See, now it's just part of the job (he then sublet it to Halliburton)

"Oh, you know what happened on this day in 1973? Richard Nixon uttered his famous line, 'I am not a crook.' That's back when being a crook could actually hurt a politician's career. See, now it's just part of the job." –Jay Leno

"In a speech in Canada, former President George W. Bush said he was proud that when he was in office he didn't sell his soul, which is true. He rented it to Dick Cheney, who then sublet it to Halliburton, but it's totally different." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm working for Homeland Security (competition)

"Do you know why they're moving? Because some members of Congress have started investigating Halliburton for over-billing and for taking too much of American taxpayers' money for doing too little work. Or, as Congress calls it, 'competition.'" --Jay Leno

"There are reports that female terrorists are being fitted with exploding breast implants. How many guys are going to use this as an excuse? 'Honey, I'm not looking at her breasts. I'm working for Homeland Security.'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There was a hurricane in New Orleans? (they know there's nothing you won't allow them to do)

"In a speech in Canada, former President George W. Bush said he was proud that when he was in office he didn't sell his soul, which is true. He rented it to Dick Cheney, who then sublet it to Halliburton, but it's totally different." –Jay Leno

"President Obama went to New Orleans today to check up on the rebuilding efforts after Hurricane Katrina. When President Bush heard about it, he said, 'There was a hurricane in New Orleans?'"–Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Or, as Congress calls it, 'competition.' (A Bug's Life)

"Do you know why they're moving? Because some members of Congress have started investigating Halliburton for over-billing and for taking too much of American taxpayers' money for doing too little work. Or, as Congress calls it, 'competition.'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush went out touting his economic record in Ohio last week. Now this is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since Bush took office. You know, if Bush wants to tout his record, he should do it somewhere where the Bush economy has actually created jobs, like India, or Thailand, or China." —Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

You may have heard of the group, Halliburton (He better hope they're brain donors)

"There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn't share it with the rest of us." –Jay Leno

"Texas Gov. Rick Perry says he's taking steps to run for president in 2016. In fact, this week he's meeting with donors. He better hope they're brain donors." –Jay Leno

"A group has now filed papers to nominate Dick Cheney to run for president of the United States in 2012. You may have heard of the group, Halliburton." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

He rented it to Dick Cheney, who then sublet it to Halliburton (But to be fair, people do grieve differently)

"Today a poll found that President Obama won last night's debate among a voting block known as 'Walmart moms.' And Mitt Romney won the debate according to a voting block that wouldn't be caught dead at Walmart." –Jay Leno

"A 66-year-old republican deputy U.S. Attorney General in South Carolina, home of Governor Mark Sanford. You know him. The guy's name is Roland Corning. He's lost his job, got fired, after police discovered him in a cemetery with an 18-year-old stripper, a bag of sex toys, and a bottle of Viagra. But to be fair, people do grieve differently." –Jay Leno

"In a speech in Canada, former President George W. Bush said he was proud that when he was in office he didn't sell his soul, which is true. He rented it to Dick Cheney, who then sublet it to Halliburton, but it's totally different." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Ooh, a city worker! La di da, too good for village work, eh? (Well, on the bright side, I won my office pool)

"Still, an emotional highlight set the stage for the main speaker last night, Michelle Obama, Barack Obama's beautiful, accomplished, angry, communist wife. But she's just the candidate's spouse. I assume she just has to get through the speech without saying 'F*ck Whitey' (on screen: various cable pundits speaking of the need for her to prove she's 'one of y'all'). Hmm, she needs to prove she's human, eh? Well let's take a look [on screen: footage of Michelle Obama at convo]. Clearly bipedal, a chordate, she appears to have five-digit extremities and to possess sweat glands. Wait what's the weird hole in her face?! Oh my God! Oh wait, I have one too. Alright, I'll give you that you're human technically. But what about the elitist thing? [on screen: M. Obama talking about her family, and how her father who was a 'blue-collar city worker.'] Ooh, a city worker! La di da, too good for village work, eh? Didn't want to soil his lily blue-collar in the townships!" --Jon Stewart

The government has already begun handing out contracts to corporations to clean up and rebuild the country we haven't finished bombing yet. For instance, the army awarded a multi-million dollar contract to pay for extinguishing oil fires and repairing oil infrastructure. Who got it? Halliburton. Wait a minute, that name rings a bell - oh, I know, until 2000 its CEO was Dick Cheney. Cheney, that rings a bell - oh, I know, he's the vice president. Well, on the bright side, I won my office pool. –Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Today it just said, 'Eat me.' (sick time)

"An unnamed American entity is going to take over. The rumor is that it's Halliburton. Talk about arrogant. You know that sign Bush stands in front of all the time with the writing on it? Today it just said, 'Eat me.'" --Bill Maher

