Well, good luck getting anyone to believe that one (Again?)

"According to the latest poll, if George W. Bush were to run for president today he would lose to the Democratic candidate. And today George W. Bush said 'Again?'" --Jay Leno

The big story from Washington today is that President Bush may have lied to investigators about the CIA leak. The theory is that President Bush may have been playing dumb. Well, good luck getting anyone to believe that one." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Stop pointing out our lies and hypocrisy! (yacht propellers)

A new report shows that for the first time ever, Michelob Ultra is the most popular draft beer thanks to an unprecedented increase in pussies. —Colin Jost               

For the first time in almost 50 years, whale meat was auctioned off in Japan for almost $650 a pound. Wow. That's crazy. I get it for free just by scraping it off my yacht propeller. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Democrats keep getting caught creating a purity test for a system that they can’t seem to pass themselves (Let me get this straight)

Joe Biden pardoned his son Hunter on federal gun and tax charges. The “full and unconditional” pardon covers offenses Hunter has committed or may have committed or taken part in” over the last 11 years. Eleven years is a very specific and not rounded amount of time. I didn’t know pardons could cover crimes you may have committed. I’m surprised Biden didn’t include the phrase ‘on Earth 1 or any of the Earths in the multiverse.’ 

Republicans have, unsurprisingly, pounced on the move. Obviously, Republicans are going to criticize, but Biden did make this line of attack particularly available, seeing as how he spent so long saying that he wouldn’t do it because of how much he respects the system.

The problem is the rest of the Democrats made Biden’s pledge to not pardon Hunter the foundation of their defense of America, this grand experiment and Democratic lawmakers used Biden’s promise as a moral example.

The Democrats made this case an example of why Americans should believe in our system. And it’s hard – Democrats have the tougher road of defending our institutions and systems as being flawed but still valuable. Republicans just run on blowing this shit up. But at every turn, Democrats keep getting caught creating a purity test for a system that they can’t seem to pass themselves. —Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the foundation of their defense of America (fluffle)

As Thanksgiving weekend drew to a close, President Biden issued a full and unconditional pardon for his son Hunter, despite having repeatedly pledged not to do so. Normally, you drop a controversial pardon like the way you buy porn at a gas station: in a flurry of other distracting purchases. —Jon Stewart

“Biden is an 82-year-old man — he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life visiting his son in prison.” —Jon Stewart

“Hypocrisy isn’t illegal, nor is it particularly unusual in politics. It’s not like he’s ever going to run again, so why not take care of your kid, even if you said you weren’t going to? I respect it. I don’t have a problem with it. The problem is, the rest of the Democrats made Biden’s pledge to not pardon Hunter the foundation of their defense of America.” —Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Stop pointing out our lies and hypocrisy! (Postnut clarity)

A new poll shows that President Biden and Donald Trump are tied in a hypothetical 2024 rematch, but they’re both running 50 points behind Kill Me! —Michael Che

After Dwayne Johnson complained that a wax figure of him at a museum in France had the wrong skin tone, the museum has attempted to darken the statue. Unfortunately, it melted in the tanning bed. —Michael Che

New research suggests that Viagra can help lower a man’s chances of developing Alzheimer’s by 60%, thanks to an effect researchers are calling Postnut Clarity. —Michael Che

Olive Oil prices have more than doubled following extreme weather, which sadly has forced many New Jersey residents to bathe in water. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Today, the state of Kentucky broke off all diplomatic relations with Iran (Luckily, it was on CNN so nobody saw it)

"Iran has banned the mullet. Today, the state of Kentucky broke off all diplomatic relations with Iran." –Jay Leno

 "A new study shows that home births are up 20% in the United States. More and more moms are giving birth at home. Or as in Arnold Schwarzenegger's case, giving birth in the home they're cleaning." –Jay Leno

"CNN was first to announce the decision, but they got it wrong. They said the healthcare mandate was struck down. Luckily, it was on CNN so nobody saw it." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

The suspects are described as armed and jingly (Stop pointing out our lies and hypocrisy!)

