to keep everyone safe, you can now bring only up to 3.4 ounces of Covid on board (Look, job creators)

April 2022

“A federal judge in Florida struck down the C.D.C.’s mask mandate for public transportation. Yeah, passengers were dancing, hugging, kissing — and now they’re all in quarantine.” —Jimmy Fallon

“But don’t worry, to keep everyone safe, you can now bring only up to 3.4 ounces of Covid on board.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yeah, if you thought Omicron was bad, wait till you meet the Spirit variant.” —Jimmy Fallon

“The mask mandate change took effect mid-flight. I don’t care what you think of masks – you have to admit, it is insane to change a safety rule in the middle of a flight! Just as a general rule, nothing should change mid-flight, ever. Nothing. I don’t want the course changing, I don’t want the cabin pressure changing. I definitely don’t want my seat changing so that you can sit next to your wife. The point is: a lot of people only booked that flight in the first place because they felt safe knowing that everyone had to wear masks. You can’t just flip that while people are already on the plane. You have to give people a chance to decide if this is something they want to do. The swift policy change is crazy. This would be like if a rollercoaster decided to change its safety policies when you’re already on the ride.” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

on the way home hug a hobo (drunk me vs sober me)

January 2022

“If this pandemic were a movie, it would be Tenet. It’s impossible to understand, and I just wish it would end, which turns out is the beginning.” —Stephen Colbert

“The host also reacted to a subtle shift in public health messaging in recent days, as the US reached record numbers of Covid infections: They’re trying to make us get used to all of this. Dr. Fauci testified on Omicron’s transmissibility on Tuesday: ‘Omicron will infect just about everybody.’ Do you hear that? Being attacked for two years has clearly broken Dr Fauci. (imitating Fauci) ‘Rip off your mask, go to hot yoga, on the way home hug a hobo – I don’t give a vaccinated crap. We’re all doomed.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Dr. Fauci also said that those who have been vaccinated will ‘very likely, with some exceptions, do reasonably well’. There are certain things I don’t want to equivocate on. My life is one of them. You don’t want to hear a skydiving instructor say, ‘Jump from the plane! You will very likely, with some exceptions, do reasonably well.’ According to experts, unvaccinated people are 10 times likelier to be infected with Omicron and 20 times likelier to die. They’re also 50 times likelier to start a fight with a Kroger employee because the Mexican food aisle is in Spanish.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

I hear it’s dating Pete Davidson (The beginning is near)

January 2022

“Several news outlets have discouraged people from trying to purposely get infected with Omicron to ‘get it over with.’ I wonder if I should deliberately try to catch Covid. I mean, all the other late-night hosts are doing it. James Corden, Jimmy Fallon and Seth Meyers, have all contracted Covid over the last two weeks. I’m starting to think they had a secret sleepover, and I wasn’t invited.” —Stephen Colbert

“Yes, getting Omicron is super-popular. I hear it’s dating Pete Davidson.” —Stephen Colbert

“And now, I don’t know what’s going on because the United States reported 1.5 million new infections yesterday. That is terrible, but kind of sweet that we all gave each other the same thing for Christmas.” —Stephen Colbert

“Soon, there’s going to be almost as many people in hospitals as there are TV shows about hospitals.” —Stephen Colbert

“The US also saw a record-breaking 145,000 Covid hospitalizations, with experts predicting a peak in the 300,000 range, though the CDC has offered a clarification on that statistic. Its director, Rochelle Walensky, estimated that 40% of the patients hospitalized with Covid are not presenting because of Covid symptoms, but coming in for something else and then having the virus detected. OK sure, but even if people aren’t coming in for Covid initially, the hospitals are still overflowing. That’s like saying ‘uh, technically, up to 40% of the people who drowned on the Titanic were already wet because they were in the bathtub when the ship went down, so not so bad.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry  

 

I think maybe Pfizer needs to come out with some gummies and a hard lemonade (Dr. Dumbass)

January 2022

“The rapid spread of Omicron among my staff, shut down production last week, and encouraged alternative motivations for getting the unvaccinated to participate. Quebec, for instance, has announced a vaccine requirement for the purchase of alcohol and cannabis; first-dose appointments have increased from 1,500 a day to 6,000. I think maybe Pfizer needs to come out with some gummies and a hard lemonade.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Of course, there are all sorts of new crazy miracle cures and remedies. There is a particularly egregious anti-vax evangelist named Christopher Key who touts ‘urine therapy’ – drinking one’s own urine – as a Covid treatment. If this guy’s kids ever set up a lemonade stand in your neighborhood, run.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Urine therapy – that’s actually one conspiracy theory I’m OK with. You think vaccines were created by the devil or George Soros or Bill Gates? Go ahead, pee in a mason jar and chug along with Dr Dumbass.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So get ready for the craziest St. Patrick’s Day in the history of the world (higher than the people of Denver)

