Is it possible that 18 million Americans don't know what the word favorable means? (We Did It)

"It's Day 71 of the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. They just did a poll that says only 6 percent of Americans have a favorable view of BP, to which I say, 6 percent of Americans have a favorable view of BP? That's 18 million people. Is it possible that 18 million Americans don't know what the word favorable means?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"BP is running with this, I guess. Their company newsletter has an article that says most gulf residents aren't upset with BP because their cleanup crews have boosted the local economy. BP taking credit for boosting the economy in the gulf is like al Qaeda taking credit for creating jobs in airport security." –Jimmy Kimmel

For Donald Trump it was an hour-long tirade/hissy fit. He played all the hits. He did “Crooked Hillary,” “MS-13,” “Space Force,” “Lock Her Up.” There was some new material too. He's calling the Russia witch hunt investigation a scam. It's a scam now. He says if the scam gets any bigger they're going to have to start calling it Trump University. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Besides, you're saying it wrong. (This is no way for the assistant commander of the Space Force to behave)

"At the St. Louis Zoo, Newt Gingrich got too close to one of the animals and was bit on the hand by a penguin. If you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you." –Jimmy Kimmel

Tax Day normally falls on April 15 traditionally, but they moved it this year because the 15th was a Saturday, and I think it’s illegal to make people do math on Saturdays. –Jimmy Kimmel

“Meanwhile, vice president Pence seems to be learning some Trumpy new tricks about self-promotion. Mike Pence’s office is refusing to let White House health experts appear on CNN unless the network promised to air the vice-president’s non-expert comments. I don’t know how we explain this to Mike Pence, but he isn’t Batman. He’s Robin. Nobody cares about Robin. In the last 30 years they made nine Batman movies, Robin only got to be in two of them. So calm down, boy wonder. This is no way for the assistant commander of the Space Force to behave.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I hope your day is as nice as your butt (Just don’t ask where the mint on your pillow has been)

Hillary Clinton gave a speech in Columbus, Ohio, where she called Trump an uncaring businessman. Which I guess is supposed to be an insult, except those are the exact words he has printed on his business card. –Jimmy Kimmel

For Trump it was an hour-long tirade/hissy fit. He played all the hits. He did “Crooked Hillary,” “MS-13,” “Space Force,” “Lock Her Up.” There was some new material too. He's calling the Russia witch hunt investigation a scam. It's a scam now. He says if the scam gets any bigger they're going to have to start calling it Trump University. --Jimmy Kimmel

The state of California has what they call “pay to stay” jails where an inmate can pay for a more comfortable cell. For $100 a night an inmate can get a semi-private room, single showers, and they can make phone calls whenever they want. Like a hotel. Just don’t ask where the mint on your pillow has been. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump thinks the biggest threats to America are asylum seekers and Klingons (Us love you more, Mr. Trunks!)

After President Trump declared a national emergency to bypass Congress and build his border wall, 16 states filed legal challenges almost immediately. In comments to reporters this week, Trump insisted he had the absolute right to unilaterally build his wall and said it was a matter of national security. President Trump, “We have the absolute right to do that. I have an absolute right to call national security. We need strong borders. It's an open and closed case. I was put here for security, whether it's Space Force, which we're doing today, or whether it's borders.” Space Force and borders? It's pretty telling that despite the effects of climate change, gun violence, and inadequate healthcare, Trump thinks the biggest threats to America are asylum seekers and Klingons. --Seth Meyers

An 88-year-old woman has set a new record for oldest female to stand on the wing of a flying plane. It sounds dangerous, but it’s actually the safest place to be when you fly United. –Seth Meyers

Following his win at last night’s Nevada caucus, Donald Trump told supporters that he won in almost every voter demographic, and said, quote, “I love the poorly educated.” To which they replied, “Us love you more, Mr. Trunks!" –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

So, whichever one of those is best for me legally, just put that down (it's just what his iPhone autocorrects to when he types "Hello")

President Trump tweeted today "There was no collusion. It is a hoax, and there is no obstruction of justice. That is a setup and trap." But it's not Trump's fault he tweeted that, it's just what his iPhone autocorrects to when he types "Hello." --Seth Meyers

If you want to make it easier on yourself, just ask Donald Trump one question, and he'll give you 49 different answers. "I did — I did meet with him, but I also didn't. So, whichever one of those is best for me legally, just put that down." --Seth Meyers

President Trump said yesterday he is seriously thinking of creating a sixth branch of the military called the "Space Force." They'll patrol the distant reaches between him and Melania. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Protecting this in-between area, this no man’s land. It’s a very sensitive zone. (8mm dilated)

