the omelet station at Mar-a-Lago (an attack on every American)

“Democrats want Republicans to agree to continue funding the Affordable Care Act, whereas Republicans want to use that money to add crab legs to the omelet station at Mar-a-Lago.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“And Trump is threatening to make ‘irreversible cuts' if there’s a shut down, which — you know what? I was recently the victim of a government shutdown. They are reversible, I will tell you that.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I think that legally makes you a **** star (Americans’ G-strings)

“Uh, I don’t think anyone wants a check that Trump signed. I think that legally makes you a porn star.” — Stephen Colbert

“Now, and it turns out, the president is not legally allowed to sign checks from the I.R.S. So instead, Mnuchin decided to put the president’s name in the ‘memo’ section of the check. Still better than Trump’s alternative: tucking the cash directly into Americans’ G-strings.” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Finally a reason for Trump to acknowledge the existence of Eric (it is now worth $17)

“Stimulus checks will soon be arriving for those who need them and will include an extra $500 per child. Finally a reason for Trump to acknowledge the existence of Eric.” —Stephen Colbert

Harriet Tubman will be replacing Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill. It's truly exciting to have a woman on there. Although, unfortunately, due to the wage gap, it is now worth $17. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm working for Homeland Security (competition)

"Do you know why they're moving? Because some members of Congress have started investigating Halliburton for over-billing and for taking too much of American taxpayers' money for doing too little work. Or, as Congress calls it, 'competition.'" --Jay Leno

"There are reports that female terrorists are being fitted with exploding breast implants. How many guys are going to use this as an excuse? 'Honey, I'm not looking at her breasts. I'm working for Homeland Security.'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So better luck next time Harriet Tub-Man (over Colin Jost’s dead body)

There is speculation that the next pope could come from Africa, which would mean he'd have to travel over Colin Jost’s dead body. —Michael Che

Ye is accusing a Beverly Hills dentist of getting him addicted to nitrous oxide, which caused him extreme mental distress. The dentist apologized, saying he didn't realize he had the tank set to Nazi. —Michael Che

This week marks the anniversary of the end of the war in Vietnam. Also turning 50, a lot of half-white Vietnamese kids. —Michael Che

The US has announced a new series of $50 coins featuring Superheroes like Batman and Superman. So better luck next time Harriet Tub-Man. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which I believe is also the main ingredient in hot dogs (No one is going to stop you, there are no doors)

Housing prices are so high in the San Francisco Bay Area right now that a small one-story burned-out home is selling for — brace yourself — $800,000. It comes with two-and-a-half baths and two-and-a-half walls. The house is loaded with fun features like a fire pit out back, a fire pit in the kitchen, a fire pit in the living room, and all the bedrooms got fire pits. Why not save $800,000 and just move in now? No one is going to stop you, there are no doors. --James Corden

There was a big breakthrough in the world of science. Researchers recently created the world’s first human heart using a 3D printer. The heart is made from human cells and “patient-specific biological materials” which I believe is also the main ingredient in hot dogs. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the No. 1 choice of the guy who was nobody’s choice (I can’t take a hint)

Ted Cruz has been joined on the campaign trail by former candidate Gov. Rick Perry. So in other words, Ted Cruz is the No. 1 choice of the guy who was nobody’s choice. –Conan O’Brien

“The government may be legally required to release a video of the Osama bin Laden killing. For some reason it co-stars Katherine Heigl.” –Conan O’Brien

This week, Mike Huckabee, Martin O’Malley, Rand Paul, and Rick Santorum have all decided to drop out of the race. Which explains Jeb Bush’s new campaign slogan, "I can’t take a hint." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Assembling a cabinet of regular, blue-collar Americans (getting yelled at by a fake garbageman)

In his first extensive interview since the election Donald Trump claimed he won because he’s in touch with the needs of working people, and he’s following through by assembling a cabinet of regular, blue-collar Americans who understand what it’s like to struggle to make ends meet and – I’m just fucking with you, it’s like a shit-ton of billionaires. —Seth Meyers

Numerous commentators are calling it the wealthiest cabinet in history, with more billionaires and centi-millionaires than any before it – and that’s not counting the world’s richest man, Elon Musk, as Trump’s top outside adviser. I’m not surprised that Donald Trump is picking billionaires. I’m just surprised that if you are a billionaire, you would say yes to spending the next four years getting yelled at by a fake garbageman. All in exchange for a tax break that you’ll never even notice? —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

To be fair, she did make everyone very aware of alcohol (How can we make ourselves sound more like a male strip club?)

