Follow the Money - All the President's Men (1976)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Because that's how you get demons (everyone will be watching)

October 2022

“There is a video of Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer hiding from the mob, relaying reports of rioters defecating in the Capitol. When I was watching this happen, I thought to myself it’s so interesting how people like Tucker Carlson were calling black people animals when the George Floyd protests were happening. But when these people were literally shitting in the Capitol, Fox was like, ‘These brave patriots are just expressing their frustration and standing up for American democracy!’ They’re not the animals? I can tell you for a fact that in Minnesota when shit was going down and people were raiding that Target, there was no black man who stopped in the middle of all of that and defecated.” —Trevor Noah

“As for Trump’s subpoena, I have one question: How are they only deciding on this now? Only now? It’s like doing a whole murder investigation and on the last day being like, ‘Should we, like, talk to the murderer?’” —Trevor Noah

“While most people assume Trump will not cooperate, but maybe the former president might feel conflicted. On the one hand, yes, he thinks this is a crooked witch-hunt that is out to get him, but on the other hand, the ratings. Can you imagine the ratings? This would be like the Super Bowl meets Watergate meets Game of Thrones meets a mandatory HR video about sexual harassment – everyone will be watching.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which will mean floods, hurricanes and late-night monologue jokes about pestilence (But did you die?)

Recently a new study on climate change predicted that at the current rate of greenhouse gas emissions temperatures will rise to unprecedented levels by 2047 and by then everyone will be completely fed up with being asked if it's hot enough for them. —Jimmy Dore 12/6/13

The study's researchers believe massive climate change is inevitable which will mean floods, hurricanes and late-night monologue jokes about pestilence. —Jimmy Dore 12/6/13

I have been listening to Richard Nixon’s Watergate tapes. His conversations from the spring of 1973 show a president so dispirited he barely had the strength to blame the Jews. —Jimmy Dore 9/26/13

As Americans we probably forgive more than we should. I mean we still give George Bush credit that 9/11 only happened once. —Jimmy Dore 4/22/13

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

to put it into context, the green M&M not being sexy any more also enraged his base (He is the messiah)

August 2022

“We do know that the raid was part of an ongoing investigation initiated by the National Archives and Records Administration. That’s right, he’s going to be taken down by the librarians! They’re coming for you, baby. They’re organized, they know where everything is, and you never know from which way they’re coming because they’re so quiet. They are silent but deadly.” —Stephen Colbert

“Well, first, Watergate was Dick Nixon breaking the law. This was the law breaking in on a dick. Second, Watergate was an illegal burglary by political mercenaries called ‘the plumbers’. This was the FBI with a legal warrant signed by a judge because of evidence of probable cause. You may not like it, but it’s how the government works. The same reason you don’t hear 911 calls that go ‘Help! I’ve been robbed! The IRS has been stealing small amounts regularly from all of my paychecks.’” —Stephen Colbert

“The FBI raided Mar-a-Lago. You know you’ve done some shady stuff when the FBI shows up and you’re like ‘and which investigation is this regarding?’” —Jimmy Fallon

“The raid was a big deal, as it not only set off a political firestorm but also enraged Trump’s base. Although, to put it into context, the green M&M not being sexy any more also enraged his base.” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was really just a potluck that got out of hand (Are we supposed to believe that was a coincidence?)

June 2022

“Members of The Late Show production team were detained while filming near the U.S. Capitol last week. My staff was in Washington to shoot Triumph the Insult Comic Dog interviewing members of Congress about the January 6th hearings. Triumph is a bipartisan puppy. He’s so neutral, he’s neutered. My staff were all detained, processed and released. A very unpleasant experience for my staff, a lot of paperwork for the Capitol Police, but a fairly simple story — until the next night, when a couple of the TV people started claiming that my puppet squad had committed insurrection at the U.S. Capitol building. This was first-degree puppetry; this was high jinks with intent to goof; misappropriation of an old Conan’ bit.” —Stephen Colbert

“The Capitol Police are much more cautious than they were, say, 18 months ago, and for a very good reason. If you don’t know what that reason is, I know what news network you watch.” —Stephen Colbert

“After all, Thursday night, the night they were detained, was the 50th anniversary of the Watergate break-in. Are we supposed to believe that was a coincidence? Yes.” —Stephen Colbert

“As the committee will detail, the Trump administration planned to send fake electors from the states Biden won to the declare themselves the ‘real’ electors, via false electoral college certificates. Did they really think that was going to work? Why not just have the former president show up to the inauguration in a rubber Joe Biden mask and try to fool Justice Roberts into swearing him in again?” —Stephen Colbert

