He has a thing for the help (Brazilian wax)

So Kamala Harris went for a drink at a New York City bar taking a slew of bodyguards including Secret Service along with her. Why so many agents? Well there was one to protect Kamala and ten to keep Doug from impregnating the staff. He has a thing for the help. Who doesn’t? —Greg Gutfeld

The suspect accused of plotting to kill fans at Lady Gaga's concert in Rio de Janeiro was an illegal that was just deported from the United States. Upon hearing the news Senator Van Hollen immediately flew there to personally give him a Brazilian wax. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

anyone else have a weird feeling that something terrible is about to happen? (50 or 60 costume changes)

It just came out that Lady Gaga got engaged over the summer! The wedding will be pretty low key — just 50 or 60 costume changes. –Jimmy Fallon

Guys, today is the first day of November, the turkeys were like, anyone else have a weird feeling that something terrible is about to happen? --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So now when students want to ask a question, they raise both hands (Dances to Gaga)

"In Washington a Native American tribe has approved same-sex marriage. The move was led by the tribe's leader, Dances to Gaga." –Conan O'Brien

A new bar in London specializes in something called "breathable booze." As we called that growing up in my house, standing next to uncle Patrick for five minutes. –Conan O’Brien

"A high school in Arkansas is letting teachers carry concealed weapons. So now when students want to ask a question, they raise both hands." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's the same game plan used by his barber (It's Raining Men)

"In Washington a Native American tribe has approved same-sex marriage. The move was led by the tribe's leader, Dances to Gaga." –Conan O'Brien

The big Republican debate is tonight. Everyone is curious what Donald Trump's going to do, right? Political analysts say Trump's game plan is to wing it and see what happens. It's the same game plan used by his barber. --Conan O’Brien

"This week, the U.S. military will formally end its 'don't ask, don't tell' policy. Later this week, the Air Force begins Operation 'It's Raining Men.'" –Conan O'Brien 9/19/2011

"The world's 7 billionth person is expected to be born in India in October. He's also expected to look a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The hard part is getting the cow up on the volcano (The problem with natural immunity)

Starbucks announced yesterday that it will be teaming up with

Lady Gaga to release a line of summer drinks — to wear.

–Seth Meyers

Scientists working on The Syracuse University Lava Project have discovered how to grill a steak using lava. The hard part is getting the cow up on the volcano. —Seth Meyers

Two passengers on a flight to Ibiza over the weekend reportedly had sex while in their seats. And nobody was more upset than the guy in the middle. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I've wanted to represent the great people of Texas since the day I was spawned (To be fair, she did make everyone very aware of alcohol)

Next up is Texas Senator Ted Cruz. His closing statement is, "I've wanted to represent the great people of Texas since the day I was spawned."  --Jimmy Fallon

It just came out that Lady Gaga got engaged over the summer! The wedding will be pretty low key — just 50 or 60 costume changes. –Jimmy Fallon

Uh, guys, listen to this. A school administrator in Louisiana was just arrested after she showed up to school drunk during alcohol awareness week. To be fair, she did make everyone very aware of alcohol. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Don’t go looking for it or anything. Just trust us. (All we hear is...)

Congress proposed a budget for the border wall and it’s less than a quarter of what Trump wanted. Now instead of a wall it’s going to be a 5,000 foot long volleyball net. --James Corden

After saying he would never ditch his glasses, this week Jeb Bush appeared wearing contact lenses. Most people actually do look cooler without glasses, but Jeb looks like a turtle who has lost his shell. Is anyone else worried that Jeb got rid of his glasses the same week he got a gun? --James Corden

Last night President Trump held a rally in El Paso, Texas where he introduced a new slogan. It said, “Finish the Wall.” In Trump’s two years in office, zero miles of wall have been built along a 2,000 mile border. And now he’s saying “Finish the Wall.” Trump’s next banner is just going to say, “The wall is finished, but don’t go looking for it or anything. Just trust us.” --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That makes them the most expensive words to come out of Washington since 'Mission Accomplished.' (All we hear is...)

