the omelet station at Mar-a-Lago (an attack on every American)

“Democrats want Republicans to agree to continue funding the Affordable Care Act, whereas Republicans want to use that money to add crab legs to the omelet station at Mar-a-Lago.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“And Trump is threatening to make ‘irreversible cuts' if there’s a shut down, which — you know what? I was recently the victim of a government shutdown. They are reversible, I will tell you that.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It’s a driiifteerrrrr! (because there’s no omelette bar)

A woman who hasn’t even entered the race yet: Minnesota senator and woman realizing no one touched her dish at the potluck, Amy Klobuchar. Senator Klobuchar is expected to announce she’s running for president on Sunday, but there’s a bit of a hitch, because apparently she’s having trouble finding staffers for her campaign, reportedly because Klobuchar’s mistreatment of staff has scared off candidates. I’m kind of shocked. I mean, I’ve interviewed Amy Klobuchar and she’s so nice. This is like getting a car from Oprah and finding a body in the trunk. Colbert as Oprah, “It’s a driiifteerrrrr!” --Stephen Colbert

As you know, I’m a Catholic, but I don’t get to church much these days because there’s no omelette bar. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

OK, where do I sign the check? (because there’s no omelet bar)

A woman who hasn’t even entered the race yet: Minnesota senator and woman realizing no one touched her dish at the potluck, Amy Klobuchar. Senator Klobuchar is expected to announce she’s running for president on Sunday, but there’s a bit of a hitch, because apparently she’s having trouble finding staffers for her campaign, reportedly because Klobuchar’s mistreatment of staff has scared off candidates. I’m kind of shocked. I mean, I’ve interviewed Amy Klobuchar and she’s so nice. This is like getting a car from Oprah and finding a body in the trunk. Colbert as Oprah, “It’s a driiifteerrrrr!” --Stephen Colbert

“As usual, Donald Trump defended his 25 July phone call with the Ukrainian president, Volodymyr Zelenskiy, in which he promised aid and then said, ‘I’d like you to do us a favor, though,’ as a ‘very good phone call. I know bad phone calls.’ Oh I’m sure you do, Mr President. [Colbert as Trump]: ‘They always start with ‘I swear I’ve never met her before,’ and they end with ‘OK, where do I sign the check?’” —Stephen Colbert

As you know, I’m a Catholic, but I don’t get to church much these days because there’s no omelet bar. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Fun Fact: $400 Billion is 5% of $7 Trillion (Metaphor! Metaphor!)

In Pennsylvania, a 100-year-old woman has broken the world record for the 100-yard dash in her age group. She won with the record-setting time of "Wednesday." –Conan O’Brien

"BP has been fined $25 million for causing an oil spill in Alaska five years ago. Or as BP refers to it, 'our warm up spill.'" –Conan O'Brien

At a Ted Cruz rally, Carly Fiorina fell off the stage and Cruz didn’t help her up. The entire crowd immediately began chanting, “Metaphor! Metaphor!” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don’t get to church much these days because there’s no omelette bar (It’s a driiifteerrrrr!)

A woman who hasn’t even entered the race yet: Minnesota senator and woman realizing no one touched her dish at the potluck, Amy Klobuchar. Senator Klobuchar is expected to announce she’s running for president on Sunday, but there’s a bit of a hitch, because apparently she’s having trouble finding staffers for her campaign, reportedly because Klobuchar’s mistreatment of staff has scared off candidates. I’m kind of shocked. I mean, I’ve interviewed Amy Klobuchar and she’s so nice. This is like getting a car from Oprah and finding a body in the trunk. Colbert as Oprah, “It’s a driiifteerrrrr!” --Stephen Colbert

As you know, I’m a Catholic, but I don’t get to church much these days because there’s no omelette bar. --Stephen Colbert

It has been rumored that Donald Trump is going to nominate his personal physician to manage the Department of Veterans Affairs, despite the fact that his doctor has no experience managing a large bureaucracy. [Colbert as Trump], “Look, I can teach him everything he needs to know about managing veterans affairs: $130,000, and the veteran shuts up, all right.” --Stephen Colbert

This afternoon, Trump got his annual physical, which will be followed by his annual vegetable. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’ll go with their flexible ethics code (It’s a driiifteerrrrr!)