February 2023

“Those balloons, I appreciate how we’re not ruling anything out, but we’re shooting everything down. Is it a kite? Is it aliens? Is it the old man from Up? Who cares! We’ll figure it out when we sift through the wreckage. The three UFOs were detected once the government adjusted the radar settings to be more sensitive, and once they did that, they realized there’s all kinds of shit flying up, all the time, everywhere. It’s like when you start paying attention to what ingredients are in your food and realize like everything has guar gum in it. What’s guar gum? Where was the Space Force? Isn’t dealing with UFOs their thing? They’re in this like weird in-between zone between the sky and space. It’s like the Earth’s taint. Really, what we need is a taint zone to protect this in-between area, this no man’s land. It’s a very sensitive zone.” —Sarah Silverman

“The Super Bowl festivities, included the confirmation that Rihanna is pregnant with her second child minutes after her half-time show. If you’re one of those 19 million people who called in sick to work today – Rihanna last night had a nine-month-old in her dressing room, she was 8mm dilated, and she still managed to get out there and do her job.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Here are the funds for your Death Star, Lord Trump (This is a man who would sell ad time during a moment of silence)

"It's nice to know that no matter how bad things get in the Middle East, Mitt Romney is always there to make them worse. You saw him this week when our embassies were under attack, before any facts were in he tried to score political points because he sees everything as a business opportunity. This is a man who would sell ad time during a moment of silence." –Bill Maher

"One of the Chilean miners had four women waiting for him; there was the wife he never divorced, then there was the woman he lives with, then there was his current girlfriend and then the baby mama. He is now known as the Tiger Woods of mining." –Bill Maher, on one of the Chilean miners

"The Republican who summarized it best was Indiana Republican Marlin Stutzman, who said, 'We're not going to be disrespected. We have to get something out of this, and I don't even know what that is.' Say what you will about a toddler throwing a tantrum in the grocery store. At least he knows he wants Coco Puffs." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Can’t you let us have anything? (reverse Angry Birds)

September 2022

“We are celebrating the success of Nasa’s mission to hit an asteroid with a spacecraft going 15,000mph, in a test of their ability to alter the path of space rocks on potential collision paths with Earth. Some have called the mission, known as Dart (Double Asteroid Redirection Test), the world’s first planetary defense mission, which is exciting news really for everyone other than the Space Force. They’re like ‘can’t you let us have anything?’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“The rocket weighed about 1,000 pounds, which is kinda amazing. Two large pigs weigh 1,000 pounds. Nasa’s plan to avoid the annihilation of humankind is basically a reverse Angry Birds.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“There was a control room celebration after the successful asteroid strike, in which Nasa staff hugged and high-fived. I feel like half the reason you take a job at Nasa is for this control room standing ovation moment. These people fired at and hit an asteroid more than 7 million miles away – they celebrated with a round of the lamest high-fives you’ve ever seen in your life.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sometimes everything you need is right in your own house (So that's a NO on healthcare, Huh?)

The Scripps National Spelling Bee was last night on ESPN. I watched it, and ESPN was the only word all night I knew how to spell. –Jimmy Fallon

"Burger King is adding a new kids' meal that's lower in fat, sodium and calories. It's called the 'I Don't Want That.'" --Jimmy Fallon

One of the winners of this year's national spelling bee has an older brother who won the competition in 2014. Or as their dad put it, "I'm just going to throw these baseball mitts away." –Jimmy Fallon

"Lindsay Lohan began her house arrest. When he heard about it, Arnold Schwarzenegger was like, 'Don't worry, Lindsay. Sometimes everything you need is right in your own house.'" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

After that, your day and his day start to diverge pretty wildly (it's just what his iPhone autocorrects to when he types "Hello.")

President Trump said yesterday he is seriously thinking of creating a sixth branch of the military called the "Space Force." They'll patrol the distant reaches between him and Melania. --Seth Meyers

President Trump tweeted today "There was no collusion. It is a hoax, and there is no obstruction of justice. That is a setup and trap." But it's not Trump's fault he tweeted that, it's just what his iPhone autocorrects to when he types "Hello." --Seth Meyers

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson put out a new alarm clock app today which includes a feature that will sync with The Rock's calendar so fans can wake up at the same time as him. After that, your day and his day start to diverge pretty wildly. –Seth Meyers

Indiana is holding its primary today, and Donald Trump is currently leading Ted Cruz by 15 points. While John Kasich still holds a narrow lead over "Not Sure." –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

much to the dismay of Mike Pence, who believes being exploratory is a sin (asylum seekers and Klingons)

Openly gay Democratic mayor Pete Buttigieg announced this morning that he has launched an exploratory committee for a possible presidential run, much to the dismay of Mike Pence, who believes being exploratory is a sin. --Seth Meyers