January 2022

“Speaking of breaking records, thanks to Omicron, the seven-day average for newly reported cases in the U.S. topped 700,000. Seven hundred thousand! That’s the population of Denver, and you know you’re in trouble when you’re higher than the people of Denver.” —Stephen Colbert

“But Omicron could be over by Groundhog Day, which would be just in time because scientists in Cyprus have found 25 cases of a strain of the coronavirus that they say combines elements of the Delta and Omicron variants, that they’re calling ‘Deltacron.’ Deltacron, also the name of the disappointing Transformer who turns into a delayed flight for Atlanta.” —Stephen Colbert

“Scientists are currently disputing a new study that claims to have discovered a so-called Deltacron strain of the coronavirus. It combines the Delta and Omicron variants, and the only thing that can stop it is the Pfizerna vaccine.” —Seth Meyers

“Well, guys, today, the C.E.O. of Pfizer said that its vaccine for the Omicron variant will be ready in March. So get ready for the craziest St. Patrick’s Day in the history of the world.” —Jimmy Fallon

“It feels like this March Madness, we’ll be filling out brackets to predict which of the 68 variants will become the dominant strain.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

Closing the subway because of the germs is like closing Broadway because of jazz hands (you get to make one rule)

January 2022

“The Omicron surge wreaked havoc on holiday travel – airlines cancelled more than 12,000 flights between Christmas Eve and New Year’s Day, and New York City suspended several subway lines due to staffing issues. What? Closing the subway because of the germs is like closing Broadway because of jazz hands.” —Stephen Colbert

“Partly in response to widespread staffing shortages, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) last week cut the isolation time for Americans who test positive from 10 days to five. Some have raised suspicions about the timing of the policy change, as just days before the announcement, the CEO of Delta Air Lines asked the CDC for a five-day isolation guidance. Well, that’s just longstanding policy: if your business is named after a variant, you get to make one rule.” —Stephen Colbert

“They also said you can swim right after you eat, breaking a mirror only gives you four years bad luck, and stepping on a crack won’t break your mother’s back; her back will just be very disappointed.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s basically how Fox News described January 6th (just add more mistletoe)

December 2021

“The White House is skipping their annual holiday parties because of Covid this year — and because Joe Biden goes to sleep at 4 p.m.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“This is in stark contrast to the previous White House’s ‘Catch the holiday fever’ themed droplet jamborees.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“The White House just announced, due to Covid concerns, instead of the traditional holiday parties, he’s inviting guests to come see the decorations on a 30-minute self-guided tour, which is just a fancy way of Biden saying, ‘Come if you want, but I ain’t gonna be there!’ That’s right, a self-guided tour of a historic Washington building. That’s basically how Fox News described Jan. 6.” — Jimmy Fallon

“The Democratic National Committee held its annual holiday party last night outside of the Hotel Washington, due to the spread of the Omicron variant. Meanwhile, the Republican holiday party just added more mistletoe.” —Seth Meyers

“President Biden attended the D.N.C.’s annual holiday party last night and gave a 10-minute speech in just under an hour.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

nothing has ever explained Fox News better than a rich white lady calling a homeless man Scrooge (Sweet Hot Capital City Mambo Sauce)

December 2021

After the tree outside Fox headquarters was set on fire by a homeless man, Fox News host Ainsley Earhardt said, ‘This Scrooge is not going to get away with it.’ And nothing has ever explained Fox News better than a rich white lady calling a homeless man Scrooge. —Michael Che

The CDC believes the Omicron variant first appeared in the U.S. during a recent anime convention in New York. Damn, the one time they leave the house. —Michael Che

After CNN fired Chris Cuomo, it was revealed that the former anchor has been accused of sexual misconduct just like his older brother. Well, those two are quite a pair, said Cuomo to a female co-worker. —Michael Che

A woman testifying in the sex trafficking trial of Ghislaine Maxwell, said that Maxwell told her that Jeffrey Epstein needed to have sex at least three times a day, and if not, he’d kill himself. —Michael Che

Kentucky Fried Chicken is testing a new dipping sauce called Sweet Hot Capital City Mambo Sauce. Coincidentally, Sweet Hot Capital City Mambo Sauce is also what Colin Jost calls rap music. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

I guess you don’t have to wear protection when you go **** yourself (Did someone say Open Bar?)

