my thoughts to so many other events that have occurred over the years — so I'm not going to. I'm just going to say this to Boston: Thank you. Thank you for once again, in the face of gross inhumanity, inspiring and solidifying my belief in humanity and the people of this country.

So thank you for everything you've done. It's a quite a little city you've got going on up there. And New Yorkers and Boston obviously have kind of a little bit of a competition. Often, the two cities accusing each other of various levels of suckitude. But it is in situations like this that we realize it is clearly a sibling rivalry, and that we are your brothers and sisters in this type of event. As a city that knows the feeling of confusion, anger, and grief, and chaos that comes with these events, I can tell you from personal experience: You've got a hell of a city going on, and you've done an incredible job in the face of all this. Thank you."

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Just tell me one thing – is it General Petraeus? (Groucho Marxism)

November 2012

"This weekend, it was announced that Justin Bieber and his girlfriend, Selena Gomez, have broken up. Bieber said, 'Just tell me one thing – is it General Petraeus?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The James Bond movie 'Skyfall' came in No. 1 this weekend with $88 million. It's about a spy who fights terrorists and sleeps with a lot of women. Critics are calling it 'well-made,' while David Petraeus is calling it 'relatable.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"Get this. After all the confusion at the polls in Florida last week, Governor Rick Scott said he will review ways to improve his state's voting procedures. It'll be the biggest thing Scott's done since he won that raffle to become governor." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”