Not buyin' it (except everyone starts with $60,000 of college debt)

And finally, I saw that Monopoly just released a new version of their game called Monopoly for Millennials. It's just like the original except everyone starts with $60,000 of college debt. --Jimmy Fallon

"On Tuesday, Utah Candidate Mia Love became the first black Republican woman elected to Congress. She's also a Mormon. Yeah, a black female Republican Mormon. Even unicorns are saying, 'Not buyin' it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She's a toddler with a gold medal, which is impressive (most of the voters there are sober)

There was a primary in Arizona and caucuses in Idaho and Utah. Donald Trump was behind in the polls in Utah — Utah is not particularly friendly territory for Donald Trump because most of the voters there are sober. –Jimmy Kimmel

It's tricky for journalists to write about Caitlyn Jenner, because she was a 65-year-old man, now she's a 2-year-old woman. She's a toddler with a gold medal, which is impressive. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Everyone thought it was sweet, except for their other son (if you're looking for that perfect Mother's Day present, keep looking)

This weekend wasn't just about Cinco de Mayo and the Kentucky Derby. People also celebrated Star Wars Day, May the Fourth — May the Fourth Be With You. In Utah, a pair of twins were born and their parents named them Luke and Leia. Everyone thought it was sweet, except for their other son — Jar Jar. --Jimmy Fallon

And listen to this. I heard that you can actually buy a jar of manure from a winning Derby horse for $200. So if you're looking for that perfect Mother's Day present, keep looking. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which explains why this morning's 9 a.m. Mass was held at 2 p.m. (cry closets)

Apparently, the library at the University of Utah has installed what they're calling a "Cry Closet." This is exactly what it sounds like. I promise this is true. It's a closet where stressed-out students can go to cry. Because there's nothing more comforting than being trapped in a tiny dark box. It's going to be a shock when those students graduate. Take it from me, there are no "Cry Closets" out here in the real world. You will have to use your car in the McDonald's parking lot like the rest of us. --James Corden

You know how sometimes when priests go to the Vatican they bring gifts for the Pope from their home region? Recently, a priest from Kentucky decided to give Pope Francis 10 bottles of whiskey — 10 bottles of whiskey, because nine's just not enough. Apparently, the Pope loves the Father, the Son, and ALL of the holy spirits. He got 10 bottles of whiskey, which explains why this morning's 9 a.m. Mass was held at 2 p.m. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

One for each of his wives (sword fight)

A Utah man did 10,001 pull-ups in 24 hours. One for each of his wives. —Greg Gutfeld

A female fencer was disqualified after taking a knee instead of competing against a trans-identified male. It was an act of bravery especially since kneeling put her dangerously close to her opponent's p*n*s. After all she came there for a sword 

fight. Not a sword fight. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even unicorns are saying, 'Not buyin' it.' (weed scholarship)

"On Tuesday, Utah Candidate Mia Love became the first black Republican woman elected to Congress. She's also a Mormon. Yeah, a black female Republican Mormon. Even unicorns are saying, 'Not buyin' it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

A county in Colorado just voted to put taxes from selling marijuana toward supporting college scholarships. And you can tell it's a weed scholarship, because it actually pays for 11 years of college. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trust me, if that lady could kill, I would not be alive (In other words, Utah is never getting a major league baseball team)

Donald Trump is floating another conspiracy theory which suggests that Hillary Clinton is a murderer. Today Bill Clinton said, "Trust me, if that lady could kill, I would not be alive." –Conan O’Brien

"A new law in Utah makes it illegal for a person to publicly touch their own g**itals. In other words, Utah is never getting a major league baseball team." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It really makes you feel for the second-most successful sex capsule salesman in Idaho, Utah and Nevada (Did he write himself a check for $130,000?)