"Since the brutal presidential election, there's been a lot of soul searching going on at Fox News. I am confident that they will eventually find one." –Stephen Colbert

A woman who hasn’t even entered the race yet: Minnesota senator and woman realizing no one touched her dish at the potluck, Amy Klobuchar. Senator Klobuchar is expected to announce she’s running for president on Sunday, but there’s a bit of a hitch, because apparently she’s having trouble finding staffers for her campaign, reportedly because Klobuchar’s mistreatment of staff has scared off candidates. I’m kind of shocked. I mean, I’ve interviewed Amy Klobuchar and she’s so nice. This is like getting a car from Oprah and finding a body in the trunk. Colbert as Oprah, “It’s a driiifteerrrrr!” --Stephen Colbert

"If you want to avoid getting pregnant there is only one surefire way: be a man." –Stephen Colbert

Goldman Sachs announced this week that it will be implementing a new “flexible dress code.” It’ll go with their flexible ethics code. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Beto O’Rourke came out to remind people he still exists (like a reunion of Friends)

“But, yes, last night was big for Joe Biden because he got all the endorsements of his former rivals. Yeah, Buttigieg came out to say Joe was the only one who could unite the party, Klobuchar came out to say Joe was the best choice for moderates, and Beto O’Rourke came out to remind people he still exists.” —Trevor Noah

“Yeah, Biden is surging. Last night, he had a big rally where he brought out Pete Buttigieg, Amy Klobuchar and Beto O’Rourke. It was basically Coachella for CNN.” —Jimmy Fallon

“This is like a reunion of ‘Friends’ if some of the friends were gone longer than others and none of them were friends.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I think at a debate you can call me Richard (Uncle Dick in the deer stand?)

“After a disastrous first debate appearance in Nevada last week, the former New York City mayor and billionaire Mike Bloomberg was praying for an easier debate this time but it doesn’t seem like it worked. Right off the bat, Senator Bernie Sanders said the economy was working well ‘for people like Mr Bloomberg and other billionaires’, while Senator Elizabeth Warren pointed out Bloomberg’s past financial support for Republican campaigns, including the South Carolina senator and Trump stalwart Lindsey Graham. Bloomberg did not help himself when he touted his record for supporting Democratic candidates with a telling slip of the tongue: ‘I bought – I, I got them.’ That’s not a good look. (imitating Bloomberg): ‘There’s a ton of Democratic candidates that I bought, I mean that I own, I mean that I pay, I mean that I bribe – that’s poor people’s words – that I supported, that I supported.’ Bloomberg didn’t do himself any favors with that answer for two reasons. One, money in politics is one of the things that most people are angry about in this country. And secondly, you probably shouldn’t brag about buying people in South Carolina.” —Trevor Noah

“Another senator, Amy Klobuchar, tried to play up her midwestern roots in the gun reform debate; when she reads proposals, she said, she thinks ‘do they hurt my Uncle Dick in the deer stand?’ Uncle Dick in the deer stand? And where’s Aunt Vagina, in the beaver hut? I feel like even Uncle Dick was sitting at home watching that being like, ‘I think at a debate you can call me Richard.’” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

who’s that fellow with zero delegates? (that’s a rookie mistake)

“Since Senator Bernie Sanders handily won the Democratic Nevada caucuses with 46.8% of the vote, pundits across cable news have been freaking out about Bernie’s rise. It’s an ongoing trend – looking back on Sanders’ popular vote wins in Iowa and the New Hampshire primary, the story wasn’t that he was winning, but that if you use pundit math, he was actually losing. Some cable news outlets declared that Amy Klobuchar’s third-place finish in New Hampshire or Pete Buttigieg’s close second in Iowa as the ‘real’ story. That’s right, by winning states, Bernie is actually losing ground. You see, as all expert pundits know, you don’t want to win the first two – that’s a rookie mistake, where you come off as needy or as the kids would say, thirsty. You want to throw everyone off by losing a bunch of states, playing it cool, off to the side until someone finally says ‘who’s that fellow with zero delegates?’” —Seth Meyers

