it's like Halliburton secretly not wanting a war (number two)

June 2012

"I secretly want Romney to win because, look, I'm a comedian. Mitt Romney is an ultra-Caucasian Mormon zillionaire who uses his dog as a hood ornament. For me not to secretly want him as President, it's like Halliburton secretly not wanting a war." –Bill Maher

"Now, many Republicans of course want Naugahyde beanbag chair and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie as Mitt's second in command. And it's hard to look at him and not think, number two." –Bill Maher

"Now, right now, the smart money for VP is on Florida Senator Marco Rubio, who you may recognize as the brother of the bride of every wedding you've ever been to. But Senator Rubio has intelligence, experience, and honesty issues. Or what pundits call the full Palin." –Bill Maher

"And then there's Congressman Paul Ryan. On the plus side, he has piercing blue bedroom eyes. On the minus side, he's a heartless smirking bastard, and the only people who can stand him are heartless smirking bastards. And Mitt, you already have that vote locked up." –Bill Maher

"Of course, there's always Tim Pawlenty. He almost makes Mitt Romney look interesting, in the way that a blank sheet of paper makes a sheet of paper with a smudge on it look interesting." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Two crazy dictators in fashionable lady's glasses (that's Arnold Schwarzenegger's job)

October 2011

"The Occupy Wall Street protesters gathered outside Rupert Murdoch's house. Don’t protest outside of a rich man's house in the daytime, you'll just scare the maid, and that's Arnold Schwarzenegger's job." –Craig Ferguson

"Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there's more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there's also a few napkins and crazy bread." –Conan O'Brien

"Tim Pawlenty says he regrets quitting the presidential race so early. He said that when he runs in 2016, his campaign slogan will be, 'Tim Pawlenty: This Time I'll Quit Later.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"Sarah Palin gave a speech in South Korea. Just what the Koreans needed: Two crazy dictators in fashionable lady's glasses." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a dominatrix in England is someone who ties you down and then flosses you (Perry had him executed)

September 2011 

"President Obama described himself as an eternal optimist. He then explained that he's the kind of person that sees the country as 'half employed.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A man wearing an Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that or Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit." –Conan O'Brien 

"In England a dominatrix is saying a prominent politician used to hire her for services. Of course, a dominatrix in England is someone who ties you down and then flosses you." –Conan O'Brien 

"Tim Pawlenty endorsed Mitt Romney, calling him a 'bedrock conservative.' When he heard this, John McCain said, 'I grew up in Bedrock, and I don't remember seeing him.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"It's being reported that Rick Perry met his wife when they were in elementary school. There was another boy that liked her too but Perry had him executed." – Conan O'Brien 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

a commanding 80% of the votes she paid for (animals of the opposite sex/his supporter)

August 2011

"Now that Tim Pawlenty is out, the big question is whether Michele Bachmann or Rick Perry will get his supporter." –Stephen Colbert

"In Iowa in her tent Michele Bachmann had Randy Travis and a petting zoo. Of course you were only allowed to pet animals of the opposite sex." –Stephen Colbert

"Michele Bachmann’s victory in the straw poll may have had something to do with her helping her supporters pay for their $30 voting ticket — by paying for their voting ticket. Bachmann paid $180,000 to hand out 6,000 tickets, and she got 4,800 votes. She got a commanding 80% of the votes she paid for. I think this proves she can win if she can get 50 million voters into a field, fill them with barbecue and let their children pet Randy Travis." –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

he wants to spend more time lacking charisma with his family (Hit them at the source)

August 2011

"A new survey revealed that being an IT guy is the most hated job in the country. Or as President Obama put it, 'Wanna bet?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The federal government has a new plan that will let people send texts to 911. Yeah, it's a little frustrating when you try to text 'Burglar! Please hurry!,' and it auto-corrects to 'Burger, please. Hungry.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Michele Bachmann paid $30 each for 6,000 voting tickets in Iowa and got 4,800 votes, so 1,200 people stole her $30. It’s funny that someone who doesn’t believe in government handouts paid 6,000 people to vote for her." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race for president, saying he wants to spend more time lacking charisma with his family." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Only 39 percent of Americans approve of the job President Obama is doing. Ratings are at an all-time low, but ratings for 'Jersey Shore' are at an all-time high." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If I were president, I would just pass a law against opinion polls. Hit them at the source." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

No more hockey highlight DVDs for Kim Jong Il (Well, I wasn’t going to marry him)

August 2011

"Michele Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll. She said she hasn't been this excited since she won last year's 'Who's Crazier Than Sarah Palin' contest.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Tim Pawlenty announced that he's dropping out of the race for president. Pawlenty said he wants to spend more time with his family because even they don't know who he is." –Conan O'Brien

"Canada imposed a ban on trade with North Korea. No more hockey highlight DVDs for Kim Jong Il." –Conan O'Brien
 

"The NYPD created a new unit that will use social media sites to catch criminals. Criminal caught on Facebook and Twitter will be arrested, while criminals caught on MySpace will be told about Facebook." –Conan O'Brien

"Republican Congressman Phil Hinkle, who voted to ban gay marriage, was caught propositioning a male prostitute. Hinkle said, 'Well, I wasn’t going to marry him.'" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Obama could stop that with three words (It's called Washington, D.C.)