“Today was Donald Trump’s chance to wake up and snort a line of gas station energy powder and get on that stand to prove that this is all a big Joe Biden witch-hunt, but it was confirmed on Tuesday that Trump would not testify in his own trial. That is shocking – Trump is not talking? What happened? Did he write himself a check for $130,000? —Stephen Colbert

Outside the courthouse, the crowds have been much smaller than the police prepared for, according to the New York Times, and included amateur puppeteers, a DJ with a portable speaker and a self-proclaimed “most successful” sex capsule salesman in Idaho, Utah and Nevada. It really makes you feel for the second-most successful sex capsule salesman in Idaho, Utah and Nevada. —Stephen Colbert

Without grassroots support, Trump has been forced to call in the Maga goons on his behalf. So far 25 members of Congress have attended, including Matt Gaetz, the Florida representative who was mostly there for the sex capsules. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You will have to use your car in the McDonald's parking lot like the rest of us (Then the strangest thing happened)

Donald Trump says he's too busy to give a birthday present to his wife. I mean, how much effort does it take to just leave the back door open and say, "You're free, Melania. I let you go.” --James Corden

Apparently, the library at the University of Utah has installed what they're calling a "Cry Closet." This is exactly what it sounds like. I promise this is true. It's a closet where stressed-out students can go to cry. Because there's nothing more comforting than being trapped in a tiny dark box. It's going to be a shock when those students graduate. Take it from me, there are no "Cry Closets" out here in the real world. You will have to use your car in the McDonald's parking lot like the rest of us. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Not buyin' it (but he couldn't find it/drinking games)

"On Tuesday, Utah Candidate Mia Love became the first black Republican woman elected to Congress. She's also a Mormon. Yeah, a black female Republican Mormon. Even unicorns are saying, 'Not buyin' it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"George W. Bush will open an art exhibit at his presidential library that will feature portraits he painted of various world leaders. He was going to include a painting of bin Laden, but he couldn't find it." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Magical Wealth Redistribution Machine (especially in states where marijuana is legal)

There was a primary in Arizona and caucuses in Idaho and Utah. Donald Trump was behind in the polls in Utah — Utah is not particularly friendly territory for Donald Trump because most of the voters there are sober. –Jimmy Kimmel

DoorDash is a food delivery service testing out a new method of delivery that uses robots to bring you your food. They’re offering it in California and Washington, D.C., right now. You use your app, you order food, and a robot in some cases will bring it right to you. It even acts surprised when you answer the door naked. It’s an amazing technology. Do [they] warn people that a robot is coming? Because you could open the door and go like, “Oh, my God, there’s a robot here” and potentially it could scare people, especially in states where marijuana is legal. –Jimmy Kimmel

The only way that Trump could be happier with the Mueller Report is if a porn star rolled it up and spanked him with it. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I supported it then, and I support it now (they’re the first state to legalize weed and illegalize Trump)

Colorado’s top court on Tuesday ruled that former President Donald Trump was disqualified from returning to office, banning him from its primary ballot based on Section 3 of the 14th Amendment, which disallows candidates who engage in insurrection against the Constitution. Christmas is almost here, and people are already returning gifts. In fact, last night Colorado returned Donald Trump. —Jimmy Fallon

“You got to give it up for Colorado — they’re the first state to legalize weed and illegalize Trump.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yeah, they banned him from the ballot. If Trump ends up winning in 2024, don’t be surprised if Colorado suddenly becomes East Utah.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yep, Colorado decided that Trump is disqualified from being president ’cause his role in the Jan. 6 attack violated the U.S. Constitution’s insurrection clause. Yep, before last night, Trump thought ‘the insurrection clause’ was one of those Tim Allen movies on Disney+.” —Jimmy Fallon

“The insurrection clause is in the 14th Amendment, which was ratified in 1868. Right now, President Biden’s like, ‘I supported it then, and I support it now.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Or, as it's known in Utah, Monday (Whoomp! There It Is)

John McCain's daughter is in the news. John McCain's daughter says that a lot of guys don't want to date her because her dad makes her too high-profile. Yeah. That's part of the reason. It's also because McCain's daughter is 63 years old. Her name is Mable. She was a nurse in the Korean War. Lovely girl." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush arrived in Austria for a summit yesterday. Bush was greeted by protestors banging drums and blowing whistles. There was an awkward moment when the president asked the protestors to play 'Whoomp! There It Is.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Thousands of legal and illegal immigrants staged what they called a Day Without Immigrants. Or, as it's known in Utah, Monday." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Or deleted, whatever is easiest (They Both Suck)