“Trump also tried to downplay his failed coup, by referring to January 6th in his speech as a ‘simple protest that got out of hand’, and complained that people ignored ‘the size of the crowd – I believe that it was the largest number of people I’ve ever spoken to.’ Who cares about the size of the damn crowd! That’s like Jeffrey Dahmer saying ‘I know I murdered a bunch of people, but look how many leftovers I have. It was really just a potluck that got out of hand.’” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The time that Walter Cronkite was swallowed by a python (Supercalifragilisticexpiali-douchebags)

June 2022

“The Late Show will go live on Thursday night after the prime-time January 6th committee hearings. They are destined to go down in the annals of live TV, like the Watergate hearings, the moon landing, and the time Walter Cronkite was swallowed by a python.” —Stephen Colbert

“Now, here’s the deal: all the major news outfits — CBS, NBC, ABC, MSNBC, CNN — will be covering the hearings live, while the Fox News Channel will stay with its usual prime-time lineup. Well, that’s actually good. No, it’s actually good. We’ll hear directly from the people who planned the coup.” —Stephen Colbert

“The Proud Boys are going to be prominently featured during the live hearings on Thursday, because the committee intends to present live testimony from a British documentarian who was filming the group, with their permission, during the riot. Why do you let a film crew follow you while you commit treason? Well, same reason Benedict Arnold commissioned that painting of him handing over the plans.” —Stephen Colbert

“Now, if you’re not familiar with the Proud Boys, that sounds lovely. But as a refresher, they’re a far-right, anti-immigrant, all-male group who take their name from an obscure show tune from the Disney musical ‘Aladdin’ entitled ‘Proud of Your Boy.’ It was actually their second Disney song choice. Originally, they were the Supercalifragilisticexpiali-douchebags.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Seems Like the Kind of Thing He’d Do, but Who Knows? (Then what, Jesus?)

October 2021

“Southwest Airlines has had a chaotic week. Fox News reported that its recent flight cancellations were caused by vaccine mandates. Meyers noted that Tucker Carlson admitted that he “couldn’t say for certain” that the mandate had caused the issue, but reported they were behind them, anyway. You can’t say for certain? Well, then, please, by all means, put it on television. We all know that’s how journalism works. Who can forget the famous Woodward and Bernstein headline, ‘Did Nixon Do Watergate? Seems Like the Kind of Thing He’d Do, but Who Knows?”—Seth Meyers

“I’ll never tire of Tucker’s ‘just asking questions’ routine: [imitating Tucker Carlson] ‘Were these protests against Biden’s vaccine mandate? Did Joe Biden secretly replace all the real pilots with communist antifa woke-anistas, or were the delays caused because the flight attendants refused to give you a second bag of Biscoff cookies when you asked for one?’” —Seth Meyers

“American, Southwest, United, JetBlue, Alaska — most of the major airlines have mandates. The only big one that I know that doesn’t have it is Delta, which is nuts. If any airline should have a vaccine mandate, it’s the one named after the variant.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Nixon's unemployment rate was only 5 percent (Thank God those days are gone forever)

May 2013

"This week marks the 40th anniversary of the Watergate hearings. For those of you too young to remember, back then the administration had an enemies list. They were spying on reporters, and they used the IRS to harass groups they didn't like. Thank God those days are gone forever." –Jay Leno

"A lot of critics are comparing President Obama to President Richard Nixon, which is unfair. Nixon's unemployment rate was only 5 percent." –Jay Leno

"This whole IRS thing has become a huge story. They apparently were targeting conservative groups like the tea party. You know it's bad when President Obama says, 'Hey, why don't we talk about Benghazi?" –Jay Leno 

"The National Aquarium in Washington is going to close. But don't worry. If you're in D.C. and you still want to smell something fishy, stop by the White House. They've gone from 'Change you can believe in' to 'Changing the story until you believe it.'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’ve only got two weeks left — what the hell? (dueling monster truck shows)

