It’s oakey with notes of...blasted pizza (290 million to 1)

The truth is that the odds of you winning the lottery are 290 million to 1. That means you are about as likely to win the Powerball as you are to ever hear the words “President Jeb Bush.” –James Corden

A woman was recently banned from a Texas Wal-Mart after driving an electric shopping cart around the parking lot for several hours while drinking wine from a Pringles can. Also, I should add, it was 9 o’clock in the morning. If you ever want to know what my goals for retirement are, that’s pretty much it. I will say, if you have a better idea of how to get those crumbs out of the bottom of the can, I’d like to hear it. It makes sense. I can’t believe I’ve never thought of drinking wine out of a pringles can before. “Oh, this Pinot Grigio is robust. It’s oakey with notes of...blasted pizza.” --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wal-Mart said it's cheaper to fire people in bulk (hanging out with Michael Jackson)

"Wal-Mart announced it's cutting over 11,000 jobs. Wal-Mart said it's cheaper to fire people in bulk." –Jay Leno

"More problems for Goldman Sachs. Did you know the tax rate it paid on its profits last year was 0.6 percent? And of course, the CEO of Goldman Sachs was furious when he heard this. He said: 'What? When did we start paying taxes? This is ridiculous.'" –Jay Leno

"This week in his inaugural address, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spoke of wanting to bring the people of New Jersey together. He wanted to bring them together by having them all try to merge into one lane." –Jay Leno

 

"Have you seen New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson? He supported Barack. He's now got a mustache and a goatee. Analysts say he's trying to look more Hispanic, more ethnic. They say that's one of the reasons that Obama joined the Trinity Church with the radical minister, tried to appear more black. See, white politicians can't do that. You can't try to be more white, you know. You don't see white politicians listening to Lawrence Welk, square dancing, eating Wonder Bread sandwiches, you know, hanging out with Michael Jackson, trying to be more white." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wal-Mart said it's cheaper to fire people in bulk (he once cheated on one of his wives with a woman named Juanita)

"In Washington, it looks like the Senate is almost done with the healthcare bill. Otherwise known as the Joe Lieberman Insurance Company Preservation Act." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney, whose father was born in Mexico, is now talking up his Mexican heritage. Not to be outdone today, Newt Gingrich said he once cheated on one of his wives with a woman named Juanita." –Jay Leno

"Wal-Mart announced it's cutting over 11,000 jobs. Wal-Mart said it's cheaper to fire people in bulk." –Jay Leno

"They're now coming out with the new, 75th edition of Monopoly, this time with a round board. No more square boards. And actually, they've updated the whole game. In the new version, the banker is a Wall Street CEO. He overextends mortgages, he loses the bank, and when things go under, he uses his get-out-of-jail-for-free card. So it's all very realistic." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich has released a new ad attacking Mitt Romney because he knows how to speak French. Well Mitt Romney is not the only one. Jon Huntsman speaks Chinese and Rick Perry speaks gibberish." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My date is wearing an invisibility cloak (that's just his favorite aisle at Wal-Mart)

"Listen to this: In 2009, the F.B.I. reported a 20 percent decrease in the number of people robbing banks. There was, however, a huge increase in the number of banks robbing people." –Jimmy Fallon

The Harry Potter Studio Tour just announced that it's hosting a Valentine's Day dinner in the Great Hall from Hogwarts. It's great for couples, or for single guys who claim their date is wearing an “invisibility cloak.” –Jimmy Fallon

"Former Arkansas governor and potential 2016 candidate Mike Huckabee is releasing his 12th book later this month called, 'God, Guns, Grits, and Gravy.' The craziest part: that's just his favorite aisle at Wal-Mart." –Jimmy Fallon

"Fifteen states across the country have gas prices that have dipped below $2. That means it's now cheaper to buy a gallon of liquefied dinosaurs than one cup of coffee at Starbucks." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Finally a company looking out for the interests of gay and lesbian Chinese factory workers! (American traditions)

