Big Daddy Bronzer (and just to cover all my bases, let’s throw in the entire Cheesecake Factory menu)

“You know how they say there’s no such thing as bad publicity? They’re not talking about this. The Wall Street Journal also reported that the documents included hundreds of other names, according to a source. Of course! Names like Donald Trump, Donald John Trump, Donald J Trump, Donnie Trump, Donald Trump Jr’s father, Big Daddy Bronzer AKA the Donald and a mystery man only known as Micro-Penis DJT.” —Stephen Colbert

A video has resurfaced of Jeffrey Epstein’s deposition from 2010, in which he was asked if he ever socialized with Donald Trump in the presence of females under the age of 18. Epstein answered: “Though I’d like to answer that question, at least today, I’m going to have to assert my fifth, sixth and 14th amendment rights, sir.” Not a great sign when the pedophile is being asked if you’re doing a pervert ride-along, and their response is ‘I’d like to invoke the entire constitution, Magna Carta, the Napoleonic code and just to cover all my bases, let’s throw in the entire Cheesecake Factory menu.’ —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sorry, but the Cheesecake Factory is way ahead of you (I like it...I like it)

“The point is at this time of national peril, we all have to do our part. And by do, I mean don’t. We all have to don’t our part. And there’s no country in the world more prepared for that than the USA. Turns out Americans weren’t lazy couch potatoes this whole time – all that sitting on our asses and watching TV was actually training to save the world.” —Stephen Colbert

Last night, we found out that the FBI has arrested a Coast Guard officer who was planning a rampage against democrats and journalists. When they raided his apartment they found a huge cache of ammunition and weapons. The officer in question, Christopher P. Hasson, once wrote in a letter, “I am a long time white nationalist, having been a skinhead 30 plus years.”  30 years? That is a long time. He is close to skinhead retirement. Soon he can cash in his 401KKK. In one letter Hasson wrote, “I am dreaming of a way to kill almost every last person on earth.” Sorry, but the Cheesecake Factory is way ahead of you. --Stephen Colbert

“Donald Trump’s not the only leader handling this crisis poorly, Colbert continued; the New York City mayor, Bill de Blasio, went to his local YMCA to work out on Monday morning, to much social media ridicule. Come on, Mr Mayor. Don’t you know that during an epidemic, it’s fun to stay at your H-O-M-E, Colbert said, to the tune of Y.M.C.A. Cause if you don’t, we’ll be D.E.A.D.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

The Pope said, 'Great, my favorite.' (Cheating the system)

March 2014

"Mayor Rob Ford is running for re-election in Toronto, and last night's first debate was about public transportation. Ford said it's important to preserve the city's bus and subway stations. Then he said, 'I rely on those things. I'm way too drunk to drive myself.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama visited with Pope Francis today, and during the meeting the president gave Pope Francis some seeds used in the White House garden. Then he said, 'Don't plant these where anyone can see them. They're straight from Denver. '" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama was at the Vatican today. He had his first meeting with Pope Francis. It was a casual meeting. They spoke privately for about an hour and grabbed lunch at the Cheesecake Factory." –Jimmy Kimmel

"It's traditional for world leaders to exchange gifts when they meet for the first time. The Pope gave Obama his book and two medallions. The president gave him seeds from the vegetable garden. The Pope said, 'Great, my favorite.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The velocities with which their knees hit the floor (while some senators are saying that's the point)

June 2013

"Edward Snowden is the guy who leaked all of the NSA secrets. He had a 98-minute press conference today and yet they can't find the guy. This is the biggest manhunt since Martha Stewart started online dating." –David Letterman

"Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the guy who made 'Death to America' a popular slogan. Now his successor, a moderate guy named Rohani, doesn't believe in death to America. He believes in lingering illness to America." –David Letterman

"The Senate's new immigration bill is apparently more than a thousand pages long and weighs 24 pounds. Some critics say the bill is too long for the average American to read before it's approved, while some senators are saying that's the point." –Jimmy Fallon

"The immigration bill is more than a thousand pages long. That doesn't sound like an immigration bill. That sounds like a menu at The Cheesecake Factory." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s Los Angeles. So where are you going to find three Wise Men and a virgin? (Running Deficit)

December 2012

"Today in Washington, President Obama met with leaders of the American Indian tribes and they honored the president by giving him his own Indian name: 'Running Deficit.'" –Jay Leno

"Native Americans are understandably very upset. This country used to belong to them. And, of course, now it belongs to the Chinese, so they are very furious about that." –Jay Leno