December 2021

“Given fears about transmissibility of the variant, which is still poorly understood, New York City mayor Bill de Blasio this week unveiled the nation’s first vaccine mandate for private companies, which will apply to 184,000 businesses. That’s the full range of New York businesses, from Famous Original Ray’s Pizza, to Original Ray’s Famous Pizza Ray. De Blasio also imposed proof of vaccination requirements for all kids between the ages of 5 and 11 entering restaurants, theaters and gyms. That’s great, we’ve got to make it safe for our 6-year-olds to hit the leg press.” —Stephen Colbert

“Still, the only thing spreading faster than Omicron is misinformation from conservatives. Georgia representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, tweeted over the weekend: ‘Every single year more than 600,000 people in the US die from cancer. The country has never once shut down. Not a single school has closed.’ Because cancer is not contagious, you nimrod. That’s like comparing apples and oranges to cancer.” —Stephen Colbert

“Marjorie Taylor Greene wasn’t the only GOP lawmaker to sow doubt over the legitimacy of a virus variant. On Fox News host Brian Kilmeade’s radio show last week, Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson said: ‘Fauci did the exact same thing with Aids. He overhyped it.’ Yes, Aids: the pandemic the federal government famously took too seriously. Well, if Aids was overhyped, Senator Johnson, then I guess you don’t have to wear protection when you go fuck yourself.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, that’s what passes for good news in 2021 (This calls for a tepid uncertain celebration)

December 2021

“Everybody’s talking about it, but nobody really knows what the story is really about, because it’s all Omicron — Omicron this and Omicron that. But we don’t really understand if it’s going to change anything. We don’t ‘knowmicron’ about Omicron.” —Stephen Colbert

“So far, Omicron appears to be milder and more infectious than Delta, and that may be happening because, according to a new study, ‘It shares genetic code with the common cold.’ This pandemic has gone on so long, we’re officially in the remix stage. The next variant’s going to be Covid, featuring shingles, the Skrillex mix.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Well, here’s some good news. Dr. Fauci said that the first data on the severity of the Omicron variant is ‘encouraging.’ Yeah, that’s what passes for good news in 2021.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Dr. Fauci says that while it’s still too early to know for sure, it looks like Omicron spreads more easily than Delta but may be less severe, yeah — which means Covid might have watered itself down so it could reach more people — like the Ice Cube of corona variants.” —Trevor Noah

“The new deadly virus variant is only worrisome. People were like, ‘This calls for a tepid uncertain celebration.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Greetings from California, home of extra-crispy trees (At least we know that it’s not transmitted via eye contact)

December 2021

“Yesterday, we learned the first Omicron case on U.S. soil was found in California, which led the state’s secretary of health and human services to claim Californians were proud to have identified the first Omicron case. Good for you, Golden State. You put that kind of positive spin on all your disasters: ‘Greetings from California, home of extra-crispy trees.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Unfortunately, that’s not the only case. Today, a second case of the Omicron variant was identified in Minnesota. But do not panic — it’s just one person in America’s heartland, who recently traveled to New York City. OK, OK fine but maybe he was here on business, spent most of his time alone in his hotel getting takeout and staring pensively out the window at all the people he wasn’t infecting — right after he attended the 2021 anime convention at the Javits Center.” —Stephen Colbert

“That’s right, one of the first U.S. cases of the new Covid variant may be an adult man who attended an anime convention. I mean, which is good. At least we know that it’s not transmitted via eye contact.” —Trevor Noah

“But people, please remember this, we shouldn’t be surprised when we find more and more cases, OK? Because Omicron is like those microscopic bugs that live in your eyelashes: Even if you don’t see them, you know that they’re there. Yeah, laughing at you about all the spiders that crawl into your mouth while you sleep.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening, I was ordering 700 rolls of toilet paper – out of concern, not panic (Atomic Ghost Pepper Extra Chunky Variant)

November 2021

“The new Omicron variant, which, according to some scientists seems to be more transmissible, though cases appear to be mild. So we’re grading the variants on the salsa scale now. In that case, I look forward to the Atomic Ghost Pepper Extra Chunky Variant.” —Stephen Colbert

