Then it got weird when she added, 'Again.' (The haves fighting the really haves)

August 2012

"It’s National Senior Citizen’s Day, which is not to be confused with National Senior Citizen’s Week — the Republican Convention in Florida." –Jimmy Fallon

"A hurricane could threaten next week’s Republican National Convention in Tampa. It could really hurt Republicans — which explains its name, 'Hurricane Todd Akin.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new report by the Tax Policy Center, the gap between the rich and the super rich is growing wider. This could split the Republican Party in two. The haves fighting the really haves." –Jay Leno

"Happy birthday to gold medalist sprinter Usain Bolt. He turned 26 this week. You know the sad thing? His world record time has already been broken by Republicans running away from Missouri Congressman Todd Akin." –Jay Leno

"It was just announced that most of the speakers at this year’s Democratic National Convention will be women. But it’s going to be annoying when they stop speaking, but won’t tell you why." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, first lady Michelle Obama said she doesn’t have time to read 'Fifty Shades of Grey.' Then it got weird when she added, 'Again.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

others thought he was the private that Tom Hanks brought home from Normandy (It's like looking into a Smurf's an*s)

August 2012

"On Sunday, Mitt Romney chose Paul Ryan as his running mate. Forty-three percent of Americans have never heard of Ryan and the others thought he was the private that Tom Hanks brought home from Normandy." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Wasn't it thrilling when the U.S. Women's team took home the gold in gymnastics? A group of American teenagers getting a higher score than Chinese kids? That never happens." –Jay Leno

"Usain Bolt won the gold for the men's 100- and 200-meter dashes for the second Olympics in a row. You know, he has been running since he was in elementary school — kind of like Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno

"His eyes are just so blue. It's like looking into a Smurf's anus." –Jon Stewart on Paul Ryan

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently it was beat by a smooth-talking socialist horse from Kenya (his crusade against the laughter of children)

August 2012

"Tough Olympic news for the Romneys. Ann Romney's horse Rafalka did not advance to the Olympic finals. Apparently it was beat by a smooth-talking socialist horse from Kenya." –Conan O'Brien

"Big story at the Olympics regarding Michael Phelps. He stepped out with his girlfriend for the first time. She is a 25-year-old model from Los Angeles. Like every other model in L.A., She's dating an older retired guy. What's going on?" –Conan O'Brien

"It's now come out just before his record-breaking 100-meter dash, gold medalist Usain Bolt ate at McDonald's. Apparently he timed his meal so when the race started he would have exactly 9.63 seconds to get to a toilet." –Conan O'Brien

"Olympic officials have disqualified a champion race walker after determining that he was doping. They disqualified him. The man said getting caught doping is almost as embarrassing as getting caught being a champion race walker." –Conan O'Brien

"Mayor Michael Bloomberg is saying now that he has banned large sodas in New York City, his next target is going to be alcohol. Once that's out of the way he'll start his crusade against the laughter of children." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he sure walks like a baby deer on a frozen pond (Slow down, Usain Bolt)

President Trump delivered a commencement address at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point on Saturday, but it was Trump’s slow descent down the stage’s ramp that had people talking…

“Whoa, is that President Trump or The Flash? Slow down, Usain Bolt.” —Seth Meyers

“You know, for a guy who constantly talks about how tough he is, he sure walks like a baby deer on a frozen pond.” —Seth Meyers

“I watched that and for the first time thought, ‘[expletive], maybe he does have bone spurs!’” —Seth Meyers

“Wow, so liberals, young people, and women hate you, and now we have to add ramp designers to the list. OK, so let me get this straight: the ramp was long, steep, and slippery? It was a Slip ’N Slide. You think the West Point ramp was a Slip ’N Slide.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

JOKES: How much damage could he do in a week? (where the good Lord split ya)

So this is our first show of the Trump administration. You ever regret going on vacation? "Take the week off," they said. "America will still be here when you get back," they said. "How much damage could he do in a week?" –Stephen Colbert