Uh, guys, listen to this. A school administrator in Louisiana was just arrested after she showed up to school drunk during alcohol awareness week. To be fair, she did make everyone very aware of alcohol. --Jimmy Fallon

I read that Toys"R"Us may be relaunching as a new store, called "Geoffrey's Toy Box." I guess executives were like, "How can we make ourselves sound more like a male strip club?" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently, they're worried that if politicians touch the Pope they'll burst into flames (Just pretend you're laying off a bunch of people)

I saw that top congressional leaders sent a statement to the House and Senate with guidelines for Pope Francis' visit, including a request to not shake his hand. Apparently, they're worried that if politicians touch the Pope they'll burst into flames. –Jimmy Fallon

Carly Fiorina said that after the previous debate, people told her that she needed to smile more. They were like, "Just pretend you're laying off a bunch of people." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Turns out it was just being paranoid (Well, rules are rules)

It was announced today that President Trump is ending the DACA program, and may deport immigrants who came to the U.S. decades ago. Many people are outraged, while Melania was like, "Well, rules are rules." –Jimmy Fallon

I read that a sailboat near Greece that was in distress was busted for carrying 1,500 pounds of marijuana. Actually, the boat wasn't actually in distress. Turns out it was just being paranoid. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It didn't work out that great (Al Gore's revenge)

"How about the weather in Washington? Oh my God. The rain, or

as they're calling it, Al Gore's revenge." --Jay Leno

"That was a big bone of contention today on the cable talk shows.

Supporters of Sarah Palin say, it's okay she doesn't know what

the Bush doctrine is because the average American doesn't know

what it is. But shouldn't the bar be a little higher for this job?

Shouldn't they be a little above average? I mean, hey, let's be

honest. We already had an average guy as president. It didn't

work out that great." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you (water and air)

Tax Day normally falls on April 15 traditionally, but they moved it this year because the 15th was a Saturday, and I think it’s illegal to make people do math on Saturdays. –Jimmy Kimmel

“Why on earth would his name be on the stimulus checks? They’re not from him. It’s not his money. Trump didn’t even put his name on the check he sent Stormy Daniels.” — Jimmy Kimmel

"At the St. Louis Zoo, Newt Gingrich got too close to one of the animals and was bit on the hand by a penguin. If you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

tucking the cash directly into Americans’ G-strings (drone crimes)

“Stimulus checks will soon be arriving for those who need them

and will include an extra $500 per child. Finally a reason for

Trump to acknowledge the existence of Eric.” —Stephen Colbert

Meanwhile in Zambia an energy drink has been banned after it was found to contain viagra. So, obviously it’s not a soft drink. --Stephen Colbert

“Now, and it turns out, the president is not legally allowed to sign checks from the I.R.S. So instead, Mnuchin decided to put the president’s name in the ‘memo’ section of the check. Still better than Trump’s alternative: tucking the cash directly into Americans’ G-strings.” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

All I can say is, way to go, Wolf Blitzer! (figuring out who’s homeless and who’s just in a band)

It’s been reported that a contributor to CNN has been having an affair with Ted Cruz. All I can say is, way to go, Wolf Blitzer! –Conan O’Brien

Portland is planning to offer homeless people a free bus ticket out of town. Of course, the problem in Portland is figuring out who’s homeless and who’s just in a band. –Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, Mitt Romney told what he thought was a humorous story about how his father closed down a Michigan factory. Then Romney went on to quote some of his favorite funny quotes from the movie ‘Schindler's List.’” –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You want to bail out the people who laid you off (shaking the Etch-a-Sketch)

A big thank you for all the birthday wishes today from everybody

out there, I really appreciate it, but birthdays and vacations are

over now and someone has to explain George Santos. Someone

has to explain this phenomenon, in case you've been living under

a rock or you live here in California and your rock washed away.

George Santos is the newly elected Republican House member from Long Island who Pinocchioed his way into Congress and who represents a growing segment of American society. Liars. Now if you're sort of hazy on the details of Santos's life don't worry, so is he. When they film his biography it'll start with, based on a false story. 

This guy lied about his schooling, his career, his sexuality, and his charity work. What kind of family raises a person like this? We don't know because he lied about them too. He lies like a goose shits. If he's not doing it at this very moment he's about to. 

He said he attended the prestigious Horace Mann prep school. They have no record of him, nor does NYU where he said he got an MBA or Baruch College where he falsely claimed to have graduated in the top 1% of his class and starred on the volleyball team. I would say you can't make this shit up but he just made this shit up. And it raises a lot of questions starting with if you're gonna lie, why volleyball? 

He also claimed he ran an animal charity that neutered 3,000 Stray Cats, he didn't but again, what a strange thing to brag about. He literally lied about cutting off cat's nuts and that takes a lot of balls. Don't think Santos isn't pioneering something new in American politics. Of course we've seen liars before but it was always about tracking from the extreme to the center of your own party. What Mitt Romney called shaking the Etch-a-Sketch.