January 2021

“And yet, numerous congressional Republicans intend to vote in favor of Trump’s attempt to overturn democracy this week, citing baseless election fraud claims. During his last ‘perfect call’ – the one he got impeached for – Republicans lined up and said ‘we can’t impeach, Congress shouldn’t decide who’s president, the people should decide!’ And now these same Congress people are like, ‘what, the people decided on Biden? In that case, let’s let Congress decide who’s the president.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump had another perfect call over the weekend. He brought up all kind of crazy things — conspiracy theories he says he’s been hearing on what he calls ‘Trump media.’ It was the kind of call that makes you wonder, is he stupid or drunk? And then you remember he doesn’t drink.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump claimed, among many other things, that there is no way he could have lost Georgia because he had bigger crowds than Joe Biden. As if it was some kind of dueling monster truck shows.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Carl Bernstein, the reporter who broke the Watergate scandal back in the ’70s, said what Trump said on this tape was, quote, ‘far worse than Watergate.’ But I guess Trump figures, ‘I’ve only got two weeks left — what the hell?’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“While most of us are back to reality today, Donald Trump is further from it than he’s ever been, referencing the Raffensperger call. I listened it to it twice, I listened to the whole thing like it was a surprise Taylor Swift album.” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

now Deep Throat is just Trump himself (I got a great horse. He’s a sure thing)

January 2021

“The president of the United States sounded like an inveterate gambler begging his bookie to float him for one more race. [Imitating Trump] ‘I just need 11,000 bucks. I got a great horse. He’s a sure thing.’” —Seth Meyers

“That’s right, The Washington Post published an audio recording of President Trump asking the Georgia secretary of state to find enough votes to overturn his loss in the state. Wow, things have gotten a lot easier for The Post since they broke Watergate — now Deep Throat is just Trump himself.” —Seth Meyers

“He’s like a guy without a silver bullet brainstorming other ways to kill a werewolf. [As Trump] ‘What about two regular bullets? Is that something that might work?’” —Seth Meyers

“What you heard is definitely the voice of a man who’s been in debt before. He sounds like he’s begging the waiter at a steakhouse to let him skate on the bill.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because if being bad at something makes you not that thing... (Drunk History)

“Today’s live testimony was as dramatic as it was historic. It was the biggest ratings hit for C-SPAN 3 since ‘Drunk History’ starring Brett Kavanaugh.” --Stephen Colbert

"So this staffer overheard Trump asking about a foreign nation investigating his political opponent. That’s like if they had a picture of Nixon breaking into the Watergate.” --Stephen Colbert

“So Trump got caught before he could force Zelensky to do it. He failed, but the fact that he’s a bad criminal doesn’t make it not a crime. Because if being bad at something makes you not that thing, then Trump is not a business owner or a husband.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It’s entirely possible he just said ‘dot, dot, dot.’ (Turn on a camera — he delivers)

“The White House intentionally left things out. It’s like the infamous 18-and-a-half-minute gap on Nixon’s Watergate tapes if Nixon had left in all the bad stuff. I mean, for Pete’s sake, how do you edit the transcript and leave in ‘I’d like you to do us a favor, though’?” --Stephen Colbert

“Come on, you don’t have to go all the way to Ukraine to get embarrassing tape of Joe Biden. Turn on a camera — he delivers.” --Stephen Colbert

“He said the transcript the White House released was missing crucial details, like Trump asking about recordings of Joe Biden, President Zelensky mentioning the company Hunter Biden worked for, and all the times the president burped into his McFlurry.” --Jimmy Kimmel

“It definitely seemed at the time like the memo of Trump’s call was not, in fact, a complete transcript, because there were multiple ellipses throughout. And those were definitely not pauses, because Donald Trump does not take pauses; he just yammers until he runs out of oxygen and then inhales like he’s about to go pearl diving.” --Seth Meyers

“It’s Donald Trump. It’s entirely possible he just said ‘dot, dot, dot.’” --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

We haven’t had one of those in days! (Is this the thing?)

“Every time, people have asked, ‘Is this the thing? Surely, this must be the thing.’ And every time, it wasn’t the thing. But here’s the thing: There’s a new thing, and it might be the thing.” --Stephen Colbert

“So the idea that a foreign power like Russia shouldn’t interfere in our elections is the only thing everyone agreed on — everyone but Trump, because he just moved one country over. [Imitating Trump] O.K., no collusion with Russia. O.K. Hello, Ukraine? You up for interfering with our election?” --Stephen Colbert

“It’s historic, high-stakes testimony in Congress from someone with intimate knowledge of Trump’s criminal wrongdoing. We haven’t had one of those in days!” --Stephen Colbert

“This makes Watergate look like Nixon tried to pass an expired coupon at the Kroger.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Why did I say Watergate? Stupid Rudy, stupid! (NFL Protest Penalty)

It was announced today that first lady Melania Trump's parents are now officially U.S. citizens. They passed their citizenship test when they were asked, “Who's the president of the United States?” and they replied, “Our idiot son-in-law.” --Seth Meyers

In an interview last night, Rudy Giuliani said the Russia investigation is going to lead to very big reforms, just like Watergate, saying it will be, quote, "A different kind of Watergate, it's on the side of the investigator." He then continued, "Yeah, this Trump thing is just like Watergate. No, not THAT kind of Watergate, a reverse Watergate. I should have never said Watergate. Why did I say Watergate? Stupid Rudy, stupid!" --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Don't kid yourself, I hear Pat was a bobcat (long national nightmare)

   

"How about Gerald Ford? Do you remember when Gerald Ford was president? And apparently after he was out of office, he was retired quite a long time before the man passed away, and he did a series of interviews with reporters and he said I'm going to tell you a lot of things now but don't print them, don't publish this until I'm gone. 