Wildlife experts are reportedly puzzled as to why a pair of bald eagles at the National Arboretum, named Mr. President and The First Lady, have not yet laid an egg this spring. Though they haven't really been getting along since Mr. President had that affair with Stormy Daniels. --Seth Meyers

According to CNN, President Trump has been told by advisers not to fight Stormy Daniels’ decision to break her confidentiality agreement because it would make him look guilty. Though not as guilty as, say, HAVING a confidentiality agreement. Nobody makes you sign a confidentiality agreement when they’re proud of what they did. --Seth Meyers

After Trump declared a national emergency to bypass Congress and build his border wall, 16 states filed legal challenges almost immediately. In comments to reporters this week, Trump insisted he had the absolute right to unilaterally build his wall and said it was a matter of national security. President Trump, “We have the absolute right to do that. I have an absolute right to call national security. We need strong borders. It's an open and closed case. I was put here for security, whether it's Space Force, which we're doing today, or whether it's borders.” Space Force and borders? It's pretty telling that despite the effects of climate change, gun violence, and inadequate healthcare, Trump thinks the biggest threats to America are asylum seekers and Klingons. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So that's a NO on healthcare, huh (or as the Mayans call it, April Fools Day)

December 2012

"Well folks, it is December 21, or as the Mayans call it, April Fools Day." –Jay Leno

"Well, we got a lot to worry about. In nine days, fiscal cliff. I woke up this morning thinking, Wait a minute. Five days until the fiscal cliff? Where is Superman?" –Jay Leno

"But you shouldn't be worried. You should have faith in our representatives in Congress and the Senate." –Jay Leno

"Here's what happened in Washington today. The Republicans and the Democrats got together. They rolled up their sleeves and then they took a break." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Looks like you've had a bit too much to think (New York wasn’t a state back then!)

February 2021

“The state of America’s power grids, under scrutiny after widespread blackouts left millions of Texans without power or water during a polar vortex. The four power grids in North America – western, eastern, Quebec and Texas – constitute the most massive machine that man has ever built. And it’s amazing how it connects the entire continent – I mean, just think, while you’re blending a smoothie in your kitchen, Donald Trump is using the same electricity to shred his tax returns.” —Trevor Noah

“Our power grid is a massive system that unfortunately, like a tweet from 2010, hasn’t aged well. The US grid loses power almost three times more often than it did in 1984, and far more than other industrialized nations; most of its power infrastructure hasn’t been updated in decades. This is pretty worrisome – America’s living in 2021 with an electric grid that’s barely been updated in the last 50 years. You have to update technology more often than that, people! I mean imagine trying to get through your life with the first iPhone. You couldn’t even use the maps app because New York wasn’t a state back then!” —Trevor Noah

“And the problems with the power grid are getting worse, as the grids are liable to shutdowns from climate change-fueled extreme weather and cyber-attacks. This is a scary future that the world is facing, but the good news is the United States now has Space Force. I mean, they won’t be able to protect the power grid, but if it does go down, someone in space can look down on Earth and be like, ‘Yeah, it looks like the lights are out down there.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He hasn’t been this stressed out since the time he saw a woman in short sleeves (La La Land)

January 2021

“Poor Mike Pence. He hasn’t been this stressed out since the time he saw a woman in short sleeves.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“The vice president’s role is ceremonial. It’s like the Oscars. He basically opens the envelope and announces the name. But Trump wants him to pull a ‘La La Land.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Something tells me tomorrow morning, some very important Space Force business is going to come up that Mike Pence has to deal with personally.” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Adult stuff, I think we can all agree, adult stuff (Kumbaya is where Trump thinks Obama was born)

“Obama’s remarks about Trump’s handling of the pandemic set off a five-alarm outrage fire over at Fox News, with talking heads predictably calling it improper and lacking decorum; one host said the speech demonstrated how Obama is ‘not all that articulate’. Look, there’s no denying Obama went out of his way to diss Trump in his speech. But I genuinely find it hilarious that Fox News – Fox News – is going to spend all day being offended about how a former president doesn’t have decorum when the current president literally interrupted a pandemic briefing to remind everybody how he boned models.” —Trevor Noah

“After former President Obama criticized the U.S. response to the coronavirus pandemic in a virtual commencement address to college graduates this weekend, White House adviser Peter Navarro called the Obama administration a, quote, ‘kumbaya of incompetence.’ Incidentally, Kumbaya is where Trump thinks Obama was born.” —Seth Meyers