“The reality is most actual voters don’t think like pundits – they don’t divide candidates into a so-called liberal lane and a moderate lane. Voters like each candidate for their own reason, he argued. They like Bernie for his consistency on issues like healthcare, they like Warren for taking on big fights against special interests like Wall Street, they like Biden for his eight years as Obama’s VP, they like Buttigieg for his youthful charm and charisma, they like Klobuchar for her record in the Senate, and they like Bloomberg because he pays people to like him.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Oh, I’m so sorry I didn’t pace myself. I promise I’ll do better in South Carolina! (He’s going for a three-peach)

“And the timing couldn’t be better for Amy Klobuchar, because in many ways, you see, the presidential campaigns are like getting drunk at a party, all right? You want to peak at the right time. See, the other candidates, they had their surge last year, which is too early. That’s like getting wasted at 6 p.m. Yeah, because by the time the party is really going, you are puking in the bushes, like, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry I didn’t pace myself. I promise I’ll do better in South Carolina!’” —Trevor Noah

“One of New Hampshire’s surprise losers was 77-year-old Joe Biden who saw 78-year-old Sanders lead the way which had to feel like getting dumped by a woman and then seeing her on a date with your uncle.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump’s latest misadventures, which include taking revenge on anyone who was involved in his impeachment are something else. Why do I get the feeling we’re gonna have to impeach this guy two more times before the election? He’s going for a three-peach.” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Hey Girl, I Hear You Like Revolutions (I’ve decided not to run the Kentucky Derby this year)

“Senator Michael Bennet of Colorado had less than 1 percent and he’s dropping out. Michael Bennet saying he’s dropped out of the race is like me saying I’ve decided not to run the Kentucky Derby this year.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“This is interesting: Amy Klobuchar's rise in the polls is being called ‘klomentum.’ That’s right. Yeah, and Joe Biden’s campaign is called ‘pretty much klover.’” —Conan O’Brien

“Look, I’m excited to vote for whoever ends up being the nominee, even if they are the future subject of a biopic called ‘The Devil Wears Kohl’s.’” —Samantha Bee

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It's about time the working class won that war (So it’s more like first)

“The New Hampshire primary was last night and according to cable news, here’s what happened: Bernie Sanders won, but not by a lot, so it’s really like third, and Pete Buttigieg was second, but who saw that coming? So it’s more like first. And Amy Klobuchar was third, which is really surprising so it’s also like first, and Joe Biden came in fifth, but was expected to do better, so it’s more like eighth. So I guess the real winner is Andrew Yang, because he dropped out and doesn’t have to deal with this anymore. So, congratulations, Andrew Yang, on winning New Hampshire.” —Seth Meyers

“Bernie Sanders finished first, Pete Buttigieg finished second and Joe Biden is finished.” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

CNN Puffs Up Klobuchar, Their Audience Isn't Buying It

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

she’s eight laps behind and stopped to have lunch (Six guys in sandals? Come on in!)

“There were 12 candidates onstage — an all-time record, which is a little weird. I mean, candidates aren’t supposed to multiply as the debates go on. So, please, America, remember to have your candidate spayed or neutered! We can’t handle any more.” --Trevor Noah

“And what’s especially difficult is that most of these candidates won’t even become president, so they’re abandoning their families for nothing. That’s got to be a hard talk to have with your kids. Just like: ‘Hey, buddy — of course, Daddy wants to see you grow up, but he’s got to spend the next two years interrupting people in diners, you know, and — and kissing other people’s kids.’” --Trevor Noah

