Somehow this is going to end with a Statue of Liberty in a bikini, I just -- I just know it (The Real Housewives of Mesopotamia)

March 2023

“Meanwhile, today, I don't know if you saw this. Donald Trump released a campaign video calling for a national contest to create futuristic ‘freedom cities.’ Somehow this is going to end with a Statue of Liberty in a bikini, I just -- I just know it.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Trump has a lot of big ideas. He also proposed adding a second St. Louis arch and painting them gold.” —Jimmy Fallon

“President Biden hosted German Chancellor Olaf Scholz. Yeah, Biden met with Olaf. It went better than when Trump met with him and said, ‘I was expecting a snowman.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Finally, researchers just discovered that winemaking began 11,000 years ago. Yep. To find out more, tune into the new Bravo show, The Real Housewives of Mesopotamia.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We make absolutely no promise or guarantee that what we have is meats (Tickle-Me-Truman)

December 2022

“That’s right, you read that right. The ex-president of the United States, the ex-most powerful man in the world, has launched a line of trading cards. It’s Gropémon with Pikacoup. This is the least dignified attempt at post-presidential merchandising since the launch of Tickle-Me-Truman.” —Stephen Colbert

“He’s a business genius, jumping in on the NFT market when it’s at his hottest. Next, he’s releasing an exclusive line of rotary phones.” —Stephen Colbert

“The Trump cards allow you to collect all your favorite characters from the extended former president universe, because every card is him. There’s – and these are all real – him playing golf, him approving of gold, him wearing a hat that says Dow just like they do on Wall Street, and him stealing the torch from the Statue of Liberty.” —Stephen Colbert

“The fine print for the digital cards includes the line ‘you understand and agree that the NFTs have no inherent monetary value’. Solid. Reminds me of the Arby’s slogan: We make absolutely no promise or guarantee that what we have is meats.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's that guy you went to high school with who desperately wanted to be prom king but didn’t have any charisma (Dummy Mini-Mes)

September 2022

“One of the worst things about Donald Trump are all his dummy mini-me’s. All these elastic pants governors who are pulling their own little stunts to excite the stupid, such as DeSantis sending two planes of migrant families to Martha’s Vineyard. This is a thing they’re doing now. Guys like Ron DeSantis and Greg Abbott from Texas are using taxpayer money to ship these poor people looking for a better life to places around the United States and then they laugh about it. They think it’s funny.

Abbott sent a bus full of immigrants to Kamala Harris’s house in Washington, while DeSantis tried to get a rise out of residents in Massachusetts. Which is interesting, because you know what the people of Martha’s Vineyard did when a plane full of people showed up? They fed them, they gave them clothes, they bought them pizza, they took them in.

I guess Ron DeSantis doesn’t know about the Statue of Liberty. Ron DeSantis is that guy you went to high school with who desperately wanted to be prom king but didn’t have any charisma, so instead he pulled the fire alarm and ruined the dance for everybody.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What do you take from the man who has nothing? (a part-time job as an extra on The Walking Dead)

October 2013

"They said today that the government shutdown will not interfere with NASA's next mission to Mars. Isn't that ironic? We can go to Mars but we can't go to the Statue of Liberty." –Jay Leno

"Americans adults scored below the national average on math, reading and problem-solving skills. Do we need a test to know that we're not good at problem-solving. Can't we look at these morons in Washington and the shutdown and figure that out?" –Jay Leno

"What the difference between the government and Motel 6? Motel 6 can afford to keep the lights on." –Jay Leno

"This shutdown is so bad, Harry Reid was forced to take a part-time job as an extra on The Walking Dead." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Let’s just get — should we just get one of everything? (Pay congress minimum wage)

February 2021

“Former President Donald Trump’s financial records were turned over to the Manhattan district attorney this week as part of a tax and bank-fraud investigation. That’s right, the Manhattan district attorney’s office confirmed that it’s in possession of Trump’s tax records, as evidenced by the white smoke coming from the Statue of Liberty’s torch.” —Seth Meyers

“The Manhattan district attorney’s office today confirmed it is now in possession of former President Trump’s tax records and, yes, both of them.” —Seth Meyers

“And look, I’m no prosecutor, but it can’t be that hard to find a crime in the tax records of a guy who claims to be a billionaire, yet paid only $750 in federal income taxes when he was president.” —Seth Meyers

“And yes, there are plenty of technically legal ways that the wealthy and corporations avoid taxes, which is a scandal in itself, but something tells me Trump doesn’t just limit himself to the legal stuff. I’m guessing he commits crimes the way the rest of us order apps for the tables: ‘Let’s just get — should we just get one of everything?’” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Oh, this guy’s got an amp … well, that could come in really handy (developing a weed habit in quarantine)

“There is a BuzzFeed News report that New York state, on the direct recommendation of the White House coronavirus task force, paid $69.1 Million to a mobile-phone engineer in California who simply tweeted at Trump that he could supply ventilators. That’s three times the retail price of high-end ventilators to someone without medical device experience; not a single ventilator has been delivered on the contract. This is insane. I mean, we’re talking about a guy who’s the most powerful person on Earth – there’s literally a law that allows him to compel companies to make ventilators – and he’s combing through his Twitter replies like he’s putting a band together – ‘Oh, this guy’s got an amp … well, that could come in really handy.’” —Seth Meyers