August 2013

"John Kerry said it's 'undeniable' that the president of Syria is using weapons of mass destruction. Kerry said President Obama needs to build a coalition of countries and attack soon, no matter what others might say. Today former President George Bush said, 'Hey, good luck with that. Let me know how it works out.'" –Jay Leno

"Wal-Mart will soon begin offering benefits for their employees' same-sex partners. How about that? Finally a company looking out for the interests of gay and lesbian Chinese factory workers!" –Jay Leno

"The attorney general of New York is now suing Donald Trump for $40 million claiming that Trump University is a fraud. I guess he got suspicious when he realized the dean of the business school was Bernie Madoff." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

By the way, if China calls, I'm not here. (the best 'that's what she said' joke ever)

January 2013

"President Obama's inaugural parade will feature eight floats, including a Hawaii float to honor his birthplace, an Illinois float to honor the first lady’s home state, and a Kenyan float just to mess with Republicans." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama told Congress it must raise our debt limit because the U.S. 'is not a deadbeat nation." Then the president added, 'By the way, if China calls, I'm not here.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas spoke during a court session for the first time in seven years. He never speaks and he finally spoke. It's already being called the best 'that's what she said' joke ever." –Conan O'Brien

"Wal-Mart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Wal-Mart is going to invade Costco." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Nothing takes your mind off hard times like relaxing with a fatty (an abundant supply of the poor)

November 2012

"Forget ideology. Mitt Romney is just always wrong about everything. He was wrong about bin Laden, he was wrong about FEMA. He said only a few months ago we should get rid of FEMA and let private enterprise handle disaster relief. What a great idea. Of course, on Wednesday he released a statement saying no, he loves FEMA now. I tell you, if you think a super storm is bad, if Mitt and anti-Mitt ever met, the universe would implode." –Bill Maher

"Did you see Romney packing up canned goods for victims. The people in New Jersey were like, 'What, make my marinara sauce out of a can? What are you a f**king moron?" –Bill Maher

"What happened is Romney had a rally where they bought $5,000 worth of canned goods from Wal-Mart, handed them out to their supporters, and then had their supporters pretend to be giving them to the victims for the cameras. Because that's what Mitt is all about -- people. People pretending to help people. Later on he gave blood, then stole it back and chugged it." –Bill Maher

"Even Chris Christie looked pretty good, and I loved it that Obama was with him all weekend. And it really helped Obama because Obama said he learned something in college: Nothing takes your mind off hard times like relaxing with a fatty." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

any place where you have to keep your voice down is a no-go for him (He’s got resting thrown-out face)

May 2021

“Mike Lindell, the founder and C.E.O. of My Pillow, was refused entry to a meeting of the Republican Governors Association in Nashville this week. Lindell has surely been thrown out of venues before: He’s got resting thrown-out face.” —Seth Meyers

“As a baby, his first words were, ‘But my friends are in there!’” —Seth Meyers

“Bars, libraries, children’s birthday parties — I mean, really, any place where you have to keep your voice down is a no-go for him.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I need to get Michael J. Fox back to 1985 (True Welfare Royalty)

“I guess during a pandemic crazy ideas like Medicare for all just don’t resonate.” —Stephen Colbert

“Bernie Sanders pushed Medicare for all into the mainstream, he’s shined a light on income inequality, and how corporations have used money to rig the system in their favor. And he showed us all that it’s OK to use our outdoor voice indoors.” —Trevor Noah

“[imitating Bernie Sanders] Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get Michael J. Fox back to 1985.” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

if China calls, let it go to voicemail (Imagine if you will...)