"Those two guys were up before the congressional Committee this week, which issued the report on Katrina, which lambasted the White House for wasting billions of dollars that was stolen, lost, we don't know where it is. Bush said history will call that a small price to pay if we wind up bringing democracy to Louisiana and it spreads to Mississippi and Florida." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Here's my question: Is 28% still technically an approval rating? (Steel Mongolians)

"President Bush's approval rating has dropped to an all-time low of 28%. Here's my question: Is 28% still technically an approval rating?" --Jay Leno

"Do you know why they're moving? Because some members of Congress have started investigating Halliburton for over-billing and for taking too much of American taxpayers' money for doing too little work. Or, as Congress calls it, 'competition.'" --Jay Leno

​​"President Obama met with the president of Mongolia. Of course, Sarah Palin had to chime in, saying her favorite movie was 'Steel Mongolians.'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Doing my part to get the rest of you paid (Today it just said, 'Eat me.')

"An unnamed American entity is going to take over. The rumor

is that it's Halliburton. Talk about arrogant. You know that sign

Bush stands in front of all the time with the writing on it? Today

it just said, 'Eat me.'" --Bill Maher

"All of the Republican men who talked about lady parts during the campaign, they all lost, including two seats in the Senate, Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock, while Claire McCaskill and Elizabeth Warren won. And you know what? After all this stupid rape talk, it is refreshing to see women forcing their way into men's seats." –Bill Maher

"The Republicans are in full sour grapes mode. They lost because of Obama's dirty tactics, the biased media, and non-whites, and the promise of giveaways to takers. You know, if you scrubbed every inch of your house and something still smells like s**t, it's time to take a shower." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Using your taxes to rebuild the stuff your taxes paid to blow up (I will never be sober again)

We should have seen that Matt Lauer had a strange obsession with women. I mean, just look at any of his actual Halloween costumes. Dolly Parton, "Baywatch" babe, Paris Hilton, and Lucy from Peanuts. Good grief. After looking at those photos, I think he could have been fired for sexually harassing himself. –Stephen Colbert

Audience, I’m worried that once they make self-driving cars, I will never be sober again. --Stephen Colbert

They added that the Chinese will continue to fight climate change, quote, “whatever the circumstances.” Just hold on — things have gotten so bad now that China is telling us to care about the environment?! Have you SEEN Beijing? No, you haven’t, because it’s hidden behind their air. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I believe these are the same people who believe President Bush is doing a good job in Iraq (They called it 'white people.')

"The good news, Obama said he expects to start bringing our troops home in two years. The bad news, Bush said the same thing seven years ago." –Jay Leno

"Support for Rudy Giuliani has fallen to 12%, and that's just among his children." --Jay Leno

 

"A UCLA study shows 7% of people still believe in the Easter Bunny. I believe these are the same people who believe President Bush is doing a good job in Iraq." --Jay Leno

"A group has now filed papers to nominate Dick Cheney to run for president of the United States in 2012. You may have heard of the group, Halliburton." –Jay Leno

"This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Native Americans had a special name for it. They called it 'white people.'" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But to be fair, people do grieve differently (Here's to wealth!)

"In a speech in Canada, former President George W. Bush said he was proud that when he was in office he didn't sell his soul, which is true. He rented it to Dick Cheney, who then sublet it to Halliburton, but it's totally different." –Jay Leno

"Today a poll found that President Obama won last night's debate among a voting block known as 'Walmart moms.' And Mitt Romney won the debate according to a voting block that wouldn't be caught dead at Walmart." –Jay Leno

"A 66-year-old republican deputy U.S. Attorney General in South Carolina, home of Governor Mark Sanford. You know him. The guy's name is Roland Corning. He's lost his job, got fired, after police discovered him in a cemetery with an 18-year-old stripper, a bag of sex toys, and a bottle of Viagra. But to be fair, people do grieve differently." –Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh is OK after being released from a Hawaiian hospital after a heart scare. Fox News sent flowers; MSNBC sent cheese fries." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It wasn't his first choice for a backdrop, but the water wasn't quite deep enough for the aircraft carrier (Can we start with you?)