“In response to the variant, Joe Biden attempted to calm the public on Monday, calling Omicron ‘a cause for concern, not a cause for panic’. What? I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening, I was ordering 700 rolls of toilet paper – out of concern, not panic.” —Stephen Colbert

“President Biden also promised to unveil a new strategy this week outlining how we’re going to fight Covid this winter, ‘not with shutdowns or lockdowns, but with more widely spread vaccinations, boosters, testing and more’. And more? Can you be more specific than ‘and more’?” Is this the health of our nation or the weird kitchenware and food section of TJ Maxx – ‘Don’t panic folks, we’ll treat this with vaccinations, boosters, testing, a journal that says ‘hope’ on the front, a broken egg timer and a bottle of what appears to be maple syrup that has no label on it.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s a scientific phenomenon known as Aaron Rodgers (Incoming booster selfies in three, two, one...)

November 2021

“In a recent interview, the C.E.O. of Moderna said scientists he’s spoken to about the new Covid variant, Omicron, agree ‘it’s not going to be good.’ It’s kind of like when the trailer for the movie ‘Cats’ came out — the only thing we knew was ‘Well, it’s not going to be good.’ But we didn’t know the extent of how not good it would be.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Following the news on the Omicron variant, the C.D.C. is now saying that all adults should get a booster shot. Right now, Instagram is like, ‘Incoming booster selfies in three, two, one.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“But no one knows for sure, so both Pfizer and Moderna are testing how well their vaccines protect against Omicron. Unfortunately, they won’t know the results for two weeks, at the earliest. Evidently, the scientists are stuck in a container off the coast of China.” —Stephen Colbert

“And now for the bad news: Omicron does appear to be evading vaccines. It’s a scientific phenomenon known as Aaron Rodgers.” —Stephen Colbert

“And I wish they would hurry up, because I need to know what I’m doing in two weeks from now, you know? Should I be buying my ‘Spider-Man’ tickets or learning how to hunt and cook wild animals? Or should I split the difference and buy ‘Spider-Man’ tickets for the wild animals?” —Trevor Noah

“And also if we do need a new vaccine for this new variant, it’s not a big deal, all right, people? I see people online being like, ‘We’re gonna get a new shot every year?’ Yeah, you know what? Maybe to not die you need to take 15 minutes out of your year. What, is your life so busy that you don’t have time for that? I guarantee you, at some point in the next year, you will walk by a CVS. Unless you live in the desert — then it’s gonna be like a five-minute walk to a CVS.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

everybody talks about it, but nobody actually experiences it (just hire the Texas A&M marching band)

November 2021

“Experts are hoping that the new strain of Covid,  Omicron ends up being like the second season of ‘Tiger King’ where everybody talks about it, but nobody actually experiences it.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Yeah, we need another variant like we another turkey sandwich for lunch.” —Jimmy Fallon

“But the White House said it would take two weeks to have definitive data on the new strain. That’s right, even our Covid information has shipping delays. Unbelievable!” —Jimmy Fallon

“Due to concern over delivery times, many holiday shoppers are stockpiling their favorite gifts. That’s why really smart shoppers don’t wait till Black Friday – they start trampling people weeks ago. One survey found that 20% of shoppers plan to order more gifts in case some orders are delayed or canceled. So if you’re doing the 12 days of Christmas, be safe and double your order. That’s 16 maids a-milking, that’s 20 lords a-leaping, and forget about 12 drummers drumming – just hire the Texas A&M marching band.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it sounds like a Transformer who can’t smell or taste (I killed a man in line for this thing!)

November 2021

“There is a new Covid variant called Omicron and it has a disturbingly high number of mutations, which make it potentially more dangerous than the others. Yes, it’s all the greatest hits in one place, like if ‘Mamma Mia’ killed you instead of teaching you about the power of love.” —Trevor Noah

“I mean, how did that happen after everything we did? I mean, for two years now, people, we wore masks for some of the time, we social distanced when it was convenient, then like half of us got vaccinated — what more is it gonna take?” —Trevor Noah

“And it could be that all of these mutations that sound so scary turn out to be not that big a deal, you know? Like when Apple acts like it is making tons of changes to the iPhone and we’re like, ‘I need a new iPhone! I need a new iPhone!’ and you get it and you’re like, ‘Wait — it’s just a slightly different camera? I killed a man in line for this thing!’” —Trevor Noah

“Omicron — it sounds like a Transformer who can’t smell or taste.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”