But Santos is the first one to realize that since we are all in our hermetically sealed media bubbles now, you can pretend to be everything to voters in both parties, and no one on either side will notice. Some of Santos's lies appeal to far-right Republicans like being all in, as he was on Trump's election denying, or making the white power sign in the halls of Congress or claiming he was a Wall Street wonderkind who made Millions working in Goldman Sachs, which he didn't. Or that he was a luxury Yacht broker, which he wasn't.

The giveaway here is that Santos's district is Long Island, New York, a suburb of Manhattan, not as liberal but almost always went Democratic. Biden won it by eight points. So how did a Trump-loving, election denying, white nationalist get elected in a democrat-leaning district? Simple, he told them what they wanted to hear too.

What do liberals love? Identity politics and victimhood. So he said he had a brain tumor and he was one of the first New Yorkers hospitalized for Covid. He said he lost four co-workers in the famous Pulse Nightclub shooting in 2016. He's from Brazil, which is overwhelmingly Catholic, but when he ran in New York he said he was Jewish and that his grandparents fled Ukraine to escape the Nazis. That's right, his Jewish Ukrainian forefathers escaped the Holocaust by being born Catholic in Brazil.

Also he claims to be half black, although I doubt that's the half that wears a blazer with the fleece vest. He also claims to be gay but he divorced the woman he was married to two weeks before the campaign started. George knows where the sweet spots are with Democrats too. He once said, “I'm very much gay.” What does that mean, very much gay? Do you have a blue checkmark on Grindr?

Everybody keeps asking how could a guy like this get elected? I'll tell you how, because no one cares anymore about substance. It's all tribalism. The only thing that matters is he is on our team. Is he doing our schtick? Santos is just the first one to realize you could do both sides schtick and get away with it because people have completely tuned out anything that doesn't already fit their narrative. Republicans love a winner and Democrats love someone whose life story makes you want to kill yourself.

For Republicans George claimed he went to the Capitol on January 6th. Yes, he personally attended the insurrection and has tweeted hashtags like ‘Dems are destroying America’ but that obviously didn't matter to plenty of Democrats in his district. What mattered is that he's a brave, sad, proudly gay, half-black Latino Holocaust victim with a brain tumor. Vote for him? I'm surprised they didn't have him host the Oscars. 

Yes, everyone saw in George Santos what they wanted to see. Republicans saw a Trump-loving rich prick, Democrats saw a proudly gay person of color and the Proud Boys saw a guy who would blow them after a couple of beers and not tell anyone.

–Bill Maher 1/20/2023

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Normally I don’t say this to a patient, but you are all responsible for your parents’ divorce (I love this country so much)

“Let’s note the differences in their responses to the war between Israel and Hamas. Biden condemned the attacks by Hamas in Israel, while Trump posted on Truth Social: ‘I KEPT ISRAEL SAFE! NOBODY ELSE WILL, NOBODY ELSE CAN, AND I KNOW ALL OF THE PLAYERS!!!’ Well then strap on some kevlar and get over there, McRib Rambo. Trump would like us to believe that his mere presence would have kept Hamas out of Israel and Russia out of Ukraine. This is coming from a guy who couldn’t even keep Kanye out of Mar-a-Lago. It’s pretty clear that at this point, he’s got no connection with reality at all. All he can see are perfect phone calls, and unfair witch hunts, and elections he won, wars he would’ve prevented. I might have a solution: Let’s build a little Oval Office in a mental institution and put him in there. Tell him he’s been reinstated as president. He’d be perfectly content drawing on weather maps and pushing that little red Diet Coke button. He’d be happy, we’d be happy, let’s get it done!” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Meanwhile in the US, the House is still without a speaker, and Republicans don’t really seem any closer to finding one. In order to reach some consensus, over 150 GOP lawmakers met behind closed doors on Monday evening in what one member called a ‘therapy session’. I would hate to be a therapist for the House Republicans – ‘Normally I don’t say this to a patient, but you are all responsible for your parents’ divorce.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I believe his job was to remove all the locks from the dressing room doors (negative 3 percent/Also, you drink it now)

Don Jr.'s emails were with British music publicist Rob Goldstone. He met the Trumps at the 2013 Miss Universe pageant in Moscow. I believe his job was to remove all the locks from the dressing room doors. –Stephen Colbert

There's so much surplus meat that pork processors recently have reduced some hours at plants, and some plants even have turned away hogs. Ugh, can you imagine being a hog trying to get past the velvet rope at the slaughterhouse? "Come on, man, my cousin's already in there. He's a giant hog. Man, this is whack, I cleaned all the mud off myself for nothing." All of this surplus meat has led to a desperate new ad campaign: "Beef: It's what's for dinner. And breakfast, and lunch. Also, you drink it now." --Stephen Colbert

In the key swing states of Ohio and Pennsylvania Trump is currently getting zero percent support from black voters. Obviously every poll has a margin of error, so it can actually be negative 3 percent. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”