“It’s both revealing and depressing that when Obama talks about grown-ups behaving like little children, we all know exactly who he’s talking about. I mean, there’s no mystery. Even Trump knows. It’s not like his aides went to him and said, ‘Sir, he was talking about you,’ and Trump said, ‘Moi? But I was just sitting here drawing a new logo for the Space Force. Adult stuff, I think we can all agree, adult stuff.’” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

This is no way for the assistant commander of the space force to behave (don’t let him in — he’s 3,000 years old)

“Traditionally on Passover, you save a place for Elijah and someone gets up and checks to see if he’s at the door. But this year, if he’s there, don’t let him in — he’s 3,000 years old.” —Stephen Colbert

“Meanwhile, the vice-poodle seems to be learning some Trumpy new tricks about self-promotion. Mike Pence’s office is refusing to let White House health experts appear on CNN unless the network promised to air the vice-president’s non-expert comments. I don’t know how we explain this to Mike Pence, but he isn’t Batman. He’s Robin. Nobody cares about Robin. In the last 30 years they made nine Batman movies, Robin only got to be in two of them. So calm down, boy wonder. This is no way for the assistant commander of the space force to behave.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Of course, all the experts agree that the only way out of this pandemic is to increase, in any way possible, widely available, reliable testing. So, naturally, it was announced yesterday that the White House will end federal support for coronavirus testing sites on Friday. Why is Trump opposed to the testing? Someone tell him they’re coronavirus tests, not paternity tests!” —Stephen Colbert

“The federal government will end funding for coronavirus testing sites this Friday, with some locations shutting down. You think now is the time to cut off funding for tests? Are you insane? It’s like getting halfway through surgery, taking the guy’s spleen out and saying: ‘All right, you can wake him up. He can sew himself back together, that’s the easy part.’” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Glad we have a Space Force instead of a Pandemic Response Team (victory in the Pacific with Chef Boyardee)

“Coronavirus has offered disheartening examples of failing leadership, but some are rising to the occasion: South Korea’s government took the threat seriously and handed control of the crisis to medical experts. South Africa’s president didn’t hesitate to shut down the country. And here in America, in the absence of leadership from the White House, governors from California to Ohio are stepping up to fill the void. Basically, what’s happening in America is whatever happens when a family has an alcoholic dad and the kids just have to raise themselves.” —Trevor Noah

“At his press conference, Trump praised his hair and solicited expertise from the CEO of MyPillow. It’s no surprise Trump would introduce the MyPillow guy at a presidential briefing – it’s a tradition going back to Harry Truman announcing victory in the Pacific with Chef Boyardee.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I cannot handle another dinner with this [expletive] (Space Force Attacks Utah?)

“That’s right: Today, Mitt Romney bravely stood up and said, ‘I cannot handle another dinner with this [expletive].’” —Samantha Bee

“Romney was actually choking back tears as he explained his decision because — well, because he knows the president is about to order the space force to attack his home state of Utah.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Romney’s decision took a lot of grit, nerve and guts. Incidentally, ‘Grit,’ ‘Nerve’ and 'Guts’ are the names of some of Mitt Romney’s sons.” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Does this a** make my country look small? (asylum seekers and Klingons)

And finally, a designer at London Fashion Week last week showcased a collection of T-shirts, scarves, and sweaters featuring images of sperm. It's available at Semen Marcus. --Seth Meyers

After Trump declared a national emergency to bypass Congress and build his border wall, 16 states filed legal challenges almost immediately. In comments to reporters this week, Trump insisted he had the absolute right to unilaterally build his wall and said it was a matter of national security. President Trump, “We have absolute right to do that. I have an absolute right to call national security. We need strong borders. It's an open and closed case. I was put here for security, whether it's Space Force, which we're doing today, or whether it's borders.” Space Force and borders? It's pretty telling that despite the effects of climate change, gun violence, and inadequate healthcare, Trump thinks the biggest threats to America are asylum seekers and Klingons. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Don Jr. tried to enlist in the Space Force (Christmas card for Putin)

Michael Cohen’s lawyers argued that in exchange for his cooperation with Mueller, Cohen should be spared prison for crimes he committed in an “abundance of enthusiasm for Trump.” So unlike the women he paid off for Trump, Cohen wasn’t faking it. --Stephen Colbert

Well, at the G20 summit, all the leaders signed a joint statement pledging to fight climate change, except for Trump. But they had a plan to get Trump to sign it -- they're gonna tell him that it's a Christmas card for Putin. --Jimmy Fallon

And get this -- I heard that Michael Cohen's decision to cooperate with Robert Mueller could put Donald Trump Jr. in serious legal trouble. You could tell Don Jr. is worried, because, today, he tried to enlist in the Space Force. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”