MLB The Show: Cincinnati Reds vs Pittsburgh Pirates (S3 G150)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

What a confusing time to be a pirate (Pence dispenser)

"The Sarasota Republican party has named Donald Trump its statesman of the year. If there's one word I'd think of to describe Trump, it's 'statesman-like.' And if there were four words, they would be 'not at all statesman-like.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

Apparently Trump was unsure about the guy he was choosing for vice president all the way down to the wire. They say he wanted to dump Gov. Mike Pence at midnight the night before the announcement — which would have made him a Pence dispenser. –Jimmy Kimmel

A number of key Republicans are skipping the convention. Jeb Bush, instead of traveling to Cleveland, spent the night home crying. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I ain't draft dodging, I ain't burning no flag (steampunk cowboy pirate/Oops-a-karma!)

November 2022

“We are celebrating the conviction of Stewart Rhodes, founder of the Oath Keepers, for seditious conspiracy. That’s a big one. That’s insurrection with a creamy treason center right there. Delicious.” —Stephen Colbert

“Rhodes faces a maximum of 60 years in prison. On the bright side, by 2082 the hip new look might be steampunk cowboy pirate.” —Stephen Colbert referring to Rhodes’s preferred fashion of bandanna, cowboy hat and eye patch

“Now when you hear the name Oath Keepers and that eye patch, it makes Rhodes sorta seem like a heroic freedom rebel. In reality, he’s a disbarred Yale law grad who wears an eyepatch after accidentally shooting himself in the face with his own gun. Oops-a-karma!” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's like he took the Nobel Peace Prize as an insult (It's called Joe Biden)

"Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That's not the Donald Trump I know." –David Letterman 4/12/2011

"Donald Trump insists that he is going to run for president. I guess he figures if he can pull off that hairstyle, he can do anything." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"Dennis Kucinich wants to impeach President Obama over Libya. There's a very good case against impeachment. It's called Joe Biden." –Jay Leno 3/24/2011

"President Obama escalated the war in Afghanistan, he sent the Navy in to shoot at pirates in the Indian Ocean, and now he's attacking Libya. It's like he took the Nobel Peace Prize as an insult." –Jimmy Kimmel 3/28/2011

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m just worried where he’s going to put the 11th Super Bowl ring when he runs out of fingers (Dances With Parrots)

January 2021

“The big game will pit the Tampa Bay Buccaneers against the Kansas City Chiefs. Pirates versus Native Americans. OK, now they’re just ripping off my unproduced screenplay that everyone called ‘deeply problematic’ and ‘geographically inconsistent’: ‘Dances With Parrots.’” —Stephen Colbert

“If Brady keeps up this pace, I’m just worried where he’s going to put the 11th Super Bowl ring when he runs out of fingers.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Forty-three-year-old Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady will be the oldest player to play in the Super Bowl, though he will still be the youngest person in Tampa.”  —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sir, if you don't order now you'll miss the early bird special (He had such a promising career as a pirate)

"Yesterday John McCain announced, 'We must bring about a regime change in North Korea.' To which the waitress replied, "Sir, if you don't order now you'll miss the early bird special." –Jay Leno

"A 19-year-old Somali man was arrested in Portland for allegedly planning to detonate a bomb at a Christmas tree lighting ceremony. His parents are devastated. He had such a promising career as a pirate." –Jay Leno

"American Airlines is going to offer happy hour on its flights in December. TSA is feeling us up. The airline is giving us free booze. We don't even have to make Friday night plans anymore. Just book a flight." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the noise a pirate makes when he robs you and feeds you to a shark (I'm truly sorry you're married to Clarence Thomas)

"There is a big difference between a disappointing friend and a deadly enemy. Of course the Democrats are disappointing. That's what makes them Democrats. If they were any more frustrating they'd be your relatives. But in this country they are all that stands between you and darkest night. You know why their symbol is the letter 'D'? Because it's a grade that means good enough, but just barely. You know why the Republican symbol is 'R'? Because it's the noise a pirate makes when he robs you and feeds you to a shark." –Bill Maher

"Clarence Thomas's wife this week on Saturday morning calls up Anita Hill 19 years later to ask her to apologize. Drunk dial much? And she did the right thing. She apologized. She said I'm truly sorry you're married to Clarence Thomas." –Bill Maher

"Juan Williams was fired by NPR. He told Bill O'Reilly that people in Muslim garb getting on airplanes make him nervous. And I was appalled: this is America, if we can't let a black man with a Latino name sh*t on Muslims to entertain a white guy, what do we have?"–Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

she's hoping that the effects will eventually wear off (Where are the Somali pirates when you need them?)