"He's like the Peanuts character Pigpen. Wherever he goes, he stirs up such a humongous mess, it can only be cleaned up by Halliburton." –Bill Maher, on George W. Bush

"Did you see the speech? President Bush spoke from Jackson Square in New Orleans. It wasn't his first choice for a backdrop, but the water wasn't quite deep enough for the aircraft carrier." --Bill Maher

"The president said much of the aid is going towards job training. And when they heard that, the people of New Orleans rose as one and said, 'Can we start with you?'" --Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, on the bright side, I won my office pool (That's what her words are for)

The government has already begun handing out contracts to corporations to clean up and rebuild the country we haven't finished bombing yet. For instance,  the army awarded a multi-million dollar contract to pay for extinguishing oil fires and repairing oil infrastructure. Who got it? Halliburton. Wait a minute, that name rings a bell - oh, I know, until 2000 its CEO was Dick Cheney. Cheney, that rings a bell - oh, I know, he's the vice president. Well, on the bright side, I won my office pool. –Jon Stewart 3/20/2003

"Newsweek used a photo to make Michele Bachmann appear crazy. That's what her words are for." –Jon Stewart

"I gotta say, of all my issues with Michele Bachmann's brain, migraines are not even in the top 20." –Jon Stewart

"You know what, Senator McCain? Go. There's a Rascal scooter and a bucket of quarters with your name on it over at the Golden Nugget. Instead of playing pretend poker in the actual Senate, go to an actual casino and pretend you know what the government should do." –Jon Stewart on McCain playing poker during a Senate hearing on Syria

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait a minute, all this time he's been functioning effectively? (Don't blame me, I wasn't even there.)

"President Bush traveling a lot these days. You notice that? Last week, Bush was in Latin America, and later this week he's going to Asia. The trips are all part of Bush's new domestic plan, 'Don't blame me, I wasn't even there.'" --Conan O'Brien

Insiders say that if Karl Rove resigns, President Bush will not function effectively. Wait a minute, all this time he's been functioning effectively?" --David Letterman

"He's like the Peanuts character Pigpen. Wherever he goes, he stirs up such a humongous mess, it can only be cleaned up by Halliburton." –Bill Maher, on Bush

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There's nothing more stressful than being an out-of-work dictator (A complex world demands complex hair)

"They were interrogating Mubarak and he had a heart attack. There's nothing more stressful than being an out-of-work dictator." –David Letterman

"Last week I announced that I'm retiring. Now I'm hoping I can hang on long enough so my son can take over the show. I never thought I would retire. I always assumed I would be impeached." –David Letterman

"A huge Air France air bus hit a smaller plane on the runway at JFK. The collision was so loud it woke up one of the air traffic controllers." –David Letterman

"Hosni Mubarak was arrested near the Red Sea. They found him in hiding with his two sons, Hosni W. and Jeb." –David Letterman

"Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.'" –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It is called letting Joe Biden make a speech (that's a lot of dead fish)

March 2014

"The White House announced a change to Obamacare. They keep making adjustments. They say people can now keep their insurance plans for two more years. When asked what would happen after two years, Obama said, 'After two years, I don't give a damn.'" –Conan O’Brien

"Meteorologists say 90 percent of the Great Lakes are frozen over. People from Chicago are being urged to stay off the frozen lakes, but if you want to see someone from Chicago in thin ice, just go to the White House." –Craig Ferguson

"I'm kidding. I'm kidding. No, Obama is not from Chicago. He is from Kenya." –Craig Ferguson

"Obama's approval rating is at an all-time low. He has a plan to make him look better. It is called letting Joe Biden make a speech." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sadly, testing positive for Covid was the only positive thing he did in four years as president (Dewey decimal system)

December 2021

“In his new book, Mark Meadows, former President Donald Trump’s chief of staff, wrote that Trump tested positive for the coronavirus before his first debate with Joe Biden in 2020. Sadly, testing positive for Covid was the only positive thing he did in four years as president.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Meadows wrote that when he informed Trump he’d tested positive, Trump replied, ‘Oh, [expletive], you gotta be [expletive] kidding me,’ which is what most of us said when he was elected president.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Fox should not have let him debate. Joe Biden is 143 years old. The debate moderator, Chris Wallace, is no spring chicken, either. He said they were relying on the honor system, which, you’re relying on the honor system with Donald Trump? You might as well rely on the Dewey decimal system.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“The honor system? How can you rely on the honor system when you know he doesn’t have any? That’s like meeting with Vladimir Putin and relying on the shirt system.” —Stephen Colbert

“Have you met Donald Trump? ‘Do you promise you’re negative, guy who ran a fake university?’” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He could be the first person to star in Space Jam and Mamma Mia (Arizona has demanded a recount)

July 2021

“Hey, I want to say congrats to the Milwaukee Bucks for winning their first N.B.A. championship in 50 years. Fifty years. That’s right, they beat the Phoenix Suns, 105-98. But of course, Arizona has demanded a recount.” —Jimmy Fallon

“The game was such a disaster for the Suns, Chris Paul had to file a claim with State Farm to cover his losses.” — Anthony Anderson, guest host of “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” referring to the Suns point guard

“The finals’ M.V.P. was Giannis Antetokounmpo, who’s from Greece. Yep, a Greek N.B.A. superstar. He could be the first person to star in ‘Space Jam’ and ‘Mamma Mia.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”