April 2023

“Guys, this weekend, President Biden returned to the White House after a four-day trip to Ireland. Yeah, you can tell Biden really enjoyed his time in Ireland 'cause today, instead of falling down the steps of Air Force One, he river-danced down them.” —Jimmy Fallon

“During his trip, Biden quoted his favorite Irish poet, which is different from Trump's favorite Irish quote ‘They'll never get me Lucky Charms.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Did you guys see this? Today, Elon Musk called off the launch of his Starship rocket due to a pressure issue. Yep. Elon tried to make the SpaceX team feel better. He was like, ‘Don't worry, guys. This rocket is still not as dangerous as driving a Tesla.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Guys, I heard that thieves in Philadelphia stole 2 million dimes worth $200,000 from a truck parked at a mall. The suspects are described as armed and jingly.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Stop pointing out our lies and hypocrisy! (New pants)

And finally, a man in England claims that his penis swelled to the size of a wine bottle recently after fracturing his urethra. When asked how he was treating it, the man said, "New pants." --Seth Meyers

According to a new poll, Chris Christie currently has the lowest approval rating for any governor in any state, in over 20 years. ”Wow,” said former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich from prison. –Seth Meyers

That's right. President Trump's childhood home in Queens is currently up for sale. And according to "The Wall Street Journal," one of the bedrooms features a sign pointing to the spot where he was likely conceived. It's sort of a map for any time travelers looking to save the world. --Seth Meyers

Donald Trump’s campaign released a statement announcing he will boycott tomorrow’s debate, saying, “Roger Ailes and Fox News think they can toy with him, but Mr. Trump doesn’t play games.” A statement that would carry a lot more weight if Trump hadn’t LITERALLY hosted a game show. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

First choice? Invade Wall Street (Stop pointing out our lies and hypocrisy!)

Hillary Clinton taped the 'Tyra Banks Show,' which will air, I guess, on Friday. Tyra asked Hillary if she could be on a reality show, which reality show would she like to be on. Hillary said 'Dancing With The Stars.' If Barack Obama keeps doing well, she can be on that show sooner than she thinks." --Jay Leno

"Last night in Florida, the Gators got a congratulatory phone call from President Bush. And UCLA shot so badly they got a phone call from Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"President Bush announced today that he will be working with Congress to use hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars to restore confidence in the market. Actually, that was Bush's second choice to fix the problem. First choice? Invade Wall Street." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In Trump's defense, who has ever gone down to Mexico and remembered what they did? (Stop pointing out our lies and hypocrisy!)

The Mexican president is saying that he told Trump that Mexico would not pay for the wall, while Trump says they never discussed who would pay for it. In Trump's defense, who has ever gone down to Mexico and remembered what they did? –James Corden

This morning Donald Trump started another Twitter war. This time he tweeted at Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, telling him to “get back to work on a healthcare bill.” I’m impressed. It is extremely difficult to type the words “get back to work” on a phone while simultaneously teeing off with a 3-wood. –James Corden

A school district in Florida is eliminating homework for all school students this year. Yeah, no homework. It’s all part of Florida’s “make Florida Flori-duh again” campaign. Officials say it’s fine because a lot of students are already reading at a fifth grade level. Unfortunately a lot of those students are in 10th grade. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Their advice, introduce yourself to as many people as possible (The book sells for $25 but for $35 she'll show you)

At the White House this week President Clinton officially came out against same-sex marriages. What's more the president said he is not too crazy about opposite sex marriages either. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

Hollywood prostitute Divine Brown is writing a book describing in lurid detail exactly what she did with Hugh Grant. The book sells for $25 but for $35 she'll show you. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

A new FBI study shows that for the first time Americans are more likely to be killed by a stranger than a loved one or acquaintance. Their advice, introduce yourself to as many people as possible. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Stop pointing out our lies and hypocrisy! (Can’t even huff gas anymore — it’s too expensive)

June 2022

“The F.D.A. just announced that they are banning all Juul e-cigarettes in the U.S. Yeah, no more Juul. No more Juul. That will explain tomorrow when you see a bunch of your co-workers sucking on a Glade plug-in.” —Jimmy Fallon