"Well, folks, Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions, impaired her thinking, and she's hoping that the effects will eventually wear off." –Jay Leno

"And economists predict by this time next year, China will overtake the United States as the No. 1 country in manufacturing. But you know something, we have only ourselves to blame for this. I mean, what were we thinking — making our kids go to school? What idiots we are! Child labor, that's the key!" –Jay Leno

"Tony Hayward on a yacht. Where are the Somali pirates when you need them?" –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Blame the party for NOT listening to the people (copping an attitude with the president)

"President Obama met with Wall Street executives today. He told them to stop fighting this financial reform. But the Wall Street executives are kind of copping an attitude with the president. You know, I got an idea. Forget financial reform. Let's put them in prison. Call it prison reform. See how they like it then." –Jay Leno

"Well, the government said today Somali pirates being held in U.S. custody will be brought to the United States for prosecution, and they will be tried by a jury of their peers. So I'm guessing that's what, Goldman Sachs?" –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

But ironically, their top people still got their million-dollar bonuses (Even Somali pirates are going, 'Come on!')

"Hey, here's an amazing fact. Sarah Palin made $12 million last year. In fact, Sarah Palin had such a good year, she was actually able to quit her part-time job as governor of Alaska." –Jay Leno

"According to sources at the Pentagon, al Qaeda is nearing financial ruin. But ironically, their top people still got their million-dollar bonuses." –Jay Leno

"Well, just four days after Goldman Sachs cost investors $12 billion by failing to tell them that they're being investigated for fraud, they gave out another $5.4 billion in bonuses. Huh? Even Somali pirates are going, 'Come on!'" –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I think we owe Michael an apology (a couple of putz)

"I was surprised. Obama is a pretty good golfer. And he missed a couple of putts, or he would have broken 90. Could have broken 90. Missed a couple of putts. Speaking of a couple of putz, anybody hear anything of Bush and Cheney?" --David Letterman

"See all those people on the news walking around wearing those surgical masks, huh? For the swine flu. Suddenly Michael Jackson is not so crazy, huh? Yeah! I think we owe Michael an apology." --Jay Leno

"Well, another pilot has been taken off a plane for being drunk. This time it was an Air Canada pilot who was about to fly from London to Calgary. They took him off the plane before he could do something really stupid, you know, like fly low over Manhattan." --Jay Leno

"Did you see that, the 747 jet flying low over New York City? It caused a huge panic. Some government idiot thought it would be a good idea to buzz the city to get pictures of planes flying over the Statue of Liberty. But they didn't warn anybody. What's the government's next big idea? 'Hey, let's send a guy in a pirate costume to Captain Richard Phillips' house.'" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

And then it was incredible, my TV threw up (Exactly where did sex occur...)

"Do you know who is in town? One of the Somali pirates is on trial here in the United States. But he is not just in court. No, this pirate is everywhere. For example, this weekend, he's hosting 'Saturday Night Live.' Monday, he's attending the Tribeca Film Festival. Tuesday, he's going to launch his new fragrance. Wednesday, he's having lunch with Ruth Madoff. And Thursday he's going to hijack the Staten Island Ferry, so he's got a big, full schedule." --David Letterman

"Last night, I was watching 'Larry King,' who was interviewing Levi Johnston, the father of Bristol Palin's baby. And Larry asked, 'Exactly where did sex occur in the Palin’s house?' And then it was incredible, my TV threw up.” --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Friday he'll be on Rachel Ray making Clams Mogadishu (Problem Spots/Making an Example)

"How about those Somali pirates? So they bring one of the pirates to New York City so they can put him on trial. But he will also be doing some other stuff. Like, tomorrow, he's going to ring the opening bell at the stock exchange. Friday he'll be on 'Rachel Ray' making Clams Mogadishu, and he will be the starting pitcher for the Yankees. Monday, he'll be on the 'Today' show singing 'I Dream a Dream.' And Monday night, he'll be sleeping with Madonna. That's the full schedule." --David Letterman

"The Justice Department says they want to make an example of this Somali pirate guy. And I thought, really? In terms of making an example, I don't think you can do much better than shooting the other three guys in the head." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Top Ten Thoughts Going Through the Somali Pirate's Mind While in New York City (I'm gonna plotz!)