"Hey, the health care bill was introduced yesterday. It's 1,990 pages long and costs $894 billion dollars. Or $2.2 million per word. That makes them the most expensive words to come out of Washington since 'Mission Accomplished.'" --Jimmy Fallon

This month, the world’s oldest person will turn 117, and she says she eats two raw eggs every day. When asked what she wants for her birthday, she said, “A skillet. I’ve been asking for a pan since 1916.” –Jimmy Fallon

A memo from a veteran spy says that Vladimir Putin has been supporting Donald Trump for five years. After hearing this, Trump said, “Oh my God, I forgot it was our anniversary! What do you get for five years? I hope it’s not CHINA?” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He’s going to be the first royal to ascend the throne in one of those motorized stairlifts (I have No Idea what I'm doing)

September 2022

“Queen Elizabeth II, Britain’s longest-serving monarch, has died at the age of 96. To put it into perspective for Americans, this would be like if Kris Jenner died here. The queen is known as England’s rock, and we don’t have a rock here. The closest thing we have to a rock in America is The Rock.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“When you think of all the people that the Queen has met with over the last 70 years, it’s really remarkable. She’s met everyone from Lady Bird Johnson to Lady Gaga, from Bill Clinton to Will.i.am, she met JFK and JLo, she’s met the Beatles and the Spice Girls, she’s met the Iron Lady and the Iron Throne.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Whatever you think about the royal family or the monarchy, you’ve gotta admit, it’s insane how long Elizabeth sat on the throne. She came to power in 1952. You understand how long that is? That means she’s seen Adam West as Batman, Michael Keaton as Batman, Christian Bale as Batman, Ben Affleck as Batman, survived that and then saw Robert Pattinson as Batman. In other words, she’s been in the game for a minute.” —Trevor Noah

“Elizabeth’s son Charles is now king at 73 years old, and until today, he still had the same title as his own grandchildren. That was weird. The world wasn’t made for an old prince. I can tell you now, there is no one in a Disney movie who’s like ‘someday my prince will come, and he’ll wear orthopedic shoes and eat cottage cheese for meals.’ Charles is so old, he’s going to be the first royal to ascend the throne in one of those motorized stairlifts.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The move was led by the tribe's leader, Dances to Gaga (You know, Siberia’s not so bad)

"In Washington a Native American tribe has approved same-sex marriage. The move was led by the tribe's leader, Dances to Gaga." –Conan O'Brien

A new study claims that first grade students are getting three times more homework than they should be doing. This is coming from the lead researcher, "Timmy." –Conan O’Brien

A Russian spy plane was spotted over New Jersey. Yeah. The Russian pilot was overheard saying, “You know, Siberia’s not so bad.” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Of course, at one point or another we've all found something in our bathroom that looks like Donald Trump (He cray)

A Virginia man recently found an outline of what looks like Donald Trump in one of his bathroom tiles. Of course, at one point or another we've all found something in our bathroom that looks like Donald Trump. –Seth Meyers

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich has published a new book titled “Understanding Trump.” [Shows page with big text “He cray.”] And I have to say it’s a pretty quick read. –Seth Meyers

Starbucks announced yesterday that it will be teaming up with Lady Gaga to release a line of summer drinks — to wear. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Just ask any of his three wives (emotional support peacocks)

John Kasich over the weekend said lots of women have left their kitchens to work on his campaign. Yeah, that will certainly help the upcoming election of 1956. –James Corden

United Airlines prevented a woman from boarding her flight out of Newark, New Jersey, because she tried to board with an emotional-support pet, which was her peacock. They were all set to let both of them on, but then they caught the peacock with over three and a half ounces of shampoo. It got even more awkward when the woman was like, "That's not a peacock, that's my friend Lady Gaga." But this was a devastating blow to the peacock's confidence, it really was. They had to stop on the way home and get the peacock an emotional support peacock. --James Corden

In the last two days President Trump has fired his head of the Department of Homeland Security and the head of the Secret Service. I guess Trump’s newest plan is to build his wall out of his former staff. --James Corden

A family returning from vacation recently showed up to their flight with a company called Tui Airlines, only to find that their assigned seats did not exist. So they had to spend their entire flight sitting on the floor. Spirit Airlines heard about this and were like, “Wait, we don’t have to give our customers seats? We’re allowed to do this?” The family’s seat assignments were for seats that didn’t exist or as the airline is now calling it, Economy Minus. --James Corden

Trump's explanation for keeping Lewandowski on staff is that he's a loyal person. And Trump IS a loyal person. Just ask any of his three wives. –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

because they’re hard for a fat guy to put on in a car (Lady Gaga meat dress)

