unless he got the marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true (But don’t tell him! It’s a surprise!)

Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said this week that marriage counseling is the biggest mistake he's ever made. Though unless he got the marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true. --Seth Meyers

Discovery Channel is promoting its upcoming Shark Week by promising to have Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps race a great white shark. But don’t tell him! It’s a surprise! –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What? I'm looking at the baby. (if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years)

"Breastfeeding activists plan to descend on Washington for a public breastfeeding demonstration. Also descending on Washington, thousands of men saying, "What? I'm looking at the baby." –Conan O'Brien

"Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years (I hope your day is as nice as your butt)

"Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose, a big story. But really, think about it, if you train day and night for four years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way, haven't you already lost?" –Conan O'Brien

"Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he's been asked to join the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass! (Jedi Mime Trick)

"Well China, you got us. Michael Phelps was doping -- and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass!" –Stephen Colbert

A lot of people are talking about Donald Trump and Russia now. And not just because of how much he resembles Russian dressing. –Stephen Colbert

"Like Sarah Palin, Rafalca's female, also doesn't read newspapers, and has completed the same number of terms as governor." –Stephen Colbert, on Ann Romney's horse that competed in the Olympic Dressage event

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

But don’t tell him! It’s a surprise! (What’s that smell?)

A bill has been introduced that would reduce the speed limit in New York City to 25 miles per hour, while cab drivers are just being asked to keep all four wheels on the ground.--Seth Meyers

Discovery Channel is promoting its upcoming Shark Week by promising to have Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps race a great white shark. But don’t tell him! It’s a surprise! –Seth Meyers

According to a new poll, 58 percent of New Jersey residents support legalizing marijuana. I think they just want to finally have a good answer to the question, “What’s that smell?” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Well, technically, its full name is Marvin, Duke of the Running Wheel (How was my time?)

Michael Phelps and his fiancée just welcomed their first child. Immediately after the baby was born, he looked up and said, “How was my time?” –Jimmy Fallon

But Teacher Appreciation Day is very special. It's the one day each year when we tell our teachers that there's no one we're prouder of, and our teachers are like, "There's no one OF WHOM you're prouder." --Jimmy Fallon

Kate Middleton revealed yesterday that her children have a pet hamster named Marvin. Well, technically, its full name is Marvin, Duke of the Running Wheel. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They told him to clear out his desk, put on some pants and leave (ANOTHER Phelps swimmer just won a race)

I want to say congrats to Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps and his fiancée, Nicole Johnson, who just announced that they're expecting a baby boy. So it looks like yet ANOTHER Phelps swimmer just won a race. –Jimmy Fallon

"Dick Cheney attended the opening ceremony of President Bush’s library. It's fitting for Cheney to be at the library. He spent eight years telling Bush to be quiet." –Jimmy Fallon

CBS just fired Charlie Rose after allegations of sexual harassment. Yep. They told him to clear out his desk, put on some pants and leave. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years (Great, that should pretty much make up for everything)

"Olympic officials said Saudi Arabia's first female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a headscarf. A Saudi woman said she's thrilled about the ruling. All she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics." –Conan O'Brien

"Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years." –Conan O'Brien

"Interesting announcement just came out. Next month, a 95-year-old Crow Indian chief will receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom. When asked about it, the chief said, 'Great, that should pretty much make up for everything.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it's nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets (in a way, haven't you already lost?)

"Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose, a big story. But really, think about it, if you train day and night for four years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way, haven't you already lost?" –Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. team has swept all the medals in the skeet shooting event. So despite our bad economy, it's nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he's been asked to join the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently it was beat by a smooth-talking socialist horse from Kenya (his crusade against the laughter of children)

August 2012

"Tough Olympic news for the Romneys. Ann Romney's horse Rafalka did not advance to the Olympic finals. Apparently it was beat by a smooth-talking socialist horse from Kenya." –Conan O'Brien

"Big story at the Olympics regarding Michael Phelps. He stepped out with his girlfriend for the first time. She is a 25-year-old model from Los Angeles. Like every other model in L.A., She's dating an older retired guy. What's going on?" –Conan O'Brien

"It's now come out just before his record-breaking 100-meter dash, gold medalist Usain Bolt ate at McDonald's. Apparently he timed his meal so when the race started he would have exactly 9.63 seconds to get to a toilet." –Conan O'Brien

"Olympic officials have disqualified a champion race walker after determining that he was doping. They disqualified him. The man said getting caught doping is almost as embarrassing as getting caught being a champion race walker." –Conan O'Brien

"Mayor Michael Bloomberg is saying now that he has banned large sodas in New York City, his next target is going to be alcohol. Once that's out of the way he'll start his crusade against the laughter of children." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it's nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets (in a way, haven't you already lost?)

