that could create up to $10 in new revenue (That poll was rigged)

October 2022

“Meanwhile, today is also Canadian Thanksgiving. So Happy Thanksgiving. It’s just like American Thanksgiving, except everyone goes around the table saying what they’re sorry for.” —Jimmy Fallon

“According to a new poll, if the GOP doesn’t win control of Congress in the midterms, nearly 40% of Republicans will blame election fraud. Yeah, and when they heard the results, 40% of Republicans were like, ‘That poll was rigged.’” —Jimmy Fallon

The U.S. Postal Service announced that it wants to raise stamp prices from 60 to 63 cents. And based on the number of people who still write letters, that could create up to $10 in new revenue.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was really just a potluck that got out of hand (Are we supposed to believe that was a coincidence?)

June 2022

“Members of The Late Show production team were detained while filming near the U.S. Capitol last week. My staff was in Washington to shoot Triumph the Insult Comic Dog interviewing members of Congress about the January 6th hearings. Triumph is a bipartisan puppy. He’s so neutral, he’s neutered. My staff were all detained, processed and released. A very unpleasant experience for my staff, a lot of paperwork for the Capitol Police, but a fairly simple story — until the next night, when a couple of the TV people started claiming that my puppet squad had committed insurrection at the U.S. Capitol building. This was first-degree puppetry; this was high jinks with intent to goof; misappropriation of an old Conan’ bit.” —Stephen Colbert

“The Capitol Police are much more cautious than they were, say, 18 months ago, and for a very good reason. If you don’t know what that reason is, I know what news network you watch.” —Stephen Colbert

“After all, Thursday night, the night they were detained, was the 50th anniversary of the Watergate break-in. Are we supposed to believe that was a coincidence? Yes.” —Stephen Colbert

“As the committee will detail, the Trump administration planned to send fake electors from the states Biden won to the declare themselves the ‘real’ electors, via false electoral college certificates. Did they really think that was going to work? Why not just have the former president show up to the inauguration in a rubber Joe Biden mask and try to fool Justice Roberts into swearing him in again?” —Stephen Colbert

“Trump also tried to downplay his failed coup, by referring to January 6th in his speech as a ‘simple protest that got out of hand’, and complained that people ignored ‘the size of the crowd – I believe that it was the largest number of people I’ve ever spoken to.’ Who cares about the size of the damn crowd! That’s like Jeffrey Dahmer saying ‘I know I murdered a bunch of people, but look how many leftovers I have. It was really just a potluck that got out of hand.’” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is like the worst thing a Catholic priest has ever done (seems like a minor mistake to me)

February 2022

“For two decades, Father Andres Arango performed the sacrament with the words, ‘We baptize you in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.’ However, the Vatican instructs priests to say ‘I baptize.’ Wait, wait, I’m sorry, what? All the baptisms are invalid because of one — no, one word? This is like the worst thing a Catholic priest has ever done.” —Trevor Noah

“Like, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to hear that the Catholic Church cares about people’s pronouns, but this seems like a minor mistake to me.” —Trevor Noah

“You know, like I would understand if the priest accidentally cleansed their souls in White Claw, that I would get. But this doesn’t seem like a huge deal.” —Trevor Noah

“And what’s going to happen to all the people who weren’t actually baptized — what happens to them now, huh? Are they going to go to hell for someone else’s mistake? That’s so unfair. Everyone else who gets to go to hell goes there because they got to have some fun first, you know?” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When they announced that Biden wasn't coming and raised twice as much money (Are you SURE I wasn't born in Kenya?)

October 2013

"Joe Biden had to cancel his appearance at a Democratic fundraiser tonight because of the government shutdown. And it got awkward when they announced that Biden wasn't coming and raised twice as much money." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that 9 percent of Americans have considered giving up their U.S. citizenship because of the constant arguing in Washington. Today, even Obama was like, 'Are you SURE I wasn't born in Kenya?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Nine percent of Americans would give up their citizenship because of all the fighting in D.C. You know things are bad when people getting caught at the Mexican border are being sent back to America." –Jimmy Fallon

"Germany just unveiled its rainbow-colored Olympic uniforms, which seem to be a subtle protest against Russia's anti-gay laws. You can tell how much the world has changed when Germans are the ones who are saying, 'Discrimination is just wrong.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Sorry, I'm a little touchy because it's almost Christmas and it's 135 degrees outside (Frosty the Puddle)

December 2012

"Today New Jersey Governor Chris Christie visited the White House. President Obama told him, 'I'd invite you to lunch but the deficit is already too high.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The governor of Arizona punched a reporter who asked her about global warming. Afterwards she apologized. She said, 'Sorry, I'm a little touchy because it's almost Christmas and it's 135 degrees outside." –Conan O'Brien

"The International Olympic Committee has stripped India of its right to participate in the games. In response, India said, 'Fine, just try logging on to your computers now.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney got a job. He's working at a Marriott. He is the guy that comes out to the pool and tells the kids to stop splashing." –David Letterman

"Because of climate change, "Frosty the Snowman" has a new name. Now he's called 'Frosty the Puddle.'" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

everything the American public believes is False (you-show-me-yours-and-I’ll-show-you-mine)

"Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In Portland, Oregon, a mail carrier made a very special delivery to the lawn of someone's home. He defecated behind the garbage cans. Where's he supposed to go? In his pith helmet? That's for pith, not for anything else. So now 'going postal' means a whole new thing, I guess." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Trump said he'd release his personal tax returns if Obama shows his birth certificate, which is probably the first you-show-me-yours-and-I’ll-show-you-mine in a presidential campaign since, well, Clinton probably." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Trump is very reluctant to release his tax returns. Either he doesn’t make as much money as he wants people to think he does, or he doesn't want anyone to know he claims his hairpiece as a dependent." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Top Ten Titles For The HBO Dick Cheney Mini-Series (Lord of the Onion Rings)

David Letterman's "Top Ten Titles For The HBO Dick Cheney Mini-Series"

10. 'From Sneer To Eternity'
9. 'Dial M For Medic'
8. 'The Fat, the Bald, and the Ugly'
7. 'Clear!'
6. 'Mr. Cheney Goes to Washington and Everything Goes to Hell'
5. 'Do the Wrong Thing'
4. 'Lord of the Onion Rings' (You know, because he's fat)
3. 'How I Waterboarded Your Mother'
2. 'Raging Bullcrap'
1. 'Lawrence Of Arrhythmia'

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He's the kind of guy that has a bad idea and just sticks with it (He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy)

"All these regimes are toppling, and today the King of Saudi Arabia announced a $37 billion handout to his people, and I thought, 'Now there’s a coincidence.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Moammar Gadhafi has promised to die defending his regime. He's the kind of guy that has a bad idea and just sticks with it." –Craig Ferguson

"George Clooney says he's had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Especially the parts about Dumbledore and Voldemort (Oh, I f**king hate wine!)

"You can tell President Obama wrote his children's book a few years ago. It lists 13 great Americans and they include Bernie Madoff, Tiger Woods, and Charlie Sheen." –Craig Ferguson

"For Republicans, Bill Clinton is like a fine wine -- the more you drink, the harder it is to remember, 'Oh, I f**king hate wine!'" –Jon Stewart

"Rep. John Boehner is the new speaker of the House. Turn-ons include tax cuts and spray tans." –Craig Ferguson

"Reports suggest that parts of former President Bush's new book may have been lifted from other books. Especially the parts about Dumbledore and Voldemort." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”