“Trump claims that no one could have seen a pandemic coming, or that the White House has handled coronavirus well. Trump had the chance to act early, to prevent both the public health crisis and the economic one, and instead he chose to ignore and downplay the threat. And part of that failure is Trump’s ‘spectral son-in-law’ Jared Kushner, who on Wednesday told Fox and Friends that the government’s response to the virus was a ‘great success story.’ A great success story? You’re not even a great success story. You’re only in the White House because Ivanka lost Tom Brady’s phone number in one of her sweatshop handbags. You shouldn’t be anywhere near the White House; you should be confessing to Christopher Meloni at the end of an episode of Law & Order. Seriously, we have one million cases, 60,000 deaths and 30 million out of work. If this is a success, what would failure look like? The Statue of Liberty getting laid off and developing a weed habit in quarantine?” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I just wish Dick Cheney were alive to see this (Biden, wake up!)

"The Statue of Liberty's crown may reopen. It's been really odd. Most of her body has been closed to the public. No, wait. That's Condoleezza Rice." --David Letterman

"It's tax time and President Bush is saving a lot on taxes this year. He's writing off his entire second term." --David Letterman

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overhead While Watching Raid On Bin Laden" 

10. 'We have got to get together for covert special ops raids more often' 

9. 'Are we shooting this in the studio where we faked the moon landing?' 

8. 'Someone run to the store and get daddy a pack of smokes' 

7. 'Hit pause, I gotta take a leak' 

6. 'These vibrating chairs are the best money we ever spent' 

5. 'Biden, wake up!' 

4. 'Mind if we switch over to the Celtics game for a second?' 

3. 'We should totally post this on YouTube' 

2. 'Seriously, Joe, wake up!' 

1. 'I just wish Dick Cheney were alive to see this' 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Halfway through his speech, FEMA finally showed up (Now they know how we feel)

"President Obama was in New Orleans for the fifth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Halfway through his speech, FEMA finally showed up." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said he can't walk around with his birth certificate plastered on his forehead. Apparently he was reacting to new polls that show 1 in 5 Kenyans now believe he was born in Hawaii." –Jay Leno

"Congress is very upset with Roger Clemens because they feel like they were lied to. Good! Now they know how we feel." –Jay Leno 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Hey, if there's one thing we know how to build, it's a wall (Choose your torch wisely)

"The U.S. government has issued a warning to builders not to use a Chinese drywall because they say it's defective. The Chinese government denied this and said, 'Hey, if there's one thing we know how to build, it's a wall.'" --Conan O'Brien

"California lawmakers still trying to close the state's massive budget deficit, so they're now talking about saving money by consolidating all the state agencies into different groups. By far, the most controversial proposal is for a Department of Education, Firearms and Alcohol." --Conan O'Brien

"South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is trying to bounce back from his sex scandal. Sanford has cleared his schedule this week to take a personal trip with his wife. Isn't that nice? Sanford said he wanted to go somewhere exotic and romantic, but he's going to get this trip with his wife out of the way first." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I think we owe Michael an apology (a couple of putz)

"I was surprised. Obama is a pretty good golfer. And he missed a couple of putts, or he would have broken 90. Could have broken 90. Missed a couple of putts. Speaking of a couple of putz, anybody hear anything of Bush and Cheney?" --David Letterman

"See all those people on the news walking around wearing those surgical masks, huh? For the swine flu. Suddenly Michael Jackson is not so crazy, huh? Yeah! I think we owe Michael an apology." --Jay Leno

"Well, another pilot has been taken off a plane for being drunk. This time it was an Air Canada pilot who was about to fly from London to Calgary. They took him off the plane before he could do something really stupid, you know, like fly low over Manhattan." --Jay Leno

"Did you see that, the 747 jet flying low over New York City? It caused a huge panic. Some government idiot thought it would be a good idea to buzz the city to get pictures of planes flying over the Statue of Liberty. But they didn't warn anybody. What's the government's next big idea? 'Hey, let's send a guy in a pirate costume to Captain Richard Phillips' house.'" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Who would have ever guessed something like this could possibly ever happen? (I guess I'll have to get my heels at Zappos)

Very sad news to report from the fashion world. President Trump's daughter, Ivanka, announced today she's shutting down her clothing line. I know. I guess I'll have to get my heels at Zappos. --Jimmy Kimmel

Sales of Ivanka Trump merchandise have dropped dramatically since her father became our ayatollah. A number of prominent retailers have stopped carrying her stuff. Wow, a Trump business failing. Who would have ever guessed something like this could possibly ever happen? The good news is no American jobs will be lost because almost every piece of her clothing was made overseas. --Jimmy Kimmel

Ivanka and husband Jared Kushner can focus full-time on whatever the hell it is they've been doing. --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Even Lincoln is looking at him like, this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me (catch phrase)