In Utah, a woman pulled out two of her son’s teeth in a Walmart bathroom. Or as that procedure will soon be known, “the Trumpcare dental plan.” –Conan O’Brien

In Massachusetts, a medical marijuana dispensary has begun selling marijuana-infused pizza. Or as that’s known, “one-stop shopping.” –Conan O’Brien

Former FBI Director James Comey did not want to be left alone in a room with Donald Trump. Which is why James Comey was just named an honorary Miss Universe contestant. –Conan O’Brien

Hillary Clinton said yesterday that she would like to see the FBI investigation of her emails wrapped up. Hillary then said, "Or deleted, whatever is easiest." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

said sometimes he loves himself but other times, he really loves himself (public laws)

"President Obama canceled the White House Halloween party. He canceled after hearing Joe Biden was coming as 'Slutty Joe Biden.'" –Conan O'Brien 10/31/2012

In a new interview, Kanye West talks about being bipolar. Kanye said sometimes he loves himself but other times, he really loves himself. --Conan O’Brien

"A new law in Utah makes it illegal for a person to publicly touch their own g**itals. In other words, Utah is never getting a major league baseball team." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You also won't find that staffer, either (3,000 prostitutes moved in right across from Congress)

Yesterday, the State Department said that it can't find any emails belonging to Hillary Clinton's senior technology staffer from when Clinton was secretary of state. Then Hillary said (WIPES OFF HANDS), "You also won't find that staffer, either." –Jimmy Fallon

"Washington, D.C. has a new program that would pay residents $12,000 to move closer to their workplace. It's already a huge hit — in fact just today, 3,000 prostitutes moved in right across from Congress." –Jimmy Fallon

This weekend wasn't just about Cinco de Mayo and the Kentucky Derby. People also celebrated Star Wars Day, May the Fourth — May the Fourth Be With You. In Utah, a pair of twins were born and their parents named them Luke and Leia. Everyone thought it was sweet, except for their other son — Jar Jar. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which is probably the nicest way to ask him if he plans on being alive in three years (Her delicious, delicious children)

A woman in Utah survived after her SUV got stuck in the snow and mud for nearly a week. The woman said she couldn’t have made it without her children. Her delicious, delicious children. --Michael Che, SNL

In a recent study, scientists created 3-D scans of dolphin vaginas and found that a dolphin’s clitorus is remarkably similar to a human woman’s. Said the night janitor at SeaWorld, “Well, I could have told you that.” --Michael Che, SNL

At the press conference President Biden was asked if he plans to run for re-election in 2024. Which is probably the nicest way to ask him if he plans on being alive in three years. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You said we had a deal! (The minimum they can get away with)

Actually, this is very interesting. I read that the cloak that Kit Harington wears on the show is actually a rug from IKEA. Yeah, when he heard that, President Trump was like, "Who cares? So is my hair." --Jimmy Fallon

New polls found that Bernie Sanders is now ahead of Hillary Clinton among Democrats in both Iowa and New Hampshire. And even Hillary's lead in national polls is dwindling. I don't want to say Hillary is upset, but this morning she was spotted shouting into a volcano, "You said we had a deal!" –Jimmy Fallon

"It turns out that Newt Gingrich’s campaign wrote a $500 check to participate in the Utah primary, but it bounced. Even M.C. Hammer was like, 'Manage your money, bro.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"After dropping out of the GOP race, Rick Santorum emailed his supporters to ask for help paying off his campaign debt. So if you believe in his message of responsible spending and no handouts, just give him a handout to cover all his irresponsible spending." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Have you ever tried to open a condom while you’re wearing mittens? (odds of being hit by an asteroid)

But the No. 1 most sexually diseased state is, fortunately, not attached to us. It is Alaska. And the reason they have the most STDs in Alaska is, have you ever tried to open a condom while you’re wearing mittens? –Jimmy Kimmel

There was a primary in Arizona and caucuses in Idaho and Utah. Donald Trump was behind in the polls in Utah — Utah is not particularly friendly territory for Donald Trump because most of the voters there are sober. –Jimmy Kimmel

“Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders canceled rallies on Tuesday because of the coronavirus, but President Trump said he would continue on as normal, which is a first.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”