You can bag them without any trouble at all (Think outside the bun)

May 2022

“The Fed raised interest rates by half a percentage point on Wednesday in an effort to curb inflation. After yesterday’s rate hike, the markets went up 932 points. Pretty good. But this morning, as one reporter described it, ‘Investors woke up with a binge-trading hangover.’ Oh, you’ve got to be careful when you binge-trade; otherwise, you could wake up next to a stock you don’t even remember acquiring.” —Stephen Colbert

“Then today, everything went kablooey. The Dow tumbled over 1,000 points, in the worst day of the year so far, eclipsing the previous worst day of the year: every day of the year.” —Stephen Colbert

“Happy Cinco de Mayo. Yeah, it’s that one day when people are excited to hear someone say, ‘I’ve got Corona!’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Meanwhile, today President Biden hosted a Cinco de Mayo reception in the Rose Garden with the first lady of Mexico. Yeah, Biden talked about the warm relationship between the U.S. and Mexico. It’s better than Trump’s message on Cinco de Mayo, which was ‘Think outside the bun.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“In an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network this week in which Donald Trump said ‘nobody has done more for Christianity, nobody has done more for religions of all types, than me’. That’s a bit of a bold statement. But I’ll say this: he’s right about Christianity. For four years he certainly inspired me to say ‘Je-sus’. The ‘religions of all kinds’ bit also makes sense. He’s got the wrath of Yahweh, the destructive power of Shiva, the BMI of Buddha and the sexual assault history of Zeus.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”