“But this is a big move by the F.D.A., because you realize Juul is the iconic vaping brand. So by them doing this, it is like going after soda by banning Coke, or going after coke by banning Don Jr.” —Trevor Noah

“It’s a tough day for everyone who loves ingesting chemicals, you know what I’m saying? Can’t even huff gas anymore — it’s too expensive.” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

letting this pool boy check his wife’s chlorination levels (and Kevin who watched from the tree)

August 2020

“One of President Trump’s biggest evangelical supporters, Jerry Falwell Jr., resigned as president of Liberty University after a former pool attendant said he’d frequently had sex with Falwell’s wife while he looked on. Let’s start off with this: What consensual adults do in their sex life is up to them, and I don’t judge anybody for anything. You do whatever tickles your exposed fly. But Falwell has made it his business to judge what everyone else is doing with their sex lives. He speaks out against gay relationships, and until just five years ago, students at his university weren’t allowed to do anything beyond holding hands or even watch R-rated movies. Meanwhile, he’s apparently letting this pool boy check his wife’s chlorination levels.” —Trevor Noah

“While carrying on with this pool boy, Falwell was still president of a university whose code of conduct says, ‘Sexual relations outside of a biblically ordained marriage between a natural-born man and a natural-born woman are not permissible at Liberty University.’ But they’re clearly forgetting the biblical story of Adam and Eve, and Kevin who watched from the tree.” —Stephen Colbert

“Again, I’m not looking to judge or shame someone else’s consenting sexual encounters — that’s Falwell’s job.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, isn't that the morbidly obese pot calling the kettle African-American? (he got away from Joe Biden)

"Congratulations to Rahm Emanuel on being elected as mayor of Chicago. How do I know he will win? It's Chicago, I called a guy last week to find out." –Craig Ferguson

"If Rahm Emanuel is elected as mayor, he'll have to keep his language clean. He wouldn't want to sully the otherwise spotless reputation of Chicago politics." –Craig Ferguson

"It must have been a tough decision for Rahm to leave the White House, because if he doesn't get elected mayor, he may be unemployed. But either way, he got away from Joe Biden." –Craig Ferguson

"Rush Limbaugh called Michelle Obama a hypocrite, criticizing her for eating ribs on vacation and said she isn't following her own dietary guidelines. Well, isn't that the morbidly obese pot calling the kettle African-American?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Rush shouldn't talk. He would eat his own ribs if you put sauce on them." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

it's reverse racists like her that give regular racists like them a bad name (how to adhere to the nine commandments)

"The tag Republicans kept throwing to hang around Sonia Sotomayor's neck was 'reverse racist.' They said, you know, it's reverse racists like her that give regular racists like them a bad name." --Bill Maher

"It looks like healthcare reform really is gaining momentum and is going to happen. Now of course Republicans say the plan is too confusing, too convoluted, but you know, these are the same people who say they can make sense out of a Sarah Palin speech." --Bill Maher

"I know where I'm going to go on my next break. I'm going to the C Street House in Washington, D.C. You know what this is? It's kind of a frat house for Christian congressman, where they live and pray together and counsel each other on how to adhere to the nine commandments." --Bill Maher

"I say the nine commandments because Gov. Sanford hung out there, John Ensign, the Senator from Nevada who was banging his chief of staff's wife, he lives there. And now a third alumnus, a former Republican congressman named Chip Pickering, has also been exposed for cheating on his wife, apparently actually lived in the house. It kind of makes you miss those innocent days when Republicans just tried to blow a stranger in an airport bathroom." --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”   

you've been upside down on my wife... (the hypocrisy trifecta)

"Have you been following the John Ensign scandal? He's the senator from Nevada who got his penis caught in the cookie jar. It turns out he was screwing the wife of his chief of staff, they say. And I love this guy. He's a piece of work. Because John Ensign was a Promise Keeper. He was a big proponent of the Defense of Marriage Act. And a loud voice calling for Clinton to resign during the Lewinsky scandal. So he has hit the hypocrisy trifecta." --Bill Maher

