Well, 92 if you count George Bush (then no one is king)

"They spotted Mitt Romney at Costco. One day you're running for president of the United States. The next day you're shopping at Costco for giant jugs of mayonnaise. While you're at Costco, go ahead and return that Oval rug you ordered." –David Letterman

"President Obama has agreed to extend the Bush-era tax cuts. Because if there's anything we need, it's an extension of the Bush era." –David Letterman

"They had a big state dinner and all of a sudden there's a lovely young couple there. Nobody has any idea who they are. It's the Salahis. Nobody knows who they are, they weren't invited, nobody wants them there. Since 1980, there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George Bush." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

You mean I learned where Guam was for nothing? (I’ve got bad news and worse news...)

There’s some nasty weather moving up the East Coast right now, known as Tropical Storm Gert. When they heard, people named Gert were like, “Oh, come on, my life’s bad enough as it is!” –Jimmy Fallon

Costco has to pay Tiffany’s $19 million for selling 2,500 fake Tiffany rings. Husbands don’t know what’s worse, having to tell their wife her ring ISN’T from Tiffany, or that it IS from Costco. “I’ve got bad news and worse news...” –Jimmy Fallon

Kim Jong Un says he's decided not to fire missiles at Guam. Then Trump said, “You mean I learned where Guam was for nothing?” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

While you're at Costco, go ahead and return that Oval rug you ordered (Is your spouse a governor?)

"Mitt Romney of course lost the election. Think about it this way. One day you're the Republican candidate running for president of the United States, and the next day you're sitting in Applebee's blowing on your soup."  –David Letterman

"And now and not a minute too soon, there's a quiz that you can take to tell if your spouse is cheating. Question number one: Is your spouse a governor?" --David Letterman

 

"They spotted Mitt Romney at Costco. One day you're running for president of the United States. The next day you're shopping at Costco for giant jugs of mayonnaise. While you're at Costco, go ahead and return that Oval rug you ordered." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'll be there in five teachers (George Foreman Grill on Wheels)

"Election in Iraq was three weeks ago. Believe it or not, officials say it's going to be another two weeks before they announce who won. Odd part is that the winner will be announced by Ryan Seacrest." --Conan O'Brien

Target has stopped selling hoverboards after reports that they catch fire. Meanwhile at Costco, they’re selling them as the "George Foreman Grill on Wheels." –Conan O’Brien

"A new website just came out that’s designed to calculate how long it takes Mitt Romney to earn your salary. So from now on, whenever Mitt Romney is running late, he can call there and say, 'I'll be there in five teachers.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The relationship has gotten so bad, Fox & Friends now say they're just Fox & Acquaintances (we might have to start calling him Jeb)

November 2022

“Donald Trump was back by unpopular demand, though if he beat Joe Biden in 2020 as he constantly said he did, he shouldn’t even be allowed to run. He’s termed out now. Trump’s main motivation for a second term in office is protection from several criminal and civil investigations. He’s basically a bank robber on the run from the cops, and the White House is the dumpster behind an Arby’s he’s trying to hide in.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump was advised to speak for only 45 minutes, but he went on for over an hour. In fact, Trump rambled on for so long that even Fox News cut away from the speech. The relationship has gotten so bad, Fox & Friends now say they're just Fox & Acquaintances.” —Jimmy Fallon

“In response to Costco's $1.50 hot-dog-and-drink combo, Sam's Club is now offering the same meal for $1.38. Meanwhile, 7-Eleven is like, ‘If you're brave enough to eat our hot dogs, we'll pay you $1.50.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Trump’s Mar-a-Lago announcement was a weird, rambling speech with so many false statements, it makes you wonder where he’s even getting them, such as bragging that he had ‘gone decades’ without starting a war. Even Donald Trump thinks his four years in office felt like decades. He was so low-energy, we might have to start calling him Jeb.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So it sounds like there’s some wiggle room there (I’ve got bad news and worse news...)

Former Mexican President Vicente Fox was on CNN this morning, and he seemed to express his feelings once again about Donald Trump’s border wall pretty clearly: [clip of Fox] “Well, you can use my words, we’ll never play for that [bleeping] wall.” Trump was like, “So it sounds like there’s some wiggle room there.” –Jimmy Fallon

Costco has to pay Tiffany’s $19 million for selling 2,500 fake Tiffany rings. Husbands don’t know what’s worse, having to tell their wife her ring ISN’T from Tiffany, or that it IS from Costco. “I’ve got bad news and worse news...” –Jimmy Fallon

The dating site OkCupid is banning white supremacists. So, white supremacists will have to look for love where they usually do — family reunions. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Joe Lieberman Insurance Company Preservation Act (Not funny, Moses!!)

"Hey, this is interesting. After somebody threw a tomato at Sarah Palin

during a book signing at the Mall of America, she went to another signing

at a Costco in Utah, where they took all the tomatoes off the shelves. So

instead she got hit by a three pound bag of frozen spinach ravioli."

–Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin was photographed in Hawaii this week wearing a 'McCain for President' visor, but she had blacked out the letters of her former running mate's name. She was going to black out all of it, but halfway through, she quit." -Seth Meyers

"And the Golden Globe nominations came out yesterday. President Obama picked up a nomination for best Democrat acting like a Republican. So, congratulations." –Jay Leno

"In Washington, it looks like the Senate is almost done with the healthcare bill. Otherwise known as the Joe Lieberman Insurance Company Preservation Act." –Jay Leno

"Governor Schwarzenegger is in a bit of a feud with former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin right now. They're fighting about global warming. Palin says it isn't proven. Schwarzenegger said she's 'living in the Stone Age.' And Palin really should know not to mess with Arnold Schwarzenegger. This guy has been systematically terminating women named Sarah for many years now." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry  

 

By the way, if China calls, I'm not here. (the best 'that's what she said' joke ever)

January 2013

"President Obama's inaugural parade will feature eight floats, including a Hawaii float to honor his birthplace, an Illinois float to honor the first lady’s home state, and a Kenyan float just to mess with Republicans." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama told Congress it must raise our debt limit because the U.S. 'is not a deadbeat nation." Then the president added, 'By the way, if China calls, I'm not here.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas spoke during a court session for the first time in seven years. He never speaks and he finally spoke. It's already being called the best 'that's what she said' joke ever." –Conan O'Brien

"Wal-Mart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Wal-Mart is going to invade Costco." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When plunder becomes a way of life (go ahead and return that Oval rug you ordered)

December 2012

"Mitt Romney of course lost the election. Think about it this way. One day you're the Republican candidate running for president of the United States, and the next day you're sitting in Applebee's blowing on your soup."  –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney has a new job. He's going back to work. He got a job at a Marriott. When you're at the front desk arguing over your mini bar bill, Mitt will be the guy that comes from out back and says, 'I understand there's some trouble?'" –David Letterman

"Earlier today Mitt Romney was spotted on a Costco shopping spree. Romney ended up buying 14 Costcos." –Jimmy Fallon

"They spotted Mitt Romney at Costco. One day you're running for president of the United States. The next day you're shopping at Costco for giant jugs of mayonnaise. While you're at Costco, go ahead and return that Oval rug you ordered." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney got a job at a Marriott hotel. President Obama's trying to stop us from going over the fiscal cliff. Mitt Romney is trying to stop people from stealing towels." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

and the next day you're sitting in Applebee's blowing on your soup (go ahead and return that Oval rug you ordered)

December 2012

"Mitt Romney of course lost the election. Think about it this way. One day you're the Republican candidate running for president of the United States, and the next day you're sitting in Applebee's blowing on your soup."  –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney has a new job. He's going back to work. He got a job at a Marriott. When you're at the front desk arguing over your mini bar bill, Mitt will be the guy that comes from out back and says, 'I understand there's some trouble?'" –David Letterman

"They spotted Mitt Romney at Costco. One day you're running for president of the United States. The next day you're shopping at Costco for giant jugs of mayonnaise. While you're at Costco, go ahead and return that Oval rug you ordered." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney got a job at a Marriott hotel. President Obama's trying to stop us from going over the fiscal cliff. Mitt Romney is trying to stop people from stealing towels." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Are you better off than you were four wives ago? (the Costco of crazy)

"Lenscrafters is upset with Tea Partier Michele Bachmann because she called Planned Parenthood 'the Lenscrafters of abortion.' Lenscrafters released a statement today calling her 'the Costco of crazy.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump is going to make an announcement about running for President on the season finale of 'Celebrity Apprentice.' Not to be outdone, the same night the Cake Boss will reveal his plan for overhauling Medicare." –Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump is a little tone-deaf to the average American. He unveiled his slogan this week 'Are you better off than you were four wives ago?''" –Bill Maher

"Michele Bachmann said Planned Parenthood is the Lenscrafters of Big Abortion.' Which is a realy double-whammy because the conservatives hate Planned Parenthood and they hate Lenscrafters, because Lenscrafters makes glasses, and that could lead to reading." –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

these are two men who are very much in love and they're not ashamed of it (It was like walking out of North Korea and into a Costco)

“I actually think a woman has a better chance against Trump, especially in a debate. Women are much better at handling babies than men. It’s just a biological fact.” --Jimmy Kimmel

“I don’t know who won the debate, but watching candidates discuss the issues intelligently, using real facts, I’d forgotten what it was like. It was like walking out of North Korea and into a Costco.” --Jimmy Kimmel

“They hit the candidates with all the tough questions, like, ‘If elected, how do we know you won’t lie about everything all the time and draw on weather maps with a Sharpie?’” --Jimmy Kimmel

“John Edwards and Rudy Giuliani both today announced they're pulling out of the race for president so they can spend more time with each other. That's really nice. Democrat, Republican, it doesn't matter. It matters that these are two men who are very much in love and they're not ashamed of it.” --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

And if things escalate, I'm willing to put boobs on the ground (You're gonna need this. Trust me)

Meanwhile, here's a big story from the White House. Today, we found out the replacement for Sarah Huckabee Sanders will be a woman named Stephanie Grisham. There was a lovely ceremony today when Sarah handed Stephanie the keys to the liquor cabinet. She was like, "Here, you're gonna -- You're gonna need this. Trust me. --Jimmy Fallon

