The trick is not to form an emotional bond (That is my defense)

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond. --Jimmy Carr

I quite like those phone sex lines. It’s the only place in the world where premature ejaculation is an advantage. --Jimmy Carr

When a dog is in heat it means it wants sex. That is my defense. --Jimmy Carr

Women like to dance with men because women think if they dance with a man they'll be able to tell what he's like in the bedroom. And it is a good indicator. I tend to dance for about 30 seconds then have a bit of a cry. --Jimmy Carr

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

for that kind of money we could have another three weeks in Iraq (it doesn't work as well on shark bites)

Creationists, the hardline right-wing Christians believe every word Genesis says. I don't even think Phil Collins is a good drummer. --Jimmy Carr

Eight billion pounds is a lot of money to spend on the Olympics in London. I mean for that kind of money we could have another three weeks in Iraq. --Jimmy Carr

Do you know you’re meant to do if you're stung by a jellyfish? I went on holiday, everyone else knew. I didn't know. They told me, they said if you get stung by a jellyfish you’re supposed to pee on it. I'll tell you this much, it doesn't work as well on shark bites. The boy's family were livid. Apparently once they've been dead a couple of hours there is nothing you can do. --Jimmy Carr

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I hope not. It’s your phone number. (It took me ages to get her husband's voice right)

When I was at school I had a friend called Anthony. Well I'm not proud of this but it happened. We're at a party, we were quite drunk. He was very drunk and he passed out. And myself and another friend shaved his eyebrows off. He was really surprised, but you couldn't tell. --Jimmy Carr

Global warming. It’s the kids I feel sorry for because if sea levels do rise they'll drown first. --Jimmy Carr

I had a relationship with a blind girl, which was rewarding, but challenging. It took me ages to get her husband's voice right. --Jimmy Carr

I saw the chief of the New York City police on the news. He said, “We will never forget 9/11.” I thought, I hope not not. It’s your phone number. --Jimmy Carr

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm joking she loves it (and we call that one our favorite)

How's this for crazy? Though we've been together eight years my girlfriend still gets upset if I use her toothbrush. That's crazy isn't it when you consider how intimate we've been. And if you can tell me a better way to get dog shit out of sneakers I'd love to fucking hear about it. --Jimmy Carr

I just don't understand it why would you become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance you might get 72 virgins when you die. Become a Catholic priest and have them now. --Jimmy Carr

I was chatting to a guy at a party and he asked what does your girlfriend do? I said anything but anal. I'm joking she loves it. --Jimmy Carr

Some women worry about one breast being smaller than the other. But focus on the positive. One of them is bigger, and we call that one our favorite. --Jimmy Carr

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Does this rag smell of chloroform to you? (Dear Lord, what was all that about?)

I just don't understand it why would you become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance you might get 72 virgins when you die. Become a Catholic priest and have them now. --Jimmy Carr

My favorite thing about natural disasters, and I know it's wrong to have a list. Certainly getting it laminated was a mistake. But my favorite thing about natural disasters is they call them Acts of God. And then two days later they have a Day of Prayer. So a Day of Prayer for an Act of God. How does that prayer go? “Dear Lord, what was all that about?”  --Jimmy Carr

One of the best pick-up lines is to ask a woman, “Does this rag smell of chloroform to you?” --Jimmy Carr

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

are you also scared of normal people when they're far away (the way we do it)

I had a very awkward moment onstage where someone from right in the back of the room shouted, "Are you ever going to have children?!" I said, "It's a perfectly reasonable question. I don't want to make you feel bad for asking, but my girlfriend and I actually can't have children.....the way we do it." --Jimmy Carr

People worry about their physical appearance. We all have silly hang-ups. Personally, I worry that one of my balls is bigger than the other two. --Jimmy Carr

I feel that I'm getting old. I was watching porn last week, and I found myself thinking, "That bed looks comfy." --Jimmy Carr

I met a girl that was scared of dwarves, so I asked her are you also scared of normal people when they're far away. --Jimmy Carr

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently once they've been dead a couple of hours there is nothing you can do (It took me ages to get her husband's voice right)

I had a relationship with a blind girl, which was rewarding, but challenging. It took me ages to get her husband's voice right. --Jimmy Carr

I saw the chief of the New York City police on the news. He said, “We will never forget 9/11.” I thought, I hope not not. It’s your phone number. --Jimmy Carr

Do you know you’re meant to do if you're stung by a jellyfish? I went on holiday, everyone else knew. I didn't know. They told me, they said if you get stung by a jellyfish you’re supposed to pee on it. I'll tell you this much, it doesn't work as well on shark bites. The boy's family were livid. Apparently once they've been dead a couple of hours there is nothing you can do. --Jimmy Carr

Creationists,  the hardline right-wing Christians believe every word Genesis says. I don't even think Phil Collins is a good drummer. --Jimmy Carr

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I didn't even know they knew how to use a camcorder (normal people when they're far away)

I got into an argument. I said women have a lower pain threshold than men. She said try childbirth. I said I had. How do you think I got here. --Jimmy Carr

When I was at school I had a friend called Anthony. Well I'm not proud of this but it happened. We're at a party, we were quite drunk. He was very drunk and he passed out. And myself and another friend shaved his eyebrows off. He was really surprised, but you couldn't tell. --Jimmy Carr

Watching sex on the telly with mum and dad, that's embarrassing. I didn't even know they knew how to use a camcorder. --Jimmy Carr

Global warming. It’s the kids I feel sorry for because if sea levels do rise they'll drown first. --Jimmy Carr

I met a girl that was scared of dwarves, so I asked her are you also scared of normal people when they're far away. --Jimmy Carr

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

And that is where I should have stopped (she would be spinning in her ditch)

I feel that I'm getting old. I was watching porn last week, and I found myself thinking, "That bed looks comfy." --Jimmy Carr

If my grandmother knew how much money I spent on her funeral, she would be spinning in her ditch. --Jimmy Carr

People ask, what's the most important thing in a relationship? And I think trust. Because if you're with a woman and you don't 100% trust her, how do you know she's not going to tell your wife? --Jimmy Carr

Have you all had the sexual-history conversation? It's the conversation that happens about maybe six months into a relationship when things are getting a little bit serious. And it tends to be the woman will ask the man. She'll say, "I'd like to know about your sexual history." And the man will think, "No, you wouldn't." But in my experience, the woman doesn't ask once and then move on if you do not want to answer. She keeps on asking and asking and asking, till, eventually, you feel like you have you to give an answer. It's what happened with me. I was cornered. I had to list everyone I'd ever been with, from the girl I lost my virginity to, right the way up to her. And that is where I should have stopped. --Jimmy Carr

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I guess they weren't expecting to see me in there (...the way we do it)

When Donald Trump first took to office, little did he know. --Jimmy Carr

Of course, Donald Trump ran on a campaign saying that he wanted to build a wall. I think that's his one good idea, because walls work. It's irrefutable. I was in China last year -- I didn't see one Mexican. --Jimmy Carr

I had a very awkward moment onstage where someone from right in the back of the room shouted, "Are you ever going to have children?!" I said, "It's a perfectly reasonable question. I don't want to make you feel bad for asking, but my girlfriend and I actually can't have children..." "...the way we do it." --Jimmy Carr

10% of women have cried in a store fitting room. I guess they weren't expecting to see me in there. --Jimmy Carr

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”