David Letterman's Top Ten Thoughts Going Through the Somali Pirate's Mind While in New York City

10. This city is more dangerous than downtown Mogadishu.
9. It's like my own episode of "Gossip Girl."
8. Maybe Madonna will adopt me.
7. If I don't get a corned beef on rye soon, I'm gonna plotz!
6. How can I meet Zac Efron?
5. Go Niners!
4. Any chance of getting "Jersey Boys" tickets?
3. This would be a pretty sweet trip if it weren't for the handcuffs and jail.
2. Why the hell are these people lining up to see Letterman?
1. You charge $40 for parking, and I'm the pirate?

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

there's always Congress, the NFL, and show business (You lost. Get over it.)

"And as the economy lags, the Army is getting more and more selective now. The Army announced this week they will no longer accept drug addicts and felons. But the good news is there's always Congress, the NFL, and show business." --Jay Leno

"Remember those Somali pirates, those crazy guys that are hijacking boats and stuff? They got one of them here in New York City standing trial. And I want to tell you something, this guy thinks he's a pirate. Well, wait until he gets the bill for his New York legal team. Then we'll see who the pirate is. That's what I say." --David Letterman

"But they have the pirate locked up. And today, he met one of his idols, Bernie Madoff." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

never hail a cab that is flying a Somalian skull and bones (That's exactly what I've been saying)

"A lot of folks from out of town visiting New York City. Be careful, word of caution, word of caution. Never hail a cab, now I'm serious about this, never hail a cab that is flying a Somalian skull and bones." --David Letterman

"Have you had a cab driver using a cell phone? I'm in the cab this morning coming to work and I said, 'Look, look, look. Look, do me a favor, stop talking on your cell phone.' And the driver said, 'I'm not talking on my cell phone, I'm on Google Earth trying to track down an oil tanker off the Horn of Africa.'" --David Letterman

"Did you hear what Nicolas Sarkozy, the French president, said about Obama yesterday? He called his new policies 'unsubstantial and overrated.' Then Hillary Clinton said, 'That's exactly what I've been saying.'" --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

You know the way most ex-cons actually get jobs? (They get re-elected)

"Newsweek magazine reports that the reason there are so many of these pirate hijackings is that the shipping companies have decided it's cheaper just to pay a ransom than to change the shipping route to sail out of the pirates' way. So even though these are evil crooks, we give them the money anyway. It's the same way the bank bailout works." --Jay Leno

"In Philadelphia, a government program offering a $10,000 tax credit to any business hiring an ex-con had no takers. In fact, you know the way most ex-cons actually get jobs? They get re-elected." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Hey if you don't straighten up next year, crumpets, buddy (The ones who are really killing people)

"Some Americans did a very dumb thing today. They had tea party protests. They've been mailing tea bags to Congress to I guess express their dissatisfaction with taxes and government spending because nothing shakes a politician up like a complimentary bag of tea. 'Hey if you don't straighten up next year, crumpets, buddy.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley -- all dependents." --Jay Leno

"And as you know, that captain of the merchant ship that was held captive by three Somali pirates was rescued when the pirates were shot and killed by a group of Navy Seals. President Obama authorized the military to use any force necessary to accomplish this. And today, the CEOs of Ford, Chrysler and GM said, 'We'll build any car you want.'" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

However, the pirates are still holding the ship comic (or as we call them in this country, rap stars)

"So the Navy Seal snipers shot three pirates. They shot them at the same time, simultaneously. I mean that is sharp shooting, ladies and gentlemen. Boom, all of them gone. I mean, something like that hasn't really happened since the last Dick Cheney hunting trip." --Jimmy Fallon

"So the good news is the Navy sea captain from the United States was rescued in that action. However, the pirates are still holding the ship comic." --Jimmy Fallon

"Whew! Last night, I had that great new drink, the Navy Seal. Three shots -- boom -- and you're done." --Jay Leno

"Well, you know, Defense Secretary Robert Gates said the Somali pirates were all 'untrained teenagers with heavy weapons,' or as we call them in this country, rap stars." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the United States government borrowed a billion eggs from China (I call it common sense)

"And today, they had the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. They always have it on Monday after Easter. But this year, because of the economy, they almost had to cancel the Easter egg roll. At the last minute, though, the United States government borrowed a billion eggs from China." --David Letterman

"How about that story, with the pirates off the coast of Somalia? Man, I mean, President Obama, this guy is getting it done, you know. He rounded up the Somali pirates and the Madoffs all in the same year. Looking pretty good." --David Letterman

"Now the new puppy is a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Apparently, they call the dog Bo because Michelle's father's nickname is Diddly. So Bo Diddly. It's very complicated. Settling on a name for the President's dog is like having to name one of the octomom's kids." --Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”