February 2012

“Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, and Rick Santorum spent their week lecturing America about the morality of birth control. You know, you guys don’t need birth control, you are birth control.” –Bill Maher

“Santorum and Romney, they don’t like condoms because sex should all be about making babies. And Newt Gingrich doesn’t like them because they’re hard for a fat guy to put on in a car.” –Bill Maher

“One time Lady Gaga showed up at the Grammys wearing a dress made of meat. One time she showed up in a giant egg. One time she showed up strapped to the top of Mitt Romney's car.” –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

a super Congress consists of six congressmen from each party, plus Wolverine (Dances to Gaga)

August 2011

"The debt deal calls for the formation of a 'super Congress' to take on tougher decisions down the road. In case you're wondering, a super Congress consists of six congressmen from each party, plus Wolverine." –Conan O'Brien

"The world's 7 billionth person is expected to be born in India in October. He's also expected to look a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Conan O'Brien

"In Washington a Native American tribe has approved same-sex marriage. The move was led by the tribe's leader, Dances to Gaga." –Conan O'Brien

"Cher tweeted that Michele Bachmann needs to go back to school and take a history class. Michele Bachmann said, 'Because of that comment I'm going to make my husband take down his Cher posters.'" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Lady Gaga - A-YO

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

And by loved ones, I mean... (the truth about Lady Gaga)

"I'm sure everyone is already missing their loved ones. And by loved ones, I mean the TSA guys that give you the pat-down." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama needed 12 stitches after taking an elbow to the mouth during a basketball game, but he learned a valuable lesson: Don't get in the way of Hillary's tomahawk jab." –Craig Ferguson 

"WikiLeaks is a website that gets a hold of classified information and releases it to the public. They get all kinds of top secret stuff: White House memos, government e-mails, the truth about Lady Gaga.” –Craig Ferguson

"The name 'WikiLeaks' doesn't sound like espionage. It sounds like Barbara Walters interviewing Ricky Martin." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

When everything the American public believes is false (Nancy Pelosi's meat pantsuit)

"Donald Trump is running for president. He's not the kind of guy that would stage something like this for publicity. I know it's official because today, Trump threw his hair into the ring." –David Letterman

"Lady Gaga was ahead of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Forbes' list of the most powerful women in the world. I'm not saying Pelosi's jealous, but today she showed up to work wearing a meat pantsuit." –Jimmy Fallon

"At a rally in Wisconsin, Joe Biden told the crowd they were the dullest audience he'd ever seen. You don't do that. Just give them some candy." –Craig Ferguson

"They gave out the Nobel Prize for Literature, which is very exciting. It guarantees monster sales. Sorry, I'm thinking about Oprah, the Nobel Prize doesn't mean anything." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

while I'm pretty sure Lady Gaga took home Bradley Cooper (a number 3 and a number 5)

Rami Malek took home the Oscar for Best Actor last night for his portrayal of Freddie Mercury in "Bohemian Rhapsody," while I'm pretty sure Lady Gaga took home Bradley Cooper. --Seth Meyers

A new report has placed the U.S. as the 35th healthiest country in the world. Americans celebrated by ordering a number 3 and a number 5. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

The secret to living well and longer is: (and 100% of Ladies Gaga)

"Everybody is talking about Bob Woodward's new book, 'Obama's War.' In the book, he says Joe Biden called Middle East advisor Richard Holbrooke, 'the most egotistical bastard I've ever met.' Then Rahm Emanuel's like, 'What am I, invisible?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell is supported by 82% of Democrats, 64% of Republicans and 100% of Ladies Gaga." –Jon Stewart

"As you know, Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell has come out against masturbation. Well, she is already paying a heavy price for taking this stance. In fact, today, the powerful hand lotion lobby has endorsed her opponent." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

You’d have better luck with a show of hands at a Lady Gaga concert (the President was able to turn 49 today right on schedule)

from August 2010

"A federal judge overturned Proposition 8, which banned gay marriage in California, which came as great news for both gays and wedding planners. Although that might be redundant." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Opponents of gay marriage will now appeal to the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco - good luck there. You’d have better luck with a show of hands at a Lady Gaga concert." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Happy birthday to President Obama. Republicans tried to block his birthday but they didn't have enough votes, so it went through and the President was able to turn 49 today right on schedule." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”