You've got to give the guy credit. He can really get a lot of stuff undone. From Obamacare to climate change to torture, he's already moved the country back to 2004. If this keeps up, pretty soon, I’m going to launch "The Colbert Report." –Stephen Colbert

This guy is the Usain Bolt of executive orders. The latest is the order banning any refugees from entering the country for 120 days. Now, keep in mind, there are currently more refugees than at any time since World War II, and Trump just slammed the door. Explains why the poem on the Statue of Liberty now reads, "Don't let it hit ya where the good Lord split ya." –Stephen Colbert

And at Dulles Airport, a 5-year-old Iranian boy was detained for hours and kept from his mother. Or as Kellyanne Conway calls it, "alternative daycare." –Stephen Colbert

The woman he slept with last weekend is already four months pregnant (a fair and Speedo trial)

After lying to Rio police, Ryan Lochte has been summoned to Rio to testify. In accordance with the Brazilian Constitution, he has the right to a fair and Speedo trial. –Conan O’Brien

This weekend, after winning three gold medals in Rio, Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt was caught cheating on his girlfriend. Here's how fast Bolt is: The woman he slept with last weekend is already four months pregnant. –Conan O’Brien

There are rumors that Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte has signed a deal to appear on the next season of "Dancing with the Stars." It'll be nice for Lochte to have three people judging him instead of the whole country. –James Corden

The spacecraft went missing again when it was told who the Republican nominee is

The Trump campaign said pollsters aren’t counting people who are afraid to say they’re Trump supporters. That’s right, because Trump supporters are very, very shy. –Conan O’Brien

NASA announced they have re-established contact with a spacecraft that had been missing for two years. The spacecraft went missing again when it was told who the Republican nominee is. –Conan O’Brien

It’s been reported that after winning three gold medals in Rio, Usain Bolt was caught cheating on his girlfriend. More impressive, he was also found with another woman just 14 seconds later. –Conan O’Brien

The next time somebody on the playground says you throw like a girl, say "Thank you."

America just dominated the 2016 Olympics! That's right, we killed it. We got 121 medals! And I'm not surprised. I watched the Games here in the States — can't remember the channel — and from what I saw, apparently only Americans competed. Americans, and Usain Bolt. Of course, he's an honorary American, because Jamaica is basically tropical Colorado. –Stephen Colbert

And the majority of those American medals were won by female athletes. So, boys, next time somebody on the playground says you throw like a girl, say "Thank you." –Stephen Colbert

You stopped at a gas station for a pee break? C'mon, you're Olympic swimmers, you spend 90 percent of your lives in public pools. That's what the chlorine's for. –Stephen Colbert

So, boys, next time somebody says you throw like a girl, say "Thank you."

America just dominated the 2016 Olympics! That's right, we killed it. We got 121 medals! And I'm not surprised. I watched the Games here in the States — can't remember the channel — and from what I saw, apparently only Americans competed. Americans, and Usain Bolt. Of course, he's an honorary American, because Jamaica is basically tropical Colorado. –Stephen Colbert

And the majority of those American medals were won by female athletes. So, boys, next time somebody on the playground says you throw like a girl, say "Thank you." –Stephen Colbert

You stopped at a gas station for a pee break? C'mon, you're Olympic swimmers, you spend 90 percent of your lives in public pools. That's what the chlorine's for. –Stephen Colbert

Today, Ryan Lochte lost all four of his sponsors, including Speedo. And that's got to hurt, because they've been his biggest supporter — well, not biggest, but crucial. –Stephen Colbert

It's like looking into a Smurf's anus

"Romney and Ryan kind of look like a father and son in an ad for Super Cuts." –Jimmy Kimmel



"Usain Bolt won the gold for the men's 100- and 200-meter dashes for the second Olympics in a row. You know, he has been running since he was in elementary school — kind of like Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno 

"His eyes are just so blue. It's like looking into a Smurf's anus." –Jon Stewart on Paul Ryan

John Hulse painting