They said 30 years of jumping “groin-first” into a flagpole must’ve finally caught up to him (Must be nice)

Nintendo fans are worried about Mario’s brother, Luigi, because in a trailer for a new game, he appears as a ghost. They said 30 years of jumping “groin-first” into a flagpole must’ve finally caught up to him. --Jimmy Fallon

SeaWorld is letting 125 employees go. Or as the animals put it, “Must be nice.” --Jimmy Fallon

"The favorite to win the Olympic gold medal in archery is a legally blind athlete from South Korea, mainly because everyone else is too scared to compete next to him." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Open House Today: You Will Be Murdered (Never rub another man’s rhubarb)

In Philadelphia, a real estate investor says a home he was scoping out came with an unadvertised surprise. A stairway booby-trapped with a swinging knife.  To be fair, the real estate listing did say, “Open House Today: You Will Be Murdered.” --Stephen Colbert

Now, along with everyone else in America, President Trump is mad at Jussie Smollett, tweeting, “What about MAGA and the tens of millions of people insulted with your racist and dangerous comments!?” Colbert as Trump, “After all, racist and dangerous comments, kind of my thing. Never rub another man’s rhubarb.” --Stephen Colbert

Following a malfunction Monday night, more than a dozen people were trapped on a SeaWorld ride for four hours. Reached for comment the whales said, “Phase One complete. Now we train them to perform for our young.” --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know she’s just going to blow it on ‘Nip (Now we train them to perform for our young)

After the death of Karl Lagerfeld, his internet famous cat, Choupette is set to inherit Lagerfeld’s $150 Million Pound fortune. It’s so irresponsible to give a cat that much money. You know she’s just going to blow it on ‘Nip. --Stephen Colbert

Following a malfunction Monday night, more than a dozen people were trapped on a SeaWorld ride for four hours. Reached for comment the whales said, “Phase One complete. Now we train them to perform for our young.” --Stephen Colbert

In Philadelphia, a real estate investor says a home he was scoping out came with an unadvertised surprise. A stairway booby-trapped with a swinging knife. To be fair, the real estate listing did say, “Open House Today: You Will Be Murdered.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

And, of course, Trump sued New Mexico for obvious reasons (Before he left, he sampled all 32 flavors)

Here's a big story. 16 states are now suing Trump after he declared a national emergency to get money for his wall. Well, now Trump is getting back at some of those states by filing lawsuits against them. Check these out. First up, Trump sued Hawaii for putting pineapple on pizza and acting like it's normal. Next up, he sued Colorado for giving Utah and Wyoming a contact high. Up next, he wanted to take Rhode Island to court for not really being an island. Fake news. And, of course, Trump sued New Mexico for obvious reasons. --Jimmy Fallon

The heir to Baskin-Robbins is walking away from the company so he can promote healthy living instead. But this was annoying. Before he left, he sampled all 32 flavors. --Jimmy Fallon

Over a dozen people in San Diego had to be rescued after they got stuck on a gondola at SeaWorld for four hours. When they heard that, the whales at SeaWorld were like, "Oh, wow. Trapped for four hours. Trapped, huh? For four whole hours? Yeah, wow. Sounds terrible." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Very Stable Genius IQ Test (jumping “groin-first” into a flagpole)

Nintendo fans are worried about Mario’s brother, Luigi, because in a trailer for a new game, he appears as a ghost. They said 30 years of jumping “groin-first” into a flagpole must’ve finally caught up to him. --Jimmy Fallon

SeaWorld is letting 125 employees go. Or as the animals put it, “Must be nice.” --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

97% support universal background checks (Willie Nelson was found hiding in a box)

The CEO of SeaWorld has stepped down. He's going to be getting a $10 million retirement package – if he can jump up and catch it with his mouth. --Conan O’Brien

The Las Vegas airport has asked passengers to dispose of their marijuana in a special box. In a related story at Las Vegas airport today, Willie Nelson was found hiding in a box. --Conan O’Brien

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Bobby Jindal isn’t even allowed to WATCH

While we're taping this, the fourth Republican debate has not happened yet, but I'm kind of hoping they ask the other candidates what they would do if they had a time machine. Carly Fiorina would go back to that one week when she had great poll numbers. Just kidding — Carly Fiorina would go back to when she laid off 30,000 HP employees just to cackle and taste the blood again. –James Corden

Jeb Bush said in a new interview that if he could travel back in time he would kill Hitler as a baby, adding, “You gotta step up, man.” And it’s comments like those that have a lot of people telling Jeb, “You gotta step down, man.” --Seth Meyers

The fourth Republican debate was held tonight and Chris Christie and Mike Huckabee were demoted to the undercard event. Meanwhile, Bobby Jindal isn’t even allowed to WATCH. --Seth Meyers

Instead of canceling killer whale shows as previously reported, the CEO of SeaWorld clarified today that performances will continue but are being re-choreographed to reflect “conservation and a natural environment.” That story again: The killer whales have to learn a new dance. --Seth Meyers