July 2011

"On CNN, Tim Pawlenty accused President Obama of 'hiding in the basement' during debt ceiling talks. While Joe Biden accused President Obama of 'locking him in the basement' during debt ceiling talks." –Jimmy Fallon

"Iowa Congressman Steve King says that if the country falls into default, President Obama could be impeached. Obama could stop that with three words: 'President Joe Biden.'" –Jay Leno

"We are $14 trillion in debt. To understand how much money that is, imagine grocery shopping at Whole Foods every day of the month." –Jay Leno

"The entire town of Scenic, South Dakota is for sale for $799,000. You can buy the whole city. Twelve acres! It has a saloon, a post office, and 15 Starbucks. It's not unusual to buy an entire city. We've been doing that for years. It's called Washington, D.C." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

when your workforce starts to enter its teens (So it looks like they do want to start a family)

"Pawlenty, Romney or Gingrich. Barack Obama looks at these guys and wishes he hadn’t spent the money on the new birth certificate." –David Letterman

"It turns out that one of the women Congressman Anthony Weiner was communicating with was a porn star. When asked how it was possible to get involved with someone in such a sleazy business, the porn star said, 'I don't know.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Prince William and his wife Kate have posted an ad for a housekeeper. When he heard this, Arnold Schwarzenegger said, 'So it looks like they do want to start a family.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Chinese economy has shown signs of slowing down. Experts say that's what happens when your workforce starts to enter its teens." –Conan O'Brien 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

God has picked us up for another 22 weeks (Secret Service Code name)

"You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger calls a quickie? A Minute Maid." –Jay Leno

"Harold Camping is now predicting that the world will end in October. In show business terms, that means God has picked us up for another 22 weeks." –Jay Leno

"Tim Pawlenty is running for President. I won't say he's boring, but his Secret Service Code name is Al Gore." –Jay Leno

"The Supreme Court has upheld Arizona's law which penalizes employers for hiring workers who are in the country illegally. And in a related story, in Phoenix a head of lettuce now costs 137 dollars." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Joe Biden is accusing him of identity theft (I like your tea parties much better)

"President Obama is on a visit to England. He told the Queen yesterday, 'I like your tea parties much better than the ones we have in America.'" –Jay Leno

"They drive on other side of the road there, so Obama had to switch sides — kind of like Mitt Romney is doing over here." –Jay Leno

"I don't want to say Tim Pawlenty is boring, but Joe Biden is accusing him of identity theft." –Jay Leno 

"The average couple fights about sex 87 times a year. And even more if the maid is pregnant. Arnold’s maid has hired a lawyer, so I guess it’s her turn to screw him." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

A complex world demands complex hair (an out-of-work dictator)

"Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.'" –David Letterman

"Hosni Mubarak was arrested near the Red Sea. They found him in hiding with his two sons, Hosni W. and Jeb." –David Letterman

"They were interrogating Mubarak and he had a heart attack. There's nothing more stressful than being an out-of-work dictator." –David Letterman

"A huge Air France air bus hit a smaller plane on the runway at JFK. The collision was so loud it woke up one of the air traffic controllers." –David Letterman

"Former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty announced that he will seek the Republican presidential nomination. He has a slogan to win over the Republicans: 'Vote for me, I'm not Trump.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Canada may postpone an important political debate because it may conflict with a hockey game. An entire nation is willing to put democracy on hold to watch burly guys smash each other in the face. That is awesome." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

put democracy on hold to watch burly guys smash each other in the face (14 trillion dollar bills)

"Former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty announced that he will seek the Republican presidential nomination. He has a slogan to win over the Republicans: 'Vote for me, I'm not Trump.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Canada may postpone an important political debate because it may conflict with a hockey game. An entire nation is willing to put democracy on hold to watch burly guys smash each other in the face. That is awesome." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama laid out his plan to reduce the $14 trillion national debt. Unfortunately for Sasha and Malia, it involves selling a lot of Girl Scout cookies." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If you stacked 14 trillion dollar bills on top of each other, the stack would almost definitely fall over and kill everyone in the United States." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Oprah says that the president and first lady will appear on her April 2 show. At the end, she'll be giving them away." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

If Romney gets any darker he's not going to vote for himself

"It's been a rough week for Mitt Romney. Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty has quit as co-chair of Mitt Romney's presidential campaign. I think the technical term is 'jumping ship.'" –Jay Leno



"I saw a guy today scraping a Romney bumper sticker off his car. It was Paul Ryan." –Jay Leno



"A lot of people are commenting that Mitt Romney is looking extremely tan lately. In fact, if Romney gets any darker he's not going to vote for himself." –Conan O'Brien 

I never said I was a geology major...

