House resolution 302: Make Channing Tatum Wear a Shirt (anybody shout it out, no ideas are bad!)

February 2023

“We on the Late Show, honor the first day of Black History month, or as Ron DeSantis calls it, ‘month.’” —Stephen Colbert

“America’s debt ceiling, which some House Republicans are using to force major spending cuts on popular social programs such as social security and Medicare. It’s not clear why they would cut programs everybody loves the most. That seems … unpopular. Next up: House resolution 302: Make Channing Tatum Wear a Shirt.” —Stephen Colbert

“No longer committed to cutting social security of Medicaid, some House Republicans are still demanding spending cuts, but will no longer specify from where. So they’re holding us hostage, but they won’t tell us what the ransom is. It’s like a super-villain saying, ‘I will destroy Gotham with my heat ray, unless you give me … anybody shout it out, no ideas are bad!’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I had a nuclear blast at Chernobyl! (high school girlfriends)

April 2022

“There are reports that Russian soldiers stole dangerously radioactive items from Chernobyl to keep as souvenirs. Well of course you can’t go to Chernobyl and not check out the gift shop. [A radioactive tourist]: ‘Oh look hon, they have a T-shirt that says, ‘I had a nuclear blast at Chernobyl!’” —Stephen Colbert

“Marjorie Taylor Greene, who tore into me on a podcast with disgraced Republican colleague Matt Gaetz over the weekend. Gaetz called me a ‘total jerk’ whose ‘trend is to attack women’. Says the guy who’s currently under federal investigation for sex trafficking, obstructing justice, and paying for sex with a 17-year-old girl. That’s not fair at all. I make jokes about men too. I make jokes about you, in fact. Remember when I said I feel bad for you because you didn’t have a girlfriend in high school until you were 30?” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even Dick Cheney was like, 'That guy needs to learn how to shoot' (Promise vs Reality)

April 2013

"Today President Obama asked Congress for $100 million to map the human brain. And believe me, if anybody needs a map to find their brain, it's Congress." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday President Obama shot baskets at the White House and made only two shots out of 22. Even Dick Cheney was like, 'That guy needs to learn how to shoot.'" –Jimmy Fallon
 

"President Obama went only two for 22. It's tough times for Obama – one minute, he's asking Congress to raise the debt ceiling; the next, he's asking them to lower the hoop." –Jimmy Fallon

"Folks, every day more and more freeloaders are sucking at the government teat. Which is especially troubling since Uncle Sam is a dude." –Stephen Colbert

"Now, Obamacare raises eligibility for Medicaid to 133% of the poverty line, allowing it to cover 30 million more Americans by 2022. Thirty million medical moochers. To put that in perspective, if you laid them all end to end, they would stretch to Canada, which is where they should move if they want free healthcare!" –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even scarier news, other days she's perfectly fine (I think they think abstinence is Latin for no ****)

July 2011

"After all of these weeks of negotiating about the debt ceiling and trying to keep the deficit down, John Boehner today walked out and stopped taking Obama's calls. This should be very reassuring to the markets. One side's policy is budget cuts and closing tax loopholes and the other side's policy is 'I'll be at my mother's.'" –Bill Maher

"Obama said he had been left at the altar a couple of times. And he asked a great question. He said, 'Can they say yes to anything?" A Democrat now has offered cuts in Medicaid, Medicare, Social Security, and the Republicans still said 'no.' What is the Democrats' next offer? Kansas goes back to being a slave state? Obama moves back to Kenya?" –Bill Maher

"Michele Bachmann was in the news this week for her migraines. They say she gets terrible migraines. Some people say as often as once a week she is incapacitated by these migraines for days. Even scarier news, other days she's perfectly fine." –Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin is becoming a grandmother again (or for the first time, who knows). It's not Bristol – Bristol, of course, is re-saving herself for marriage. This is Palin's oldest son Track. His wife is pregnant. They got married two months ago, and now she looks like she's six months pregnant. So you do the math, because certainly the Palin’s can't." –Bill Maher

"What is it with the Palin family and pregnancy? Do they not have condoms up there in Alaska? When they say 'don't retreat, reload,' they are not f*cking around. I think they think abstinence is Latin for 'no anal." –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It's to keep them from being high-fived to death (The other 39 percent think he's in superhell)

"They celebrated Cinco de Mayo at the White House. In keeping with the times, President Obama whacked a giant piñata and then gave it a burial at sea." –Conan O'Brien

"Sen. John McCain met with the CEO of Twitter today. At least that's what he tried to tweet on his garage door opener." –Conan O'Brien

"The identity of the Navy Seals that killed Osama bin Laden is being kept secret. It's for their own saftey. It's to keep them from being high-fived to death." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A CNN poll showed that 61 percent of Americans think bin Laden is in hell. The other 39 percent think he's in superhell." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Republicans say it is not over until each and every vote has been suppressed (American voters can be pretty progressive)

A lot of voters passed amazing ballot initiatives. Idaho, Nebraska and Utah passed Medicaid expansion. Michigan, Colorado and Missouri passed redistricting reform to prevent gerrymandering. Arkansas and Missouri passed minimum wage increases. Turns out American voters can be pretty progressive when they get to bypass their politicians. --Samantha Bee

First the downside with the big election over is that the lawn signs go away and then you can't tell which one of your neighbors is an asshole. --Bill Maher

But some some races are still undecided and Republicans say it is not over until each and every vote has been suppressed. --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Please Take Away My Healthcare! More Tax Breaks For The Rich! I Demand Polluted Drinking Water!

"Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki says that when President Bush was in office, they used to have a meeting once a week via video conference. Maliki said the teleconferences always ended the same way, with Bush throwing his joystick down and yelling, 'This game is boring!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Weird story about General Motors. General Motors just announced they've created - I'm not kidding - a new line of Cadillac cologne. The Cadillac cologne slogan is, 'Smell like you owe the Federal government $10 billion.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Economists say the recession getting so bad, it's driving down the prices of many goods. In fact, folks, it has gotten so bad, the 99-cent store just changed its name to 'You know what? Just take it.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I Got Mine, So F*** You! (Nice to see him entering something that's not married)

"Cold out there, huh? So cold today that Saddam Hussein was happy to be in hell. ... So cold that Iran is attempting to enrich hot coco. ... So cold they had to chisel that whacky astronaut out of her diaper. ... The cold weather in New York City causes potholes. This city has more holes than a NASA screening process." --David Letterman

"This week a NASA astronaut attempted to kidnap another astronaut's girlfriend using a BB gun, mallet and pepper spray after driving 900 miles wearing a diaper. Which would all be amazing except that the Russians got a monkey to do it last year." --Conan O'Brien

"The mayor of San Francisco announced that he is entering rehab. Nice to see him entering something that's not married." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Live from the White House panic room! (What took so long?)

Today, President Trump officially removed Anthony Scaramucci as his communications director. And this was a little awkward — when Scaramucci called an Uber to pick him up at the White House, Sean Spicer was driving. –Jimmy Fallon

Scaramucci lost his job after just 10 days, following an obscene interview with the New Yorker. You know it’s bad when you get fired after 10 days and everyone’s still like, “What took so long?” –Jimmy Fallon  

"No, actually, the real reason John McCain says he's postponing the debate is to concentrate on the economic crisis. In fact, President Bush spoke to the nation earlier tonight, addressing the financial crisis. He spoke live from the White House panic room." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @BrandNew535 @justicedems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Old Lady in the Street (Time will tell/Ask again later)

Trump was talking to reporters yesterday, after the big healthcare vote, and people noticed that he didn't seem to know how many senators there are. When told it is two for each state, Trump said, "I'm going to need another clue." –Jimmy Fallon

Another big story is Trump's feud with Attorney General Jeff Sessions. When he was asked about what will happen to Sessions, Trump said, "Time will tell." When asked if he was just stealing lines off his magic eight ball, Trump said, "Ask again later." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535 #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

You'll love TrumpCare (The Matrix)

Republicans are calling the plan “Bettercare,” as in: Just imagine how much better this plan would be if the people who wrote it cared. –Jimmy Kimmel

It slashes Medicaid, which could negatively affect millions of poor and elderly people. But here’s the thing, it won’t happen until 2024. It’s gradual. Which makes you wonder: Why 2024? What is the significance of that? Will we all be in those pods from “The Matrix” by then, we won’t need healthcare? –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535

What Trump "didn't mean" when he said...

"Fidel Castro has resigned as President of Cuba. And true to his word, he always said he would quit being a dictator when it wasn't fun anymore. I guess his heartlessness just wasn't in it anymore." --Jay Leno

"You excited about the big Presidential race? Whoo, how about that Hillary Clinton campaign? You know, they're worried now. They're worried and a little bit nervous. They're campaigning in Texas today. Give you an idea how nervous Hillary is: she showed up in a pantsuit and chaps. And last week, in Wisconsin, she showed up in a cheese pantsuit." --David Letterman

"Yeah, there's already trouble down there in Texas in the primary. Bill, of course, got into a shouting match with an oil well." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

If anybody needs a map to find their brain, it's Congress

"Now, Obamacare raises eligibility for Medicaid to 133% of the poverty line, allowing it to cover 30 million more Americans by 2022. Thirty million medical moochers. To put that in perspective, if you laid them all end to end, they would stretch to Canada, which is where they should move if they want free healthcare!" –Stephen Colbert

"Today President Obama asked Congress for $100 million to map the human brain. And believe me, if anybody needs a map to find their brain, it's Congress." –Jay Leno 

"President Obama will attend the dedication of George W. Bush's library this month. Apparently there's still a lot of debris around the new building, or as Obama put it, 'Don't look at me, I'm still cleaning up your last mess.'" –Jimmy Fallon