"There was one really awkward moment with the American Indians. In the middle of the meeting, Joe Biden walked in wearing a Redskins jersey." –Jay Leno

"The CEO of The Cheesecake Factory is now warning that Obamacare will be very costly. Hey, The Cheesecake Factory is one of the reasons we need Obamacare in the first place." –Jay Leno 

"Santa Monica has banned nativity scenes on public land. Opponents want to use real people to make a display instead of statues to get around the rule. The problem is, it’s Los Angeles. So where are you going to find three Wise Men and a virgin?" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

to make Mitt Romney look like Mitt Romney (he looks as beautiful as the day they first met)

October 2012

 "It's being reported that Mitt Romney's goal for tonight's debate is to make Barack Obama look like Jimmy Carter. Meanwhile, Barack Obama's goal is to make Mitt Romney look like Mitt Romney." –Conan O'Brien

"Today was not only the first presidential debate, it was also President Obama's 20th wedding anniversary. I think the president got a little confused. At one point, he told Michelle that she was out of touch with the middle class and Romney that he looks as beautiful as the day they first met." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is winning the election according to an informal poll conducted by 7-Eleven. However, the findings are being hotly contested by analysts from The Cheesecake Factory." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The role he created of the wealthy tycoon (So was it worth it?)

January 2021

“Six years ago, we were all perfectly fine to let him keep bumbling around New York, pretending to be a billionaire. He could have been hosting golf tournaments, making TGI Fridays commercials, playing this role he created of the wealthy tycoon. 

He could have bought a couple of new helicopters, a couple new wives, and we would have all just rolled our eyes and been like, ‘Oh, that’s Donald Trump.’ Probably would’ve landed a sweet gig as the cranky TV judge on some hooded celebrity pie-eating competition. That’s where Donald Trump belonged. 

But now, most of the country despises him; most of the world despises him. We found out he pays no taxes; he has no money; he is likely to face criminal charges in New York. Nobody will do business with him. Can’t host a golf tournament; can’t even operate a carousel in his hometown anymore. His wife hates him; his kids are screwed. 

He’s got to hole up in that Cheesecake Factory with a golf course in Florida he lives in for the rest of his life. He won’t be able to invite centerfolds up to his office anymore, and he’ll be generally thought of as the worst president in the history of the United States. So was it worth it? For him, it probably was, but it’s over now.” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Any bread can be a tortilla if you use a hammer (You may be at home, but guac is still extra)

“Well, of course Trump wouldn’t want to wear a mask somewhere stupid like a hospital.  [as Trump] I’ll only wear a mask if it’s a mask facility, same way I only eat cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory, and I only take a bath at Bed Bath & Beyond.’” — Stephen Colbert

“Today is also Cinco de Mayo. And if you’re trying to celebrate at home, here’s your quarantine Cinco de Mayo tip of the day: Any bread can be a tortilla if you use a hammer.” —Trevor Noah

“So have fun celebrating Cinco de Mayo today, but don’t forget: You may be at home, but guac is still extra.” — Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Why do we have wars? (Ze robot vill hug you now)

California will vote a proposal this fall that would split the state into three pieces. They’ll be called California, Northern California, and Sad Thin People. --Seth Meyers

Scientists in Germany have programmed a robot to hug humans due to research showing hugs can reduce stress and help stave off illness. Which is the most German reaction to that news. “Oh, you need a hug? Come here — let me build you a robot. Ze robot vill hug you now.” --Seth Meyers

The Cheesecake Factory has been fined $4.6 million for wage violations with their janitorial staff. And now to save money they have to remove the last 40 pages of their menu. --Seth Meyers

According to CNN, over 800 people in Central Florida were stung by jellyfish this week. “I’m on my way!!” said R. Kelly. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Hopefully he's in there getting a vasectomy

“Newt Gingrich is trying to save his campaign by focusing only on areas where he has the most support. So he's mostly focusing on Georgia, Tennessee, and Cheesecake Factory.” –Conan O'Brien



“Mitt Romney is trying hard to connect with voters. He seems like he's too affluent. Romney was talking about his father's humble beginnings as a carpenter. He said, ‘I'll never forget the day my dad started building our fourth beach house.’” –Conan O’Brien



“I saw this picture online today. This is Arnold Schwarzenegger's personal photo. It's him and Sylvester Stallone in the hospital together. Hopefully he's in there getting a vasectomy.” –Jimmy Kimmel 



“The truth is, Arnold Schwarzenegger asked Sylvester Stallone to be there in case Maria showed up with a scalpel.” –Jimmy Kimmel