Even if you're just going out to have a smoke (the ceremonial ribbon shooting)

The Surgeon General said more Americans should start going on walks. Then to everyone's surprise, he added, "Even if you're just going out to have a smoke." –Jimmy Fallon

"The University of Wyoming will open the new Dick Cheney Center for International Students. Cheney is planning on attending. He's going to take part in the ceremonial ribbon shooting." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

you found a way to have a parade in New York City that doesn't screw up traffic! (the opposite of a Knicks game)

Fleet Week is when members of the Navy do the bravest thing they’ve ever done: wear all white on the New York City subway. –Jimmy Fallon

One of the events for Fleet Week is the “Parade of Ships” along the Hudson River. That's one more reason we love you guys — you found a way to have a parade in New York City that doesn't screw up traffic! –Jimmy Fallon

Everyone is excited about Fleet Week. All of New York will be applauding people in uniform, or as that's also known, the opposite of a Knicks game. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What is Dick Cheney doing in Toledo, Ohio? (our greatest Republican president ever)

"Well, here's a very bizarre story. People act strangely this time of year. In Toledo, Ohio, a man attacked a Salvation Army bell ringer, grabbed his red kettle, threw it in the back of his truck, yelled, 'I hate Christmas,' and drove off. Here's my question. What is Dick Cheney doing in Toledo, Ohio?" –Jay Leno

"Well, let's see. I'm trying to sum up President Obama's first 11 months in office. He gave billions to Wall Street, cracked down on illegal immigrants getting health care, and he's sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. You know something? He may go down in history as our greatest Republican president ever." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Authorities swept the area, urging residents to remain even calmer (His. Corporate. Donors. Are.)

Everyone’s OK, but this morning, a 6.5-magnitude earthquake hit California’s prime marijuana-growing county. Authorities swept the area, urging residents to remain even calmer. –Conan O’Brien

The oldest woman in Japan died at the age of one hundred fourteen. And as soon as the funeral is over the family plans to sue the makers of the defective bungee cord. --Conan O’Brien 4/5/2005

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m pretty sure I had a robot make me a frozen burrito last night (6 pounds, 7 oncés)

In a new branding initiative announced today, the Fox News channel has said that it’s getting rid of its longtime slogan “Fair and Balanced.” Yeah, they’re getting rid of that. Here is an idea. If Fox News really wants to be accurate, shouldn’t they just really drop the part that says news? But then again, it’s just nice to see Fox get rid of something for reasons other than sexual harassment. –James Corden

The big news over the weekend is that Beyoncé’s twins are here! Beyoncé’s father announced on Twitter that she gave birth last week to two healthy twins weighing in at 6 pounds, 7 “oncés.” –James Corden

A new restaurant has opened in Boston where all the food is cooked by robots. The restaurant was started by a group of engineers from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. A robot that can cook a meal. Is this a new thing? Isn't this just a microwave? I’m pretty sure I had a robot make me a frozen burrito last night. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

you're probably going to see a giant bunny (It was actually my wife’s idea)

"This year's Easter Sunday happens to fall on the same day as the marijuana holiday, 4/20. Which means no matter what your religion, this Sunday you're probably going to see a giant bunny." –Conan O'Brien

It was reported today that President Trump has been pushing for women's health programs that are based on abstinence. Trump said, "It was actually my wife’s idea…" --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

for "Show and Tell" she brought Scotland (minus a few bucks for the Jeb Bush signature)

I saw that Princess Charlotte went to her first day of nursery school yesterday. It was a little intimidating for the other kids – like for "Show and Tell," she brought Scotland. --Jimmy Fallon

An autograph expert said that Hillary Clinton's autograph is the most valuable of all the candidates. For instance, a Hillary Clinton-signed hat is worth about $1500 dollars, while a Jeb Bush-signed hat is worth...whatever the hat cost originally, minus a few bucks for the Jeb Bush signature. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’ve looked into it and nothing’s ever gone wrong with a guy named Jared (for some reason I just completely lost interest)

Since January 1st, Texas is allowing gun owners to carry their guns openly in most public places. However, you still have to conceal your science book. –Conan O’Brien

A new study came out that found the more porn a man watches, the less motivation he has. I was going to read more about the study, but for some reason I just completely lost interest. –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump is making his son-in-law Jared Kushner a senior adviser to the Presidency. Today, Trump said, "I’ve looked into it and nothing’s ever gone wrong with a guy named Jared." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I just want to warn you that offers have gone way down ever since the economy was ruined by . . . someone (That’s not important!)