And now there's a new book with that title, 'Gerald Ford: Write it When I'm Gone,' and the insights and revelations are amazing, take a look. [Clip of announcer saying: "On September 8, 1974 I ended our long national nightmare by pardoning Richard Nixon. 

It was a difficult decision, but Nixon made it easier by offering $500 in cash and one night with Pat. This has been Gerald Ford, Write it when I'm gone."] Don't kid yourself, I hear Pat was a bobcat." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #repealreplacerepublicans #Bernie2020 #FeeltheBern @BrandNew535 @justicedems 

JOKES: if RadioShack goes bankrupt one more time, it can officially run for president

For the second time, RadioShack has filed for bankruptcy. Experts say if RadioShack goes bankrupt one more time, it can officially run for president. –Conan O’Brien

Many years after dropping out of Harvard, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is going back to get an honorary degree. Zuckerberg said he would have gone back sooner, but even he can’t afford college these days. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

JOKES: We call it Asian-American Avenue now (he accidentally swallowed his eyebrow)

Famed Watergate reporter Carl Bernstein told CNN yesterday that the Trump administration is trying to cover up its ties to Russia. Bernstein wouldn’t identify his source, but did say [shows photo of Mitch McConnell] he goes by the name Loose Throat. –Seth Meyers

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson today said that Russia must respect its international commitments toward Ukraine — and then he winked so hard he accidentally swallowed his eyebrow. –Seth Meyers

President Trump today tweeted that the “failing New York Times must apologize” for publishing leaks from his administration, but at this point, if they didn’t publish White House leaks, the whole paper would just be the crossword. –Seth Meyers

The makers of the board game Monopoly have announced that they are dropping the thimble token in favor of new pieces in the shape of emojis and hashtags. Although, if you’re trying to modernize Monopoly, maybe start with Oriental Avenue. We call it Asian-American Avenue now. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

I can't wait for Trump to turn the Washington monument into a condo. --David Letterman

"Donald Trump as President of the United States. I can't wait for the Washington monument to turn into a condo." --David Letterman

"When they had to book [Jack Abramoff], they emptied his pockets and Tom DeLay fell out. We're learning more and more about this Abramoff guy. You know, before he was a lobbyist, he was a Hollywood producer. So he went from Sodom to Gomorrah." --Jay Leno

"President Bush was clearing brush at his ranch when he was scratched by a tree. That's a switch, a tree harming a Republican, when does that ever happen? I guess Bush has cut down so many trees they're starting to fight back now." --Jay Leno

Donald Trump running for president. I blame George Bush. He lowered the standard -- David Letterman

"Did you all see Sandra Day O'Connor making the coin toss [at the Rose Bowl]? When President Bush saw a Supreme Court justice flipping a coin he went, 'Hey, that's how I got elected!' --Jay Leno

"You know how sometimes during war time, civil liberties can take a back seat to national security? Well, I got good news and bad news. The good news is this -- no Japanese people are being sent to any camps. The bad news is, that time you got hammered and drunk dialed your ex-girlfriend who's studying abroad and sang her that WHAM! song that was 'your song' -- uh, the government's got that on tape." --Jon Stewart

"Donald Trump running for president. I blame George Bush. He lowered the standard." --David Letterman

under the influence of something besides a lobbyist (it's hard out there for pimp)

"Whatever the congressman was on, it's just nice to see a lawmaker under the influence of something besides a lobbyist." --Bill Maher

"Porter Goss the head of the CIA resigned suddenly amid rumors that it has something to do with a floating party that's been going on at the Watergate hotel for years, which involves congressman, lobbyists, defense contractors, and hookers. This is why you don't want your daughter to grow up to be a hooker -- she might fall in with a bad crowd." --Bill Maher

"In all fairness, we don't know if any of this might be true, but it might be true because Porter Goss's resignation letter cited a burdensome workload, wanting to spend more time with his family, and the fact that it's hard out there for pimp." --Bill Maher