The House passed a Republican tax bill today, which was great news for everyone from the super wealthy all the way down to the that's it. –Seth Meyers

Disneyworld's Hall of Presidents debuted an animatronic President Trump today. Good lord! Disneyworld, is that supposed to go in the haunted mansion? Even Lincoln is looking at him like, this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. –Seth Meyers

President Trump today denied a Washington Post report that he was considering rescinding his nomination of Supreme Court justice Neil Gorsuch. Prior to his confirmation, calling it, you guessed it, fake news. Hey, man, you're burning out your own catch phrase. –Seth Meyers

Pretty soon you're going to need a new catch phrase, like "It's golfing time." Or "I hereby resign from the presidency of the United States." Oh, that's catchy. –Seth Meyers

     

A magisterial collection. An emotional rollercoaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984. http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

you know what you call a man who has been in a coma for the last six years? (No, wait. That's Condoleezza Rice)

"Here's a remarkable story of recovery. Seems a brain-injured man who had been in a coma for the last six years is now awake -- eating and speaking with his family. In fact, you know what you call a man who has been in a coma for the last six years? Mr. President." --Jay Leno on George W. Bush

"The Statue of Liberty's crown may reopen. It's been really odd. Most of her body has been closed to the public. No, wait. That's Condoleezza Rice." --David Letterman

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JohnHulsecollectedpoems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Bush waterboards Statue of Liberty (the guy in stall number 3)

"Senator Larry Craig announced he's now rethinking his decision to resign from the Senate. He resigned from the Senate and now he's rethinking his decision to resign from Senate. Craig says he's going to talk the decision over with his wife, and the guy in stall number 3." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is very busy. Tomorrow President Bush is scheduled to meet with Chinese President Hu Jintao. President Bush says he plans to deliver a message of 'concern and encouragement,' or as Bush calls it, 'concouragement'." --Conan O'Brien

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

That's why you have to go to Kuwait to see figure skating (robot to robot)

"Arnold Schwarzenegger got together with Al Gore for a climate change summit. Even though he's a Republican and Al Gore's a Democrat, it's good they could talk robot to robot." --Jay Leno

"President Bush gave a speech urging Congress to reauthorize the No Child Left Behind Act. See, I think the reason President Bush is so adamant about this is, I think he might have been a child left behind himself. Listen carefully to what he says here [on screen: Bush saying, 'Childrens do learn']. Exactly, see that." --Jay Leno

"No gays in Iran. That's why you have to go all the way to Turkey for a facial. That's why you have to go to Jordan to look at drapes. That's why you have to go to Syria to get a decent perm. That's why you have to go to Kuwait to see figure skating." --David Letterman

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Choose your torch wisely (secure our supplies of vibranium)

The U.N. is in town this week and Donald Trump hosted a lunch for African leaders. "I'm greatly honored to host this lunch, to be joined by the leaders of Côte d'Ivoire, Ethiopia, Ghana, Guinea, Nambia. Nambia's health system is increasingly self-sufficient." Now, there is no such country as "Nambia." Despite that, they will soon have a better healthcare system than we do. I might move to Nambia. I hear very good things. –Stephen Colbert

Trump went on to praise the African Republicans of Nambla, Wango-Tango, and Wakanda. "We must secure our supplies of vibranium." "I want to thank Prime Minister Chaka Khan, thank you so much for being here. So wonderful." –Stephen Colbert

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #FeeltheBern #repealreplacerepublicans

Remembering Charlottesville (Choose your torch wisely)

The Statue of Liberty digs the Long Ball! (Hunger Games)

The studio behind the "Hunger Games" movies announced that it will be opening a theme park in South Korea dedicated to the films. They’re calling it “North Korea.” –Seth Meyers

I'm still recovering from President Trump's kamikaze press conference yesterday, where Donald let Donald be Donald — the consequences and our country be damned. It was truly one for the ages — specifically, 1939 to 1945. –Stephen Colbert

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Trump ended a press conference on a cliffhanger (Robert E. Trump)

While President Trump fielded questions yesterday about Charlottesville, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly was seen staring at the ground with his arms crossed. And after hearing the press conference, so was the Statue of Liberty. –Seth Meyers

When asked yesterday about his confidence in chief adviser and accused white nationalist Steve Bannon, President Trump said, “We’ll see what happens.” This is how much Trump cares about ratings — he ended a press conference on a cliffhanger. “Will Steve Bannon lose his job? Will Mike Pence and his wife finally go all the way? Find out tomorrow on ‘As the World Burns’!” –Seth Meyers

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

This place is a real dump! (Oh crap, the kids!)

"The Today Show" just featured a group of moms in California who said that smoking weed makes them better parents. When asked if their kids agree, the moms were like, "Oh crap, the kids!" –Jimmy Fallon

Scientists just discovered that millions of years ago, flowers had both male and female parts. As a result, President Trump has banned those flowers from serving in the military. –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #repealreplacerepublicans #FeeltheBern #Bernie2020 @BrandNew535 @justicedems