Finally, you guys, get this -- I saw that Costco is now selling a giant two-pound doughnut. There's actually a name for that. It is called a cake. --Jimmy Fallon

Everybody's still on edge about the U.S. and Iran. I guess after Iran shot down our drone, Trump ordered a strike on them. But then he called it off, and listen to how he described it. President Trump says the United States was, quote, "cocked and loaded." Cocked and loaded? Of course, the correct phrase is "locked and loaded." Then Trump was like, "And if things escalate, I'm willing to put boobs on the ground." --Jimmy Fallon

During an interview Chuck Todd asked Trump what he'd change if he could have one do-over. Trump said he would not have appointed Jeff Sessions to be Attorney General. Then both Eric and Don Jr. were, like "Whew! Wow, that was close! Oh, man!" --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

House Democrats have been spotted at Costco buying subpoenas in bulk (you can only slide so long on charm)

I read in the paper today they said human beings were probably responsible for the fires there goes my theory that it was freebasing raccoons. --Bill Maher

It seems Trump’s response to every tragedy is, “How can I hurt.” --Bill Maher

Trump only once came to California to look at wall swatches. He he went down to the border to see the wall he still hasn't built. You know Trump fans and others if you're keeping score: no wall, no health care plan that was “better, cheaper covered everybody.”  The trade deficit bigger. The tax cut did not pay for itself. The debt of course, is exploding. North Korea is building bombs again. You know, Mr. President, you can only slide so long on charm. --Bill Maher

I mean House Democrats have been spotted at Costco buying subpoenas in bulk. --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

instead she got hit by a three pound bag of frozen spinach ravioli (None of this is Normal)

"Hey, this is interesting. After somebody threw a tomato at Sarah Palin during a book signing at the Mall of America, she went to another signing at a Costco in Utah, where they took all the tomatoes off the shelves. So instead she got hit by a three pound bag of frozen spinach ravioli." –Jimmy Kimmel

"They found 22 million missing White House e-mails. You hear President Bush's excuse? He said he never bothered to ever send any of them because he couldn't find a stamp." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin was photographed in Hawaii this week wearing a 'McCain for President' visor, but she had blacked out the letters of her former running mate's name. She was going to black out all of it, but halfway through, she quit." -Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

One of the wettest we've ever seen from the standpoint of water (Kentucky remains the 5th poorest state)

Hurricane Florence has stopped dumping rain but rivers are rising, power's out in a lot of places, floods are threatening residents in the Carolinas. The president, though, is on top of the situation. Fear not, he went to Costco. He bought a 24-pack of those big paper towels and he flew straight to the scene. --Jimmy Kimmel

Before he did that, he tweeted this message of thanks to all those working to lessen the impact of this monster of a storm. "I just want to thank all of the incredible men and women who have done such a great job in helping with Florence. This is a tough hurricane. One of the wettest we've ever seen from the standpoint of water." That's right — even his water is "the wettest." --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

In Your Guts You Know He's Nuts (major chaos)

I saw that “Survivor” is coming back for a 37th season. I think they're starting to run out of locations. They just announced that next season is being held at a Costco on a Saturday. --Jimmy Fallon

Evan Rachel Wood is on the show tonight. She is the star of "Westworld," the show about robots that look identical to humans, and cause major chaos. Or as it's also known, Facebook. --Jimmy Fallon

A group of scientists in Singapore built a robot that can put together Ikea furniture. That's when you know something's wrong, when it's easier to build a robot than an Ikea dresser. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

In the nightclub's defense, the horse's ID looked real (My thoughts to your thoughts)

On Friday, Marvel announced that there will be a Black Panther sequel. Marvel's CEO said, "It was a difficult decision but ultimately we decided to make another billion dollars." --Conan O’Brien

Costco is selling a Doomsday food kit that can feed a typical family for a year. Walmart sells the same kit, but it only feeds a typical Walmart family for six days. --Conan O’Brien

A nightclub in Miami has lost its business license after a woman brought a horse onto the dance floor. In the nightclub's defense, the horse's ID looked real. --Conan O’Brien

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

the groom came home with 12 brides (I'll just stick with Little Nemo)

The other day in Australia, a wedding took place inside a Costco. Because it was Costco, the groom came home with 12 brides. –Conan O’Brien

San Diego has started building a border wall. Not to keep out immigrants, but to keep the LA Chargers from coming back. –Conan O’Brien

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Reach out your arm (Startingggggg NOW!)

And in an interview today, Sean Spicer said that he has never “knowingly” lied to the American people. Then Spicer said, “Startingggggg NOW!” –Jimmy Fallon

Check this out, guys. Target is letting customers download an indoor map to help them find their way around the store. While if you get lost at Costco, they just tell you to forget your old life and move in. –Jimmy Fallon

I also read that Taco Bell will start serving alcohol at some locations. So the next time you think that YOU’RE having a bad day, imagine the guy who gets cut off by the cashier at Taco Bell. –Jimmy Fallon

    

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #FeeltheBern #repealreplacerepublicans