"George W. Bush’s daughter, Jenna, just put her home in Baltimore on the market for $500,000. The real estate agent said, 'I just want to warn you that offers have gone way down ever since the economy was ruined by . . . someone.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Researchers at Cornell University have invented a soft robot hand that can touch fragile items and even sense their shape and texture. When asked what they’ve used the hand for, researchers said, “That’s not important!” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow. She moved on fast (what she's working with under that robe)

Police say a man in Nebraska snuck into a home and slept with a sex doll belonging to a man who recently died. Wow. She moved on fast. —Michael Che

Justice Amy Coney Barrett said that she wouldn't mind seeing a code of conduct instituted for the Supreme Court, while Clarence Thomas said that he wouldn't mind seeing what she's working with under that robe. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I don't know if there's a coincidence, but it's the same week they're closing Neverland (The bad faith actor is you, AOC)

"New rule: You can't be as tired as we are of you. The latest excuse for Bush administration foul-ups is that top members of the White House staff are physically and emotionally exhausted. Hmmm, if there was just some sort of stress-relieving activity that could be performed right there in the Oval Office. I'd suggest a nice vacation out in the country, but the last time that happened, somebody got shot." --Bill Maher

"They're finally closing the Abu Grab-ass prison. I don't know if there's a coincidence, but it's the same week they're closing Neverland." --Bill Maher

"Under this Senate compromise, the 11 million illegals would be put into three different groups: mild, medium and caliente." --Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the man actually felt positive about the experience because he said the glass was half full (and honestly after a few beers, I would)

Apple has launched a new feature called Pay Later that lets users spread out payments for Apps over the course of six weeks. And this has also launched my new favorite insult, 'Your momma’s so poor she put Candy Crush on layaway'. —Colin Jost

Doctors in Nepal saved a man after he inserted a water glass into his rectum for sexual gratification and it got stuck. But I think the man actually felt positive about the experience because he said the glass was half full. —Colin Jost

A sperm donor in the Netherlands, who allegedly fathered more than 500 children is being sued for increasing the risk of ‘accidental incest’ among the kids. Accidental Incest is also the title of the worst American Pie sequel. —Colin Jost   

The New York City Fire Department rescued five children who got themselves lost in the Staten Island sewer system. While it’s hard to believe that a place that filthy and disgusting also has a sewer system. —Michael Che

Build-A-Bear has introduced a new RuPaul doll, and honestly after a few beers, I would. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's what happens when you accidentally wash your Klan robes with your Maga hat (Ow, I just got shot in the head)

November 2022

“There was plenty of talk of a so-called ‘red wave’ ahead of the midterms, but as it turns out, it wasn’t as bad as the people who make money off of fear wanted us to fear it would be. Tuesday’s results are a crisp nut-punch to Republican optimism leading up into this election. Look how confident Republicans were before the election with Donald Trump Jr. tweeting that it was going to be a ‘bloodbath!’ of Republican victories. That did not age well. Reminds me of what General Custer tweeted just before Little Bighorn: ‘This is gonna be awesome. Ow, I just got shot in the head.’” —Stephen Colbert

“While the GOP did make modest gains, the massive victory they predicted never materialized, prompting headlines such as Times’s ‘The red wave was more like a pink splash.’ Yes, a pink splash! It was a salmon drizzle, a rosy wash. It’s like what happens when you accidentally wash your Klan robes with your Maga hat – just a little pink wash.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because of that comment I'm going to make my husband take down his Cher posters (You are doing it all wrong)

"Cher tweeted that Michele Bachmann needs to go back to school

and take a history class. Michele Bachmann said, 'Because of that

comment I'm going to make my husband take down his Cher

posters.'" –Conan O'Brien

"First they had a beer at the White House. Well, now, Professor Gates and the cop who arrested him are planning to go to a Red Sox game. It's getting to be a bit much. Last night, they went to a piano bar and sang 'Ebony and Ivory.'" --Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump insisted he's always had a great relationship with women. He said, "I believe a woman can be anything she wants to be, whether that's Miss USA or Miss Universe. Either one." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So long, Nadia. We'll miss your characteristics that you probably have (finally finding out what the ball feels like)

According to reports, two of Donald Trump's children will not be able to vote at New York's primary because they failed to register before the deadline. So I guess you just lost two votes, Ted Cruz. –Seth Meyers

Bernie Sanders won this weekend's Wyoming caucus, which was his seventh win in a row over Hillary Clinton. Clinton said she's still not worried. But it was hard to understand her through the wallet she was biting. –Seth Meyers

The White House said today that deputy national security adviser Nadia Schadlow is resigning. This is how bad it's getting in the Trump administration; the first time you even hear somebody's name is when they resign. “So long, Nadia. We'll miss your characteristics that you probably have.” --Seth Meyers

Tomorrow night will be Kobe Bryant’s last NBA game. He says he's looking forward to retirement and his teammates are looking forward to finding out what the ball feels like. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow, the sexiest man alive was interviewed by Matthew McConaughey! (because she’s a medicine woman)

April 2021

“President Biden and former President Barack Obama appeared alongside several celebrities on an NBC special Sunday night encouraging Americans to get vaccinated. Almost no one watched that special. It had very low ratings. Why would we? We already had a special to promote the vaccine — it’s called the news every day for the past 13 months.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“The stars turned out in force to promote the vaccine, from Kumail Nanjiani and Ellen Pompeo, to Amanda Seyfried and Jane Seymour. And you can trust Jane Seymour, because she’s a medicine woman.” —Stephen Colbert

“Another highlight came when Dr. Anthony Fauci was interviewed by actor Matthew McConaughey. Wow, the sexiest man alive was interviewed by Matthew McConaughey!” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”