“If you ask me, I think the Democratic Party is just too nice. That’s how this happened. Like, the G.O.P. would never do this. They’re literally canceling entire primaries right now to lock out other candidates. Meanwhile, the Democrats are like a nightclub on a Tuesday: everyone gets in. It’s just like, you know, yeah, it’s just like: ‘Six guys in sandals? Come on in!’” --Trevor Noah

“Why are there 12 candidates? In the last debate, there were 10. You can’t subtract candidates and then add some back. Have you ever watched a reality show or sports? You don’t go to the Final Four, then suddenly you’re back to the Elite Eight. It’s not the way it works!” --Jimmy Kimmel

“Amy Klobuchar is still — she’s eight laps behind and stopped to have lunch, she’s still in the race!” --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The comfort of the rich depends upon.. (But wait, where did we put it?)

President Trump said yesterday that 69,000 people had signed up to attend his rally in El Paso, but that only 10,000 people were allowed inside before later claiming that 35,000 people actually attended, while law enforcement said only 6,500 were inside the arena. So, yeah. We do need to see his tax returns. --Seth Meyers

Officials in Colorado have announced that since marijuana was legalized in the state, sales of the drug have brought in over $6 billion. Added officials, "But wait, where did we put it?" --Seth Meyers

Following claims last week that Senator Amy Klobuchar has mistreated her staff, new reports came out yesterday saying that she once threw office supplies during an outburst. This news was first discovered stapled to an aide's forehead. --Seth Meyers

And finally, a bear in California was caught on camera breaking in to a man's home and raiding his refrigerator. But the man is single, so the bear didn't get much. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Actually Trump’s worst nightmare is a Mexican guy forcing him to eat a salad (the winner of the Best Album was Tom Brady)

I was all set to host the Grammys, but at the last moment I was never asked. --Conan O’Brien

Yes, the Grammys were last night. Or as my parents call them, “The Who Are Theys?” --Conan O’Brien

There were a lot of exciting results from the Grammys, don’t ask he how, but the winner of the Best Album was Tom Brady. --Conan O’Brien

Kamala Harris has been accused of being “not black enough” which is the same criticism I have had to endure my entire career. --Conan O’Brien

Amy Klobuchar calls herself Trump’s worst nightmare. Actually Trump’s worst nightmare is a Mexican guy forcing him to eat a salad. --Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

How? Volume! Volume! Volume! (It’s a driiifteerrrrr!)

Whatever his physical condition, Trump’s poll numbers are on life support. That has led to a huge number of democrats to enter the 2020 race --Ten so far. “Hi, we’re the crazy democratic party and we’re going to get Donald Trump out of office. How? Volume! Volume! Volume!” --Stephen Colbert

A woman who hasn’t even entered the race yet: Minnesota senator and woman realizing no one touched her dish at the potluck, Amy Klobuchar. Senator Klobuchar is expected to announce she’s running for president on Sunday, but there’s a bit of a hitch, because apparently she’s having trouble finding staffers for her campaign, reportedly because Klobuchar’s mistreatment of staff has scared off candidates. I’m kind of shocked. I mean, I’ve interviewed Amy Klobuchar and she’s so nice. This is like getting a car from Oprah and finding a body in the trunk. Colbert as Oprah, “It’s a driiifteerrrrr!” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Any more leaks, and we’re going to need WikiDepends (one arm’s length)

Every day, we get another revelation about Clinton from WikiLeaks. Any more, and we’re going to need WikiDepends. –Stephen Colbert

The latest is a list of the vice presidents Hillary Clinton was considering. It includes political superstars like Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar, and Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack. Also in this WikiLeaks-released list are business leaders like Apple CEO Tim Cook and Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz. Apparently, Hillary decided against Schultz because the race already had one pumpkin-spiced candidate. –Stephen Colbert

It’s been 11 days since we heard Donald Trump on the Grope-Town Express, and a lot of people have distanced themselves from Donald Trump — at least one arm’s length. –Stephen Colbert

Last night, Melania explained who she really blames for Donald Trump’s behavior. Yes, it was all Billy Bush’s fault. Now I know why they were on a bus — it’s easier to throw Billy underneath it. –Stephen Colbert