Unfortunately though, he couldn't get anyone to cover his shift at Arby’s (So glad they caught her in time)

Star Wars actor Mark Hamill revealed he wanted to flee the US after Donald Trump was elected a second time. Unfortunately though, he couldn't get anyone to cover his shift at Arby’s. —Greg Gutfeld

A Danish woman donated her daughter's pony to the local zoo to be fed to lions. Authorities intervened when they realized it wasn't a pony at all, but a confused and very lost Sarah Jessica Parker. So glad they caught her in time. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A complex world demands complex hair (I always assumed I would be impeached)

"Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.'" –David Letterman

"Last week I announced that I'm retiring. Now I'm hoping I can hang on long enough so my son can take over the show. I never thought I would retire. I always assumed I would be impeached." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's a holiday! (Ha, ha! Good one, said Iraq)

That's right. 89 years ago today, Colonel Sanders founded fast-food chain KFC. And boy, was Trump pissed when he found out he still had to come to work today. Meyers as Trump, "It's a holiday!" --Seth Meyers

When asked today if the Russian election was free and fair, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, quote, "We're focused on our elections. We don't get to dictate how other countries operate." "Ha, ha! Good one," said Iraq. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I will never have to take Viagra again (Jeb Bush's spirit)

It came out that Donald Trump ranks his favorite Fox News reporters on how much they are loyal to him. Sean Hannity gets a 10. He gets an 11 if he’s wearing heels. But Trump’s top ranking host is Fox and Friends host Steve Doocy, who gets a 12. When Doocy heard this he said, “I will never have to take Viagra again.” --Jimmy Kimmel

According to the Annual Happiness Report the top 10 were Denmark, Switzerland, Iceland, Norway, Finland, Canada, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Australia, and Sweden. Basically all the countries represented in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. –Jimmy Kimmel

All the candidates have merchandise for sale. Even the candidates who've dropped out. Jeb Bush has the “Guaca Bowle.” This is a guacamole bowl with Jeb's logo on it. Now you can do to avocados what Donald Trump did to Jeb Bush's spirit. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He'll be wearing his formal wife beaters (leaving his house with his most prized possessions)

Kid Rock is scheduled to perform at Donald Trump's inaugural celebration. Because of the occasions historical importance he'll be wearing his formal wife beaters. —Greg Gutfeld                    

Climate Warrior Leo DiCaprio has fled LA on a private jet as the fires continue to rage. He was seen seen leaving his house with his most prized possessions Britney and Amber. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The price of a Big Mac (Who’s Hitler?)

SpaceX is planning to build a Mars rocket right here in Los Angeles. The voyage to Mars will take nine months, but eight of those months will be spent just getting out of L.A. --Conan O’Brien

At today’s Easter Egg Roll, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer read a book to children. Afterwards, all the kids had the same question: “Who’s Hitler?” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, I was expecting someone else. Sorry. (and he hasn't seen her since)

Finally, this is interesting. Denmark is building a 43-mile-long fence along its border with Germany to keep out wild pigs. And just to mess with Trump, Mexico agreed to pay for it. --Jimmy Fallon

An Australian company has developed a new pair of smart yoga pants that vibrate when you hold a yoga pose correctly. One man got a pair for his wife, and he hasn't seen her since. –Jimmy Fallon

Arnold Schwarzenegger met Pope Francis at the Vatican today. When the Pope heard it was the guy that said, “I’ll be back,” he said, “Oh, I was expecting someone else. Sorry.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Let's go after the guy who makes the Junior Jumble so hard (Defenders of the status quo)

"Last night at the Democratic convention, Bill and Hillary Clinton were in an elevator when it got stuck between floors for five minutes. A spokesman called it a minor technical glitch, while Bill called it 'my own personal hell.'" --Conan O'Brien

A Chinese investment firm has bought the company behind the Batman movies. Which explains why in the next Batman movie, a young Bruce Wayne sees his parents killed, then goes back to making iPhones at the factory. –Conan O’Brien

"President Bush asked people around the world to stop the violence that has erupted over controversial cartoons in a Danish newspaper. President Bush said instead, ‘let's go after the guy who makes the Junior Jumble so hard.’" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

And I'm thinking, why didn't we get a president like that instead of George W. Bush? (I mean, luckily something like that couldn't happen today)

"According to reports, Fidel Castro is alert and being briefed. And I'm thinking, why didn't we get a president like that instead of George W. Bush?" --David Letterman

"People say Hillary Clinton has a brand new diamond ring, an enormous diamond ring. The last time anybody saw a rock that big, it was going through a window at the Danish embassy." --David Letterman

"Today is a historic day. On this day in 1804 Vice President Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton. A vice president shooting a guy? I mean, luckily something like that couldn't happen today." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I can't believe it. I caved in. I feel awful (Welcome to the Internet, grandpa)