"Rick Perry said America's revolutionary war was fought in the 16th century. When told it was actually the 18th century, Perry apologized and said, 'I never said I was a geology major.'" –Conan O'Brien



"At the last Republican debate, the candidates were seated according to how they've been doing in the polls. So Jon Huntsman was seated next to Tim Pawlenty at a Denny's across the street." –Conan O'Brien 


"At one point, Rick Santorum was interrupted by a gay heckler. But then Michele Bachmann told her husband, 'Just shut up and sit down.'" –Jay Leno






"Police were using pepper spray on the Wall Street protesters. That's scary. What if they're spraying them with condiments so the rich people can enjoy eating them?" –Craig Ferguson



There's also a few napkins and crazy bread

"Don't protest outside of a rich man's house in the daytime, you'll just scare the maid, and that's Arnold Schwarzenegger's job." –Craig Ferguson



"Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there's more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there's also a few napkins and crazy bread." –Conan O'Brien 



"Tim Pawlenty says he regrets quitting the presidential race so early. He said that when he runs in 2016, his campaign slogan will be, 'Tim Pawlenty: This Time I'll Quit Later.'" –Conan O'Brien 

I grew up in Bedrock, and I don't remember seeing him...

"Tim Pawlenty endorsed Mitt Romney, calling him a 'bedrock conservative.' When he heard this, John McCain said, 'I grew up in Bedrock, and I don't remember seeing him.'" –Conan O'Brien 



"It's being reported that Rick Perry met his wife when they were in elementary school. There was another boy that liked her too but Perry had him executed." – Conan O'Brien 







"The Republican debate was up against Monday night football. It was like NFL vs. LOL." –Jay Leno

John Hulse photography

Of course you were only allowed to pet animals of the opposite sex

"Now that Pawlenty is out, the big question is whether Bachmann or Perry will get his supporter." –Stephen Colbert 

"In Iowa in her tent Michele Bachmann had Randy Travis and a petting zoo. Of course you were only allowed to pet animals of the opposite sex." –Stephen Colbert



"Michele Bachmann’s victory in the straw poll may have had something to do with her helping her supporters pay for their $30 voting ticket — by paying for their voting ticket. Bachmann paid $180,000 to hand out 6,000 tickets, and she got 4,800 votes. She got a commanding 80% of the votes she paid for. I think this proves she can win if she can get 50 million voters into a field, fill them with barbecue and let their children pet Randy Travis." –Stephen Colbert

John Hulse painting

Well, I wasn’t going to marry him...

"Republican Congressman Phil Hinkle, who voted to ban gay marriage, was caught propositioning a male prostitute. Hinkle said, 'Well, I wasn’t going to marry him.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Michelle Bachmann paid $30 each for 6,000 voting tickets in Iowa and got 4,800 votes, so 1,200 people stole her $30. It’s funny that someone who doesn’t believe in government handouts paid 6,000 people to vote for her." –Jimmy Kimmel



"Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race for president, saying he wants to spend more time lacking charisma with his family." –Jimmy Kimmel


John Hulse painting

She won last year's 'Who's Crazier Than Sarah Palin' contest

"Michele Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll. She said she hasn't been this excited since she won last year's 'Who's Crazier Than Sarah Palin' contest.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Tim Pawlenty announced that he's dropping out of the race for president. Pawlenty said he wants to spend more time with his family because even they don't know who he is." –Conan O'Brien 



John Hulse painting

It’s because they are boobs...

"Republicans have to stop thinking up intricate psychological explanations for liberals don't like Sarah Palin or Michele Bachmann. Let me save you all some time. Are you ready? Because they’re crazy people. People who are not that bright and full of awful ideas. Pretty much the same exact reasons we didn’t care about George W. Bush, and make jokes about him. So trust me, it's not because they have breasts. It’s because they are boobs." –Bill Maher



"According to a new Gallop poll, if the election were held tomorrow a no name Republican would beat President Obama. Today Tim Pawlenty said, 'A no-name Republican? That's me. I could win! I'm the new President?'" –Jay Leno



John Hulse photography