"Congress has rejected raising the debt ceiling, so if China calls, let it go to voicemail." –Stephen Colbert

"Mitt Romney has announced he's running for president in 2012. At the same time, he's announced he'll try again in 2016." –Stephen Colbert

"From bin Laden's compound we now know Al Qaeda demanded that its agents keep complete records and receipts for all expenses. No doubt using Al Quicken. Also, Al Qaeda gave its agents better benefits than Wal-Mart, although at Wal-Mart you get to use your vests more than once." –Stephen Colbert

"The Republicans blocked the bill to raise the debt ceiling that was so devious it was actually introduced by Republicans. [Actual quote from Republican Congressman] "This vote, based on a bill I introduced, must fail." That reminds me of Patrick Henry's famous cry: "Give me liberty and I don't want liberty." And before the vote Republicans called Wall Street Executives to assure them the vote was just for show." –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the biggest hole in sky not on a Southwest plane (the good things Gaddafi does)

"While covering the war in Libya Geraldo Rivera was shot at by Gaddafi’s forces. See, you never hear about the good things Gaddafi does." –Jay Leno

"Half a million women employees are suing Wal-Mart claiming men are better paid. Wal-Mart hired a bunch of female lawyers to defend them because they thought they could get them cheaper." –Jay Leno

"Fox News is dropping Glenn Beck's show. He spent the whole day crying his eyes out, and then he heard his show was getting dropped." –Craig Ferguson

"Scientists are saying that the Ozone Layer over the Arctic has shrunk a record 40%. Now, To give idea how much that is, it’s the biggest hole in sky not on a Southwest plane." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

it’s the biggest hole in sky not on a Southwest plane (Bush's Benghazis)

"While covering the war in Libya Geraldo Rivera was shot at by Gaddafi’s forces. See, you never hear about the good things Gaddafi does." –Jay Leno

"Half a million women employees are suing Wal-Mart claiming men are better paid. Wal-Mart hired a bunch of female lawyers to defend them because they thought they could get them cheaper." –Jay Leno

"Fox News is dropping Glenn Beck's show. He spent the whole day crying his eyes out, and then he heard his show was getting dropped." –Craig Ferguson

"Scientists are saying that the Ozone Layer over the Arctic has shrunk a record 40%. Now, To give idea how much that is, it’s the biggest hole in sky not on a Southwest plane." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

So now we know where all of Charlie Sheen's cocaine went (Dude, have you seen Greg?)

"The Senate has sent President Obama a spending bill that gives the government enough money to keep going for two weeks. Our Congress has the financial planning skills of a college sophomore." –Conan O'Brien

"Moammar Gadhafi gave a rambling speech that lasted nearly three hours. So now we know where all of Charlie Sheen's cocaine went." –Conan O'Brien

"Oprah has been invited by Egypt's new government to do a show from Cairo. So they've replaced one power-mad tyrant who's been ruling for 30 years with another one." –Conan O'Brien

"A hydroponic marijuana store is being opened in California and is being called 'The Wal-Mart of Weed.' It's like a regular Wal-Mart except the greeter says, "Dude, have you seen Greg?" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

he's looking for a job that will make people hate him less (this whole 'women voting' thing)

"Senate majority leader Harry Reid refused to attend the state dinner for Chinese President because he considers Hu Jintao a dictator. In response Jintao said, 'You're coming. You'll have the fish, and you'll like it.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Republican-controlled House voted to repeal the healthcare bill. If that goes well, they'll see what they can do about this whole 'women voting' thing." –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger says he's considering doing a movie in which he would play a Nazi. He says that after being governor of California, he's looking for a job that will make people hate him less." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama held a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. The world leader with the funny name, who grew up in Asia, said he enjoyed meeting President Hu." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

This is a journalist/This is a corporate shill (Do you have the plague?)

New York officials have announced that a street in Brooklyn will be renamed after late rapper the Notorious B.I.G., and the F train will now be called Ol' Dirty Bastard. --Seth Meyers

Experts reported this week that so much trash has accumulated in Los Angeles, they believe it could lead to a spread of the bubonic plague. Said people in Los Angeles, "We are gonna get so skinny." "Do you have the plague? You have to get the plague." --Seth Meyers

Salad chain Sweetgreen announced yesterday they will give employees five months of paid parental leave. And Walmart announced they'll let employees see their families once a year. "You got five minutes. No touching!" --Seth Meyers

According to a new study, rat sightings in New York City have increased 40% over the last five years. Even worse, a lot of the rats are tourists. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Oh, my God. You look amazing (Free Stuff)

It was announced yesterday that Oprah has donated $2 million to Puerto Rico to help with long-term hurricane relief efforts. "That's from both of us," said Stedman. --Seth Meyers

According to a new report, Earth's glaciers have lost 9 trillion metric tons of ice between 1961 and 2016. Said other glaciers, "Oh, my God. You look amazing." --Seth Meyers

That's right, a dog tested positive for methamphetamine after a walk in a nearby park. When asked what breed it was, the owner said, "A meth lab." --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Now instead of a wall it’s going to be a 5,000 foot long volleyball net (Trump's New Tax Plan)

A lot of people aren’t getting the tax refunds they were expecting. Most people thought the big Trump Tax Cut was going to cut taxes. The reason it was called the Trump Tax Cuts is that it cuts taxes for Trump. The average refund is down by 8% across the board. Many of those who voted for Trump came up with a hashtag GOPTaxScam. Some people are saying their refunds are so tiny, they even fit in Donald Trump’s hand. --Jimmy Kimmel

Congress proposed a budget for the wall and it’s less than a quarter of what Trump wanted. Now instead of a wall it’s going to be a 5,000 foot long volleyball net. --James Corden

The president had a rally in El Paso featuring an exciting new slogan. Finish the wall. Now he wants Finland to pay for the wall? --Jimmy Kimmel

Did you see Donald Trump, Jr. at the rally in El Paso last night? That apple doesn’t fall far from the orange, I guess. --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

Which is great news for everyone whose New Year’s resolution was lawless anarchy (living her best life)

Because we keep learning more and more details of Trump’s close ties to Moscow. For instance, after Trump fired James Comey, the FBI began a counter-intelligence investigation of Trump. Which makes sense. Everything Trump does is counter intelligence. --Stephen Colbert

Meanwhile in role model news, a woman got banned from Wal-Mart after riding a cart while drinking wine from a Pringles can. I’m sorry, that headline is wrong. It should read, “Woman got banned from Wal-Mart for living her best life.” --Stephen Colbert

It’s day 25 of the government shutdown. Which is great news for everyone whose New Year’s resolution was lawless anarchy. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Well, other than the time when Stormy Daniels said, "Was that it?" (How did this not happen in Florida?)

On Fox News this weekend, Judge Jeanine Pirro asked Trump if he'd ever worked for Putin, and he called it "The most insulting thing I've ever been asked." Well, other than the time when Stormy Daniels said, "Was that it?" --Jimmy Fallon

Some more political news -- this weekend, former Obama official Julián Castro announced that he is running for President in 2020. Yep, he even unveiled his campaign slogan. Take a look -- it's "One nation, one destiny," which is a lot better than Trump's 2020 slogan, "One nation, one TSA agent." --Jimmy Fallon

A woman in Texas was banned from Walmart this weekend. The woman spent several hours driving an electric shopping cart around the store's parking lot while drinking wine from a Pringles can. Texas police had a lot of questions, starting with, "How did this not happen in Florida?" --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I'm really starting to miss the old days, when if Trump had a stupid idea, it just went out of business (with notes of...blasted pizza)

President Trump said today that he will never, ever back down from his demand for a border wall. I got to say, I'm really starting to miss the old days, when if Trump had a stupid idea, it just went out of business. --Seth Meyers

A woman was recently banned from a Texas Wal-Mart after driving an electric shopping cart around the parking lot for several hours while drinking wine from a Pringles can. Also, I should add, it was 9 o’clock in the morning. If you ever want to know what my goals for retirement are, that’s pretty much it. I will say, if you have a better idea of how to get those crumbs out of the bottom of the can, I’d like to hear it. It makes sense. I can’t believe I’ve never thought of drinking wine out of a pringles can before. “Oh, this Pinot Grigio is robust. It’s oakey with notes of...blasted pizza.” --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”