"President Obama finally has his own personal Twitter account. Even John McCain said, 'Welcome to the Internet, grandpa.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"If you're going to do a Chris Christie joke, just say, 'Christie spent $82,000 at a concession stand at MetLife Stadium. Then he turned to his friends and said, 'You guys want anything?'' That's a joke. I can't believe it. I caved in. I feel awful." –Jimmy Fallon

A new poll found that 90 percent of Native Americans aren't bothered by the controversial name of the Washington Redskins. It turns out the name Native Americans dislike the most is still the Cowboys. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Who wants to lick the swatter? (They’re seasoned with garlic AND Purell)

“As for calls from some pundits to send people back to work or sacrifice lives for the the economy – maybe what happened here is a bunch of rich people realized that in order to both save lives and protect the economy, they’d have to redistribute some wealth to working people, and that was intolerable to them. Because there’s a third option here: we can keep people at home to save lives and give them money to get through the crisis. Other countries, such as Denmark and the Netherlands, have guaranteed to pay most of the salaries for companies shut down by the pandemic. We could have that here. Instead, the president wants you to go back to work in three weeks even if it means wearing a hazmat suit during your shift at Olive Garden – ‘Would you like unlimited breadsticks? They’re seasoned with garlic AND Purell.’” —Seth Meyers

“From the very start of this crisis, Donald Trump has desperately tried to wish it away with magical thinking. Which makes sense, because for most of his life, magical thinking has worked for him. I mean, he’s failed at virtually everything he’s ever done, but magically, he always avoids consequences. Trump’s handling of the pandemic is like those stories you hear about a small town that elects a dog as mayor every year – sure, it might seem fun at the time to have a dog mayor but what happens when there’s a thunderstorm, and you need the mayor to coordinate disaster relief, but he won’t come out from underneath the couch.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Basically all the countries represented in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition (I don't always aim...)

According to the Annual Happiness Report the top 10 were

Denmark, Switzerland, Iceland, Norway, Finland, Canada, the

Netherlands, New Zealand, Australia, and Sweden. Basically

all the countries represented in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit

edition. –Jimmy Kimmel

They did a study, there's an increase in fatal heart attacks in the three days after we change the clocks. Probably from looking at your watch, realizing you were supposed to have picked up your kid at preschool an hour ago. –Jimmy Kimmel

“Joe Biden did well with voters over 45, and Bernie Sanders did well with voters under 45. Basically, if you’re a Democrat who’s had a colonoscopy, Joe is your guy.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I feel like the record is longer than that said the people of New Orleans (Don’t get on that boat!)

March 2023

President Biden said that he supports a bill that would allow the government to ban TikTok. But only because Biden thinks TikTok is a gang member from his old neighborhood. —Michael Che

It was reported that the organizers of King Charles’ coronation have officially invited Meghan Markle, and this is nice, at a starting salary of $19 an hour. —Michael Che

A deep sea diver has announced plans to set a new world record by living underwater for 100 days. I feel like the record is longer than that said the people of New Orleans. —Michael Che

A photo has gone viral of a 98 year old woman in Kentucky meeting her first great great great grandchild. Wow, I wish I had gotten to meet my great great great grandmother so I could have told her, ‘Don’t get on that boat!’ —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Do not leave the house unless you absolutely need to buy weed (a handful of ridiculously wealthy, powerful psychopaths)

Donald Trump's speech fell nine minutes short of breaking President Clinton's record for the longest State of the Union. And when he heard that, Trump grabbed the mic and spent 10 minutes reading the iTunes user agreement.  --Jimmy Fallon

Finally, this is interesting. Denmark is building a 43-mile-long fence along its border with Germany to keep out wild pigs. And just to mess with Trump, Mexico agreed to pay for it. --Jimmy Fallon

Today was also bitterly cold in the Northeast, with lows in the single digits. And I cannot stress this part enough, okay? Do not leave the house unless you absolutely need to buy weed. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And just to mess with Trump, Mexico agreed to pay for it (Pink Floyd did an entire album about me)

I saw that Donald Trump himself is selling inauguration sweatshirts for $79. I know it sounds expensive for a sweatshirt, but just imagine how much they would have cost if they were made in America. –Jimmy Fallon

Finally, this is interesting. Denmark is building a 43-mile-long fence along its border with Germany to keep out wild pigs. And just to mess with Trump, Mexico agreed to pay for it. --Jimmy Fallon

President Trump signed executive orders to continue construction on the controversial Keystone and Dakota Access oil pipelines. I guess he hasn’t seen a massive protest since Saturday and kinda misses it. –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump was like, big deal -- Pink Floyd did an entire album about me called "The Wall," and I made them pay for it. –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The father of ignorance and the weapon of tyrants (Would you like unlimited breadsticks?)