August 2012

"Yesterday Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he's been asked to join the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Did you hear this big scandal? Eight female badminton players were expelled from the Olympics for trying to lose on purpose. So tragically, they'll never have another chance to play badminton unless they get invited to a picnic." –Conan O'Brien

"Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose, a big story. But really, think about it, if you train day and night for four years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way, haven't you already lost?" –Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. team has swept all the medals in the skeet shooting event. So despite our bad economy, it's nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your a**! (Skankjuary)

August 2012

"Here's a rule of thumb. If you have to follow your claim with the words 'I don’t know if that’s true,' then shut up. Otherwise you might as well put a dead cocker spaniel on your head and start yelling about birth certificates." –Jon Stewart blasts Harry Reid for speculating Mitt Romney didn't pay taxes for 10 years

"Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt." –Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report

"Well China, you got us. Michael Phelps was doping -- and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass!" –Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report

"That's right, free government birth control for all the ladies. So, don't forget to reset your watches and check your calendars because it's now whore o'clock on the first day of Skankjuary." –Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years (200 Europeans or eight Americans)

July 2012

"So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can't wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them." –Conan O'Brien

"Olympic organizers are reportedly struggling to fill rows and rows of empty seats. Empty seats! In fact, yesterday officials put out a casting call asking for 200 Europeans or eight Americans." –Conan O'Brien

"Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And just for old time’s sake, he denied it (Reagan's jellybean jar)

Discovery Channel’s Shark Week made a huge deal about a race between Michael Phelps and a great white shark and they were talking it up all week. Well, people on Twitter were very disappointed that they used CGI and Phelps wasn’t actually racing alongside a great white shark. What do people expect? You can’t get a shark to have a race on command. It’s a shark. –James Corden

Well, it’s the end of an era. White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer resigned from his post on Friday. And just for old time’s sake, he denied it. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535 #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

“Hey, that’s our slogan!” said United Airlines (the longest day of the year)

Following two special election losses for the Democratic Party yesterday, one Democratic congressman said, quote, “Our brand is worse than Trump.” “Hey, that’s our slogan!” said United Airlines. –Seth Meyers

Today was the longest day of the year ... says Sean Spicer every day. –Seth Meyers

Discovery Channel is promoting its upcoming Shark Week by promising to have Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps race a great white shark. But don’t tell him! It’s a surprise! –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535

And you can trust me, I’m Donald Trump’s lawyer (shark spelling bee)

Yesterday, President Trump’s lawyer insisted that Trump is not under investigation. He added, “And you can trust me, I’m Donald Trump’s lawyer.” –Conan O’Brien

The Discovery Channel announced that Michael Phelps will compete against a shark in a swimming race. Meanwhile, Ryan Lochte will compete against a shark in a spelling bee. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535

How was my time?

Michael Phelps and his fiancée just welcomed their first child. Immediately after the baby was born, he looked up and said, “How was my time?” –Jimmy Fallon

On “Meet the Press” yesterday, Trump said he would like to see the minimum wage increased, saying, “I don't know how people make it on $7.25 an hour.” Then his butlers said, “Just barely.” –Jimmy Fallon

It's being reported that the Kardashians were frustrated when they were in Cuba because most Cubans have not seen their show, so they don't know why they're famous. As opposed to most Americans who have seen their show, and still don't know why they're famous. –Jimmy Fallon

ANOTHER Phelps swimmer just won a race

In his recent interview with GQ, President Obama said that he'd like to own an NBA team after he leaves the White House. You'll know it's Obama's team when it takes the players five years to pass something. –Jimmy Fallon

In a new interview, Tom Brady said he'll never get into politics because, "Half the people are going to like you and half the people are not going to like you." Or, as that's also known, SPORTS. –Jimmy Fallon

I want to say congrats to Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps and his fiancée, Nicole Johnson, who just announced that they're expecting a baby boy. So it looks like yet ANOTHER Phelps swimmer just won a race. –Jimmy Fallon

1000 Places To Offend People Before You Die

"All in all a successful trip. Best of all, Romney has checked three countries off the list of '1000 Places To Offend People Before You Die.'" –Stephen Colbert



"Like Palin, Rafalca's female, also doesn't read newspapers, and has completed the same number of terms as governor." –Stephen Colbert, on Ann Romney's horse that competed in the Olympic Dressage event



"Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years." –Conan O'Brien 

John Hulse painting