"He told the Washington Post some years ago, that as a Christian politician, listen to this, he refused to be alone with a strange woman inside of a car. But apparently, being inside of a strange woman without a car that's okay, that's all good." --Bill Maher

"They said his chief of staff, the guy who's wife he was screwing, he threatened to go public unless Ensign, the senator, paid his mortgage. Apparently this guy had a big-ass house in Las Vegas. I know the economy is tough, but using your wife as collateral on your mortgage? That's a new one, even for the Republicans. And how do you broach that? 'Look, senator, I'm upside-down on my mortgage, you've been upside down on my wife...'" --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

If President Obama came out in favor of oxygen, Republicans would suffocate themselves (smack, crack, and pot)

"How's this for hypocrisy? While Congress has been chastising companies for giving out bonuses, last year, members of Congress gave out over $9 million in bonuses, paid for by the taxpayer, to their staff. But Congress is saying they're not hypocrites because this extra money they give their staff really isn't bonus money. It's hush money. They just call it bonus money for legal reasons." --Jay Leno

"And months after Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was convicted for taking illegal gifts and lost his re-election, the Justice Department now wants all charges dropped. Apparently, there was such misconduct by the prosecution that he's going to be a free man and he gets to keep all the gifts. When he heard that, Rod Blagojevich announced he is moving to Alaska." --Jay Leno

"I tell you, the economy's in rough shape. It's terrible. In fact, you know Snap, Crackle, and Pop? Well, they were arrested today for selling smack, crack, and pot." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Dressing up like a condor and using a sharpened stone to remove a living man's heart? Si. (you're the best adulterer we've got)

"Apparently, while Newt [Gingrich] was leading the Clinton impeachment over the Monica Lewinsky affair, he himself was having an extramarital affair. Now there's a huge cry from the left about Newt's so-called hypocrisy, but the former Speaker explains how that is actually a positive [on screen: Gingrich saying, 'I drew the line in my mind that said even though I run the risk of being deeply embarrassed, I have no choice but to move forward']. You see, it's very easy to condemn another man's dalliances when you're faithful to your own wife. But to be a hypocrite and still do it, that takes courage. So Newt, if you are running for president, you have my blessing ... because I still won't vote for a Mormon, and you're the best adulterer we've got." --Stephen Colbert

"In Guatemala, Mayan priests are set to perform an ancient cleansing ritual to rid the air of whatever Bush left behind. Mayan priests -- the ones who in the old days used to kill and eat the virgin's heart. So let's recap what the Mayan priest basically is saying: Dressing up like a condor and using a sharpened stone to remove a living man's heart? Si. Protective corn tariffs? Unclean." --Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

There's no one OF WHOM you're prouder (how many of you threw on a movie and left school early to be here?)

Today is National Teacher Appreciation Day. Our entire audience is filled with New York City public school teachers. Be honest, how many of you threw on a movie and left school early to be here? --Jimmy Fallon

But Teacher Appreciation Day is very special. It's the one day each year when we tell our teachers that there's no one we're prouder of, and our teachers are like, "There's no one OF WHOM you're prouder." --Jimmy Fallon

And Teacher Appreciation Day is a great time to give your teacher a card or an apple or what they really deserve — a bottle of wine and a straw. --Jimmy Fallon

Today, teachers can get buy one, get one free burritos at Chipotle. Or as students put it, "Looks like we're going to have a substitute tomorrow." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Mitt Romney now claims he went hunting with a spear gun (Nor'passover)

"A lot of people are asking for extensions this year ... even President Bush. He got an extension because he's still deciding whether or not to write off Alberto Gonzales." --Jay Leno, on taxes

"The weather back East continues to be terrible. They've had so much rain in my home state of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney now claims he went hunting with a spear gun." --Jay Leno

"In New England we call it a Nor'easter. When President Bush heard about this, he got very confused. He said, 'Does this mean next week we'll have a Nor'passover?'" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.