“As for calls from some pundits to send people back to work or sacrifice lives for the the economy – maybe what happened here is a bunch of rich people realized that in order to both save lives and protect the economy, they’d have to redistribute some wealth to working people, and that was intolerable to them. Because there’s a third option here: we can keep people at home to save lives and give them money to get through the crisis. Other countries, such as Denmark and the Netherlands, have guaranteed to pay most of the salaries for companies shut down by the pandemic. We could have that here. Instead, the president wants you to go back to work in three weeks even if it means wearing a hazmat suit during your shift at Olive Garden – ‘Would you like unlimited breadsticks? They’re seasoned with garlic AND Purell.’” —Seth Meyers

“From the very start of this crisis, Donald Trump has desperately tried to wish it away with magical thinking. Which makes sense, because for most of his life, magical thinking has worked for him. I mean, he’s failed at virtually everything he’s ever done, but magically, he always avoids consequences. Trump’s handling of the pandemic is like those stories you hear about a small town that elects a dog as mayor every year – sure, it might seem fun at the time to have a dog mayor but what happens when there’s a thunderstorm, and you need the mayor to coordinate disaster relief, but he won’t come out from underneath the couch.” —Seth Meyers

​​New Jersey police recently arrested a man for bringing a doughnut filled with Xanax pills to a local high school student. Officials first became suspicious when an adult man showed up to a high school to deliver a single doughnut. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

all the countries represented in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition (So he’s been training for this really for his whole life)

"Yesterday Rick Santorum greeted the locals by telling them if Puerto Rico wants to become a state, they need to start speaking English. Only Rick Santorum would go to someone's native land and tell them they're speaking the wrong language." –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump is right now gearing up for his first State of the Union speech; it’s tomorrow night. State of the Union is the one day of the year presidents are supposed to brag about their accomplishments. So he’s been training for this really for his whole life. --Jimmy Kimmel

According to the Annual Happiness Report the top 10 were Denmark, Switzerland, Iceland, Norway, Finland, Canada, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Australia, and Sweden. Basically all the countries represented in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tiger Woods called a press conference for Friday morning. Only select journalists will be invited and no questions will be taken. Essentially, we’re going to listen to him read. Maybe he’ll announce a new batch of mistresses for 2010." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

just imagine how much they would have cost if they were made in America (They'll still be free at the airport)

I saw that Donald Trump himself is selling inauguration sweatshirts for $79. I know it sounds expensive for a sweatshirt, but just imagine how much they would have cost if they were made in America. –Jimmy Fallon

"Republicans and Democrats are working on a new bill to streamline the healthcare system. It will reduce the cost of mammograms and prostate exams. But don't worry. They'll still be free at the airport." –Jimmy Fallon

President Trump signed executive orders to continue construction on the controversial Keystone and Dakota Access oil pipelines. I guess he hasn’t seen a massive protest since Saturday and kinda misses it. –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump was like, big deal -- Pink Floyd did an entire album about me called "The Wall," and I made them pay for it. –Jimmy Fallon

Finally, this is interesting. Denmark is building a 43-mile-long fence along its border with Germany to keep out wild pigs. And just to mess with Trump, Mexico agreed to pay for it. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We just got rid of our pro-Russian leader, and he was a disaster (he will do anything to ruin Black History Month)

January 2022

“Russia’s movement to amass troops on the Ukrainian border, which has prompted Joe Biden to consider deploying thousands of troops to eastern Europe and the Baltics. The US isn’t the only country making moves – Denmark deployed F-16 planes to Lithuania, France has prepared to send troops to Romania, and Spain is sending four fighter jets to Bulgaria. Why all the posturing? On Saturday, the British government accused Moscow of scheming to install a pro-Russia government in Ukraine. Oh Ukraine, you don’t want that. We just got rid of our pro-Russian leader, and he was a disaster.” —Stephen Colbert

“An executive order, which Trump tried to keep hidden from the public, outlined plans to seize voting machines after the 2020 election. In the attempt to overturn the election, the former president wanted the military to seize the voting machines! The only thing standing between us and authoritarian takeover would’ve been elderly poll workers. Is this getting through to everyone here, that he was going to militarize the election, and seize the votes? The order would have given the voting machines to the defense department for a 60-day review, keeping Trump in power until at least mid-February 2021. Man, he will do anything to ruin Black History Month.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

The judge also ruled that President Obama's Kenyan uncle is an amazing name for a band (Unemployment benefits)

December 2013

"Last week a man was locked in an airplane for several hours after he fell asleep during a flight and nobody woke up him up when it landed. But other than that, Joe Biden had a great trip to Asia." –Jimmy Fallon

"North Korea has confirmed that Kim Jong Un has fired his uncle. Unemployment benefits in North Korea include two weeks' severance and not being shot." –Conan O'Brien

"Some are saying that while at Nelson Mandela's memorial, President Obama flirted with the female prime minister of Denmark right in front of Michelle Obama. Man, if President Obama felt that the flight to South Africa was long, can you imagine the way home?" –Conan O'Brien

"A federal judge has ruled that President Obama's Kenyan uncle may remain in the United Sates. The judge also ruled that President Obama's Kenyan uncle is an amazing name for a band." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama shook hands with Cuban dictator Raul Castro. Or as Fox News reported it, 'Foreign communist shakes hands with the leader of Cuba.'" -Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry